Carnival of Crazy: Admission free

I have been tagged by LeeAnn and Anne for seven random things about me. I truly must be a giant freak show because I can always come up with something random and usually a bit odd.

1. I have two tattoos and plan to have more. I love the way it feels.
2. I used to have my belly button pierced but then I got fat. Nobody wants to see that.
3. I have tons of chicken pox scars. I had an absolutely horrid case.
4. When I worked public health my entire office was struck by head lice...including me.
5. When I was pregnant with Ava I wanted to drink Tide...but I didn't.
6. I never wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to work in fashion.
7. I have been clinically depressed since elementary school.
8. I got drunk for the first time in 6th grade.
9. I used to party with rock stars.
10. I hit a cop car-but didn't get a ticket :)
    
11. I have been to driver improvement twice.
12. Once, I threw up a jellyfish.
13. I hate yellow gold.
    
14. I never go anywhere without mascara.

I really stink at tagging people. If you want me to get to know you better go ahead and post seven JUICY things about you.

Ok and try to act shocked. I have more bling. It's The Daily Dose Award. As I am one of witchypoo's daily must reads. Now, I know I am her cyber bitch and all but don't be hate'n.

I am to give this to three of my daily must reads. That is a hard one! Do you think Perez Hilton would accept it? No? Well then : Law student Hot Mama (especially since I screwed up her last award!), Don Mills Diva and Melinda.

No June Cleaver

Days like Tuesday, when I left Ava at the sitters knowing she was sick-I wish I could be at home. Days like Wednesday when I left the kids at the sitter and not a single one of them even wanted to kiss me goodbye-I wish I could be at home.

But for the most part I have no desire to be a stay at home mom. I tried it once and it was not pretty. I'm not structured, scheduled or consistent enough. It was total mayhem seven days a week. Nobody ever knew what was coming next, including me. I had all these grand ideas of field trips, crafts and home cooked meals. What I got was not what I had bargained for.

I'm a better mom when I work. I appreciate my time with my kids more. I look forward to days off with them. They have a schedule...a routine...by sheer necessity. No, it's not always easy. Sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions. I feel guilty a lot.

I have an awesome sitter and that helps. She is all of the things that I am not. My kids eat well balanced meals and are not learning to swear in five different languages when they are with her. She loves them as much as I do. She cares for them like they are her own. Without her I could not manage. It would be unbearable to be away from them all day and not know that they were completely safe.

I think it's easy for women to judge each other. To criticize another womans decisions. No, I probably don't have to work. We could manage. We would have to do without a lot. Mostly my sanity.

If you know a stay at home mom recognize how difficult her job is. If you know a working mother don't assume she doesn't care about the well being of her kids. If you have an awesome care provider thank her every chance you get and make sure she knows how much you appreciate her!

Who Punk'd Peter Rabbit?

Ava in line for the Easter bunny. Literally shaking in her ballet flats.


Ava when I told her we were next. That is not a look of excitement.


Cade in line...not being a "fraidy cat".


This was as close as Cade got to the bunny.


Ava when I told her the Easter bunny was coming!

Easter Revival

Holidays are always chaotic at the love shack and Easter was no exception. As with most occasions I am the one solely responsible for making memories and magic.

Friday, which as I shared before, was a rather lovely day. After our little fender bender I took Cade, Ava and Amonte to the mall to see the Easter bunny. Peyton begged out insisting that the Easter bunny is "gay" and he was simply too "old" to participate in such nonsense. Amonte of course really is too old to see the rabbit-he was just along to look at girls. Cade swore for at least a week that he was "not a fraidy cat" and that the bunny is "harmless". Once we got in line it was a whole another story. We waited at least a half hour with him saying he was going to sit with the bunny -but looking rather anxious. Ava freaked the moment she saw the critter and spent the time clinging to my leg and chewing on her shirt. We never made it past the entrance before they both completely lost it. So no pics this year. I do however have lots of pics of them waiting in line. But for some reason I can't get them up on blogger.

Of course there was also the shopping for things that don't actually exist (but do in the mind of a four year old), searching for things that exist but are impossible to find and returning of purchases made in dire hopes of making up for the inability to procure unobtainable goodies. In the end everyone was happy with their baskets. Well, I say everyone. I have no clue how Amonte felt about his as he spent the weekend at his sperm donors-returned home-went to his room and shut the door never to be heard from again. I have noticed the candy litter on the bedroom floor and Peyton informed me he had watched his movie so I can assume he was pleased.

