Change

Once again my blog has been sadly neglected. A casualty in the chaos of my life. I truly appreciate all of the kind e-mails making sure I am ok. I am-in fact-alive.

I had made it a practice not to air my marital dirty laundry on my blog. It seemed rather like a breech of trust. But any confidence I once had in my marriage has been shattered. After nine years, four rounds of counseling and two separations it has come to an end. We are getting a divorce. The children have been told, lines drawn in the sand, hopes for a lasting friendship lost.

I am angry. So very angry and resentful that the man I once loved so deeply would allow his job to become who he is. That he would choose a life of daily drudgery over his family. That he would turn to another woman. But more so I am angry at myself. That I could have been so blind. So stupid. That I once again chose the wrong man.

It is raw. Painful beyond words. I have sobbed until every bone in my body ached. Till I felt I could no longer breathe. Not because I love him...but because my children do. Their hurt confusion is worse than any wounds I have suffered.

But I have to live. I have to get up each day and move forward. Be strong. Even when I feel weak and small. Luckily, I have great friends and family to help me-us-through this. Who understand my desire for a fresh start and are willing to grant me their blessing even if they think I am making a mistake.

And a fresh start is on it's way. The first week of July the kids and I are moving to Seattle. Where we can begin to heal and hopefully blossom. Where the past will become a faint shadow....

**Gasp**

I just did the unthinkable. I went to my neglected reader and....clicked....the dreaded "mark all as read" button. And when it asked me if I was sure....with out hesitation....I clicked yes. And it feels amazing. I apologize. I love each and everyone of you. But shit, I'm behind.

Must Know Monday: Sleepless Beauty

So I wish I looked like that. Not all skinny and blond. But sleepy. Really, really sleepy. I am dealing with a major bout of insomnia. I can fall asleep but then I wake up and stay up for hours. If I was an ambitious person I would use these wakeful hours to do house work, scrapbook, sew, maybe even watch the movies I got for Christmas that haven't even been opened. But no. What do I do? Lie there and stare at the inside of my eyelids...or at Ava...or at the cat. Letting my mind race. Sometimes I muster up the motivation to play a game of solitaire. Startling, I know.

I have tried homeopathic remedies. Over the counter drugs. Prescription drugs (seriously I could knock out Jabba the Hut with all the sleeping pills in my house). Relaxation techniques. You name it. And yet at 3 am...I lie awake thinking of places to put Mark's ear plugs.

• Are you sleepless?


• If so what helps?


• Do you stay in bed?


• Do you get up and move it?


• Suggestions for the ear plugs?

You Rock My Socks Off

I wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your overwhelming support in the piracy of my blog post. It really meant a lot to me and Amonte. I am ever so happy to share with you that the post has been removed...no thanks to Google or my hate mail. Big Hugs and Kisses to Charles at Gajillian. You're a blogger girls dream come true!

Must Know Monday: Easter Traditions

Growing up my family never had a lot of traditions. I have tried hard to build new ones for my children-in hopes that one day they will share them with future generations. Holidays seem to be a good way to do this and I generally try to do things that are fun and creative. Easter just feels like something is missing. Like it deserves to be more magical. So far we have kept things pretty basic: coloring eggs, trip to the Easter Bunny, Easter baskets, dinner with family and church. *Yawn* Maybe throw in a craft or two. That is about the extent of it. So I'm asking you dear reader-how do you make Easter special?

• Do you have Easter traditions?
• Are you trying something new this year?
• Have a favorite Easter project?
• How about a project gone horribly wrong?

If I don't come up with something good I swear I'm buying them all rabbits.

Pretty in Pink

After a long night of screaming and tears I called a friend that works for an Orthopedic Dr and begged an appointment. Turns out her arm was actually broken. Huh. So much for x-rays being read by 2 Dr.s and a Radiologist. She is now sporting a hot pink cast and a sassy attitude to boot. The pain is much better controlled in the plaster restraint so she is feeling more like herself. But extra bossy. Extra demanding and extra pitiful. It's going to be a long 3 weeks.

