Away in the manger

The Christmas decorations are up. Well not at my house but at others. I do not decorate outside for the simple fact that it is colder than a witches tit in a brass bra (I have heard that is really damn cold). If that makes me the Grinch so freakin' be it. But I do drive the darlings around to look at other peoples crap...ahh..I mean decorations. Tonight on the way home from a school function we passed a house with a GIANT plastic manger in their front yard.

Peyton: HOLY SHIT! IT'S BABY JESUS! STOP THE CAR MOM SO WE CAN GET OUT AND SEE HIM!!!!

Cade: AWWWW. Peyton said a bad word! If baby Jesus heard you he'll tell God to tell Santa not to bring you any presents! Can we go look at baby Jesus mom????

No. We did not stop. Yes. The language was dealt with. No. I have no clue where he could have heard such a thing. No. I don't think they realized that wasn't the real baby Jesus...seeing as Cade wanted to take him another blanket.

A comment on comments

I have said it before and I will say it again. I am a comment whore. I love them. Need them. Want them. As my dotcomrade Driving with the brakes on put it "blogger's validation is better than crack". Uh...at least we think so.

That being said I know I have some lurkers (Hey Wicker, CoCo, Mom!!!!!). Leave a comment you freaks.

Also, I make every attempt to comment directly to your comments. If you aren't on blogger, or your profile does not show your email I can not respond to you directly. I try to respond in my comments but for some reason I am just not good about commenting on my comments. Does that make any sense? Feel free to send me your e-mail if you would like and I will reply to you directly. Otherwise Know that I read and love all your thoughts.

Except for the ones that smell like the chicken breasts that got lost under my seat in the middle of the summer for a week. You suck. If you continue to send me e-mails questioning my faith (because I swear, love gays and am pro choice) and telling me I'm a suck ass parent...Know this. I will post your hate mail on my blog for the world to see with your address. I will then send you every piece of junk e-mail and chain letters that I get everyday for the rest of your miserable life. If that is not scary enough...I will hand deliver my little terrorists right to your front door and leave them with you for an entire day. That should be enough to make you re-examine your holier than though, narrow minded, ignorant, rotten chicken point of view. Or at least make you stop sharing it with me.

Ok, now to do the deep breathing witchypoo taught me. Feelin' the love now.

Lovin' ya all! Except one pious dickhead.

XOXO

Zoe

If a cat craps in the woods.....

Can I just give you an idea of the shit I am dealing with here at the love shack?

Sunday.

I asked Mark to vacuum and then he ran to the store for me. No biggie. No complaining. Task completed.

On his way out the door to work he asks " Are you going to Target today?" to which I respond "Hell no, these kids are psychos I'm not taking them anywhere" in a ever so sweet voice. Mark: "Oh we need cat litter" and he leaves for work.

An hour later I go to the back of the shack to find the closet where the cats do their thing closed. The cats are pacing back and forth and getting bitchy. I open the closet to find the cat litter box tipped upside down. Odd huh? So I flip it over and......it's....are you ready...totally freaking empty. Are you kidding me?????

Luckily for me my friend CoCo was on her way over and she nabbed me a bag of litter. Thus saving my cats from a certain death if I had to clean up piss.

Mark came home from work with...guess what...NO cat litter. When I sweetly mentioned the fact that the cats had NOTHING to defecate in he tersely responded "I told you we needed litter."

Am I crazy but telling me nonchalantly that "oh we need litter" and ""hey the litter box is bare ass empty" are two different things. NO?

Ho's beware

Recently in the car Cade was singing along with the radio and I hear:

Cade: "It's too late to call your john!"

Me: Nearly spitting my last precious swallow of Coke all over the dashboard "Uh Cade I think he is singing-it's too late to apologize."

Cade: "No him not. Listen. It's too late to call your john!"

Amonte: "He's your son."

They really should clean those lyrics up and do you know anyone who makes smug grin remover for teenagers? I'll take a case.

and finally

For my third and final installment: I will reach a grand total of 28 random things. 42 is simply way out of my reach.

TMI about the family unit:

1. When my brother was little I convinced him that my mom had found him in the gutters of New York City. I called him gutter baby and he believed me.
2. My mom is an amazing cook. Part of me is resentful that she never taught me and another part of me is thankful-now nobody will expect me to cook Thanksgiving dinner.
3. My mom, grandmother and uncles have never been on time for anything in their entire lives. EVER.
4. My grandmother is a hoarder. It is horrible. It scares me so much that I save nothing.
5. My brother is an engineer with a degree from U of M. He spells phone-fone. If he doesn't use spell check I can't read his e-mail.
6. My mom and step dad were married for about 12 years before my step brother would say more than 2 words to me with out becoming beat red. He was 10 when I had Amonte. Amonte was 10 when I had Peyton.
7. My mom used to be a trucker.
   

Part 2

Ok. Now to continue my tag, I don't think I will reach 42 but here goes.

