Monday, December 31, 2007

A new me for the new year

I'm not one to make New Years resolutions. Mostly because I never keep them. But this year is going to be different. So here it is my list of awesomeness for 2008:

  1. Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
  2. Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
  3. Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
  4. Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
  5. Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
  6. Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
  7. Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
  8. Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
  9. Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
  10. Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
  11. Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
  12. Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
  13. Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
  14. Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
  15. Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.
Wishing you a wonderful New Year. Get your camera phone ready...or if your not nice a really good pair of tweezers.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Boss


Tonight:
Peyton: Mom, Can I PLEEEAAASSSEEE eat in the living room?
Me: Ah. No.
Peyton: But I'm 6!!! I'm almost a grown up!

Later:
Cade: You're not the boss of me Peyton.
Peyton: Yeah I am! I'm 6 dude.

Later:
Peyton: Mom, next year I'll be a mean grader. *sigh* Then I have to get a girlfriend and a job.

Ps: This pic was taken after the first "real" snowstorm of the year. Peyton was outside nearly all day. The next morning he came in the bathroom and sat on the floor with a big sigh and asked "Is winter over yet mom? I'm tired of the cold already". When I told him we still had a long way to go he went back to his bed and cried. I feel the same way...do you think he's too young to have him treated for seasonal affective disorder??? :)

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Christmas score card

Shopping:

  • Started holiday shopping early. 5 points
  • Didn’t finish until Christmas Eve. However I got it all done before noon and avoided the crowds. Plus I feel generous today so I am keeping the five points I awarded my self earlier.
  • Scored all of the “Major” gifts that each of the kids wanted.
  • Peyton-Guitar Hero…Check. Ava-Play Kitchen…Check. Cade…Secret Mission Ice Bat Ugly doll and Leapster…Check and CheckAmonte-PSP and new cell phone…Check and Check.
  • 20 points. Especially since Secret Mission Ice Bat was nearly mission impossible.
  • Amonte’s PSP is back ordered and won’t be shipped till January 4. In my defense it was not on backorder when the order was placed in PLENTY of time. But that blows for Amonte -5 points
  • Bought my own gifts. 2 to be exact. -5 points
  • Spent substantially less on myself than I did on Mark. -5 points

Christmas Eve


  • Up at the ass crack of dawn to finish shopping. 5 points
  • Baked all afternoon which I do NOT enjoy for the most part. 5 points
  • Cleaned house the rest of the afternoon for the arrival of FIL on Christmas morning 5 points
  • Did not slap Mark who sat on the couch.all.day.and.did.nothing. 10 points
  • Went to church as a family and made it on time. The kids were well behaved and had a great time singing and dancing to the music. Especially Ava who was totally adorable and continued to sing even when the music stopped. LOUDLY. 5 points
  • Survived Christmas Eve at my mothers even though Mark was terribly grouchy from anchoring the couch to the floor all day and the kids were bouncing off the walls. 5 points
  • Cried silently the whole way home because Mark was such an ass. -5 points
  • 2 kinds of cookies for Santa and the Snowman. Carrots for the reindeer. The Night before Christmas read. Everyone tucked in snuggly warm. 5 points
  • Stayed up till 2 am wrapping gifts and drinking wine This is a vast improvement from years past. 5 points

Christmas Day


  • The kids slept in till 6:30!! This year they woke us up BEFORE they started opening presents. 5 points
  • Took only a few pictures and enjoyed watching the kids. 5 points
  • Not enough Batteries. -5 points
  • Spent remainder of morning cooking huge family breakfast of everyone’s favs. 5 points
  • Greeted father in law and his new girlfriend with all the fake warmness in my little heart. 5 points
  • Did not KILL Norm or any of the “adults” who were in the living room while he ate Secret Mission Ice Bats ear off. Calmed hysterical, devastated Cade and fixed Ice Bat’s ear to nearly new. 10 points….cause I was REALLY pissed.
  • Went to work for ½ a shift. Which was nice cause I worked with good friends. 5 points
  • Met Mark and kids at my mom’s again. Did not ridicule Mark for dressing Ava like a circus freak even though I had specifically told him what to put on her. 5 points
  • Enjoyed the evening with my family. Lovely to see my brother and his wife. Makes me so happy that my kids are thrilled with him and that they are back in Michigan. Can’t wait to meet their new baby on Jan.17. 5 points
  • Came to the realization that my marriage is in such a state of ruin that it will never recover. Also came to realize that I don’t care any more. That I can’t care anymore. That my caring is killing me slowly. Painfully.

-All points previously earned.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Clothing Optional

Sunday on the way home from church Peyton asked "where are we going next?"
"No place" I replied.
"No place?"
"Nope, no place."
"Cool. We can stay home naked all day!"
To which Cade hollered "Yahoo!!!"

Here's hoping you had a very merry, naked Christmas.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Do these come in an XXL?

Public Service Announcement:

This is for your own good really. I know it may be difficult to accept. But you have a huge ass. Truly. It's time to come to terms with the fact. This means: throw away all of those pre-baby undies that you used to look hot in. The undies you pick up at Victoria's secret and think are huge? Well they fit you now. Don't buy a size smaller just because the size 2 sales girl is making you feel inadequate. You aren't doing yourself any favors. After wearing pre-baby or denial panties all day you will be left with lacerations to your inner thighs. Seriously. The kind that you may need a home nurse to perform wound care on.

How National City Stole Christmas


Every Tuesday I see my counselor. Bright and early, rain or shine. She makes me work hard even when I don't want to. Needless to say Tuesdays tend to not be the best day for me. After this weeks session she handed me a small folded piece of paper and told me to read it when I was alone and had time to contemplate.

This same day I called our former mortgage company to find out why funds from our escrow account and an overpayment had not been returned to us as stated 7 days after our closing. This was a large some of money that we were planning to use for Christmas. To make a loooooong story short: we aren't getting the money for 30 days past the close day. Which means January. Which means: NO. MONEY. FOR. CHRISTMAS.

I was devasted. Hysterical. In a very un-Christmas like spirit I told the customer service rep "have a merry Fucking Christmas" and hung up the phone. I cried all night worrying about what I would do for my kids...aside from the few meager presents I had bought and made. I literally made myself sick.

Wednesday I drug my butt out of bed, face swollen, eyes blood shot and headed to work. I sat in the parking lot with a heavy heart waiting for the shuttle and I saw it. The tiny piece of neatly folded paper.

I opened it and read:

And the Grinch, with his Grinch feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?
Can I just tell you what a total ass I felt like?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Reader overload

My google reader is out of control. I have been reading blogs for two straight days and I still have 320 items left. I will get caught up though...someday. So if you find comments 6 months from now..I really was thinking of you now. I don't have a word for today or a thought for that matter. I do however have a ton of wintery pictures to share. Tis the season. So enjoy...

Ava and Mrs. Clause picking their noses.

Peyton and Ava with Santa. Cade does NOT do Santa . Here he is modeling our lovely Advent wreath!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Six and one to grow on


Dear Peyton,

Saturday you turned six. It's only fitting that I am late posting this because you love to torture me with "are we late yet?" anytime we have to leave the house. Generally we are and you love to remind me.