Easter day was spent lazing around. As we had our dinner on Friday I really didn't feel it necessary to repeat it for just the terrorists and me. They were plenty happy snacking on their baskets. We passed on hunting for eggs in eight inches of snow, but we did manage to color a few dozen. Ava had great fun and kept drinking the egg bath. Luckily it was non-toxic as I don't think I could maintain any amount of sanity with another ER visit. Peyton and Cade tossed a couple at each other-thankfully after they were boiled so no harm. Next year our goal is to make it out of our pj's.

Hope you had a wonderful Easter. Maybe the pics will load later...

Dentist is a PUSHER

Peyton will be a happy drunk. Either that or he'll be the one that you can not convince has had a few too many. I'm not sure which, but I am hoping for the first. Curious as to how I know this? No, I did not ply him with green ale or whiskey on St Patrick's day. Nor do I leave full shot glasses laying around. What kind of a mother do you think I am. Uhh...don't answer that.

About a month and a half ago Peyton's two lower "big" teeth came in behind his baby ones. Although the babies were loose they were not ready to come out and Peyton was a bit squeamish about helping them. He has been blessed with my narrow palate and there is simply not enough room for his adult teeth. The dentist recommended pulling the bottom four. Peyton has always done extremely well at the dentist, but at his last exam they tried to take x rays and he FREAKED out. So they scheduled us for a return visit where he could be sedated. Thus saving them from inevitably having to wear hearing aids.

Last Tuesday we arrived at 8 am for Peyton to be medicated. He chugged down a glass of versed cocktail like a college frat boy. Then we sat in the lobby and waited for it to take affect. Soon he was giggly, babbling incoherently and hallucinating. He was extremely amusing to the entire waiting room which he was enjoying even in his diminished capacity. However, he kept insisting that he could get up and walk. He dropped his book and as I bent down to get it so did he. He promptly fell of the bench and laid splayed all over the floor cracking up.

He went through the extractions without incident and spent the rest of the day laying on the couch dozing and bossing me around. During this time we had numerous conversations about the Tooth Fairy. Peyton was extremely interested as to why she would want his teeth. Cade said that she eats them like popcorn and that they are her favorite food. Peyton thinks she is a little girl who doesn't want to grow up. Every time she looses a baby tooth she replaces it with someone else's.

At bedtime we placed his four pearly whites into a tiny box and put them lovingly under his pillow. He decided to sleep at the other end of his bed. He was very concerned that he would swallow her or perhaps roll over and crush her tiny body. I crept in later and placed a book, four crisp one dollar bills and a note under his pillow. In my teeny, tiniest handwriting I wrote a note from the Tooth Fairy thanking him for so many beautiful teeth. He was thrilled the next morning.

Now the teeth are in my underwear drawer and will shortly be thrown away. I have had several people tell me that they keep their kids teeth. EWWWW.

Pass the Guiness!!

An Irish Blessing

May the blessing of the rain be on you

—the soft sweet rain.

May it fall upon your spirit

so that all the little flowers may spring up,

and shed their sweetness on the air.

May the blessing of the great rains be on you,

may they beat upon your spirit

and wash it fair and clean,

and leave there many a shining pool

where the blue of heaven shines,

and sometimes a star.

Happy St Patricks day! Drink a few beers for me! Damn carbs :(

SUCKER

Yes! That is the word tattooed on my forehead. I even think I may have been born with it. I some how got Tom Sawyered into both taking and picking Amonte up from the freaking teen club. Did I mention it closes at 1am? Or that I have been up since 6 am? Or that I am in carb withdrawal and have a KILLER headache. It is now nearly 12:45. By the time I get back with him Ava should be waking up for her post midnight boob. Cade will be up at 6-"It's morning time mom. When are you gonna get up?" Next will be Peyton-"It's Sunday are you gonna go get me donuts". I am a slave. Shackled by their cuteness, their cuddles and occasional compliments. I wonder how many laser treatments it will take to have this fucker burned off?

Autobiography

Marmarbug tagged me for a meme!!! She loves me.

What were you doing ten years ago? I was working at the U of M in pediatric transplant-killer overtime. Serial dating.

What were you doing one year ago? About the same thing I'm doing now. Pretty lame huh?

