Thursday, October 2, 2008

Back in the Saddle

Nearly six months ago the carefully crafted network of thin strings that had lovingly held me together began to fray. First slowly, they loosened and slacked. Then with amazing speed they meticulously destroyed the blueprint of my sanity.

I stopped sleeping. Instead I crept out of bed at night and drove dark country roads. The windows down and music blaring. Thoughts in my head whirling.

Food was no longer necessary or pleasant. I blamed it on my meds. Really, there was simply no life to feed. I began to weigh myself 5 times a day.

I pulled my hair out strand by strand until I had a dime sized bald spot. I took ice cold showers. I watched myself bleed. But yet I felt no pain.

I'm not sure I even recognized it was happening. Of course I felt a thread go every now and again. But somehow I remained oblivious to the fact that I was rapidly coming undone. Until I couldn't breathe. It's strange how strong and undeniable the urge to breathe is. The air around me felt heavy and wet-constantly. I struggled to catch it's life and fill my lungs.

I have had to look hard at myself. I have not liked all that I have seen. I have had to weave my thread bare strings together-to make them stronger. With each new day I breathe a little easier. I love myself a little more. Slowly, I am finding peace.


  1. Oh Zoe, I am so happy to hear from you. I'm so sorry you've had a terrible 6 months. I hope you are growing happier and stronger each day. You are a wonderful person and I hope you are finally seeing that.

    With much love,

  2. I've been thinking about you lately and wondering what's been going on. Sorry things have been so there anything I can do to help at all?

  3. Oh Zoe! You wouldn't believe how Happy I was that you finally posted again. I missed you Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. You let me know if you ever need to talk. I too have been through some pretty difficult things in my life and am a very good listener! Let me know!

    Anyhow, I am so glad that you are back and I hope that things get better for you!

    We all love our Zoe and have missed you so much!

  4. zoe! it's so good to hear from you again. i hope that things are finally turning around for you. we have all missed ya!

  5. so glad you posted here.
    i know there were lots of worried people.

    keep plugging along girl.


  6. Zoe!
    It's good to have you back :)
    I'm sorry you had such a hard time these past months. I hope that every day finds you a little bit better!
    Hang in there!

  7. {{hugs}} You know where I am.

  8. Oh, Zoe. I've been so worried about you. I really hope that you are doing better. Please know that I am here for you. Whatever you need...


  9. Oh Zoe, you've been missed!

    I hope things really are coming together for you; that your strings are becoming stronger not to be broken, that you continue to breathe easier, and that that peace wells up within you more and more until it's all you know.

  10. I'm glad to see you back! I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time I'm glad you're weaving those strings back. I hope they strengthen day by day.

  11. Zoe,

    Yes, I've been thinking about you and missed you and your Blogs.

    But, please believe me when I tell you just how much I can relate to what you're going through. It can be scary. And especially hard to explain to others.

    I hope things are under some kind of control and that you find the right meds and support to get better.

    If you ever need to talk about anything or need someone's support who has been there...let me know. I am a great listener and will help you in any way I can.

    Please take care if I don't hear from you,

  12. I've been wondering about you lately, and I'm kicking myself for thinking of trying to get in touch with you and see how you're doing and not actually following through. I'm so sorry to hear things have been spiraling out of control for you. If you ever need anything, and I'm serious... do not hesitate to call or email or hell, stop over!

  13. You have surely been missed! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

  14. I am so sorry you've been struggling. I've been there. Nice to see you back. Take care of yourself.

  15. I've been so worried boutchoo, sis.
    I also know what it's like to turn turtle when you're hurting. Keep it out here, darlin, you have a whole lot of lovin on you.

  16. So glad to see you back blogging! I've missed you.

  17. Zoe, I have been thinking about you. I am sorry to hear things are crazy right now. I should apologize for not getting a hold of you. I feel terrible. Keep us all posted. I hope things are getting better. ((hugs))

    I know everyone's busy, but we could always meet for a drink.

  18. I'm so glad to see you back but I hate to hear of all you have been going through. It sounds like you are on the right path again though. Take care of you!!!

  19. I'm so glad to see you back but I hate to hear of all you have been going through. It sounds like you are on the right path again though. Take care of you!!!

  20. Hey Zoe, Im glad to see that you are trying to get back into things. I hope things go smoothly for you. If you need to get out for a night, let us know. Ive been meaning to make a date for some 'ritas. Sound good to you?? :)

  21. Zoe,

    So sorry to hear of this tough time you are going through. You have lots and lots of support. I will keep you in my thoughts!

  22. Zoe good to have you back!
    Hope things have gotten better for you.


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