Your mind never stops. You frequently tell me your "head hurts from thinking too much" or that you "couldn't sleep because you were thinking". You have an amazing thirst for knowledge. You love to sit in the bathroom while I get ready and ask me a million questions. At night you like to curl up on my bed and have "deep talk" with me. When I don't have the answers you say "Google it".

You love music. You hear a song once and you know nearly all the words. You can not color without singing. You can not poop with out singing...but that's ok...at least you don't have to get butt naked anymore!

You have a killer sense of humor and are quiet the show off. This and your good looks have made you the rock star of the K set.

You are sensitive and caring. You are strong and brave. You are growing up so fast. I hold the tiny hand print ornament that you made for Christmas just after your first birthday and I am filled with such a wide range of emotion: Sorrow, longing, pride, happiness and wonder. You are an amazing young man and I am so proud to be on this journey with you. As much as I love you being my little boy-I look forward to seeing the man you will become.

All the love in my heart. Forever,
Mommy

Very Nice


According to Amonte things are healing very well...down there. He has 2 follow up appts. still this month but things are looking "very nice". At least we can't smell him from across the room anymore...well not because of infection anyway. I mean he is a teenager. Now if I can just get him to do his school work.....

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Get er done

I consider my self to be a feminist-to some degree. I am grateful for the freedoms that the feminist movement has given me. I love that I can vote, equal pay, I don't have to wear a bra (well I do personally..because..yikes) and I can work. But wait maybe I don't want to work. Maybe I want to be a SAHM. However the feminist movement pushed women into the workplace. Then it lied to us all. Men and women alike. "You can have it all!" No you can't. Nobody can truly have it all.

Family's where the mom stays home (or maybe even the dad) usually have to make great sacrifices to make that happen. Women who work outside of the home can not truly give 100% to both family and career. For example in the case of a sick child-some one loses.

I have to work. Quiet frankly there are times when I greatly resent that. As the women's job role in the work force and at home has continued to evolve the mans role really hasn't changed that much. Yes I know some of you are truly blessed with men who are equal partners and whose knuckles don't drag on the ground. But I think for a large majority of women we are still expected to do it all: kids, housework, cooking, finances, health and illness ect. ect. I work all day and when I come home I still have a house to run. I have to admit it is not running very smoothly. I'm failing miserably at all things domestic. I am too freaking tired and so overwhelmed I don't even know where to start.

Of course I also have a bad habit of comparing myself to other people. I wonder "how does she do it all?" Well of course, she doesn't. She has help from outside, maybe from her hubby, her family...a support system. I'm seriously lacking most all of those. So basically the feminist movement gave me some great things. But it also gave me two full time jobs. It fed me the lie that I could do it all. That I could have it all. I bought it. I took on the student loans to build that career. Now I'm trapped. Drowning in work and laundry. Never fully able to give all of myself to anything. Damn Gloria Steinem.

22 Months and Counting


For Her Majesty,

Today you are 22 months old. As hard as that is to believe-I see you changing from my sweet baby girl to an independent toddler right before my eyes. The "terrible two's" are moving in quickly. You have begun to assert your opinion...wordlessly...but we all know what you mean-what you want-and what you don't. You have everyone you come in contact with wrapped around your little finger and you know it.

I love you funny bunny. With all my heart,

Mommy

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Christmas Meme

I got this from Denise's Blog:

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Change all the answers so that they apply to you then send it back to the person who sent it to you plus other friends and family too.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping Paper. Lots of it.
2. Real tree or artificial? Artificial. Seeing as I set real ones on fire.
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually not till after Peytons Birthday Dec15. This year we got it up early though.
4. When do you take the tree down? ASAP. It is way too big for my house.
5. Do you like eggnog? Not really...unless it has LOTS of rum.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A Walkman. You know one of those really big ones when they first came out.
7. Do you have a Nativity scene? Not yet.
8. Hardest person to buy for? Mark
9. Easiest person to buy for? Ava
10. Worst Christmas Gift you ever received? A giant Swatch Watch to hang on my wall...next to my Violent Femmes poster.
11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail. I just got notice they have been shipped. Yahoo.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Elf, Christmas Vacation, Christmas Story and The Family Stone
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have a chance.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, but not as a gift.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Canolli's, straight from New York.
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? CLEAR!
17. Favorite Christmas song? Baby it's cold outside, Santa Baby, and Silent Night
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Christmas Eve Party at mom's and then Christmas Day at home.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? None. Our freaking tree is too tall.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We open one present on Christmas Eve and our Christmas pajamas and then the rest Christmas morning.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The rude shoppers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!! Feel free to consider yourself tagged!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Kitchen Science

CAUTION: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. The following experiment was done in a controlled environment under the supervision of a professional.

Subject: Adorable. Nearly two. Known to have an attitude.

Environment: Cramped Kitchen.

Study Participants: Frustrated mother, antagonizing siblings, begging dog.

Procedure: Place subject into highchair while kicking and screaming. Provide her with glass of milk. Place bowel of Spaghettios (which antagonizing siblings have requested for nourishment) on tray. Turn back on subject.

Outcome: Sippy cup of milk thrown on floor in 2 seconds flat. Lips in pout position. One bite of Spaghettios placed in subjects mouth. Frustrated mother turn back. Loud thud followed by hysterical laughter and dog running from under high chair.

Conclusion: A bowel of Spaghettios tossed off a high chair at maximum velocity by subject will produce a splatter pattern of 10 feet high and approximately 5 feet wide. This will induce antagonizing siblings into fits of laughter which they are unable to recover from. Begging dog will have quick and easy meal. Subject will be satisfied.

Side note: Splatter not instantly cleaned will have to be scrubbed off at a later time. I do mean SCRUBBED.

Exit Only

Amonte came home from the hospital on Friday. It has been a hectic weekend with twice daily Iv antibiotics to be hung, scheduling nurses and daily wound care. I was hopeful that the wound would be looking somewhat better by now and not be quiet so painful but sadly that is not the case. Luckily the nurse that has been coming the past few days is very patient and has a great sense of humor about things. I feel it's important that Amonte be comfortable and able to maintain a sense of dignity...as much as possible in this situation. He seems to be coping fairly well by playing video games, myspace and inappropriate movies. I on the other hand am hanging by a thread. My house is a total pit. I'm behind on correspondence in all forms. I have no Christmas shopping done..or shopping for my Sister in Law's baby shower or Peyton's birthday both of which are Saturday. I plan to partake in some heavy retail therapy which will hopefully pull me together somewhat....Thanks so much to all of you for your kind words, support and prayers. You have been my duct tape.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Your ass smells like ass

Amonte has been on the wrestling team for the past two years. The first year I was extremely pregnant and worked every weekend. Anyone who has ever been to a wrestling meet knows that they last ALL day and are generally on Saturdays. Needless to say I missed several. However, at one meet I watched the entire team of pubescent boys and girls with questionable hygiene SHARE the same pair of nail clippers with out sanitizing them in between. After I had a grandmal seizure I called the school to bitch and promptly bought Amonte his own pair.

Last year Amonte got a new coach. You know one of those really short guys who was an all state wrestler and thinks he's a total bad ass. Amonte broke his hand shortly after the season began so luckily I only had to tell the coach off twice.

The thing about wrestling is that it is a dirty, homoerotic sport, where 1/2 naked boys and sometimes girls grope each other and share body fluids. They also share huge nasty cooties like MERSA, other forms of staph, ring worm and herpes viruses. MMMMMM. NICE.

