Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Success in 2008

So, last year I set my goals pretty high for the new year. I was successful at a few...

  1. Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
  2. Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
  3. Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
  4. Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
  5. Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
  6. Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
  7. Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
  8. Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
  9. Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
  10. Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
  11. Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
  12. Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
  13. Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
  14. Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
  15. Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.
Of course I am not going to tell you which ones. *Sigh* Now what to do this year?


  1. These are brilliant- wish I had thought of them first!

  2. How about passing on resolutions this year and then surprising yourself with all the unexpected successes? ;)

  3. Goodness your popular! Love the list, this is sooo you. Amonte is such a chip off the block it isn't even funny. You two should do stand up comedy!

  4. HA! Love it! I can think of a few people to cast a nipple hair spell on...

    Happy New Year.

  5. I've been missing your Blogs as always and so I was thrilled to LMAO when I saw this one!! ;P

    Happy I could help with #2. LOL!!
    Think I can agree with #9, #11, #14 & #15.
    DEFINITELY agree with you on #10!! ;P

    Hope your New Year rocked!! ;)

  6. I had to Google "frenulectomies" and I'm still not sure what they are.

  7. Wow....it's going to be a mother to top that list!

  8. You are SO much more ambitious than I am.. seriously. :)

  9. Oh my gosh-this post is so funny it should have a surgeon generals warning that it could cause a myocardialinfarction.

    Seriously-#4 made me spray my drink out my nose onto the screen. Might be useful around these parts too!

    Happy New Year!

  10. Hilarious, as always! I love your letters to the boys. So sweet.

  11. I remember this last year and thought it was hilarious! Great list! Looking forward to a new one!

  12. I LOVE IT!!!! Especially #6, #6 AND #8. oH, AND THE REST OF THEM. haha

  13. I may have to think about 11.

  14. Awe crap.... the nipple hair I acquired in 2008 was because you cast a spell on me? Dammit!


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