Name five of your favorite snacks. Stacy's Cinnamon pita chips, hummus with pita bread, cashews, chocolate covered pretzels and Twizzlers


Name five things you would do if you were a millionaire. Pay off my debt of course, travel to Africa on medical missions, plastic surgery, college funds, lunch with Ekhart Tolle

Name five things you like doing. Reading, sewing, scrapbooking, snuggling with my kids and shopping

Name five things you would never wear again. Big hair, blue eyeshadow, tight ass jeans, a bikini, stretch pants

Name your five favorite "toys". I'll keep this pg. My sewing machine, cell phone, hand held tetris game, guitar hero and pimple extractor

The Proud SAHM tagged me too for 8 things about me. I thought you guys would be sick of my quirks by now but apparently I really am that interesting!

1. I was voted most eccentric in high school.
2. I love men with a since of humor (hence my strong attraction to Jack Black and Old Knudsen). Oh and bald men. Men with accents...and kilts. Oh and men with tattoos!
3. I cry when we pass veal farms.
4. I have no clue what my natural hair color is. I have been coloring it since the 6th grade.
5. I though yogurt was ice cream until 1980.
6. I suffer from motion sickness. You do not want me riding in the back of your van.
7. I can not sleep with any part of my body hanging off the bed. The monsters under the bed will surely get me.
8. I HATE basements. Monsters.

I'm horrible at tagging others. I feel guilty when I do (seriously people I have more guilt than any good Catholic). If you want to-consider yourself slapped!

Cat Chow

There is something seriously wrong with Her Majesty. I mean besides the obvious things, like not speaking. Ava loves to watch Animal Planet. Her favs are Meerkat Manor, Living with Wolves (she likes to howl with them) and Giant Cat Diary.
Well the other night we were watching the "big cats". She would become quiet anxious when commercials came on. As if they signaled an end to her viewing pleasure. She was happily chattering away to the cats when I noticed a baby deer like thing hop into view on the screen. Ahhh. Oh no. The horror that is nature was about to unfold before my delicate 2 year olds eyes.
She was fixated as the spotted panther chased down the tiny creature and slaughtered it. With tears in my eyes I turned to look at Ava. I expected a look of sorrow, or confusion. Instead her face was a glow with excitement. She pointed at the TV and began to laugh hysterically. She continued to giggle uncontrollably while the big cat and her baby ripped the little deer to shreds.
Is it any surprise she is a carnivore? What am I raising here people?

Feed me Seymour

Sarcastic Mom aka Lotus had a feeding carnival yesterday. I had good intentions of getting my post done but sadly my family had other ideas. So here I am a day late. But hey, I figure you'd love to hear about my boobies any day.

Let me start by saying I strongly believe that how you feed your baby is a highly personal decision. It is never a choice as simple as breast or bottle. There are so many emotions, personal history's and expectations attached to to nourishing our babies.

I have successfully breastfeed four children for varying degrees of time. But it has not always been easy. Each experience was unique and had its own challenges. But I have to admit that with Cade, I seriously struggled.

The day Cade was born he nursed like a champ. For a glorious 24 hours we had peace. Then I made the mistake of having him circumcised. I personally have strong feelings against circumcision but it was important to my husband. During the circ Cade was given a pacifier. Against my wishes and without my permission. The peace was shattered.

Cade immediately began to refuse the breast. He was suddenly unable to latch. I spent the rest of our stay spoon feeding which did not go over well with the staff. His bilirubin level rose. They told me he would be "retarded" if I didn't give formula. I continued to spoon feed. We were discharged but had to come back daily for bilirubin levels.

The nursery staff barraged me during these checks. Hounding me to give him formula. Even the lactation consultant seemed to blame me. She told me he was over stimulated. I was taking him out too much, too busy. My fault. I left devastated. I was sobbing uncontrollably before I even reached the car.

Once home I continued to struggle at each feeding. Spending at least 30 minutes attempting to nurse while he screamed and then cup feeding him. Pumping, cup feeding, failed attempts. With each day I fell deeper and deeper into a depression. I taught and supported breastfeeding mothers and I couldn't even nurse my own child. I stopped sleeping. I began to pull my hair out. I became anxious, paranoid.

I knew I was in trouble. My ob was amazingly supportive and prescribed meds immediately. Within a week I began to think more clearly. I became indignant. How dare this child not nurse! I became determined. I used all of the resources I had. At 3 weeks old Cade nursed again. It was the middle of the night but I felt the sun shining on us. The weight of those three hideous weeks was lifted. I sobbed tears of joy and relief.

Cade became an expert nurser. So much so that when I returned to work he refused to take a bottle. After three sitters in two weeks I finally found one who would cup feed him...as he had done before. But there was no screaming, no tears, no heartbreak. I knew when I picked him up he would bury his curly blond head in my chest and nurse with ease.