Well Amonte's midget coach was allowing 2 teenage girls to clean the mats with the wrong type of cleanser no less. Several boys on the team contracted staph infections including Amonte. One had a form of respiratory MERSA and nearly died.

This is why tonight I am blogging from Amonte's hospital room. For the past few months he has been battling huge, nasty abscesses on his hind end. The current one is so bad that he will be going to surgery tomorrow. I love this kid with all my heart but I have seen his ass more than Mark's lately. Thanks coach.

Christmas Secrets

Melinda tagged me for 7 random things about me. I would think that after my last tag everyone on the cyber planet would be tired of hearing about me...but apparently i am just that good. So here you have it 7 random things moi and Christmas:

  1. The first Christmas Mark and I were married he kept joking that he was getting me rocks. Well he did. Beautiful princess cut diamond earrings. I was shocked. It was the best present ever.
  2. One year my aunt got me a HUGE red swatch watch to hang on my pink walls. Mind you at this time I was a skater chick and a giant swatch watch so did not go with the Violent Femmes posters.
  3. When I was in elementary school my mom and I went to a department store to buy me a dress for a school function. There were 2 that i really wanted but we could only afford one. On Christmas day I unwrapped a box from that very department store. I just knew it was the dress and I said so. It was socks and underwear. To this day I feel horrible about how that must have hurt my mom. She probably doesn't even remember...you know I don't think former hippies have good long term memory!
  4. I set a Christmas tree on fire one year because I NEVER watered it a single time.
  5. One year I got so pissed trying to get the lights off the tree that I threw the tree out with the lights on it. We now have a prelit tree :0
  6. I give to every bell ringer I see. Even if I just gave at the last store. I feel guilty if I don't.
  7. I always peek.

Marisa I am tagging you and only you since you swear you have never been tagged!

Monday, December 3, 2007

To: You From :Us

Tis’ the season. It has begun. The Christmas cards and letters are pouring in. I love to get the cards and look at the photos. But the Christmas letters always make me feel like my family is somehow inept, flawed, unworthy. They are filled with a years worth of blessings, happiness, brag worthy events. They fail to mention things like “Junior is in rehab” or “Little Timmy has taken to torturing small animals” and by the way “Susie is knocked up and we don’t know who the baby daddy is”. I personally have no difficulty exposing my family for what we really are. Dysfunctional in a fun way…not a funny way. So this year I am writing my own Christmas letter and I’m not prettying it up. Just for you dear readers, you get the first peak:

Dearest Family and Friends,

For many years we have been overjoyed to receive your annual Christmas letters. This year we decided to try our hand at it and share some highlights from the past 365 days.

We’ll start with Mark seeing as he is the “man” of the family. Mark narrowly escaped being laid off from his job. Which really sucked for me seeing as if he did get the axe we were finally going to move from the hell that is Michigan. He is working as a bouncer on the weekends and I think he may have a girlfriend there. That’s cool as long as he doesn’t spend any money on her. He recently got busted for watching a $150 worth of On Demand Porn. Did I mention we have been separated twice this year and our sex life is nonexistent?

Amonte is a freshmore this year. This is due to the fact he has to repeat 2 freshman classes. Obviously my dreams of a Harvard education have been squashed. He is a month away from being 16 and getting his drivers license. He also FINALLY has a girlfriend. Drivers license, car access, new girlfriend…no doubt he will be loosing his virginity soon.

Peyton has become quiet the ladies man. Apparently all of the K set is lusting after him. He wants to be a rock star when he grows up and have 17 kids and 81 dogs. We are hopeful all 17 will be with one woman. He’s bummed that he hasn’t lost any teeth yet. Cade has offered to knock them out for him.

Cade is really developing a mouth any sailor would be proud of. His current favorite name call is “fucker ass”. He loves the way antibacterial soap tastes when it’s being poured into his mouth. He has really gotten the hang of using scissors and recently cut up my calendar, some bills and his brother’s art work.

Ava. Well what can I say…she doesn’t say much. She does however have a fondness for eating dog food and Beggin Strips. Nothing says snack time like dog treats pressed into bacon strips.

Sybil is still a raging bitch who demands to drink only from the bathroom sink. She takes great joy in tormenting the dog when he is in his crate and has even gone as far as to pee all over his bed.

Trixie. Clueless. Totally clueless. Half the time we don’t even know she exists…until a giant tumbleweed of grey cat hair goes rolling across the kitchen. No I still haven’t gotten a housekeeper.

Then there is Norm. Norm is a beagle mix who adopted us this summer. You have to seriously wonder about anything who would willingly join our family. Obviously the dog has issues. Big ones….besides eating his own feces.

Finally myself. I have gotten progressively crazier. My antidepressants have been increased and I’m now on meds for anxiety. I hardly sleep and you should see how huge my ass has gotten. All I can say is thank god for retail therapy.

Don’t you wish you were here?

Warmest wishes,

Zoe, Mark and Kids

She blinded me with...

Dear Delivery Truck Driver Headed East on Page Ave at 8:30am,
Let me just say that I know what it's like to have a rank cup of coffee or old Coke hanging out in your cup holder. I feel you pain dude. Have you noticed a lot of drive throughs have garbage cans? So do most gas stations and pretty much anyplace else. Also have you ever considered actually stopping your truck to toss out your putrid drink? Like maybe at a stop light? That would be the preferred method. Because ya see I really didn't enjoy having your foul fluid tossed on my car as I drove past you on my way to work. Can I just tell you that had my window been open even a smidgen I would have followed you. Drug you out of your truck and flashed you. Thus rendering you temporarily blind and in need of counseling.
XOXO
Zoe

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Go elf yourself. Literally. Not the game.

I may have mentioned this before but because I have a tendency to be redundant I am going to mention it again. Mark’s family has a yearly Christmas get together. It is by far not the highlight of my holiday season. This year however I am desperately seeking an excuse to not have to drag my family 60 miles to…get this…sit in Marks aunts’ garage. Yep. Her garage. When she called with the date and time she casually dropped this “Oh, make sure the kids dress warm and in clothes you don’t mind getting dirty since we will be in the garage”. The garage? Are you freaking kidding me? We live in cold, icy, frigid Michigan. Plus doesn't everyone know the only reason I would take my kids to a party is to show off how nicely they clean up? Trying to get out of your own personal holiday mosh pit? Check out the holiday party excuse generator. You can make your excuses silly, polite or down right evil. Make sure to keep an eye on the snowman inside the globe...careful he tries to use his carrot as a weapon!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Away in the manger

The Christmas decorations are up. Well not at my house but at others. I do not decorate outside for the simple fact that it is colder than a witches tit in a brass bra (I have heard that is really damn cold). If that makes me the Grinch so freakin' be it. But I do drive the darlings around to look at other peoples crap...ahh..I mean decorations. Tonight on the way home from a school function we passed a house with a GIANT plastic manger in their front yard.

Peyton: HOLY SHIT! IT'S BABY JESUS! STOP THE CAR MOM SO WE CAN GET OUT AND SEE HIM!!!!

Cade: AWWWW. Peyton said a bad word! If baby Jesus heard you he'll tell God to tell Santa not to bring you any presents! Can we go look at baby Jesus mom????