TMI about my offspring:

1. When Ava is really tired she pulls her eyelashes out. I'm terrified she has trichatolamania.
2. Cade calls his boobs "man cans". He insists that one has juice and one has milk. He has a baby doll that he nurses.
3. Cade also has a freakishly long tongue. In fact he can lick his man cans.
4. When Peyton first potty trained he had to be butt ass naked to poop. It didn't matter where we were. It all had to come off. He was also obsessed with Harry Potter at this time. We were shopping at Target and he was following me around in full Harry Potter gear. He had to poop but I wouldn't take him unless he agreed to stay clothed...which he wouldn't. "MOOOOOOOM. Why won't you take me to the potttttyyyyy?" Finally irritated I snapped "Do you think Harry Potter gets butt naked to poop?" To which he responded loudly "UH HUH! Harry Potter does get naked to poop! It's in the 3rd movie and we don't have that one!" Having not seen that one how could I argue? I took him to the potty where he got naked and did his thing.
5. When Peyton was a toddler he loved to wear socks on his hands. All the time. He also loved to wear a pair of rubber rain boots all summer long. By the end of the summer they smelled like ass. Real stinky ass.
6. When Amonte was in the 3rd grade he complained that his butt hurt. Of course he didn't want me to look but he kept complaining and he couldn't even sit down. Finally Mark and I wrestled him to the ground and pulled his pants off. It was summer and we lived in a row of townhouses. The windows were open and he was SCREAMING "Get off me! Get out of my butt!" He had shingles. I was glad we looked.
7. All of my kids are convinced that I can untie their belly buttons.
   

TMI about MOI

Ok. I have been tagged by: Mary, Michelle, Jenny, Denise, Anne and Melissa for the 7 random things about me. Does this mean I have to do 42 things? I'm really not that creative or witty. Or interesting for that matter. Hmm. I think I'll break some of this up.

14 Things about me:

1. I have an extremely sensitive gag reflex. Brushing my teeth can make me puke. Coughing=puke. Bad smells (like the ones Norm is emitting right now) cause me to gag and then puke.
2. I suffer from motion sickness. I can not stand things that go round and round. I can't even watch them. I also can not ride in the back of a van or bus.
3. One time a guy I was dating took Amonte and I to the Cleveland zoo. It was ungodly hot and I had on a sun dress and a very skimpy thong. We went into the petting zoo. A goat ripped my undies off and ate them. He did not complete this task subtly either.
4. I am addicted to Coke. The drink. Otherwise I would be skinny. If I haven't had my coke by 10 am you'd better stay the hell away from me.
5. I love to watch people. I also like to talk about the people I watch.
   
6. I have food rules which can not be violated.
7. I never leave the house without mascara on.
8. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and I have never seen or spoken to my father since.
9. I am compulsive and impulsive. I am driven to do certain things as if by motor (shopping for example). I rarely think things through. I leap before I look. This has not always served me well.
10. I am obsessive. About stupid trivial things.
11. I am indecisive. I will obsess over a decision but never really make one until forced to do so.
12. I have no clue what my real hair color is. I have been dying it since the 6th grade.
13. I was voted most eccentric in high school.
14. I love the rain. It does not depress me. It could rain everyday. When I was little I remember desperately trying to hear the rain over the laughter and music in the house. All I wanted was the rain.

I think I am the last person in cyber space to be tagged with this. OMG! It is junior high gym class all over again!

I'm it

The darling witchypoo tagged me with this little cutie and I am happy to oblige.

(X) Been to Canada-Certainly, since they are my neighbor.

(x ) Been to Mexico - Yes. Twice. Once on a cruise and then on my honeymoon. Word of advice: don't eat from road side stands.

(x ) Been to Florida - Yeah. It's freakin hot as hell there. Snakes. Jellyfish. Bad hair days.

(X) Been on a plane - Yes. But I don't really care to fly.

(X) Been lost - Yeah. Poor sense of direction.

(X) Been on the opposite side of the country - Uh huh. I was born in Oregon. Grew up in Pa then moved to good old Michigan.

(X) Swam in the ocean - Pacific, Atlantic, and the Caribbean

(X) Cried yourself to sleep - Just recently.

(X) Played cops and robbers - Yep. Always the robber.

(X) Played with a Tonka Truck - Yes. I have 3 boys.

(X) Recently colored with crayons - Today.

( ) Sang karaoke - Dear lord no.

( x) Paid for a meal with only coins - Yeah. Just recently on that one too.

(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? - Yes, too many times to count.

(X) Made prank phone calls - HA. This was a favorite pastime for myself and the neighbor girl. Damn caller ID and *69.

(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue - Yes, I hope it wasn't toxic.

(X) Danced in the rain - Of course.

(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus - Yes. I think I got jipped that year.

() Been kissed under the mistletoe - Not that I can recall.

(X) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about - Yes, well someone I cared about momentarily.

(X) Blown bubbles - Absolutely. We have a bubble gun.

() Made a bonfire on the beach - Sadly no.

(X) Crashed a party - Yes. But I made out with the host so it was all good.

( ) Crashed a wedding-Not yet.

( ) Crashed a funeral - No, but that is a thought.

(X) Gone ice-skating - Yes. I hated it. Can you say COLD.

