A new me for the new year

I'm not one to make New Years resolutions. Mostly because I never keep them. But this year is going to be different. So here it is my list of awesomeness for 2008:

1. Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
2. Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
3. Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
4. Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
5. Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
6. Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
7. Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
8. Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
9. Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
10. Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
    
11. Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
12. Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
13. Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
14. Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
15. Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.

Wishing you a wonderful New Year. Get your camera phone ready...or if your not nice a really good pair of tweezers.

The Boss

Tonight:
Peyton: Mom, Can I PLEEEAAASSSEEE eat in the living room?
Me: Ah. No.
Peyton: But I'm 6!!! I'm almost a grown up!

Later:
Cade: You're not the boss of me Peyton.
Peyton: Yeah I am! I'm 6 dude.

Later:
Peyton: Mom, next year I'll be a mean grader. *sigh* Then I have to get a girlfriend and a job.

Ps: This pic was taken after the first "real" snowstorm of the year. Peyton was outside nearly all day. The next morning he came in the bathroom and sat on the floor with a big sigh and asked "Is winter over yet mom? I'm tired of the cold already". When I told him we still had a long way to go he went back to his bed and cried. I feel the same way...do you think he's too young to have him treated for seasonal affective disorder??? :)

Christmas score card

Shopping:

• Started holiday shopping early. 5 points
• Didn’t finish until Christmas Eve. However I got it all done before noon and avoided the crowds. Plus I feel generous today so I am keeping the five points I awarded my self earlier.
• Scored all of the “Major” gifts that each of the kids wanted.
• Peyton-Guitar Hero…Check. Ava-Play Kitchen…Check. Cade…Secret Mission Ice Bat Ugly doll and Leapster…Check and CheckAmonte-PSP and new cell phone…Check and Check.
• 20 points. Especially since Secret Mission Ice Bat was nearly mission impossible.

• Amonte’s PSP is back ordered and won’t be shipped till January 4. In my defense it was not on backorder when the order was placed in PLENTY of time. But that blows for Amonte -5 points

• Bought my own gifts. 2 to be exact. -5 points
  
• Spent substantially less on myself than I did on Mark. -5 points
  

Christmas Eve

• Up at the ass crack of dawn to finish shopping. 5 points

• Baked all afternoon which I do NOT enjoy for the most part. 5 points

• Cleaned house the rest of the afternoon for the arrival of FIL on Christmas morning 5 points

• Did not slap Mark who sat on the couch.all.day.and.did.nothing. 10 points

• Went to church as a family and made it on time. The kids were well behaved and had a great time singing and dancing to the music. Especially Ava who was totally adorable and continued to sing even when the music stopped. LOUDLY. 5 points

• Survived Christmas Eve at my mothers even though Mark was terribly grouchy from anchoring the couch to the floor all day and the kids were bouncing off the walls. 5 points

• Cried silently the whole way home because Mark was such an ass. -5 points
• 2 kinds of cookies for Santa and the Snowman. Carrots for the reindeer. The Night before Christmas read. Everyone tucked in snuggly warm. 5 points

• Stayed up till 2 am wrapping gifts and drinking wine This is a vast improvement from years past. 5 points

Christmas Day

• The kids slept in till 6:30!! This year they woke us up BEFORE they started opening presents. 5 points

• Took only a few pictures and enjoyed watching the kids. 5 points

• Not enough Batteries. -5 points

• Spent remainder of morning cooking huge family breakfast of everyone’s favs. 5 points

• Greeted father in law and his new girlfriend with all the fake warmness in my little heart. 5 points

• Did not KILL Norm or any of the “adults” who were in the living room while he ate Secret Mission Ice Bats ear off. Calmed hysterical, devastated Cade and fixed Ice Bat’s ear to nearly new. 10 points….cause I was REALLY pissed.

• Went to work for ½ a shift. Which was nice cause I worked with good friends. 5 points

• Met Mark and kids at my mom’s again. Did not ridicule Mark for dressing Ava like a circus freak even though I had specifically told him what to put on her. 5 points

• Enjoyed the evening with my family. Lovely to see my brother and his wife. Makes me so happy that my kids are thrilled with him and that they are back in Michigan. Can’t wait to meet their new baby on Jan.17. 5 points

• Came to the realization that my marriage is in such a state of ruin that it will never recover. Also came to realize that I don’t care any more. That I can’t care anymore. That my caring is killing me slowly. Painfully.