No. We did not stop. Yes. The language was dealt with. No. I have no clue where he could have heard such a thing. No. I don't think they realized that wasn't the real baby Jesus...seeing as Cade wanted to take him another blanket.

A comment on comments

I have said it before and I will say it again. I am a comment whore. I love them. Need them. Want them. As my dotcomrade Driving with the brakes on put it "blogger's validation is better than crack". Uh...at least we think so.

That being said I know I have some lurkers (Hey Wicker, CoCo, Mom!!!!!). Leave a comment you freaks.

Also, I make every attempt to comment directly to your comments. If you aren't on blogger, or your profile does not show your email I can not respond to you directly. I try to respond in my comments but for some reason I am just not good about commenting on my comments. Does that make any sense? Feel free to send me your e-mail if you would like and I will reply to you directly. Otherwise Know that I read and love all your thoughts.

Except for the ones that smell like the chicken breasts that got lost under my seat in the middle of the summer for a week. You suck. If you continue to send me e-mails questioning my faith (because I swear, love gays and am pro choice) and telling me I'm a suck ass parent...Know this. I will post your hate mail on my blog for the world to see with your address. I will then send you every piece of junk e-mail and chain letters that I get everyday for the rest of your miserable life. If that is not scary enough...I will hand deliver my little terrorists right to your front door and leave them with you for an entire day. That should be enough to make you re-examine your holier than though, narrow minded, ignorant, rotten chicken point of view. Or at least make you stop sharing it with me.

Ok, now to do the deep breathing witchypoo taught me. Feelin' the love now.

Lovin' ya all! Except one pious dickhead.

XOXO

Zoe

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

If a cat craps in the woods.....

Can I just give you an idea of the shit I am dealing with here at the love shack?

Sunday.

I asked Mark to vacuum and then he ran to the store for me. No biggie. No complaining. Task completed.

On his way out the door to work he asks " Are you going to Target today?" to which I respond "Hell no, these kids are psychos I'm not taking them anywhere" in a ever so sweet voice. Mark: "Oh we need cat litter" and he leaves for work.

An hour later I go to the back of the shack to find the closet where the cats do their thing closed. The cats are pacing back and forth and getting bitchy. I open the closet to find the cat litter box tipped upside down. Odd huh? So I flip it over and......it's....are you ready...totally freaking empty. Are you kidding me?????

Luckily for me my friend CoCo was on her way over and she nabbed me a bag of litter. Thus saving my cats from a certain death if I had to clean up piss.

Mark came home from work with...guess what...NO cat litter. When I sweetly mentioned the fact that the cats had NOTHING to defecate in he tersely responded "I told you we needed litter."

Am I crazy but telling me nonchalantly that "oh we need litter" and ""hey the litter box is bare ass empty" are two different things. NO?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Ho's beware


Recently in the car Cade was singing along with the radio and I hear:

Cade: "It's too late to call your john!"

Me: Nearly spitting my last precious swallow of Coke all over the dashboard "Uh Cade I think he is singing-it's too late to apologize."

Cade: "No him not. Listen. It's too late to call your john!"

Amonte: "He's your son."

They really should clean those lyrics up and do you know anyone who makes smug grin remover for teenagers? I'll take a case.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

and finally

For my third and final installment: I will reach a grand total of 28 random things. 42 is simply way out of my reach.

TMI about the family unit:

  1. When my brother was little I convinced him that my mom had found him in the gutters of New York City. I called him gutter baby and he believed me.
  2. My mom is an amazing cook. Part of me is resentful that she never taught me and another part of me is thankful-now nobody will expect me to cook Thanksgiving dinner.
  3. My mom, grandmother and uncles have never been on time for anything in their entire lives. EVER.
  4. My grandmother is a hoarder. It is horrible. It scares me so much that I save nothing.
  5. My brother is an engineer with a degree from U of M. He spells phone-fone. If he doesn't use spell check I can't read his e-mail.
  6. My mom and step dad were married for about 12 years before my step brother would say more than 2 words to me with out becoming beat red. He was 10 when I had Amonte. Amonte was 10 when I had Peyton.
  7. My mom used to be a trucker.

Part 2

Ok. Now to continue my tag, I don't think I will reach 42 but here goes.

TMI about my offspring:

  1. When Ava is really tired she pulls her eyelashes out. I'm terrified she has trichatolamania.
  2. Cade calls his boobs "man cans". He insists that one has juice and one has milk. He has a baby doll that he nurses.
  3. Cade also has a freakishly long tongue. In fact he can lick his man cans.
  4. When Peyton first potty trained he had to be butt ass naked to poop. It didn't matter where we were. It all had to come off. He was also obsessed with Harry Potter at this time. We were shopping at Target and he was following me around in full Harry Potter gear. He had to poop but I wouldn't take him unless he agreed to stay clothed...which he wouldn't. "MOOOOOOOM. Why won't you take me to the potttttyyyyy?" Finally irritated I snapped "Do you think Harry Potter gets butt naked to poop?" To which he responded loudly "UH HUH! Harry Potter does get naked to poop! It's in the 3rd movie and we don't have that one!" Having not seen that one how could I argue? I took him to the potty where he got naked and did his thing.
  5. When Peyton was a toddler he loved to wear socks on his hands. All the time. He also loved to wear a pair of rubber rain boots all summer long. By the end of the summer they smelled like ass. Real stinky ass.
  6. When Amonte was in the 3rd grade he complained that his butt hurt. Of course he didn't want me to look but he kept complaining and he couldn't even sit down. Finally Mark and I wrestled him to the ground and pulled his pants off. It was summer and we lived in a row of townhouses. The windows were open and he was SCREAMING "Get off me! Get out of my butt!" He had shingles. I was glad we looked.
  7. All of my kids are convinced that I can untie their belly buttons.

TMI about MOI

Ok. I have been tagged by: Mary, Michelle, Jenny, Denise, Anne and Melissa for the 7 random things about me. Does this mean I have to do 42 things? I'm really not that creative or witty. Or interesting for that matter. Hmm. I think I'll break some of this up.

14 Things about me:

  1. I have an extremely sensitive gag reflex. Brushing my teeth can make me puke. Coughing=puke. Bad smells (like the ones Norm is emitting right now) cause me to gag and then puke.
  2. I suffer from motion sickness. I can not stand things that go round and round. I can't even watch them. I also can not ride in the back of a van or bus.
  3. One time a guy I was dating took Amonte and I to the Cleveland zoo. It was ungodly hot and I had on a sun dress and a very skimpy thong. We went into the petting zoo. A goat ripped my undies off and ate them. He did not complete this task subtly either.
  4. I am addicted to Coke. The drink. Otherwise I would be skinny. If I haven't had my coke by 10 am you'd better stay the hell away from me.
  5. I love to watch people. I also like to talk about the people I watch.
  6. I have food rules which can not be violated.
  7. I never leave the house without mascara on.
  8. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and I have never seen or spoken to my father since.
  9. I am compulsive and impulsive. I am driven to do certain things as if by motor (shopping for example). I rarely think things through. I leap before I look. This has not always served me well.
  10. I am obsessive. About stupid trivial things.
  11. I am indecisive. I will obsess over a decision but never really make one until forced to do so.
  12. I have no clue what my real hair color is. I have been dying it since the 6th grade.
  13. I was voted most eccentric in high school.
  14. I love the rain. It does not depress me. It could rain everyday. When I was little I remember desperately trying to hear the rain over the laughter and music in the house. All I wanted was the rain.
I think I am the last person in cyber space to be tagged with this. OMG! It is junior high gym class all over again!