1. Any nicknames? Zooooe

3. Favorite drink? Coke a Cola

4. Any tattoos? X2

5 Body piercing? Ears only. I did have my belly button pierced but I took it out when I got fat.

6. How much do you love your job? Mmmmm.

7. Favorite vacation spot? Grand Haven, Michigan realistically. Although I would much prefer Paris.

8. Ever been to Africa? No. But I plan to someday on medical missions.

9. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Just the other night. Chips a Hoy.

10. Ever been on TV? Nope.

11. Ever steal any traffic signs? No. But I have stolen the giant orange traffic barrels with the blinking lights to decorate some ones yard.

12. Ever been in a car accident? Yes. Caused a few too.

13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4.

14. Favorite pie? I prefer cake.

15. Favorite Number? 3

16. Favorite movie? I have lots. Today it is Little Miss Sunshine.

17. Favorite holiday? Halloween

18. Favorite dessert? Chocolate cake. *slobbering*

19. Favorite food? Pasta. Any pasta really.

20. Favorite day of the week? Sunday. I have no clue why though.

21. Favorite brand of body wash? Canus Little Goats Milk

22. Favorite toothpaste? What ever is on sale.

23. Favorite smell? Rain.

24. What do you do to relax? Read.

25. Do you have a message to your friends reading this? I have friends????

26. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Never thought of it. I'm terrible at thinking ahead.

27. Furthest place you will send this message? Isn't cyber space far enough?

28. Who will respond the fastest? Whoever has a slow workday on Monday.

I’m tagging: Any one who would like to follow along!

Missing in action

Hello Blogger world. By chance have any of you seen Cade's shoes? They were last spotted in the kitchen at around 7 pm while I was putting away $400 worth of groceries with my darling helpers. I do recall telling Cade ever so politely to please remove them from the kitchen and put them where they belong. However, they are not in the closet. Or under the couch, chair or beds. They are not in any of the bedrooms. They are not in the kitchen, bathroom or laundry room. Cade wore his winter boots to school today. He didn't mind. Would any of my lovely blogger buddies like to take my darling boy to purchase a new pair of shoes this evening? He will be ready and waiting on the porch for you. Thanks ever so much.

Who am I???

I am sadly behind on my blog reading. I will be catching up tonight. I also know I have been TAGGED! FINALLY! And those will also be done tonight as will the word and TFT....seeing as on Turkey day I will most likely be too hammered to type a single word...much less have a thought. I'm off to go shopping with the darling Ava for the perfect outfit for her to wear on Thanksgiving. God I love having a daughter. In the main time I leave you with this....

• Why? Oh Why? Is Cade calling ME Boston Mannor? When I ask him he laughs hysterically. When I ask Peyton he laughs hysterically. When I ask Ava she just looks at me. When I ask Amonte he says "who knows, he is wierd". When I ask Mark he says "huh?" without even looking away from the tv. Any clue? Even a tiny one?

Every grey hair has a reason

Things that actually came out of my mouth tonight:

• DON'T stick that in your butt!
• WHO pee'd on this?
• WHY is there toothpaste all over the bathroom?
• WHY is there honey mustard all over the dog?
• WHO put my underwear in the toilet?
• WHY are there stickers all over your sisters back?
• FOR GOD SAKE keep your tongue to yourself.
• Spitting IS NOT a sport.
• YES you have to wear underwear to school.
• NO I did not fart.
• NO farting is not a sport.
• Hitting your brother but NOT calling him a name does NOT mean you are being nice.
• Giving you brother 1/2 of your eaten chicken nugget is NOT sharing.
• YES, I think Spongebob does wear underwear.
• WE DO NOT EAT OUT OF THE GARBAGE CAN.

Mind you, I got out of work late. All of this was in a 2 and 1/2 hour period.

Through the looking glass

Highlights of weekend fun and games.

Things the boys fought over:

• Can monsters with little arms open doors?
• Would dinosaurs make good pets? (They both agreed that they would-except not dinosaurs with little arms because you would always have to open the doors for them).
• Who took a bath first, went to bed first, brushed their teeth first.
• Who would be 7 first. The whole birth order thing doesn't seem to matter.
• Who scribbles and who colors.

Best tattle:

• By Peyton (of course) "MOOOOOMMMM! Cade keeps saying FACE at me!" Me" Um Peyton, that's not a bad word." Peyton "DUH! I KNOW THAT BUT HE IS BUGGING ME."

Best injury:

• Peyton got in a fight with a rocking chair and lost. Slight contusion under right eye.

Craft project run amock:

• Hand print turkeys for the kids and the 2 little ones I was babysitting on Saturday. I think my table is ruined. Clothes certainly were. Tears and paint flinging were involved. Googly glue on eyes will eventually pass in the stool....won't they?

Best car conversation:

• Cade"I'm not going to say a peep the whole way to church. I'm going to be really quiet. Because my tummy is screaming -I want cake! I want cake! And if I open my mouth that is all that will come out." 30 seconds later "Will there be cake at the party later?" 10 seconds later "Will it be chocolate cake?" 30 seconds later when Amonte and I were laughing at a man wearing his dog as a scarf "MOOOOOMMM! BE QUIET! I NEED PEACE AND QUIET ALREADY!"

All things Norm:

• Brought home by the neighbor x 3.
• Devoured 2 bones purchased on Friday before Sunday am.
• New stuff toy demolished in exactly 10 minutes.

