Monday, December 31, 2007

A new me for the new year

I'm not one to make New Years resolutions. Mostly because I never keep them. But this year is going to be different. So here it is my list of awesomeness for 2008:

  1. Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
  2. Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
  3. Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
  4. Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
  5. Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
  6. Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
  7. Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
  8. Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
  9. Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
  10. Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
  11. Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
  12. Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
  13. Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
  14. Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
  15. Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.
Wishing you a wonderful New Year. Get your camera phone ready...or if your not nice a really good pair of tweezers.

17 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, but I happen to think that braids are a fetching way to display leg hair. Sue me.

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  2. My friend reached over to aid a co-worker with removal of a long hair on her sweater...but upon pulling it, realized it was a NIPPLE HAIR. And it was still attached. Makes for an awkward elevator ride.

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  3. LOL, you maybe able to kill 2 bird with one stone and get a free subscription to Star by buying a pack of razors.

    Love the Depo one.

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  4. Hahahahaha! Thanks for the laughs, Zoe! Happy New Year, and I hope 2008 brings you much happiness! :0)

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  5. Holy crap, you make me laugh! Shaving legs is always an afterthought for me, so I can relate. And dang, I think we need the public Depo in these parts as well...too many fools abound!!

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  7. Sorry, second try. I can't type today.

    I think I like your resolutions better; now I need to go back and change mine. Thanks and good luck with that mini-horse. They are so cute but be careful their poop is anything but "mini."

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  8. too funny. happy new year to you, too. talk with you soon.

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  9. Holy Crap, too funny!!! I hope you had a great New Year

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  10. Great to see your sense of humor only gets better every year! LOL.
    Happy New year!

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  11. ok I stopped reading at going comando! LOL Can I join you on these? Besides if I wanted to work I have plenty to do. Only thing I am going to do it get OMSH package of coffee ready.

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  12. Holy freakin funny batgirl ! Fantastic goal list. Hope you get your pony and i'd pay to see the tongue stapling.

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  13. I was cracking up reading your list. I totally agree with the depo one. I'm always telling Tom about people who shouldn't be allowed to breed. Happy New Year!

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  14. Great resolutions, you are too funny. My favorite is the lose weight one! Great idea!

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  15. your resolutions rock. :)
    happy new year!

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  16. OMG!!! You are one Funny Girl!

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  17. OMG i think i'm gonna die from laughter...

    happy 2008! the best resolutions ever!! =)

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