To: You From :Us

Tis’ the season. It has begun. The Christmas cards and letters are pouring in. I love to get the cards and look at the photos. But the Christmas letters always make me feel like my family is somehow inept, flawed, unworthy. They are filled with a years worth of blessings, happiness, brag worthy events. They fail to mention things like “Junior is in rehab” or “Little Timmy has taken to torturing small animals” and by the way “Susie is knocked up and we don’t know who the baby daddy is”. I personally have no difficulty exposing my family for what we really are. Dysfunctional in a fun way…not a funny way. So this year I am writing my own Christmas letter and I’m not prettying it up. Just for you dear readers, you get the first peak:

Dearest Family and Friends,

For many years we have been overjoyed to receive your annual Christmas letters. This year we decided to try our hand at it and share some highlights from the past 365 days.

We’ll start with Mark seeing as he is the “man” of the family. Mark narrowly escaped being laid off from his job. Which really sucked for me seeing as if he did get the axe we were finally going to move from the hell that is Michigan. He is working as a bouncer on the weekends and I think he may have a girlfriend there. That’s cool as long as he doesn’t spend any money on her. He recently got busted for watching a $150 worth of On Demand Porn. Did I mention we have been separated twice this year and our sex life is nonexistent?

Amonte is a freshmore this year. This is due to the fact he has to repeat 2 freshman classes. Obviously my dreams of a Harvard education have been squashed. He is a month away from being 16 and getting his drivers license. He also FINALLY has a girlfriend. Drivers license, car access, new girlfriend…no doubt he will be loosing his virginity soon.

Peyton has become quiet the ladies man. Apparently all of the K set is lusting after him. He wants to be a rock star when he grows up and have 17 kids and 81 dogs. We are hopeful all 17 will be with one woman. He’s bummed that he hasn’t lost any teeth yet. Cade has offered to knock them out for him.

Cade is really developing a mouth any sailor would be proud of. His current favorite name call is “fucker ass”. He loves the way antibacterial soap tastes when it’s being poured into his mouth. He has really gotten the hang of using scissors and recently cut up my calendar, some bills and his brother’s art work.

Ava. Well what can I say…she doesn’t say much. She does however have a fondness for eating dog food and Beggin Strips. Nothing says snack time like dog treats pressed into bacon strips.

Sybil is still a raging bitch who demands to drink only from the bathroom sink. She takes great joy in tormenting the dog when he is in his crate and has even gone as far as to pee all over his bed.

Trixie. Clueless. Totally clueless. Half the time we don’t even know she exists…until a giant tumbleweed of grey cat hair goes rolling across the kitchen. No I still haven’t gotten a housekeeper.

Then there is Norm. Norm is a beagle mix who adopted us this summer. You have to seriously wonder about anything who would willingly join our family. Obviously the dog has issues. Big ones….besides eating his own feces.

Finally myself. I have gotten progressively crazier. My antidepressants have been increased and I’m now on meds for anxiety. I hardly sleep and you should see how huge my ass has gotten. All I can say is thank god for retail therapy.

Don’t you wish you were here?

Warmest wishes,

Zoe, Mark and Kids