Things accomplished:

• Not a single, solitary freaking one.

Number of Tylenol consumed:

• 16

AHHHH. The work week.

Bite me

You may have noticed that I skipped a day...or maybe you didn't. Anyway. I have been trying my damnedest to keep up with this whole daily blogging Naplo???? *whatever it is called* and I have done a pretty swell job. With the exception of the night that I was in a cold medicine induced coma I have been chugging right along. even when I had nothing to say and had to wait an hour for my old broke ass computer to boot up...I still blogged my little heart out. But yet, I have not been able to add my site to their web roll. Why you might ask? Because despite my attempts to do on numerous occasions and on 3 separate computers...every time I click on web log it crashes my computer...or my friends. So ya know what? Last night when I was so tired and I was already in bed snuggling the adorable Ava...I stayed there. My daily run is over.

Cyber Porn

Peyton loves to use my camera to take pictures. I'm cool with it as long as he is careful and sometimes he gets some interesting shots. Tonight I was sitting on the couch nursing Ava and he hollers "Wait!!! Let me get the camera and take a picture of your boobs so we can put them on My Space!". What exactly was Amonte looking at? Hmmm....

Fire! Fire!

I'm so glad that I am able to entrust the care of my children to "professionals" and family. Lets take yesterday for an example of the stellar care my boys are getting:

I arrived at childcare to get Cade and found a note taped in his locker. It read :Dear Mrs. Carpenter, Cade complained all days that his eyes were burning and he was crying at nap time. First I hate being called Mrs. Carpenter. Second, did ya think to call me? When I walk in the class I know instantly why his eyes are burning. His face is beat red and he was burning up. At home his temp read 102 axillary (under the arm people). Huh. My eyes burn to when I'm on FIRE.

Peyton hates to go to childcare, especially after school. He does not like to ride the pig bus and wants to ride the zebra bus home (as you recall he made that decision his self a week ago). Since Amonte is nearly 16 and is done with cross country we agreed he would get Peyton off the bus on school days and I would pay him what I pay childcare. I mean seriously...get him off the big yellow bus, that drives right pass the house and plop him on noodle net until I get home...maybe throw him a little snack? How bad can ya fuck that up? Yeah, pretty bad. He did NOT get Peyton off the bus. He was on the toilet when the bus went by. The back door was locked so Peyton had to beat on it to get Amonte to finally get his ass off the computer (never mind that he lost all computer privileges weeks ago). Then he wouldn't let Peyton play noodle net as promised because as Peyton so lovingly tattled "he was on My Face looking at girls with big boobs"-NICE. Peyton ate 1/2 a bag of mini marshmallows for snack and fell asleep on the couch. The dog did not get fed because quote "I was too busy watching Peyton". The mail did not get brought in because "he didn't know if the new mail box was ours". No, I am not kidding.

Maybe I should train darling Norm to guard the kids. He may be my best option.

Things that make ya go huh??

• If you are in the hospital telling someone your pneumonia was so bad if you would have waited one more day you would have "died" should you be going outside to smoke?
• How do two FUGLY ass people make an adorable, perfect, angelic looking child? Ah and NO I am not speaking of Mark and I so stop it right now!
• I watched you put two dollars of gas in your car which is about to be parts in an auto salvage yard, go buy smokes-and then come out and turn on a kick ass sound system. Where did ya get those spinners?
• Your 40 and you work at Burger King-not as a manger-and your acting like I'm a dumb ass cause you screwed up my order-again. This is my problem how? *No offense fast food workers. I generally like you. I mean you do feed my offspring on a regular basis*

Better get Norm an orange sweater

*Whisper* Today is opening day in haystack Michigan. I'm blogging sitting on the floor in the dark for fear some crazed deer killer may think the reflection in the window is deer eyes. I'm terrified to drive down country roads for fear of stray bullets. The buck pole is up and on the radio. *Fetal position-sucking thumb* If Norm gets loose in the next week it is all over for him. All over. I wonder if they would hang him on the buck pole? Would they win a prize?

Super freaks...or super stars??? You decide!

In case you guys didn't already know: my two youngest boys are super stars. Plain and simple. They are hot stuff, like their momma.

Peyton is the new face of Nicole Barczak Photography.

If that wasn't enough to just make me truly the proudest mother on earth already: yesterday when I picked up Cade one of the childcare workers said "go look on the bathroom wall". My first though was-dear god what has he done now??? She assured me it was good...and it was! There are 3 pictures of Cade showing step by step how to wash and dry your hands! He is the poster boy for post potty hygiene *wiping away a tear*.

Peyton says it's because Cade is the best hand washer in childcare. I thought that was a pretty nice thing for him to say. I have seen Cade wash his hands and I do believe he should be a surgeon...or maybe he'll have OCD and be a germophobe. Either way-soooo proud.

The truth about turkey

Yesterday Peyton made a charming bracelet at school to tell the tale of the first Thanksgiving. He told the story so well and was only slightly embarrassed when he continued to call the Indians “aliens”. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the pilgrims brought a scourge of smallpox to the Indians and committed other horrible crimes in the name of religion.