I'm it

The darling witchypoo tagged me with this little cutie and I am happy to oblige.

(X) Been to Canada-Certainly, since they are my neighbor.

(x ) Been to Mexico - Yes. Twice. Once on a cruise and then on my honeymoon. Word of advice: don't eat from road side stands.

(x ) Been to Florida - Yeah. It's freakin hot as hell there. Snakes. Jellyfish. Bad hair days.

(X) Been on a plane - Yes. But I don't really care to fly.

(X) Been lost - Yeah. Poor sense of direction.

(X) Been on the opposite side of the country - Uh huh. I was born in Oregon. Grew up in Pa then moved to good old Michigan.

(X) Swam in the ocean - Pacific, Atlantic, and the Caribbean

(X) Cried yourself to sleep - Just recently.

(X) Played cops and robbers - Yep. Always the robber.

(X) Played with a Tonka Truck - Yes. I have 3 boys.

(X) Recently colored with crayons - Today.

( ) Sang karaoke - Dear lord no.

( x) Paid for a meal with only coins - Yeah. Just recently on that one too.

(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? - Yes, too many times to count.

(X) Made prank phone calls - HA. This was a favorite pastime for myself and the neighbor girl. Damn caller ID and *69.

(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue - Yes, I hope it wasn't toxic.

(X) Danced in the rain - Of course.

(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus - Yes. I think I got jipped that year.

() Been kissed under the mistletoe - Not that I can recall.

(X) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about - Yes, well someone I cared about momentarily.

(X) Blown bubbles - Absolutely. We have a bubble gun.

() Made a bonfire on the beach - Sadly no.

(X) Crashed a party - Yes. But I made out with the host so it was all good.

( ) Crashed a wedding-Not yet.

( ) Crashed a funeral - No, but that is a thought.

(X) Gone ice-skating - Yes. I hated it. Can you say COLD.

1. Any nicknames? Zooooe

3. Favorite drink? Coke a Cola

4. Any tattoos? X2

5 Body piercing? Ears only. I did have my belly button pierced but I took it out when I got fat.

6. How much do you love your job? Mmmmm.

7. Favorite vacation spot? Grand Haven, Michigan realistically. Although I would much prefer Paris.

8. Ever been to Africa? No. But I plan to someday on medical missions.

9. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Just the other night. Chips a Hoy.

10. Ever been on TV? Nope.

11. Ever steal any traffic signs? No. But I have stolen the giant orange traffic barrels with the blinking lights to decorate some ones yard.

12. Ever been in a car accident? Yes. Caused a few too.

13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4.

14. Favorite pie? I prefer cake.

15. Favorite Number? 3

16. Favorite movie? I have lots. Today it is Little Miss Sunshine.

17. Favorite holiday? Halloween

18. Favorite dessert? Chocolate cake. *slobbering*

19. Favorite food? Pasta. Any pasta really.

20. Favorite day of the week? Sunday. I have no clue why though.

21. Favorite brand of body wash? Canus Little Goats Milk

22. Favorite toothpaste? What ever is on sale.

23. Favorite smell? Rain.

24. What do you do to relax? Read.

25. Do you have a message to your friends reading this? I have friends????

26. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Never thought of it. I'm terrible at thinking ahead.

27. Furthest place you will send this message? Isn't cyber space far enough?

28. Who will respond the fastest? Whoever has a slow workday on Monday.

I’m tagging: Any one who would like to follow along!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Missing in action

Hello Blogger world. By chance have any of you seen Cade's shoes? They were last spotted in the kitchen at around 7 pm while I was putting away $400 worth of groceries with my darling helpers. I do recall telling Cade ever so politely to please remove them from the kitchen and put them where they belong. However, they are not in the closet. Or under the couch, chair or beds. They are not in any of the bedrooms. They are not in the kitchen, bathroom or laundry room. Cade wore his winter boots to school today. He didn't mind. Would any of my lovely blogger buddies like to take my darling boy to purchase a new pair of shoes this evening? He will be ready and waiting on the porch for you. Thanks ever so much.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Who am I???

I am sadly behind on my blog reading. I will be catching up tonight. I also know I have been TAGGED! FINALLY! And those will also be done tonight as will the word and TFT....seeing as on Turkey day I will most likely be too hammered to type a single word...much less have a thought. I'm off to go shopping with the darling Ava for the perfect outfit for her to wear on Thanksgiving. God I love having a daughter. In the main time I leave you with this....

  • Why? Oh Why? Is Cade calling ME Boston Mannor? When I ask him he laughs hysterically. When I ask Peyton he laughs hysterically. When I ask Ava she just looks at me. When I ask Amonte he says "who knows, he is wierd". When I ask Mark he says "huh?" without even looking away from the tv. Any clue? Even a tiny one?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Every grey hair has a reason

Things that actually came out of my mouth tonight:

  • DON'T stick that in your butt!
  • WHO pee'd on this?
  • WHY is there toothpaste all over the bathroom?
  • WHY is there honey mustard all over the dog?
  • WHO put my underwear in the toilet?
  • WHY are there stickers all over your sisters back?
  • FOR GOD SAKE keep your tongue to yourself.
  • Spitting IS NOT a sport.
  • YES you have to wear underwear to school.
  • NO I did not fart.
  • NO farting is not a sport.
  • Hitting your brother but NOT calling him a name does NOT mean you are being nice.
  • Giving you brother 1/2 of your eaten chicken nugget is NOT sharing.
  • YES, I think Spongebob does wear underwear.
  • WE DO NOT EAT OUT OF THE GARBAGE CAN.
Mind you, I got out of work late. All of this was in a 2 and 1/2 hour period.

Through the looking glass

Highlights of weekend fun and games.

Things the boys fought over:

  • Can monsters with little arms open doors?
  • Would dinosaurs make good pets? (They both agreed that they would-except not dinosaurs with little arms because you would always have to open the doors for them).
  • Who took a bath first, went to bed first, brushed their teeth first.
  • Who would be 7 first. The whole birth order thing doesn't seem to matter.
  • Who scribbles and who colors.
Best tattle:
  • By Peyton (of course) "MOOOOOMMMM! Cade keeps saying FACE at me!" Me" Um Peyton, that's not a bad word." Peyton "DUH! I KNOW THAT BUT HE IS BUGGING ME."
Best injury:
  • Peyton got in a fight with a rocking chair and lost. Slight contusion under right eye.
Craft project run amock:
  • Hand print turkeys for the kids and the 2 little ones I was babysitting on Saturday. I think my table is ruined. Clothes certainly were. Tears and paint flinging were involved. Googly glue on eyes will eventually pass in the stool....won't they?
Best car conversation:
  • Cade"I'm not going to say a peep the whole way to church. I'm going to be really quiet. Because my tummy is screaming -I want cake! I want cake! And if I open my mouth that is all that will come out." 30 seconds later "Will there be cake at the party later?" 10 seconds later "Will it be chocolate cake?" 30 seconds later when Amonte and I were laughing at a man wearing his dog as a scarf "MOOOOOMMM! BE QUIET! I NEED PEACE AND QUIET ALREADY!"
All things Norm:
  • Brought home by the neighbor x 3.
  • Devoured 2 bones purchased on Friday before Sunday am.
  • New stuff toy demolished in exactly 10 minutes.
Things accomplished:
  • Not a single, solitary freaking one.
Number of Tylenol consumed:
  • 16
AHHHH. The work week.