If I had to do it over again would I have been so militant? Would I have allowed my self to become consumed? Would I have accepted our failure and moved on? Maybe, but I know with every bottle I made...the failure, the heartache, the longing would still have been there.

My stubborn little man today

Shamu Sausage

As some of you know I am a semi-vegan. I NEVER eat red meat. I do not eat eggs. On occasion I will eat pork. I will eat chicken, but only if it is white meat, no veins, no skin. I do eat fish. There are several reasons I abstain from red meat. For one, I think it is disgusting. Secondly, cows are cute. Thirdly, raising cattle is horrible for the environment. Which brings me to my thought:

The Norwegian group: The High North Alliance, which represents the interests of coastal communities in the Arctic(READ THIS AS LOBBYIST GROUP) recently became the first group to measure the carbon foot print of whaling. Norway and Japan (the two primary whale hunting nations) have long been seeking validation of their practices.

The survey, focused on whale boats' fuel use, showed that a kilo (2.2 lbs) of whale meat represented just 1.9 kilo (4.2 lbs) of greenhouse gases against 15.8 for beef, 6.4 for pork and 4.6 for chicken.

"Greenhouse gas emissions caused by one meal of beef are the equivalent of eight meals of whale meat," the study said. (YIKES!)

"Basically it turns out that the best thing you can do for the planet is to eat whale meat compared to other types of meat," said Rune Froevik of the High North Alliance. (WTF?????? Talk about lobbyist propaganda!!!!)

As you can imagine the environmental group Greenpeace dismissed the survey, saying almost every kind of food was more climate friendly than meat and that the threat of extinction was more important.

Now I'm all for being green. I mean I don't eat meat anyway. But if you knew eating whale was better for the environment, better for our children's future, would you put down the steak and grub on some blubber? (BTW do you have any clue how they kill whales? If not then you REALLY don't want to know.)

Just curious. By the way if you are interested in knowing your role in climate change check out your carbon foot print here.

Chunks anyone?

You may have notice from yesterdays post that I was not having a good day. I did manage to get the kids in bed on time and I had just settled down in front of the computer when I heard it. Gagging. I turned around and there is Cade "Me not feel good" in a whiny little voice. I tried to race him to the bathroom but he vomited all over the kitchen floor. While I was cleaning that up (and trying to keep Norm from eating it) he vomited in the bathroom sink. Plugging it up with chunks. Have I mentioned before that I don't do vomit?

I managed to get everything cleaned up with out hurling myself and put him on the couch to watch Casper. When Mark got home from work I warned him that Cade was on the couch and not feeling well. Within 5 minutes Mark was back "we have a problem". When he carried Cade to bed he noticed a horrid smell. Peyton had thrown up in his sleep. It was everywhere. He was covered. Mark actually asked me "should we wake him up?" Are you fucking kidding me???? No let's let him sleep in puke all night.

I woke Peyton and showered him. This time I did blow chunks as it smelled really bad and he was plastered with it. I even had to dig it out of one ear. While I cleaned up the bathroom Mark let Peyton drink an entire bottle of water. Guess who puked in his bed 15 minutes later?

It was a lovely end to a stellar day. Luckily today was emesis free. Just complaints of ouchie tummies.

Now here is the questions:

• How the hell do you vomit in your sleep and never even wake up?
• Aside from a time when you were so hammered you passed out-have any of you ever done this?
• What is the best way to clean chunks of clothes and bedding before you wash it? In the summer I use the hose and power blast it off. Luckily for me Norm managed to gobble some of it off the laundry before I got to it.
• Is there anything that gets that rank smell out-once carpet cleaner has failed?

Help a sister out!!!

I feel pretty oh so pretty...

As most of you know the past few months have not exactly been a cake walk here at the love shack. There has been illness, drama, frustration and just plain craziness. Seriously without my friends (both real and cyber) and my family I don't know how I would have made it through this time. I feel like it is hopefully winding down. Amonte may be headed back to school soon and things are returning to their normal state of chaos. I have several of you that I want to thank:

Mary, Lisa and Amy: 3 sisters who have been amazingly faithful to both my blog and me personally. They recently sent Amonte a care package that totally made his day and mine. These girls are truly amazing friends, women and mothers.

witchypoo: I may be her cyber bitch but she takes good care of me. She is an awesome listener with a great sense of humor. Full of practical advice and I know her healing vibes have been so helpful in healing Amonte's ass.