Thanksgiving is full of embarrassing facts. The Pilgrims did not introduce the Native Americans to the tradition; Eastern Indians had observed autumnal harvest celebrations for centuries. Our modern celebrations date back only to 1863; not until the 1890s did the Pilgrims get included in the tradition; no one even called them "Pilgrims" until the 1870s.

Plymouth Rock achieved status only in the nineteenth century, when some enterprising residents of the town moved it down to the water so its significance as the "holy soil" the Pilgrims first touched might seem more plausible.

The most striking reality surrounding the Pilgrims is that the Eastern coastline of America had been in contact with foreigners for about 100 years before the establishment of the Plymouth colony. A year before colonists arrived, smallpox introduced by these contacts had wiped out the Wampanoag village that the Pilgrims settled. Pilgrims were able to survive their first winter partially because of guidance by the natives and because they dug up the deceased Wampanoags to eat the corn offerings in the graves.

Throughout the nation, elementary school children still enact Thanksgiving every fall as our national origin myth, complete with Pilgrim hats made of construction paper and Indian braves with feathers in their hair. Should we teach these truths about Thanksgiving? Or, like our textbooks, should we look the other way?

Cade's horrible, rotten, no good very bad day

I took the day off work today to have some "me time". I scrapped for about 5 hours then picked Cade up early so we could spend some time together. The kid is a freak-he loves to run errands.

Cade:Me having a really really bad day.

Me: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! What happened?

Cade: All day everybody says "hi Cade, hi Cade, hi Cade!" Then Maddie and Charlie fight over me. And everybody keeps telling me how cool my shirt is!

Me: Oh, that makes for a bad day?

Cade: YEAH! *clearly frustrated by my ignorance*

Funny, somehow he managed to soak his shirt and not his pants with urine while we were at the fabric store and that did not phase him at all. I think his priorities are screwed up.

Thanks *sob* Mom

Today I was talking to my mom who is really sick thanks to the germ warfare that my terrorists unleashed on her this weekend. Anyway, I was telling her about spinning Trixie in the dryer and my mom replied "Oh, I'm always really careful about that since...um never mind". Never mind? Oh hell no! You can't start a story and then just let it go. I am way to nosey for that! "Well remember that Siamese cat we had..Limerick? Well, umm..he didn't really run away. I found him in the dryer. Dead." That must have been like 26 years ago!!! My mom never said a word. I would love to be able to say it must have been her or my brother that did the poor cat in...but given recent "incidents"... I can't be too sure it wasn't me. She did bury him in my fave blanket...what does that mean? Did you bury him mom? Or was he in a garbage bag like Mutley?

Question of the day

Could someone please tell me how a 4 and 5 year old boy can DESTROY a mailbox in a matter of moments? On second thought...I don't think I want to know.

Let them eat cake-but not mine!

Today is my birthday. Or so says my birth certificate. My “mother” even has a charming little birth story to tell. But personally I’m not buying it. You see I’m a firm believer that I was stolen away from my true family and sold for a gallon of homemade wine and a freezer bag of high grade Acapulco gold. Even as a small child I had a distinct dislike of manual labor, Tiffany taste and an air of superiority. If I truly had hippie blood coursing through my veins would this be true? I think not. I have faith that my “real” family is royalty or at the least filthy freaking rich. Maybe Russian. Perhaps my given name was Tatiana…I’ve always like that name. I’m sure they are out there somewhere desperately looking for me. Perchance one day they will find me. I’m sure my true birth mother would fall to her knees crying out in Russian-in despair over the mediocrity of my life. After all I was to be an heiress, on the cover of tabloids, hounded by the paparazzi. Instead I’m a nurse living in near squalor. They would beg me to come back with them. But would I? I’ve grown to find my “family” rather charming-in a disturbing way. But if I did go back…this morning when Peyton refused to say “Happy Birthday” to me---I could have sent him to the dungeon to be tied to a rack until he consented to honor me.

Is animal control watching????

This morning I woke up late. I know you are all surprised by that. I had left my scrubs in the dryer last night and I knew they would be all wrinkled. I have issues with wrinkled clothes. I went to the dryer, shut the door and turned it on. Suddenly I heard howling and THUNK, THUNK, THUNK. Instantly I SCREAMED "OH FUCK! THE CAT!!!!" I opened the door and out pops my sweet little Trixie. Completely unfazed. She didn't even give me a dirty look. Cade and I totally manhandled her with kisses and hugs and she just looked at us like "what?". I felt soooo bad. She is truly the sweetest most patient cat. Now had Sybil jumped in there, Norm, or maybe even one of the kids...I may have waited a bit longer to open the door. But truly this was an accident. I hope she forgives me.