Shabby Baby Girl Broke Her Crown

When I saw the Picture Princess contest at shabby apple I knew I found the perfect model! Who you ask??? Why Her Majesty of course. Since I have no recent photo's that were anywhere good enough to enter I decided to take her outside today and use my limited photography skills to get some winning pictures. What I didn't plan on (obviously) was her Evil Knievil move over the side of the slide. We ended up in the ER with a dislocation and severe sprain of the left arm. She will have to spend the next 2 weeks in a sling. Nice job Mom. So here are my 3 entries. I have zero editing ability so she is as she is. Purely beautiful. ****UPDATE Her arm is actually broken and was casted this am****

Ava is the perfect shabby baby model. She is a total girly girl who loves to dress up-do her "put a ring on it" dance and keep her "bad boys" AKA her brothers in line. She's got mad curls, a zany sense of humor and a heart the size of Texas. If she doesn't win on beauty and personality alone she certainly is worthy of a shabby baby wardrobe after the trauma she went through just to enter!!!

So here she is!


I love this one even though her dorky brother gave her rabbit ears. Damn my missing Photoshop gene. ***Thanks Nicole for taking out the hand!!!!***


I debated on this one. She was grubbing on some chicken wings. "Bones" and had made quiet a mess but it really shows her curls and her eyes....and her love of good eats! ***Thanks Ashley for editing out the food on her face!!!***


Just for fun-Taken when we returned from the ER-sleepy on morphine.


And this is her favorite shabby dress "little girls and girls dresses from shabby baby". Wouldn't she be perfect in it? Minus the barbecue sauce or arm sling of course!!!


Keep your fingers crossed for her!

Fat ass Fridays:The Return!!!

So some of you may recall my humiliating public admission to being a fat ass. Guess what ya'll??? I'm still fat. I know!!!! WTF??? I was doing really well on Medical Weight Loss and was down about 30 pounds and then I had my psychotic break and went all crazy...so the weight loss has been on hold.

But I'm back now. The thing that makes me most miserable in life is my weight. I feel unattractive. I avoid situations where I know I should be lookin all cute. I'm starting to have health related complications. But mostly...I want to be able to have a family picture with my kids...I want them to think I'm beautiful...I want to be a role model for a healthy lifestyle...I don't want my daughter to always think she has to be on a diet.

I have been on South Beach for 5 days now and Coke free for 6. I have lost nothing but I am not giving up this time. Today I start exercising. Thanks to my good friend CoCo for keeping me on the straight and narrow and getting me moving.

I have too much to loose to fail this time.

1337 Gangsta Love

This past weekend was Amonte's state level BPA convention. Sadly, he did not make it to nationals. In computer security he missed going to the next round by two measly questions. Then to make matters worse the high score in round two was only like a 48. He placed 12 in Microsoft networking and the top 10 go nationals. However, if 2 people drop out then he can go in their place. This also means he misses out on the church mission trip to Jamaica. It is the same week as nationals and he had to choose one over the other month's ago because of deadlines. So he is a bit bummed that he gets to do neither. He did have a good time though and got out more than he has in months. Plus I think he may have met a girl-but talking to him about that is a total nonversation. Judging from the pictures there were some hawt little nerds there. Anyone is better than hickey girl.

Must Know Monday: So Very Sad

Spring is here! Yahoo!!! But it is Michigan. So spring is just a date on the calendar for now. We may get more sunshine the temp's will not be consistently warm for months yet.

I self diagnosed myself with SAD years ago. I do ok till February and then I start to loose my shit. I don't mind the grey. Or the dark. I hate the cold. Apparently I have passed this on to my son.

I first became suspicious a month or so ago when I over heard Cade telling Ava all about the joys of summer. He spoke of it with such longing and saddness. He finished by saying "Ava it's the best time of the whole year and it's still so far away". Then he stared out the car window and was totally dead silent.

