Friday, May 29, 2009

Change

Once again my blog has been sadly neglected. A casualty in the chaos of my life. I truly appreciate all of the kind e-mails making sure I am ok. I am-in fact-alive.

I had made it a practice not to air my marital dirty laundry on my blog. It seemed rather like a breech of trust. But any confidence I once had in my marriage has been shattered. After nine years, four rounds of counseling and two separations it has come to an end. We are getting a divorce. The children have been told, lines drawn in the sand, hopes for a lasting friendship lost.

I am angry. So very angry and resentful that the man I once loved so deeply would allow his job to become who he is. That he would choose a life of daily drudgery over his family. That he would turn to another woman. But more so I am angry at myself. That I could have been so blind. So stupid. That I once again chose the wrong man.

It is raw. Painful beyond words. I have sobbed until every bone in my body ached. Till I felt I could no longer breathe. Not because I love him...but because my children do. Their hurt confusion is worse than any wounds I have suffered.

But I have to live. I have to get up each day and move forward. Be strong. Even when I feel weak and small. Luckily, I have great friends and family to help me-us-through this. Who understand my desire for a fresh start and are willing to grant me their blessing even if they think I am making a mistake.

And a fresh start is on it's way. The first week of July the kids and I are moving to Seattle. Where we can begin to heal and hopefully blossom. Where the past will become a faint shadow....

31 comments:

  1. you will love it there.
    it's beautiful.

    i hope it's just what you + your kids need.

    and i hope you'll give us a peek into your journey over there every once in awhile.

    xxxxxxx
    jill

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  2. We are going to miss you here in action jackson! :)

    I am sorry to hear things have been so awful. Keep in touch and I would LOVE to get together before your move.

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  3. Big Hugs to you and the kids, Zoe. So sorry he is such a jerk and has hurt everyone in the process :(
    I am sure the road ahead will be a long one, but I know you'll all pull through.
    Seattle should be a nice change!

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  4. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through.
    I'm sending positive vibes your way :)

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  5. I am so sorry to hear that it has come to the point of a divorce, but I am THRILLED to hear that you and the kids are moving foward and taking steps to build a fantastic life from here-on-out. I too hope you will continue to blog and that this transition goes as smoothly as possible - you deserve nothing but the best!

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  6. I'm sorry, especially that it is hard on the kids. Hopefully Seattle will be a good place to make a new start. Hugs. If you need anything let me know.

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  7. I feel so sad for your kids, too, Zoe. Will there be any problems with health coverage in the new place? I'm mainly thinking Amonte and his poor hind end. Also? You have been totally cheating on your blog with Facebook.

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  8. Zoe, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I'll be thinking of you during this difficult time. Hang in there sista friend! And I look forward to hearing all about Seattle :)

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  9. Oh honey. I'm so sorry - but cry as you need to and beat up your pillow and remember that we all love you.

    I'm so sorry we haven't had a chance to meet up.

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  10. I was once there. Although, I don't think my situation was nearly as hard as yours being that we didn't have any children. But I know somewhat how you feel. Divorce is such a hard thing but just know that "Everything happens for a reason" and one day when you least expect it there will be that "Perfect" guy for you who will show up out of know where to be your prince charming. :)

    I promise!

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  11. I can't believe you're moving!! What takes you to Seattle? We'll miss you here in J-Town!!

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  12. I knew something was up by your posts on facebook. You are so brave and strong; I know you will thrive & flourish in Seattle. You're wonderful.

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  13. Zoe, I'm so sorry that it has come to this, but I think you will be so much happier. Maybe you can reconsider Seattle and head to MN? It can be lovely here too, I guess! Anyway, take care of yourself Zoe and just know you have so many people rooting for you. I believe you'll make it out a much happier person!

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  14. I am in the process of doing it and I know how it can just plainly suck, but you are better than it all!

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  15. I'm sorry to hear your news too although I suspected that was what you were going through from your facebook posts. I hope this move will be a great thing for all of you to get back on track. Take care.

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  16. (((Zoe)))

    I miss the Pacific Northwest so much. I've never been to Seattle, but only heard good about it. Best of luck with this new move.

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  17. We will miss you in Jackson. Won't you miss Wully Bully's? hahah. Wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve in Seattle :)

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  18. Oh god, Zoe...I am SO SO sorry you're having to live this. Great big bloggy {{{HUGS}}}.

    I hope Seattle will be cleansing for your soul.

    Good luck. Please keep us posted how you are.

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  19. Divorce is a horrible experience but someday on the other side of it you may look back and be glad you did it.

    A common cliche is, "What was I thinking?" when explaining why you got married.

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  20. wow, I can't believe you are moving across the country! But good for you! That's a good new beginning!

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  21. *hugs*

    I'm sorry you're going through so much stress. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. It'll be great, though, to start over in a new place. It'll make the starting over an adventure with the kids. Hang in there.

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  22. anonymous normally, check in periodically, am so sorry u have 2 deal with this... often times i compared your hardships 2 mine & alas i am gettin a divorce as well - please keep bloggin, we can weather the storm 2gether - but with me lurking and self pitying over here... good luck zoe

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  23. Wow, Zoe, I have been way behind in blogging and reading... I can't believe this, even though I actually can. Seems to be going around lately... I hope everything works out for you, you have an exciting summer ahead of you! Good luck!

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  24. Zoe,

    I hope Seattle will give you and your kids what you need. And I hope the anger you feel towards yourself goes away. There's enough shitty people in the world to make everyone feel bad, without turning it on ourselves.

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  25. I am so sorry....I know these words don't cut it at all, so I'll move on to the encouragement part....

    YOU ARE GUNNA ROCK THIS NEXT PART!

    Happy changes.

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  26. I'm so sorry, Zoe. I truly am... even though I know the words don't make even a dent in your pain. By now, you should be in Seattle (and, loving it). It's the most wonderful place I have ever lived... how can you not love it?!? Keep us all posted on how you're doing once you get settled. We'll be waiting...

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  27. i aM aStounded you wrote thiS then. You really are a Strong and loving perSon. i know Still More haS changed for you, but SoMetiMeS the growth proceSS is evaSive aS SoMething we can influence and we are forced along for the ride or in SoMe caSeS the ride leaveS without you. It iS a long long life. So Much haS changed already... So Many More changeS to coMe. keep your chin up. you are So very iMportant to So Many of uS.xo

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  28. I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I truly hope things are going well in your life and you are finding peace. I hope your children are adapting well.

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  29. Wrote to you on Facebook and wondered how you've been. Didn't know if you had moved yet or not.

    Sadly, I too have been neglecting my Blog...but I use homework as my excuse. Too sad to admit my own Facebook addiction is what keeps me from posting!! LOL!! Take care & hope to hear back from you soon!!

    ~xoxo~

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  30. Thinkin' of you Zoe!
    Hope you're hanging in there and making the most of whatever life's throwing atcha!

    I don't keep up on facebook or anything much, so I hope you update around this neck of the woods soon :)

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  31. Hope you're well and all situated.

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