Bite me

You may have noticed that I skipped a day...or maybe you didn't. Anyway. I have been trying my damnedest to keep up with this whole daily blogging Naplo???? *whatever it is called* and I have done a pretty swell job. With the exception of the night that I was in a cold medicine induced coma I have been chugging right along. even when I had nothing to say and had to wait an hour for my old broke ass computer to boot up...I still blogged my little heart out. But yet, I have not been able to add my site to their web roll. Why you might ask? Because despite my attempts to do on numerous occasions and on 3 separate computers...every time I click on web log it crashes my computer...or my friends. So ya know what? Last night when I was so tired and I was already in bed snuggling the adorable Ava...I stayed there. My daily run is over.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Cyber Porn

Peyton loves to use my camera to take pictures. I'm cool with it as long as he is careful and sometimes he gets some interesting shots. Tonight I was sitting on the couch nursing Ava and he hollers "Wait!!! Let me get the camera and take a picture of your boobs so we can put them on My Space!". What exactly was Amonte looking at? Hmmm....

Friday, November 16, 2007

Fire! Fire!

I'm so glad that I am able to entrust the care of my children to "professionals" and family. Lets take yesterday for an example of the stellar care my boys are getting:

I arrived at childcare to get Cade and found a note taped in his locker. It read :Dear Mrs. Carpenter, Cade complained all days that his eyes were burning and he was crying at nap time. First I hate being called Mrs. Carpenter. Second, did ya think to call me? When I walk in the class I know instantly why his eyes are burning. His face is beat red and he was burning up. At home his temp read 102 axillary (under the arm people). Huh. My eyes burn to when I'm on FIRE.

Peyton hates to go to childcare, especially after school. He does not like to ride the pig bus and wants to ride the zebra bus home (as you recall he made that decision his self a week ago). Since Amonte is nearly 16 and is done with cross country we agreed he would get Peyton off the bus on school days and I would pay him what I pay childcare. I mean seriously...get him off the big yellow bus, that drives right pass the house and plop him on noodle net until I get home...maybe throw him a little snack? How bad can ya fuck that up? Yeah, pretty bad. He did NOT get Peyton off the bus. He was on the toilet when the bus went by. The back door was locked so Peyton had to beat on it to get Amonte to finally get his ass off the computer (never mind that he lost all computer privileges weeks ago). Then he wouldn't let Peyton play noodle net as promised because as Peyton so lovingly tattled "he was on My Face looking at girls with big boobs"-NICE. Peyton ate 1/2 a bag of mini marshmallows for snack and fell asleep on the couch. The dog did not get fed because quote "I was too busy watching Peyton". The mail did not get brought in because "he didn't know if the new mail box was ours". No, I am not kidding.

Maybe I should train darling Norm to guard the kids. He may be my best option.

Things that make ya go huh??

  • If you are in the hospital telling someone your pneumonia was so bad if you would have waited one more day you would have "died" should you be going outside to smoke?
  • How do two FUGLY ass people make an adorable, perfect, angelic looking child? Ah and NO I am not speaking of Mark and I so stop it right now!
  • I watched you put two dollars of gas in your car which is about to be parts in an auto salvage yard, go buy smokes-and then come out and turn on a kick ass sound system. Where did ya get those spinners?
  • Your 40 and you work at Burger King-not as a manger-and your acting like I'm a dumb ass cause you screwed up my order-again. This is my problem how? *No offense fast food workers. I generally like you. I mean you do feed my offspring on a regular basis*

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Better get Norm an orange sweater

*Whisper* Today is opening day in haystack Michigan. I'm blogging sitting on the floor in the dark for fear some crazed deer killer may think the reflection in the window is deer eyes. I'm terrified to drive down country roads for fear of stray bullets. The buck pole is up and on the radio. *Fetal position-sucking thumb* If Norm gets loose in the next week it is all over for him. All over. I wonder if they would hang him on the buck pole? Would they win a prize?

Super freaks...or super stars??? You decide!

In case you guys didn't already know: my two youngest boys are super stars. Plain and simple. They are hot stuff, like their momma.

Peyton is the new face of Nicole Barczak Photography.

If that wasn't enough to just make me truly the proudest mother on earth already: yesterday when I picked up Cade one of the childcare workers said "go look on the bathroom wall". My first though was-dear god what has he done now??? She assured me it was good...and it was! There are 3 pictures of Cade showing step by step how to wash and dry your hands! He is the poster boy for post potty hygiene *wiping away a tear*.

Peyton says it's because Cade is the best hand washer in childcare. I thought that was a pretty nice thing for him to say. I have seen Cade wash his hands and I do believe he should be a surgeon...or maybe he'll have OCD and be a germophobe. Either way-soooo proud.

The truth about turkey

Yesterday Peyton made a charming bracelet at school to tell the tale of the first Thanksgiving. He told the story so well and was only slightly embarrassed when he continued to call the Indians “aliens”. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the pilgrims brought a scourge of smallpox to the Indians and committed other horrible crimes in the name of religion.

Thanksgiving is full of embarrassing facts. The Pilgrims did not introduce the Native Americans to the tradition; Eastern Indians had observed autumnal harvest celebrations for centuries. Our modern celebrations date back only to 1863; not until the 1890s did the Pilgrims get included in the tradition; no one even called them "Pilgrims" until the 1870s.

Plymouth Rock achieved status only in the nineteenth century, when some enterprising residents of the town moved it down to the water so its significance as the "holy soil" the Pilgrims first touched might seem more plausible.


The most striking reality surrounding the Pilgrims is that the Eastern coastline of America had been in contact with foreigners for about 100 years before the establishment of the Plymouth colony. A year before colonists arrived, smallpox introduced by these contacts had wiped out the Wampanoag village that the Pilgrims settled. Pilgrims were able to survive their first winter partially because of guidance by the natives and because they dug up the deceased Wampanoags to eat the corn offerings in the graves.

Throughout the nation, elementary school children still enact Thanksgiving every fall as our national origin myth, complete with Pilgrim hats made of construction paper and Indian braves with feathers in their hair. Should we teach these truths about Thanksgiving? Or, like our textbooks, should we look the other way?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Cade's horrible, rotten, no good very bad day


I took the day off work today to have some "me time". I scrapped for about 5 hours then picked Cade up early so we could spend some time together. The kid is a freak-he loves to run errands.


Cade:Me having a really really bad day.

Me: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! What happened?

Cade: All day everybody says "hi Cade, hi Cade, hi Cade!" Then Maddie and Charlie fight over me. And everybody keeps telling me how cool my shirt is!

Me: Oh, that makes for a bad day?