-All points previously earned.

Clothing Optional

Sunday on the way home from church Peyton asked "where are we going next?"
"No place" I replied.
"No place?"
"Nope, no place."
"Cool. We can stay home naked all day!"
To which Cade hollered "Yahoo!!!"

Here's hoping you had a very merry, naked Christmas.

Do these come in an XXL?

Public Service Announcement:

This is for your own good really. I know it may be difficult to accept. But you have a huge ass. Truly. It's time to come to terms with the fact. This means: throw away all of those pre-baby undies that you used to look hot in. The undies you pick up at Victoria's secret and think are huge? Well they fit you now. Don't buy a size smaller just because the size 2 sales girl is making you feel inadequate. You aren't doing yourself any favors. After wearing pre-baby or denial panties all day you will be left with lacerations to your inner thighs. Seriously. The kind that you may need a home nurse to perform wound care on.

How National City Stole Christmas

Every Tuesday I see my counselor. Bright and early, rain or shine. She makes me work hard even when I don't want to. Needless to say Tuesdays tend to not be the best day for me. After this weeks session she handed me a small folded piece of paper and told me to read it when I was alone and had time to contemplate.

This same day I called our former mortgage company to find out why funds from our escrow account and an overpayment had not been returned to us as stated 7 days after our closing. This was a large some of money that we were planning to use for Christmas. To make a loooooong story short: we aren't getting the money for 30 days past the close day. Which means January. Which means: NO. MONEY. FOR. CHRISTMAS.

I was devasted. Hysterical. In a very un-Christmas like spirit I told the customer service rep "have a merry Fucking Christmas" and hung up the phone. I cried all night worrying about what I would do for my kids...aside from the few meager presents I had bought and made. I literally made myself sick.

Wednesday I drug my butt out of bed, face swollen, eyes blood shot and headed to work. I sat in the parking lot with a heavy heart waiting for the shuttle and I saw it. The tiny piece of neatly folded paper.

I opened it and read:

And the Grinch, with his Grinch feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?

Can I just tell you what a total ass I felt like?

Reader overload

My google reader is out of control. I have been reading blogs for two straight days and I still have 320 items left. I will get caught up though...someday. So if you find comments 6 months from now..I really was thinking of you now. I don't have a word for today or a thought for that matter. I do however have a ton of wintery pictures to share. Tis the season. So enjoy...

Ava and Mrs. Clause picking their noses.

Peyton and Ava with Santa. Cade does NOT do Santa . Here he is modeling our lovely Advent wreath!

Six and one to grow on

Dear Peyton,

Saturday you turned six. It's only fitting that I am late posting this because you love to torture me with "are we late yet?" anytime we have to leave the house. Generally we are and you love to remind me.

Your mind never stops. You frequently tell me your "head hurts from thinking too much" or that you "couldn't sleep because you were thinking". You have an amazing thirst for knowledge. You love to sit in the bathroom while I get ready and ask me a million questions. At night you like to curl up on my bed and have "deep talk" with me. When I don't have the answers you say "Google it".

You love music. You hear a song once and you know nearly all the words. You can not color without singing. You can not poop with out singing...but that's ok...at least you don't have to get butt naked anymore!

You have a killer sense of humor and are quiet the show off. This and your good looks have made you the rock star of the K set.

You are sensitive and caring. You are strong and brave. You are growing up so fast. I hold the tiny hand print ornament that you made for Christmas just after your first birthday and I am filled with such a wide range of emotion: Sorrow, longing, pride, happiness and wonder. You are an amazing young man and I am so proud to be on this journey with you. As much as I love you being my little boy-I look forward to seeing the man you will become.

All the love in my heart. Forever,
Mommy

Very Nice

According to Amonte things are healing very well...down there. He has 2 follow up appts. still this month but things are looking "very nice". At least we can't smell him from across the room anymore...well not because of infection anyway. I mean he is a teenager. Now if I can just get him to do his school work.....