The proof came on a day that was chilly but sunny. He was being a total bear so I kicked his butt outside. He came in raving about the sun and was a totally different kid all night. Lovely, giggly and snuggly.

Thirdly-he asks me everyday. Every single day without fail "when will it be warm?". And everyday I hope the answer will be soon.

• Are you SAD?
• How do you cope during the long winter months?
• What signals spring for you? March 20th, flowers blooming, buying shorts?
  

The Brazen Bull

I have never been even remotely excited about the idea of torturing someone. Until now. I would love to take the inventor of Day Light Savings and hang him by his toenails, naked, over a vat of popping hot bacon grease. Even that may be too kind.

Seriously. Did this "person" ever stop to consider the impact on child sleep patterns and thus a mother's sanity??? After failing to fall asleep at a decent hour on Sunday and having to be drug out of bed on Monday-Peyton has turned into a complete and total beast. Unlike a normal sleepy child who gets whiny or lays around-Peyton gets manic.

Last evening was spent with him antagonizing everyone in the house for hours. Burping in his sisters face, calling Cade names, hiding peoples things, throwing stuff, farting on the dog, squealing like a pig, banging on doors...the list goes on. Each episode followed by tearful apologies and then the mayhem resumed.

I expected him to pass out as soon as his head hit the pillow but instead he spent nearly two hours playing the drums on his bunkbed rails and singing Nickleback songs at the top of his lungs. Tonight he is in rare form again. He just inhaled 5 hot dogs and is now trying to erase everything that I type.

Pray. Pray for that evil, sadistic, master of time. Because I plan to do things to him that Amnesty International has never dreamed of.

The Future Bachelor

Cade: I broke up with Zellie today. *Completely calm*
Me: Really? Why?
Cade: She coughed on my food! That is so nasty.
Me: Wow!
Cade: Yeah and she cried like a big baby!!! *Giggling*
Me: Well someday a girl will break up with you and you'll cry like a big baby.
Cade: No I won't! *Laughing* I'll just go get another girlfriend!

Apparently he and Jason have more in common then I would like to believe. Run Molly. Run.

MEAN PEOPLE SUCK

I randomly search the Internet for new information on Amonte's disease (Steatocystoma Multiplex) in hope of finding a new treatment. My search often includes blogs. Imagine my surprise when I came across this blog. With multiple copies of an entire post of mine copied by an author named Your Body Sucks. Word for word.

I find this disturbing on so many levels. First of all, when you do a blog search for SM this is the very first post that come up. Someone searching for assistance, information or maybe friendship is led directly to this asshole. Secondly, he apparently finds the pain and suffering of others something to be used for his own amusement. Third, Blogger makes it a bit difficult to deal with this. I will have to file an infringement notification and wait for their response. I did leave a comment requesting that MY post be removed within 48 hours. Doubtful he will comply.

I have always been very open on my blog, especially when it comes to Amonte's illness. I have been spammed, ridiculed, lectured and criticized. But I have always felt that if anyone else could benefit from what we are dealing with-if anyone found comfort knowing they weren't alone-if anything good could come from his pain...then pouring my heart out to total strangers is worth it. I refuse to censor myself now. Or ever.

Feel free to overload his inbox with hate mail on my behalf. Fucker.

I Want it Wednesday: Put a ring on it

I have worn the same stacking ring on my right hand for over 5 years now. It's starting to show it's age and I'm ready for a change. So I found a few to lust after until my financial winds change.

Etsy of course had a plethora of goodies. Like this silver and peridot pretty for $110.
A simple silver stack for a measly $44.

And my total fav: a sea anemone which is a total deal at $56.
Although this one isn't technically stacking it has that appearance. It's only $17.95 and with it's purchase you provide 25 cups of food to a starving nation. Beauty for a cause. Yeah!

