Success in 2008

So, last year I set my goals pretty high for the new year. I was successful at a few...

1. Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
2. Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
3. Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
4. Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
5. Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
6. Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
7. Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
8. Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
9. Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
10. Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
    
11. Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
12. Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
13. Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
14. Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
15. Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.

Of course I am not going to tell you which ones. *Sigh* Now what to do this year?

A new me for the new year

I'm not one to make New Years resolutions. Mostly because I never keep them. But this year is going to be different. So here it is my list of awesomeness for 2008:

1. Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
2. Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
3. Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
4. Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
5. Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
6. Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
7. Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
8. Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
9. Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
10. Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
    
11. Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
12. Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
13. Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
14. Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
15. Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.

Wishing you a wonderful New Year. Get your camera phone ready...or if your not nice a really good pair of tweezers.

With this school year I do solemnly vow:

Another school year is just days away. Amonte is truly in high school now, entering the 10th grade. Peyton is starting Kindergarten (I may get electrocuted from the tears I am weeping on my keyboard) and Cade is off to preschool. Most people make New Years resolutions, I make back to school vows. These come out of my failures from prior school years. This year with 3 totally different schedules and 3 totally different schools, add in work, sports and medical issues and I'm sure my vow list will be monstrous next year. With this school year I do solemnly vow:

1. To not wake my kids up late because I was on the Internet all night.
2. To actually feed them something that resembles nutrition at the kitchen table and not in the car on the way to school.
3. To have things ready the night before...not to wake in the morning and realize I left all their laundry in the washer.
4. To actually read the calendar sent home by the school, therefore never again missing a conference, snack, me day, field trip ect.
5. I will bring them to school on the right day and not on a snow day.
6. I will allow family projects to be just that and not turn them into a craft competition with the other moms.
7. I will not feel guilty for buying a snack instead of baking it...at least I remembered it.
8. I will not send them to school in their pajamas when it is not pajama day.
9. I will instruct my children carefully not to discuss my dear friends career/life as a drag queen.
10. And lastly I will try to enjoy every moment, including the tears over homework, broken hearts and sticking my hand in the bottom of a trash filled back pack to find a permission slip.

With all my heart, a bottle of Tylenol and a quart of premade Mudslides I do solemnly vow to survive this school year with the majority of my mental faculties intact and no permanent psychological damage to my children.