Get er done

I consider my self to be a feminist-to some degree. I am grateful for the freedoms that the feminist movement has given me. I love that I can vote, equal pay, I don't have to wear a bra (well I do personally..because..yikes) and I can work. But wait maybe I don't want to work. Maybe I want to be a SAHM. However the feminist movement pushed women into the workplace. Then it lied to us all. Men and women alike. "You can have it all!" No you can't. Nobody can truly have it all.

Family's where the mom stays home (or maybe even the dad) usually have to make great sacrifices to make that happen. Women who work outside of the home can not truly give 100% to both family and career. For example in the case of a sick child-some one loses.

I have to work. Quiet frankly there are times when I greatly resent that. As the women's job role in the work force and at home has continued to evolve the mans role really hasn't changed that much. Yes I know some of you are truly blessed with men who are equal partners and whose knuckles don't drag on the ground. But I think for a large majority of women we are still expected to do it all: kids, housework, cooking, finances, health and illness ect. ect. I work all day and when I come home I still have a house to run. I have to admit it is not running very smoothly. I'm failing miserably at all things domestic. I am too freaking tired and so overwhelmed I don't even know where to start.

Of course I also have a bad habit of comparing myself to other people. I wonder "how does she do it all?" Well of course, she doesn't. She has help from outside, maybe from her hubby, her family...a support system. I'm seriously lacking most all of those. So basically the feminist movement gave me some great things. But it also gave me two full time jobs. It fed me the lie that I could do it all. That I could have it all. I bought it. I took on the student loans to build that career. Now I'm trapped. Drowning in work and laundry. Never fully able to give all of myself to anything. Damn Gloria Steinem.

22 Months and Counting

For Her Majesty,

Today you are 22 months old. As hard as that is to believe-I see you changing from my sweet baby girl to an independent toddler right before my eyes. The "terrible two's" are moving in quickly. You have begun to assert your opinion...wordlessly...but we all know what you mean-what you want-and what you don't. You have everyone you come in contact with wrapped around your little finger and you know it.

I love you funny bunny. With all my heart,

Mommy

Christmas Meme

I got this from Denise's Blog:

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Change all the answers so that they apply to you then send it back to the person who sent it to you plus other friends and family too.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping Paper. Lots of it.
2. Real tree or artificial? Artificial. Seeing as I set real ones on fire.
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually not till after Peytons Birthday Dec15. This year we got it up early though.
4. When do you take the tree down? ASAP. It is way too big for my house.
5. Do you like eggnog? Not really...unless it has LOTS of rum.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A Walkman. You know one of those really big ones when they first came out.
7. Do you have a Nativity scene? Not yet.
8. Hardest person to buy for? Mark
9. Easiest person to buy for? Ava
10. Worst Christmas Gift you ever received? A giant Swatch Watch to hang on my wall...next to my Violent Femmes poster.
11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail. I just got notice they have been shipped. Yahoo.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Elf, Christmas Vacation, Christmas Story and The Family Stone
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have a chance.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, but not as a gift.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Canolli's, straight from New York.
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? CLEAR!
17. Favorite Christmas song? Baby it's cold outside, Santa Baby, and Silent Night
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Christmas Eve Party at mom's and then Christmas Day at home.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? None. Our freaking tree is too tall.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We open one present on Christmas Eve and our Christmas pajamas and then the rest Christmas morning.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The rude shoppers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!! Feel free to consider yourself tagged!

Kitchen Science

CAUTION: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. The following experiment was done in a controlled environment under the supervision of a professional.

Subject: Adorable. Nearly two. Known to have an attitude.

Environment: Cramped Kitchen.

Study Participants: Frustrated mother, antagonizing siblings, begging dog.

Procedure: Place subject into highchair while kicking and screaming. Provide her with glass of milk. Place bowel of Spaghettios (which antagonizing siblings have requested for nourishment) on tray. Turn back on subject.

Outcome: Sippy cup of milk thrown on floor in 2 seconds flat. Lips in pout position. One bite of Spaghettios placed in subjects mouth. Frustrated mother turn back. Loud thud followed by hysterical laughter and dog running from under high chair.

Conclusion: A bowel of Spaghettios tossed off a high chair at maximum velocity by subject will produce a splatter pattern of 10 feet high and approximately 5 feet wide. This will induce antagonizing siblings into fits of laughter which they are unable to recover from. Begging dog will have quick and easy meal. Subject will be satisfied.