Cade: YEAH! *clearly frustrated by my ignorance*


Funny, somehow he managed to soak his shirt and not his pants with urine while we were at the fabric store and that did not phase him at all. I think his priorities are screwed up.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Thanks *sob* Mom

Today I was talking to my mom who is really sick thanks to the germ warfare that my terrorists unleashed on her this weekend. Anyway, I was telling her about spinning Trixie in the dryer and my mom replied "Oh, I'm always really careful about that since...um never mind". Never mind? Oh hell no! You can't start a story and then just let it go. I am way to nosey for that! "Well remember that Siamese cat we had..Limerick? Well, umm..he didn't really run away. I found him in the dryer. Dead." That must have been like 26 years ago!!! My mom never said a word. I would love to be able to say it must have been her or my brother that did the poor cat in...but given recent "incidents"... I can't be too sure it wasn't me. She did bury him in my fave blanket...what does that mean? Did you bury him mom? Or was he in a garbage bag like Mutley?

Question of the day

Could someone please tell me how a 4 and 5 year old boy can DESTROY a mailbox in a matter of moments? On second thought...I don't think I want to know.

Let them eat cake-but not mine!

Today is my birthday. Or so says my birth certificate. My “mother” even has a charming little birth story to tell. But personally I’m not buying it. You see I’m a firm believer that I was stolen away from my true family and sold for a gallon of homemade wine and a freezer bag of high grade Acapulco gold. Even as a small child I had a distinct dislike of manual labor, Tiffany taste and an air of superiority. If I truly had hippie blood coursing through my veins would this be true? I think not. I have faith that my “real” family is royalty or at the least filthy freaking rich. Maybe Russian. Perhaps my given name was Tatiana…I’ve always like that name. I’m sure they are out there somewhere desperately looking for me. Perchance one day they will find me. I’m sure my true birth mother would fall to her knees crying out in Russian-in despair over the mediocrity of my life. After all I was to be an heiress, on the cover of tabloids, hounded by the paparazzi. Instead I’m a nurse living in near squalor. They would beg me to come back with them. But would I? I’ve grown to find my “family” rather charming-in a disturbing way. But if I did go back…this morning when Peyton refused to say “Happy Birthday” to me---I could have sent him to the dungeon to be tied to a rack until he consented to honor me.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Is animal control watching????

This morning I woke up late. I know you are all surprised by that. I had left my scrubs in the dryer last night and I knew they would be all wrinkled. I have issues with wrinkled clothes. I went to the dryer, shut the door and turned it on. Suddenly I heard howling and THUNK, THUNK, THUNK. Instantly I SCREAMED "OH FUCK! THE CAT!!!!" I opened the door and out pops my sweet little Trixie. Completely unfazed. She didn't even give me a dirty look. Cade and I totally manhandled her with kisses and hugs and she just looked at us like "what?". I felt soooo bad. She is truly the sweetest most patient cat. Now had Sybil jumped in there, Norm, or maybe even one of the kids...I may have waited a bit longer to open the door. But truly this was an accident. I hope she forgives me.

Rah Rah Sis Boom BLAH

I am not now, nor have I ever been cheerleader material. In high school I was not a cheerleader nor was I friends with any. While others were at the pep rally I was making out with a substitute teacher. I went to football games to drink and socialize. Cheer for my school? I think not. I do not walk around with a perpetual plastic grin on my face. I am not peppy. I am prone to melancholy but this does not mean that I am an unhappy person. Life is swell...really. I just don't feel the need to announce it to the world. So when you see me please don't say "Smile, it could be worse!" How do you know it isn't worse??? Maybe today is the day that: my house burned down, my dog got rabies, my husband left to join the circus, my son announced he was gay, my grandmother went in to the nursing home and I actually weighed myself. Now leave me alone or I'll give you something to smile about :)

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Tis the season

I missed posting yesterday. I had truly planned on it. This should explain why:

On the first day of Christmas,My true love sent to me a digital thermometer.
On the second day of Christmas,My true love sent to me Two albuteral inhalers.
On the third day of Christmas,My true love sent to me Three pounds of Tylenol.
On the fourth day of Christmas,My true love sent to me Four quarts of Nyquil.
On the fifth day of Christmas,My true love sent to me Five golden boxes of kleenex.
On the sixth day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Six gallons of chicken noodle soup.
On the seventh day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Seven garbage bags of cough drops.
On the eighth day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Eight shipments of Robitussin.
On the ninth day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Nine Vicks vapor rub massages.
On the tenth day of Christmas,My true love gave to meTen tons of Sudafed.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Eleven filled prescriptions.
On the twelfth day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Twelve medical excuses from work.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Freaky Friday

Strange days and nights in in the house that love and insanity built:

  • Ava only woke up once last night. I woke up on time.
  • I took a shower and got ready for work with NO interruptions.
  • Mark willingly took the kids to breakfast and the sitter despite having an incurable case of painted hand syndrome.
  • I made it to work before 8:30 and the shuttle was waiting for me.
  • I had a patient who actually wanted to breastfeed. Did not want to give a bottle or formula.
  • I quickly found a birthday present for mr. popularity (Peyton) to take to a party on Saturday. I also found an adorable wedding card for a great price.
  • While in traffic I looked over to see a woman eating a jar of baby food. No baby in the car. Fruit or vegetable?
  • The boys had no time outs at childcare. WTF?
  • Cade complained of a mild ear ache. He insists that ants crawled in there to sleep because it's getting cold. Let's hope thats not true.
  • The kids fell asleep early watching the Wizard of Oz. Norm is snoring in his crate. Amonte is with his dad and Mark won't be home from work for hours.
God even throws me a bone once in a while! I think I'll hit the haystack early tonight...Sweet dreams!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Buns of marshmellow fluff

In the car:
Cade: Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Yes?
Cade: Um. Never mind.
Me: What baby?
Cade: Noooo. Me don't want to talk to you! Amonte!!!!
Amonte: WHAT?
Cade: When it snows will you make a snowman with me?
Amonte: Yeah, whatever.
Me: I can make a snow man with ya baby.
Cade: Um. No. You aren't strong enough.

WTF? Not strong enough to roll a few balls of snow around? Damn. I really need to hit the gym...I didn't realize it was SO obvious that I'm out of shape. Thanks Cade!

Happy meal with a side of sex


Let me start by saying I am not a prude by any means. However, as the mother of a daughter I am concerned with the toys and clothing that are readily available and deemed acceptable.

Numerous groups have expressed concern over the early sexualization of girls-so much so that the APA developed a task force to assess the depth of the problem. The APA report focuses on the increasing rates of eating disorders, depression, and low self-esteem among younger and younger girls. The Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, D.C., is now seeing patients as young as six with eating disorders. Girls are worrying about their weight and expressing dissatisfaction with their bodies at younger and younger ages.

An article in the Post asked“When do little girls start wanting to look good for others?” and quotes a sex educator as guessing that whereas it once began at six or seven, it now gets started as early as four. I don't believe the issue is the female desire to be attractive. There’s a world of difference between simply wanting to look good (Ava already loves dresses and pretty jewelry)and dressing like a stripper. Once Ava is out of toddler sizes we may have to put a pole in our living room. I don't really think a 4 or 5 year old needs low rise jeans, micro minis, crop tops, heels or bikini underpants! When little girls go from looking pretty/cute to flat out slutty we have crossed the line. "Whatever we may think of immodesty in grown women, there is little doubt that it is disgusting, demeaning, and depraved in little girls".

