Monday, December 3, 2007

To: You From :Us

Tis’ the season. It has begun. The Christmas cards and letters are pouring in. I love to get the cards and look at the photos. But the Christmas letters always make me feel like my family is somehow inept, flawed, unworthy. They are filled with a years worth of blessings, happiness, brag worthy events. They fail to mention things like “Junior is in rehab” or “Little Timmy has taken to torturing small animals” and by the way “Susie is knocked up and we don’t know who the baby daddy is”. I personally have no difficulty exposing my family for what we really are. Dysfunctional in a fun way…not a funny way. So this year I am writing my own Christmas letter and I’m not prettying it up. Just for you dear readers, you get the first peak:

Dearest Family and Friends,

For many years we have been overjoyed to receive your annual Christmas letters. This year we decided to try our hand at it and share some highlights from the past 365 days.

We’ll start with Mark seeing as he is the “man” of the family. Mark narrowly escaped being laid off from his job. Which really sucked for me seeing as if he did get the axe we were finally going to move from the hell that is Michigan. He is working as a bouncer on the weekends and I think he may have a girlfriend there. That’s cool as long as he doesn’t spend any money on her. He recently got busted for watching a $150 worth of On Demand Porn. Did I mention we have been separated twice this year and our sex life is nonexistent?

Amonte is a freshmore this year. This is due to the fact he has to repeat 2 freshman classes. Obviously my dreams of a Harvard education have been squashed. He is a month away from being 16 and getting his drivers license. He also FINALLY has a girlfriend. Drivers license, car access, new girlfriend…no doubt he will be loosing his virginity soon.

Peyton has become quiet the ladies man. Apparently all of the K set is lusting after him. He wants to be a rock star when he grows up and have 17 kids and 81 dogs. We are hopeful all 17 will be with one woman. He’s bummed that he hasn’t lost any teeth yet. Cade has offered to knock them out for him.

Cade is really developing a mouth any sailor would be proud of. His current favorite name call is “fucker ass”. He loves the way antibacterial soap tastes when it’s being poured into his mouth. He has really gotten the hang of using scissors and recently cut up my calendar, some bills and his brother’s art work.

Ava. Well what can I say…she doesn’t say much. She does however have a fondness for eating dog food and Beggin Strips. Nothing says snack time like dog treats pressed into bacon strips.

Sybil is still a raging bitch who demands to drink only from the bathroom sink. She takes great joy in tormenting the dog when he is in his crate and has even gone as far as to pee all over his bed.

Trixie. Clueless. Totally clueless. Half the time we don’t even know she exists…until a giant tumbleweed of grey cat hair goes rolling across the kitchen. No I still haven’t gotten a housekeeper.

Then there is Norm. Norm is a beagle mix who adopted us this summer. You have to seriously wonder about anything who would willingly join our family. Obviously the dog has issues. Big ones….besides eating his own feces.

Finally myself. I have gotten progressively crazier. My antidepressants have been increased and I’m now on meds for anxiety. I hardly sleep and you should see how huge my ass has gotten. All I can say is thank god for retail therapy.

Don’t you wish you were here?

Warmest wishes,

Zoe, Mark and Kids


  1. Are you seriously going to send that out to people? Cause I love that. Honest is so much better than well...not honest.

  2. Well, now you don't have to write it, just email the whole fam damily a link.
    Stick a sprig of holly on it, and Bob's yer uncle.
    You have way too much testosterone in your house. Give them all tutus for Christmas.
    Glad to see that you finally put your blog voting thingamajiggies up.
    Much love to you, my sweet.
    Love, witchypoo (One workaround for Google/Blogger being poopy about outside links now)

  3. I love you! You really should think about stand up comedy!

  4. That right there eliminates the need to buy anyone a Christmas present - and it's the gift of honesty, which is just so important these days.

    I love the label as well - 'Emancipation Hearings' . . . well worth the paper and ink if it gets the little buggers away from your bank account a few years early.

  5. Now, that is the kind of letter I'd love to receive and read. It was sadly - funny and you are right about all the letters not being "real". Take care. Kellan

  6. I am sorry that I had to chuckle halfway through your letter. I am chuckling though at the sarcasim; I love it!

    I think we all have similar letters to send but instead we keep sending those happy pictures...too much honesty really brings down the holiday I guess : (

    Great post.

  7. Funny letter. Seriously, people wouldn't know what to do... They would wonder, is this for real, or is she joking. Only you would know, huh? Good stuff, keep it coming!

  8. LOL I think that would be a riot to get.

  9. OMG woman! I would LOVE to receive that or better, to write an honest holiday letter such as that.

    Seriously, I read this aloud to my husband just now and we are totally ROTFLOL.

    Send it!

  10. You are hilarious!!! That is the best Christmas letter I've read in a long time!=)

  11. BTW, I forgot to mention, I have tagged you for a meme.

  12. That would serve the letter-writers right! I love the letter, dripping with honest holiday cheer :)
    To be honest, I too hate those self-righteous, chest pounding, my life is so great I have to brag about it in writing to 300+ people letters!

  13. Love your Christmas letter.

  14. ok girl. when and where are we meeting up? :)

    love this. love it.


  15. Zoe that is classic!
    I hate the Xmas letter writing people.....I think its obnoxious!
    Yours on the otherhand........oh please send it!!

  16. hahaha - that's great. its the kind of letter you could frame and hang up above your fireplace all year long. :)

  17. That is an AWESOME letter and if anyone I knew sent it to me, I'd be happy to know that we all have our family issues and obscurities (as opposed to everyone else's family seeming so damn perfect! ugh!) LOL

  18. Ha Ha! That is Hilarious! How come I can't post comments with my Type Pad address anymore??

  19. the best!!! we get some real goofy ones!!! this rocks!!!

  20. i have taken yet another lesson from to write a kick-ass Christmas letter!

  21. You know i love the honesty..Maybe the family needs to hear they stop lying to themselves about thir "perfect" so called life...Great letter.. If i ever received a letter like that-i'd be so prud. So proud to have someone in the family not feared by honesty. ROCK YOU

  22. holy shazbot that is the best christmas letter i've never gotten. Would you mind if I copied yours and just changed some of the details?

  23. LOL! Can you write my Christmas letter next year? Pwetty pwease? Seriously, couldn't sto plaughing! I think I'll have to direct my husband to your blog sometime to read it. We could so use a letter like that!

  24. Holy Hell that is so funny! I say, send it!!
    Now I'm going to have to seriously reconsider this year's letter.


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