Monday, December 31, 2007

A new me for the new year

I'm not one to make New Years resolutions. Mostly because I never keep them. But this year is going to be different. So here it is my list of awesomeness for 2008:

  1. Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
  2. Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
  3. Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
  4. Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
  5. Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
  6. Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
  7. Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
  8. Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
  9. Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
  10. Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
  11. Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
  12. Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
  13. Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
  14. Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
  15. Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.
Wishing you a wonderful New Year. Get your camera phone ready...or if your not nice a really good pair of tweezers.


  1. I'm sorry, but I happen to think that braids are a fetching way to display leg hair. Sue me.

  2. My friend reached over to aid a co-worker with removal of a long hair on her sweater...but upon pulling it, realized it was a NIPPLE HAIR. And it was still attached. Makes for an awkward elevator ride.

  3. LOL, you maybe able to kill 2 bird with one stone and get a free subscription to Star by buying a pack of razors.

    Love the Depo one.

  4. Hahahahaha! Thanks for the laughs, Zoe! Happy New Year, and I hope 2008 brings you much happiness! :0)

  5. Holy crap, you make me laugh! Shaving legs is always an afterthought for me, so I can relate. And dang, I think we need the public Depo in these parts as well...too many fools abound!!

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  7. Sorry, second try. I can't type today.

    I think I like your resolutions better; now I need to go back and change mine. Thanks and good luck with that mini-horse. They are so cute but be careful their poop is anything but "mini."

  8. too funny. happy new year to you, too. talk with you soon.

  9. Holy Crap, too funny!!! I hope you had a great New Year

  10. Great to see your sense of humor only gets better every year! LOL.
    Happy New year!

  11. ok I stopped reading at going comando! LOL Can I join you on these? Besides if I wanted to work I have plenty to do. Only thing I am going to do it get OMSH package of coffee ready.

  12. Holy freakin funny batgirl ! Fantastic goal list. Hope you get your pony and i'd pay to see the tongue stapling.

  13. I was cracking up reading your list. I totally agree with the depo one. I'm always telling Tom about people who shouldn't be allowed to breed. Happy New Year!

  14. Great resolutions, you are too funny. My favorite is the lose weight one! Great idea!

  15. your resolutions rock. :)
    happy new year!

  16. OMG!!! You are one Funny Girl!

  17. OMG i think i'm gonna die from laughter...

    happy 2008! the best resolutions ever!! =)


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