So, last year I set my goals pretty high for the new year. I was successful at a few...
- Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
- Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
- Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
- Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
- Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
- Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
- Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
- Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
- Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
- Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
- Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
- Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
- Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
- Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
- Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.
These are brilliant- wish I had thought of them first!
ReplyDeleteHow about passing on resolutions this year and then surprising yourself with all the unexpected successes? ;)
ReplyDeleteGoodness your popular! Love the list, this is sooo you. Amonte is such a chip off the block it isn't even funny. You two should do stand up comedy!
ReplyDeleteHA! Love it! I can think of a few people to cast a nipple hair spell on...
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year.
I've been missing your Blogs as always and so I was thrilled to LMAO when I saw this one!! ;P
ReplyDeleteHappy I could help with #2. LOL!!
Think I can agree with #9, #11, #14 & #15.
DEFINITELY agree with you on #10!! ;P
Hope your New Year rocked!! ;)
~xoxo~
I had to Google "frenulectomies" and I'm still not sure what they are.
ReplyDeleteWow....it's going to be a mother to top that list!
ReplyDeleteYou are SO much more ambitious than I am.. seriously. :)
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh-this post is so funny it should have a surgeon generals warning that it could cause a myocardialinfarction.
ReplyDeleteSeriously-#4 made me spray my drink out my nose onto the screen. Might be useful around these parts too!
Happy New Year!
Hilarious, as always! I love your letters to the boys. So sweet.
ReplyDeleteI remember this last year and thought it was hilarious! Great list! Looking forward to a new one!
ReplyDeletePS- I am adding you to my blogroll!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE IT!!!! Especially #6, #6 AND #8. oH, AND THE REST OF THEM. haha
ReplyDeleteI may have to think about 11.
ReplyDeleteAwe crap.... the nipple hair I acquired in 2008 was because you cast a spell on me? Dammit!
ReplyDelete