I generally prefer silver but these copper ones caught my eye. So dainty.
I also dig these word bands.You can choose from several different words Like: bad ass, sweet pea, true, lucky, hustle or many others.

And of course if I could totally splurge I would love to cover my finger in the ever so elegant Tiffany celebration rings. drool. I'm not picky. Any of the little darlings would do. I'm thinking I would need at least four of them.

Feel free to send me any of them in any size. I'll have it sized.

The Return of the Azzdate

This kid can't get a break. Mid January Amonte got signed off of daily wound care from his September surgery. A week later a new cyst appeared on his leg and a cluster of them on his tail bone. Amonte is getting really good at recognizing the symptoms before they even appear so it was caught fairly early. Easy surgery, able to close with sutures, no wound care. One week later another one in his groin. Surgery this week did not go quiet as well. The cyst had grown significantly and started draining. This makes it much more difficult to remove the cyst and wall intact. The surgeon was able to place sutures in the lower level but had to leave the top layer open in hopes of preventing an abscess. Although this will not require major wound care it will still need a daily dressing for the drainage and the healing will be significatly delayed. He was much more painful this time and the anesthiologist apparently did not medicate him for nausea so he spent most of the night post surgery puking. Lovely.

Amonte seems to be holding up fairly well under all of this. He is depressed which I would expect and it has taken a major toll on his social life. But somehow he is still able to make jokes and look towards the future. I am not coping as well. I'm totally overwhelmed and angry. Really, really angry. I feel totally alone and helpless.

I know it could be worse. I know that this is a lifelong condition. I know that he has had surgery before. I know he will have surgery again. Knowing it does not make it easier. Every time is as difficult as the first. And I imagine it will continue to be.

Um. Yeah.

Total random BS. None worthy of it's own post.

• Not a single solitary person correctly guessed my Get with the Programmer pick. Apparently ya'll think I'm only interested in looks. I'll have you know that I carefully studied their penis size profiles to make my decision.
• My Ford Escape with 50,000 miles on it. Sucks. Just had to replace the drive train at the tune of $1954.42. Excuse me while I vomit. Again.
• I spent most of last week on muscle relaxers and pain killers for my lovely post Pilate's back injury. It continues to be the gift that keeps on giving.
• I have been reading like a madwoman. I decided to finally join the cool kids and start the Twilight series. My habit is your gain. I have some books to giveaway here shortly.
• I would have bet my last breath that the Bachelor was going to send Melissa home last night. It just goes to show how well I read men. Does anyone else find it disturbing that he slept with all 3? Does anyone else on the planet think this guy is a tool besides me???
• I paid the neighbor kid to scoop the dog poop. I'm happy with my decision and have no plans to remove the cash from my hair budget and nobody can make me.
• Income tax completed. Return amount dismal. Excuse me while I vomit. Again.

See? I got nothing.

Must Know Monday:Meadow Muffins

The snow has melted. This is a lovely and joyous thing. Unless you walk into my back yard. Holy dog poo batman. My tiny yard is literally covered in fecal matter. Completely repulsive. I do not do dung. Usually it is the job of one of my many offspring. However, I'm afraid that this particular poop project is more than they can manage. So I want to call in an expert. Amazingly enough there is someone who specializes in yard decontamination. But here lies the problem. Mark thinks that the pro's price reeks. He feels paying for such a service is frivolous. He says "it's your dog-you should do it". He even went as far as to suggest that the money should come from my hair budget. Yeah. I laughed my ass off at that too. He must be smokin crack...and a whole lot of it. Maybe the money should come from his rock fund.

So I figure I would ask for the pundits humble opinion.

• Who does does dog guano at your home?
• Would you pay someone to do it?
• What would a reasonable price be?
• My neighbor boy wants to earn some money. Would it be wrong to pay him...say...$10 less than the pro?
  

Please note that the future of my hair and Norm's being fed on a regular basis is dependent on your answers.