Side note: Splatter not instantly cleaned will have to be scrubbed off at a later time. I do mean SCRUBBED.

Exit Only

Amonte came home from the hospital on Friday. It has been a hectic weekend with twice daily Iv antibiotics to be hung, scheduling nurses and daily wound care. I was hopeful that the wound would be looking somewhat better by now and not be quiet so painful but sadly that is not the case. Luckily the nurse that has been coming the past few days is very patient and has a great sense of humor about things. I feel it's important that Amonte be comfortable and able to maintain a sense of dignity...as much as possible in this situation. He seems to be coping fairly well by playing video games, myspace and inappropriate movies. I on the other hand am hanging by a thread. My house is a total pit. I'm behind on correspondence in all forms. I have no Christmas shopping done..or shopping for my Sister in Law's baby shower or Peyton's birthday both of which are Saturday. I plan to partake in some heavy retail therapy which will hopefully pull me together somewhat....Thanks so much to all of you for your kind words, support and prayers. You have been my duct tape.

Your ass smells like ass

Amonte has been on the wrestling team for the past two years. The first year I was extremely pregnant and worked every weekend. Anyone who has ever been to a wrestling meet knows that they last ALL day and are generally on Saturdays. Needless to say I missed several. However, at one meet I watched the entire team of pubescent boys and girls with questionable hygiene SHARE the same pair of nail clippers with out sanitizing them in between. After I had a grandmal seizure I called the school to bitch and promptly bought Amonte his own pair.

Last year Amonte got a new coach. You know one of those really short guys who was an all state wrestler and thinks he's a total bad ass. Amonte broke his hand shortly after the season began so luckily I only had to tell the coach off twice.

The thing about wrestling is that it is a dirty, homoerotic sport, where 1/2 naked boys and sometimes girls grope each other and share body fluids. They also share huge nasty cooties like MERSA, other forms of staph, ring worm and herpes viruses. MMMMMM. NICE.

Well Amonte's midget coach was allowing 2 teenage girls to clean the mats with the wrong type of cleanser no less. Several boys on the team contracted staph infections including Amonte. One had a form of respiratory MERSA and nearly died.

This is why tonight I am blogging from Amonte's hospital room. For the past few months he has been battling huge, nasty abscesses on his hind end. The current one is so bad that he will be going to surgery tomorrow. I love this kid with all my heart but I have seen his ass more than Mark's lately. Thanks coach.

Christmas Secrets

Melinda tagged me for 7 random things about me. I would think that after my last tag everyone on the cyber planet would be tired of hearing about me...but apparently i am just that good. So here you have it 7 random things moi and Christmas:

1. The first Christmas Mark and I were married he kept joking that he was getting me rocks. Well he did. Beautiful princess cut diamond earrings. I was shocked. It was the best present ever.
2. One year my aunt got me a HUGE red swatch watch to hang on my pink walls. Mind you at this time I was a skater chick and a giant swatch watch so did not go with the Violent Femmes posters.
3. When I was in elementary school my mom and I went to a department store to buy me a dress for a school function. There were 2 that i really wanted but we could only afford one. On Christmas day I unwrapped a box from that very department store. I just knew it was the dress and I said so. It was socks and underwear. To this day I feel horrible about how that must have hurt my mom. She probably doesn't even remember...you know I don't think former hippies have good long term memory!
4. I set a Christmas tree on fire one year because I NEVER watered it a single time.
5. One year I got so pissed trying to get the lights off the tree that I threw the tree out with the lights on it. We now have a prelit tree :0
6. I give to every bell ringer I see. Even if I just gave at the last store. I feel guilty if I don't.
7. I always peek.

Marisa I am tagging you and only you since you swear you have never been tagged!

To: You From :Us

Tis’ the season. It has begun. The Christmas cards and letters are pouring in. I love to get the cards and look at the photos. But the Christmas letters always make me feel like my family is somehow inept, flawed, unworthy. They are filled with a years worth of blessings, happiness, brag worthy events. They fail to mention things like “Junior is in rehab” or “Little Timmy has taken to torturing small animals” and by the way “Susie is knocked up and we don’t know who the baby daddy is”. I personally have no difficulty exposing my family for what we really are. Dysfunctional in a fun way…not a funny way. So this year I am writing my own Christmas letter and I’m not prettying it up. Just for you dear readers, you get the first peak:

Dearest Family and Friends,

For many years we have been overjoyed to receive your annual Christmas letters. This year we decided to try our hand at it and share some highlights from the past 365 days.