Rah Rah Sis Boom BLAH

I am not now, nor have I ever been cheerleader material. In high school I was not a cheerleader nor was I friends with any. While others were at the pep rally I was making out with a substitute teacher. I went to football games to drink and socialize. Cheer for my school? I think not. I do not walk around with a perpetual plastic grin on my face. I am not peppy. I am prone to melancholy but this does not mean that I am an unhappy person. Life is swell...really. I just don't feel the need to announce it to the world. So when you see me please don't say "Smile, it could be worse!" How do you know it isn't worse??? Maybe today is the day that: my house burned down, my dog got rabies, my husband left to join the circus, my son announced he was gay, my grandmother went in to the nursing home and I actually weighed myself. Now leave me alone or I'll give you something to smile about :)

Tis the season

I missed posting yesterday. I had truly planned on it. This should explain why:

On the first day of Christmas,My true love sent to me a digital thermometer.
On the second day of Christmas,My true love sent to me Two albuteral inhalers.
On the third day of Christmas,My true love sent to me Three pounds of Tylenol.
On the fourth day of Christmas,My true love sent to me Four quarts of Nyquil.
On the fifth day of Christmas,My true love sent to me Five golden boxes of kleenex.
On the sixth day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Six gallons of chicken noodle soup.
On the seventh day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Seven garbage bags of cough drops.
On the eighth day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Eight shipments of Robitussin.
On the ninth day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Nine Vicks vapor rub massages.
On the tenth day of Christmas,My true love gave to meTen tons of Sudafed.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Eleven filled prescriptions.
On the twelfth day of Christmas,My true love gave to me Twelve medical excuses from work.

Freaky Friday

Strange days and nights in in the house that love and insanity built:

• Ava only woke up once last night. I woke up on time.
• I took a shower and got ready for work with NO interruptions.
• Mark willingly took the kids to breakfast and the sitter despite having an incurable case of painted hand syndrome.
• I made it to work before 8:30 and the shuttle was waiting for me.
• I had a patient who actually wanted to breastfeed. Did not want to give a bottle or formula.
• I quickly found a birthday present for mr. popularity (Peyton) to take to a party on Saturday. I also found an adorable wedding card for a great price.
• While in traffic I looked over to see a woman eating a jar of baby food. No baby in the car. Fruit or vegetable?
• The boys had no time outs at childcare. WTF?
• Cade complained of a mild ear ache. He insists that ants crawled in there to sleep because it's getting cold. Let's hope thats not true.
• The kids fell asleep early watching the Wizard of Oz. Norm is snoring in his crate. Amonte is with his dad and Mark won't be home from work for hours.

God even throws me a bone once in a while! I think I'll hit the haystack early tonight...Sweet dreams!

Buns of marshmellow fluff

In the car:
Cade: Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Yes?
Cade: Um. Never mind.
Me: What baby?
Cade: Noooo. Me don't want to talk to you! Amonte!!!!
Amonte: WHAT?
Cade: When it snows will you make a snowman with me?
Amonte: Yeah, whatever.
Me: I can make a snow man with ya baby.
Cade: Um. No. You aren't strong enough.

WTF? Not strong enough to roll a few balls of snow around? Damn. I really need to hit the gym...I didn't realize it was SO obvious that I'm out of shape. Thanks Cade!

Happy meal with a side of sex

Let me start by saying I am not a prude by any means. However, as the mother of a daughter I am concerned with the toys and clothing that are readily available and deemed acceptable.

Numerous groups have expressed concern over the early sexualization of girls-so much so that the APA developed a task force to assess the depth of the problem. The APA report focuses on the increasing rates of eating disorders, depression, and low self-esteem among younger and younger girls. The Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, D.C., is now seeing patients as young as six with eating disorders. Girls are worrying about their weight and expressing dissatisfaction with their bodies at younger and younger ages.

An article in the Post asked“When do little girls start wanting to look good for others?” and quotes a sex educator as guessing that whereas it once began at six or seven, it now gets started as early as four. I don't believe the issue is the female desire to be attractive. There’s a world of difference between simply wanting to look good (Ava already loves dresses and pretty jewelry)and dressing like a stripper. Once Ava is out of toddler sizes we may have to put a pole in our living room. I don't really think a 4 or 5 year old needs low rise jeans, micro minis, crop tops, heels or bikini underpants! When little girls go from looking pretty/cute to flat out slutty we have crossed the line. "Whatever we may think of immodesty in grown women, there is little doubt that it is disgusting, demeaning, and depraved in little girls".

The toy choices are equally as bad as the clothing. Recently I got Ava a happy meal and in it was a scantily clad roller derby figurine. I got my daughter sex with her fries!!!!! The APA singled out the Bratz dolls, saying, "It (is) worrisome when dolls designed specifically for 4- to 8-year-olds are associated with an objectified adult sexuality." I mean have you see those things? They are little plastic whores. So how do you buy them and then not expect your daughter to want to look like them?

How do you feel about the clothing and toy options available for children under 16? Do your daughters have Bratz dolls or similar ones? Do you have a pole in your living room? Is your 4 year old on the cover of Preschoolers Gone Wild?

Stanky feet, stanky dog, stanky ???