The toy choices are equally as bad as the clothing. Recently I got Ava a happy meal and in it was a scantily clad roller derby figurine. I got my daughter sex with her fries!!!!! The APA singled out the Bratz dolls, saying, "It (is) worrisome when dolls designed specifically for 4- to 8-year-olds are associated with an objectified adult sexuality." I mean have you see those things? They are little plastic whores. So how do you buy them and then not expect your daughter to want to look like them?

How do you feel about the clothing and toy options available for children under 16? Do your daughters have Bratz dolls or similar ones? Do you have a pole in your living room? Is your 4 year old on the cover of Preschoolers Gone Wild?

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Stanky feet, stanky dog, stanky ???

  • Woke up late. This is a daily event. Please feel free to add it to any of my posts.
  • Fought with Mark because he has 2 broken hands...no not really. They work just fine...I'm assuming.
  • Dropped Ava off at Andreas with a bag of medicine. Felt guilty and relieved.
  • Usual bs at work. Web monitor is back on. "Breastfeeding is tooooooo haaarrrddd" WHINERS. Had adult conversation with people who did not wipe their nose on me.
  • Took the boys to Kohls for winter wear. I was praying they could hold out till Saturday but when I picked them up at childcare they announced they had worn other kids coats and hats outside to play because their sweatshirts were not warm enough and they had no hats. In my humiliation we went promptly to the store.
  • Found coats, hats, gloves and boots. No blood was shed. I still have to cut all the tags out of Peyton's new wares.
  • There was a little person at Kohls and Peyton was enthralled. He kept asking "where did that cute little man go?" LOUD.
  • Andrea fed Ava dinner for me. Greatly appreciated. However Ava smells like a clove of garlic. We are safe from vampires tonight.
  • Speaking of smell: Norm got misted by a skunk. Not sprayed but he certainly walked into some scent. Not pretty.
  • Oh and Peyton got new shoes too. When I took his off to try his boots on I nearly puked they smelled so bad. How can a little kid have feet that rank?
  • Hmmm. Also rank is a smell around or near my computer. Mark will have to find it tomorrow.
  • Amonte bumped the counter and shouted "son of a" to which Peyton quickly replied "BITCH" Cade responded "Peyton said BITCH" Peyton "I did not say BITCH" Amonte cracking up did not help.
  • Take my contacts out. Open the bathroom door to find Amonte mooning me and his siblings laughing hysterically. Ummm. He is the one who needs a butt razor.
  • After listening to Cade sing Linkin Park tonight I seriously think he has a career as a thrash metal screamer.
  • A financial prayer was answered. YAHOO. For that I swear dear lord that I will quit lusting after a certain someone at church.

How was your day??

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I love my job

  • Yesterday I took Ava to the Dr. and we left with 3 RX's. One for antibiotics, one for breathing treatments and another for steroids. I felt guilty but I had to take her to the laundry mat to wash my comforter...thanks to Cade's late night gift. The laundry nazi kept yelling at Ava not to touch the carts and I was about to bitch slap her old ass by the time we got done.
  • While we were at hellmat the childcare called to inform me that Peyton did not get off the bus. After several frantic calls we found him at home. Luckily Amonte was there to let him in. He had decided that he did not "feel like" going to childcare so he just rode the bus home. I'm so glad that he took it upon himself to make that decision.
  • While Amonte was "watching" Peyton he fell asleep and Norm ate a pair of jeans and a shirt. Peyton polished off a good majority of the Halloween candy. Thanks my darling oldest child.
  • Cade poured an entire bottle of bath wash down the tub drain. Imagine my surprise when it was Peyton's turn and the tub is filling up with mounds of bubbles.
  • Norm was let out of the house too many times to count and I think my neighbor is damn sick of bringing him home. Maybe I should suggest that he keep him.
  • The boys got their haircut. They had been growing it out because they wanted "High School Musical hair" and I had really gotten to like it longer...especially Cade's because his is soooo thick. But today the both got fau-hawks. Of course it was a disaster because the dumb ass that cut Cade's hair cut it WAY shorter than Peyton's and Cade really wanted a taller hawk...he cried in the chair. I felt so bad for him especially since the haircut was his idea and Peyton decided on it as an after thought
  • They spent the rest of the afternoon eating a variety of foods and burping in each others faces. They then moved on to eating combinations of food and burping in each others faces to see who could get a stinkier burp. I'm so proud of their creativity and their ability to work together.
  • Ava put cars in the toilet. I was just glad she was up and around and no longer up my ass.
  • Ava colored all over Cade's legs with marker and he let her. He is so cooperative like that.
  • Peyton built a fort in their room, trapped himself inside it and took a 3 hour nap in there. He will be up alll night long.
  • It SNOWED. Need I say more.
Tommorow I'm going to work!!! YAhhoooooo!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Somebody has been sleeping in my bed & using my razor


I am grossly behind on my e-mails and blog readings. I plan to try and catch up tonight! It was a busy weekend and today is not shaping up to be anything terrfific. Cade got in bed with me sometime during the night, had an accident, hopped out and went and got back in his bed...never saying a word. I rolled over this morning and was like WTF? So not only am I home with a sick kid (Ava) but I will be taking a trip to the laundrymat...since my comforter surely will not fit in my washer. Mark is working overtime AGAIN tonight. We really need the money but it sucks not having any help...not that he is a ton of help but any is better than none.


Anyway. Enough. Whining. Already.


Heard while in the bathroom yesterday:


Mark: Ava are you gonna comb daddy's hair? (Mark is bald btw)

Cade: You don't have any hair dad.

Peyton: (in is insuated dumb ass voice) No it's all on his butt.

Cade:EWWWW! You should shave that!

Peyton: Yeah! Use mom's razor.


Nice.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Narcs are us


Peyton is our resident tattletale...or as Amonte "lovingly" calls him our narc. Today was tattling at it's finest:

Peyton: MOOOOOM!!!! Ava is doing something boring!!!!!

Oh for the shame of it all Ava.

Wow. This daily stuff is rough.

Friday, November 2, 2007

No tricks, just treats

My Mom came over on Halloween to help me get the kids ready. It was much appreciated because Ava was not feeling well and was in rare form. Peyton and Cade were acting like crack addicts in dire need of a fix. Amonte was...where the hell was Amonte??

Anyway. Ava did not really enjoy the "getting ready" party and flatly refused to allow me to put whiskers on her chubby cheeks. Once we got her outside she was perkier than a newly augment breast. She danced around the yard and rolled in the leaves while the boys impatiently waited. At the first house she wasn't too sure...but once she realized you get treats in bucket she was all in. Her brothers were very patient with her and made certain that she was not forgotten if they made it to a door before her. They were polite and Peyton refrained from singing his new fav song "trick or treat smell my feet give something good to eat-if you don't I don't care-I'll pull down your underwear". Nice. Ava signed thank you to everyone and of course added a kiss for good measure which won her lots of "awwws". When it started misting out we headed home with NO complaining. The kids pigged out and handed out some candy to stragglers...mostly teens sans costumes. Heres a peak:
Don't Peyton and Cade look thrilled? But hey no fighting!!!
Ava protesting.
Ava signing thank you.

 
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