Michelle: Who sent me the cutest freakin hello kitty easter book from Etsy. I adore it and can't wait to put easter pics in it. For her friendship and support. She has also started a cyber fat camp. Hopefully with her in my cornerI can loose some pudge. Be watching for that on what shall be know as fat camp Friday. I'm even going to take pics of my fat and post them.

Holly: For listening and friendship. For sending me a super cute purse. And inspiring me to create. I wish my craftiness could equal hers.

My coworkers at big medicine: I know I am prone to bitching about my work and the politics. I try not to do much of it here so I don't get Dooce-ed. But during these past months my boss and co-workers have been amazing. From bringing us meals, cleaning my house, doing my laundry, donating money and vacation time to help us financially. Seriously I'm not sure what I would have done without you.

My mom: For the metric ton of laundry she did and for rushing to the house x2 to watch the kids for er visits.

Jeannine: For listening and more laundry. For being the one person who I know "gets" me.

Andrea: For watching my kids for free so I could take Amonte to his various appts. For taking me to the er and staying all night. For your awesome friendship to me and my children.

All of my readers: I'm a comment whore what can I say. Your comments, support and friendship have made the past few months bearable. I can not thank you enough.

XOXO

Zoe

I have a wedgie

I have seriously had my panties in a wad all day. I did have a nice, happy, ray of sunshine post planned but I am so not in the mood. My mother always told me if I didn't have anything nice to say I should keep my mouth shut. But I feel like venting. Since my freaking kids don't listen to me I guess you'll have to.

• Does it not bother anyone else that our home is a total pigsty??? How do you just continue to live in this house and ignore it? Why is all the cleaning my responsibility? Have you people no shame?
• Amonte is still sleeping. He stayed up till 7 am. He has been ignoring his school work and trying to start bullshit between me and the sperm donor.
• I can't stand people that think just because they made the rules that the rules don't apply to them.
• I seriously need Nanny 911. My kids are out of control. They are making me totally insane. I feel like a referee in a cage match.
• I'm going to rip Norm's voice box out if he doesn't SHUT UP.
• I'm completely and totally broke.
• Again with the housework. The laundry is piled up, the sink is full of dishes and the trash is full. Nobody. Cares.
• I have a meeting at work tomorrow that I do not even want to begin to deal with.
• Why do I even bother to cook when nobody will eat it?
• How come it's never my day to sleep in?

See I told you I was on a mission today...and it's not even shark week. Can you imagine what I bitch about when it is. And before you going feeling sorry for my kids that they were stuck at home all day let me give you the run down on them:

• 2 poopy diapers
• 1 refusal to wipe own butt
• 3 baths
• bathroom flooded x 2
• snacks, snacks and more snacks
• screams of "I'm hungry" only to turn their noses up at dinner
• 1 lazy ass teenager snoring in my chair
• numerous time outs
• dog food all over the kitchen floor
• danimals all over the carpet
• 100 tattles
• 6 meltdowns
• 1 short nap
• a daughter covered head to toe in push up pop who then climbed in my bed
• teenagers socks in living room floor
• 2 searches for missing game boy
• stop breathing on me, stop looking at me
• poop humor all day long
• the new name to call is "ugly mutt"
• 1 pack of shredded diaper wipes
• 1 box of wheat thins newly opened dumped in the garbage can
• 1 girl covered in ink moments after bath
• transformer picked up from paint your own pottery last night now has broken arm
• 1 smashed lipstick
• whining. whining and more whining.

Do you want me to keep going? Or are you ready to drink yet. That sounds like a good idea. I have one tiny 6 oz bottle of wine left. I'm a light weight so that should do. Cheers.

Thank you-Come again!

On February 28th someone abandoned this beautiful baby girl in a cab in Queens, New York. The cab driver immediately took her to a firehouse which had been designated as a "safe have. Numerous states have adopted "safe haven" policies as a way to ensure that unwanted infants are left safely. In Michigan for example, you can leave a baby at a fire station, hospital or police station with no questions asked. If the baby is left safely and is unharmed criminal charges are not filed. In the Queens are there are approximately 450 places designated as "safe havens". I'm not sure which is more disturbing: that someone abandoned this beautiful baby in a cab or that Baby Safe Haven is actually working on a partnership with 7-11. Yes, the party store. This would allow people to leave their baby 24 hours a day with a 7-11 clerk. Have any of you ever seen the movie Clerks? Have any of you ever been in a 7-11? Do I need to say more?