• Woke up late. This is a daily event. Please feel free to add it to any of my posts.
• Fought with Mark because he has 2 broken hands...no not really. They work just fine...I'm assuming.
• Dropped Ava off at Andreas with a bag of medicine. Felt guilty and relieved.
• Usual bs at work. Web monitor is back on. "Breastfeeding is tooooooo haaarrrddd" WHINERS. Had adult conversation with people who did not wipe their nose on me.
• Took the boys to Kohls for winter wear. I was praying they could hold out till Saturday but when I picked them up at childcare they announced they had worn other kids coats and hats outside to play because their sweatshirts were not warm enough and they had no hats. In my humiliation we went promptly to the store.
• Found coats, hats, gloves and boots. No blood was shed. I still have to cut all the tags out of Peyton's new wares.
• There was a little person at Kohls and Peyton was enthralled. He kept asking "where did that cute little man go?" LOUD.
• Andrea fed Ava dinner for me. Greatly appreciated. However Ava smells like a clove of garlic. We are safe from vampires tonight.
• Speaking of smell: Norm got misted by a skunk. Not sprayed but he certainly walked into some scent. Not pretty.
• Oh and Peyton got new shoes too. When I took his off to try his boots on I nearly puked they smelled so bad. How can a little kid have feet that rank?
• Hmmm. Also rank is a smell around or near my computer. Mark will have to find it tomorrow.
• Amonte bumped the counter and shouted "son of a" to which Peyton quickly replied "BITCH" Cade responded "Peyton said BITCH" Peyton "I did not say BITCH" Amonte cracking up did not help.
• Take my contacts out. Open the bathroom door to find Amonte mooning me and his siblings laughing hysterically. Ummm. He is the one who needs a butt razor.
• After listening to Cade sing Linkin Park tonight I seriously think he has a career as a thrash metal screamer.
• A financial prayer was answered. YAHOO. For that I swear dear lord that I will quit lusting after a certain someone at church.

How was your day??

I love my job

• Yesterday I took Ava to the Dr. and we left with 3 RX's. One for antibiotics, one for breathing treatments and another for steroids. I felt guilty but I had to take her to the laundry mat to wash my comforter...thanks to Cade's late night gift. The laundry nazi kept yelling at Ava not to touch the carts and I was about to bitch slap her old ass by the time we got done.
• While we were at hellmat the childcare called to inform me that Peyton did not get off the bus. After several frantic calls we found him at home. Luckily Amonte was there to let him in. He had decided that he did not "feel like" going to childcare so he just rode the bus home. I'm so glad that he took it upon himself to make that decision.
• While Amonte was "watching" Peyton he fell asleep and Norm ate a pair of jeans and a shirt. Peyton polished off a good majority of the Halloween candy. Thanks my darling oldest child.
• Cade poured an entire bottle of bath wash down the tub drain. Imagine my surprise when it was Peyton's turn and the tub is filling up with mounds of bubbles.
• Norm was let out of the house too many times to count and I think my neighbor is damn sick of bringing him home. Maybe I should suggest that he keep him.
• The boys got their haircut. They had been growing it out because they wanted "High School Musical hair" and I had really gotten to like it longer...especially Cade's because his is soooo thick. But today the both got fau-hawks. Of course it was a disaster because the dumb ass that cut Cade's hair cut it WAY shorter than Peyton's and Cade really wanted a taller hawk...he cried in the chair. I felt so bad for him especially since the haircut was his idea and Peyton decided on it as an after thought
• They spent the rest of the afternoon eating a variety of foods and burping in each others faces. They then moved on to eating combinations of food and burping in each others faces to see who could get a stinkier burp. I'm so proud of their creativity and their ability to work together.
• Ava put cars in the toilet. I was just glad she was up and around and no longer up my ass.
• Ava colored all over Cade's legs with marker and he let her. He is so cooperative like that.
• Peyton built a fort in their room, trapped himself inside it and took a 3 hour nap in there. He will be up alll night long.
• It SNOWED. Need I say more.

Tommorow I'm going to work!!! YAhhoooooo!

Somebody has been sleeping in my bed & using my razor

I am grossly behind on my e-mails and blog readings. I plan to try and catch up tonight! It was a busy weekend and today is not shaping up to be anything terrfific. Cade got in bed with me sometime during the night, had an accident, hopped out and went and got back in his bed...never saying a word. I rolled over this morning and was like WTF? So not only am I home with a sick kid (Ava) but I will be taking a trip to the laundrymat...since my comforter surely will not fit in my washer. Mark is working overtime AGAIN tonight. We really need the money but it sucks not having any help...not that he is a ton of help but any is better than none.

Anyway. Enough. Whining. Already.

Heard while in the bathroom yesterday:

Mark: Ava are you gonna comb daddy's hair? (Mark is bald btw)

Cade: You don't have any hair dad.

Peyton: (in is insuated dumb ass voice) No it's all on his butt.

Cade:EWWWW! You should shave that!

Peyton: Yeah! Use mom's razor.

Nice.

Narcs are us

Peyton is our resident tattletale...or as Amonte "lovingly" calls him our narc. Today was tattling at it's finest:

Peyton: MOOOOOM!!!! Ava is doing something boring!!!!!

Oh for the shame of it all Ava.

Wow. This daily stuff is rough.

No tricks, just treats

My Mom came over on Halloween to help me get the kids ready. It was much appreciated because Ava was not feeling well and was in rare form. Peyton and Cade were acting like crack addicts in dire need of a fix. Amonte was...where the hell was Amonte??