We’ll start with Mark seeing as he is the “man” of the family. Mark narrowly escaped being laid off from his job. Which really sucked for me seeing as if he did get the axe we were finally going to move from the hell that is Michigan. He is working as a bouncer on the weekends and I think he may have a girlfriend there. That’s cool as long as he doesn’t spend any money on her. He recently got busted for watching a $150 worth of On Demand Porn. Did I mention we have been separated twice this year and our sex life is nonexistent?

Amonte is a freshmore this year. This is due to the fact he has to repeat 2 freshman classes. Obviously my dreams of a Harvard education have been squashed. He is a month away from being 16 and getting his drivers license. He also FINALLY has a girlfriend. Drivers license, car access, new girlfriend…no doubt he will be loosing his virginity soon.

Peyton has become quiet the ladies man. Apparently all of the K set is lusting after him. He wants to be a rock star when he grows up and have 17 kids and 81 dogs. We are hopeful all 17 will be with one woman. He’s bummed that he hasn’t lost any teeth yet. Cade has offered to knock them out for him.

Cade is really developing a mouth any sailor would be proud of. His current favorite name call is “fucker ass”. He loves the way antibacterial soap tastes when it’s being poured into his mouth. He has really gotten the hang of using scissors and recently cut up my calendar, some bills and his brother’s art work.

Ava. Well what can I say…she doesn’t say much. She does however have a fondness for eating dog food and Beggin Strips. Nothing says snack time like dog treats pressed into bacon strips.

Sybil is still a raging bitch who demands to drink only from the bathroom sink. She takes great joy in tormenting the dog when he is in his crate and has even gone as far as to pee all over his bed.

Trixie. Clueless. Totally clueless. Half the time we don’t even know she exists…until a giant tumbleweed of grey cat hair goes rolling across the kitchen. No I still haven’t gotten a housekeeper.

Then there is Norm. Norm is a beagle mix who adopted us this summer. You have to seriously wonder about anything who would willingly join our family. Obviously the dog has issues. Big ones….besides eating his own feces.

Finally myself. I have gotten progressively crazier. My antidepressants have been increased and I’m now on meds for anxiety. I hardly sleep and you should see how huge my ass has gotten. All I can say is thank god for retail therapy.

Don’t you wish you were here?

Warmest wishes,

Zoe, Mark and Kids

She blinded me with...

Dear Delivery Truck Driver Headed East on Page Ave at 8:30am,
Let me just say that I know what it's like to have a rank cup of coffee or old Coke hanging out in your cup holder. I feel you pain dude. Have you noticed a lot of drive throughs have garbage cans? So do most gas stations and pretty much anyplace else. Also have you ever considered actually stopping your truck to toss out your putrid drink? Like maybe at a stop light? That would be the preferred method. Because ya see I really didn't enjoy having your foul fluid tossed on my car as I drove past you on my way to work. Can I just tell you that had my window been open even a smidgen I would have followed you. Drug you out of your truck and flashed you. Thus rendering you temporarily blind and in need of counseling.
XOXO
Zoe

Go elf yourself. Literally. Not the game.

I may have mentioned this before but because I have a tendency to be redundant I am going to mention it again. Mark’s family has a yearly Christmas get together. It is by far not the highlight of my holiday season. This year however I am desperately seeking an excuse to not have to drag my family 60 miles to…get this…sit in Marks aunts’ garage. Yep. Her garage. When she called with the date and time she casually dropped this “Oh, make sure the kids dress warm and in clothes you don’t mind getting dirty since we will be in the garage”. The garage? Are you freaking kidding me? We live in cold, icy, frigid Michigan. Plus doesn't everyone know the only reason I would take my kids to a party is to show off how nicely they clean up? Trying to get out of your own personal holiday mosh pit? Check out the holiday party excuse generator. You can make your excuses silly, polite or down right evil. Make sure to keep an eye on the snowman inside the globe...careful he tries to use his carrot as a weapon!