Anyway. Ava did not really enjoy the "getting ready" party and flatly refused to allow me to put whiskers on her chubby cheeks. Once we got her outside she was perkier than a newly augment breast. She danced around the yard and rolled in the leaves while the boys impatiently waited. At the first house she wasn't too sure...but once she realized you get treats in bucket she was all in. Her brothers were very patient with her and made certain that she was not forgotten if they made it to a door before her. They were polite and Peyton refrained from singing his new fav song "trick or treat smell my feet give something good to eat-if you don't I don't care-I'll pull down your underwear". Nice. Ava signed thank you to everyone and of course added a kiss for good measure which won her lots of "awwws". When it started misting out we headed home with NO complaining. The kids pigged out and handed out some candy to stragglers...mostly teens sans costumes. Heres a peak:

Don't Peyton and Cade look thrilled? But hey no fighting!!!

Ava protesting.

Ava signing thank you.

Partyin' like Ms. Spears

The boys Halloween parties were excessively indulgent. I do believe every parent provided at least one treat...after all it is a contest ya know. There was enough candy at each of them to satisfy a tribe of menstruating women. There's nothing like spending the morning with 18 preschoolers on a total sugar high. Then spending the afternoon with 22 kindergartners hopped up on pixie sticks. Thought I'd share pics of the only partyin' I get to do these days!

Cade at his party. He was not fond of his mask.

When Peyton found a pixie stick he literally screamed "I've got SUGAR!!!"

Ava snatched a cookie off a plate in the blink of an eye. Peyton generously offered his to the victim of her assault.

This was the result of her thievery. Pretty.

I can feel your jealousy radiating through my keyboard.

Troubles in Toilet Land

It’s official. All of the boys have now landed themselves in a significant amount of toilet trouble. No I am not speaking of constipation…although we have been there too. I’m not referring to a little bit of splashing. I will even overlook the incidents of throwing a siblings toothbrush into the bowl in anger. I am talking about full blown toilet tragedies.

Amonte: being the oldest of course he was the first. He flushed a set of car keys down the toilet. I heard the words “bye-bye” accompanied by the woosh of the toilet. I had no clue what had went down, but I knew it wasn’t good. Luckily we lived in an apartment complex where they could take care of such…well…complex things. It involved a full day of maintenance men and having the toilet removed from the floor and replaced. Not to mention having to use the bathroom at the apartment club house and a serious bleaching of my keys.

Peyton: was about 20 months old and I went to the store foolishly leaving him with his father. Mark fell asleep with Cade. I walked into the house and saw something brown all over the kitchen floor and the fridge. I stepped in water. Lots of water. I heard running water. Peyton was naked. He had pooped. He took his diaper off and flushed it down the toilet. I woke Mark up and went to the coffee house. Teach him to sleep on his watch.

Cade: had his adventure on Halloween afternoon. I put Ava down for her nap and my loving husband told me “take a nap with her…Cade is nearly asleep watching a movie”. I though “oh hell yes!!!”. 45 minutes later my walnut bladder was screaming so I staggered into the bathroom…lights off. Cold, water covered my socks. I flipped on the light. The potty contains a full roll of toilet paper and numerous panty liners. I had to put on gloves and scoop the dissolving tissue into the garbage. Yum-O.

Me: What the hell happened in here?
Cade: Me don’t know.
Me: Really? You have no clue why the toilet is stuffed and overflowing?
Cade: Ummm. Amonte came home and took a poop and then left out the front door. He didn’t even wash his hands!!!
Me: Well that is interesting because Amonte is still in school.
Cade: Ummm. Me think it was Ava then.
Me: Ah, she is taking a nap.
Cade: Norm?
Me: In his crate.
Cade: *Sigh* Me did it.

Ya think??? What's the fascination here? Help a sister out!

For your viewing pleasure

Pictures from the great pumpkin carving:

Ava kept putting all the seeds back.

Cade only wanted to throw the guts at Norm.

Peyton gutted his mostly on his own.

And now for the creepiest Pumpkin pic EVERRRR!!!!!

WTF??? Is up with that?

The truly scary pics were the one's Peyton took of my plumbers crack. In appreciation of my not posting them please forward funds to Consumers Energy in my name. They would appreciate payment in full by the end of the week.

Bats in the belfry

We ghosted and then were return ghosted x 4= 4 large Ziplocs of candy.

2 Halloween parties with all parents anxious to participate and out do each other in their generosity= 4 more Ziplocs of candy and a full bucket too.

3 perfectly adorable, well mannered trick or treaters (one who signs thank you and throws in a kiss each time)= 3 giant overflowing plastic pumpkins.

My question is what do I do with all this crap?

I let the kids eat all they wanted last night. Then we brushed their teeth and cleaned out all the Halloween goodies. No more pumpkins, witches or bats..except for a bat that escaped and flew up Cade's nose. Good bye Halloween. Good bye sucrose highs.

Then I brought 2 Ziplocs bags resembling myself stuffed into a swimsuit into work. People have been like "you took all that from your kids? that is sooo mean". Yeah, I'm an evil cavity creep hate monger. I literally have about 20 pounds of tantrum inducing sugar left.

I read an article by a dentist who said let them eat it all in one night and toss the rest. I have friends who give out a piece a night until it is all gone (that would take years). I know other people who let their kids gorge everyday till there is nothing left.

What do you do with the vast amount of goodies brought on by the holidays??? Oh and me eating them is NOT an option.