Wednesday, January 28, 2009

OOOOhhhh NNNNooo!!!!

That is what I have heard for the past four days. None Stop. Her Majesty is in the hospital. Cade has strep. Amonte has to have surgery. Blogging to resume when crisis has passed.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Someone call me a cab..

I think I have finally found my true calling in life. I have been contemplating a career change for a while now-but wasn't really sure what I wanted to do when I grew up. Then, while driving in my crushed goldfish covered minivan, listening to the same Rage Against the Machine song for the 20th consecutive time, expertly opening juice boxes with one hand while breaking up sibling violence with the other-it dawned on me. I was born to be a taxi driver. Not just any ole taxi driver-cause that would blow-but the one on that cool ass game show Cash Cab.

Seriously with my resume???

  • Take Amonte to career center-back to headquarters
  • Take Peyton to Dr
  • Take Peyton to lunch
  • Take Peyton to school-back to headquarters
  • Pick Amonte up from school (he's not ready & I should mention goes to school in a different district)-back to headquarters
  • Pick Peyton up from school-back to headquarters
  • Pick Amonte up from school again-back to headquarters
  • Take Amonte to drivers training-back to headquarters
  • Pick up Amonte from Drivers training-back to headquarters
And I do all of this movin' while being witty and throwin out some real brain benders! The only bitch is I can't dump them out on the street when they miss three in a row.
  • What did you do today?
  • What did you eat for snack?
  • Who did you sit with at lunch?
  • Why can't you leave your sister alone?
  • Have you lost your mind?
  • Do I look like I just fell off a Christmas tree?
Don't get me wrong. I think Ben is an awesome host-but I could bring something unique to the show. Discovery Channel beware. I'm sending a demo tape.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

When Ugly ruins Hope

For the record I am not an "inner city dweller" or an "idiot college kid". Nor were 98% of the people who worked on the Obama campaign. Statistically, he was voted into office by hard working, middle class, middle aged, Americans. I support freedom of speech. I respect people with differing opinions.We can disagree and both be right. I generally try to find some common ground. Unity. That is-unless-you are a freaking idiot. If you want to really know what is wrong with America read this. Proof that racism and ignorance are still alive and well. Somethings may never Change.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Day Like No Other

Eight years ago if you had told me that I would be beating on doors in the pouring rain and blowing up phone lines for anything even remotely resembling politics I would have rolled on the floor laughing until my mother of four bladder burst. While I followed politics, I never had any desire to be involved.

Watching our nation falling to pieces around me-I was desperate for a change. Initially, I was a Hillary supporter. But as I followed Barack Obama -I was increasingly drawn to him. Not just because he is hot and I bet he smells good. Not just for his easy sense of humor and killer smile. Not for his obvious compassion and fatherly abilities. Not just for his complete lack of ego or his amazing intelligence. But because he is so incredibly genuine.

I had the pleasure of seeing Barack Obama speak in Battle Creek this summer. A time I will never forget. Surrounded by an amazingly diverse crowd. All with a single goal. He said at the rate we were going there would be nothing left for our children. He said he wanted to build a better future for ALL OF OUR children. As his motorcade went by our car and he caught our thrown kisses-I believed him. Whole heartedly.

Today is a fresh start. Today is a new page in our history. Today is a time to embrace change. Today puts the past behind us. Today it is safe to dream-to hope-for our future and our children's.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Rumor Mill

At different periods of my life I have been the subject of much gossip. Some deserved and some not so much. It pretty much came to a screeching halt several years ago-when I went and got all domesticated. However, over the past few months I am once again a hot topic of conversation. I'm like a freaking celebrity. I half expect to see my picture sans panties on the front of Big Medicines monthly newsletter. The sad thing is that NONE of it and I mean NONE of it is even remotely true. Not only that but the reporter is a so called friend. Yeah. Can everyone say "High school" with me?

In my younger years I may have drank too much and got all up in her grill. But now that I'm grown up (maybe that is a stretch) I tend to take a deep breath, get all zen and let it go. This particular bit of drama is not only outrageous but could potentially damage my career. Not sure that would be any great loss but a paycheck sure is swell. So it must be addressed.

I would have thought that at this point in my life this is the last thing I would be dealing with. Apparently though some people never out grow it. Maybe because they have never been held accountable for their bullshit. Perhaps they don't realize the impact that their tales have. Maybe they do know and they just don't care. What ever.

The fact is that most gossipers will deny to their last breath that they said a solitary word. I think that speaks highly to someone character. I learned the hard way-if you say it-you own it. I live by that. Too bad others don't.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Frag this

Her Majesty has learned a bitch of a life lesson. She has had her first heart break. Her first taste of rejection.

Ava loves to stay up till her "stinky daddy" comes home from work. This is when they have their bonding time. The other night Ava got all dolled up for the event. She put on her little mermaid panties, purple and brown striped knee highs, a strawberry shortcake pj top and some major hair accessories. She was pretty sure she was irresistible. Daddy greeted her with the mandatory "oooohhhh's", "aaahhh's", hugs and kisses. Sadly, Ava was in my arms a mere 5 minutes later sobbing. Clearly devastated.

  • Me: Ava! What's wrong baby?
  • Ava: *Sobb* Daaaaddy
  • Me: What did daddy do?
  • Ava: STUPID GAME!!!!
Enough said. Daddy got new video games for Christmas. Knee highs and Hello Kitty hair clips are no competition for fragging some newb with a boomstick. Sorry baby girl.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I love Nerds!

Amonte is an official member of the nerd herd and I couldn't be prouder. Last year after spending too many hours redundantly watching Hackers he decided to test his own skills and got busted cracking the schools computer. Here is a tip: watching a movie about hacking while high on pain meds is not a recipe for success.

So this year he enrolled in business technology at the career center with plans to gain experience in computer security...which hopefully will not be used in a life of crime or to change a girls grades. I'm not sure if his hacking skills have improved but he is learning something. Yesterday he went to a regional competition and placed for states in two categories. He also got to wear a suit, look all pimp and dance the soldia boy.

He came home so full of life. It was great to see him happy and dressed in something that included a belt. March is states...wish him luck!!!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

It's all about me

Well after much debate I have decided to make a resolution this year after all. But I'm not calling it a resolution because that would guarantee my failure-it's more of a lifestyle change. This year I plan to make myself a priority...something I have not been very good at lately (or maybe ever). It's time to put my oxygen mask on first.

  1. Be more fashionable. So what if I can't run the 50 yard dash after a toddler in those hot heels. I'm wearing the bitches anyways.
  2. Take up gardening. I hear it's relaxing-my yard looks like crap and medical marijuana is legal in Michigan now.
  3. Have a regular date night. Notice I did not say with who.
  4. Be more spiritual. Stop using the lords name in connection with pirate talk.
  5. Paint my nails...with something other than markers and finger paint.
  6. Get my stuff organized. Toss all Mark's shit out so I have more room.
  7. Lose weight. Start saving money for liposuction.
  8. Karma repair. No more voodoo dolls.
  9. Eat better. Cupcakes. Not sheet cakes.
  10. Girls nights out. Perfect binge drinking skills.
  11. Daily reminder to self: Winter is not an excuse to be a yeti.
  12. Get in shape. Carry larger, heavier, handbag.
  13. Put the past behind me. Have my colon cleansed. This may also help with #6.
  14. Align my energy field. Have an MRI...wearing earrings.
  15. Be happy. Or heavily medicated.
There. That should make a wonderful, new, relaxed, fabulous me. What do you think?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Success in 2008

So, last year I set my goals pretty high for the new year. I was successful at a few...

  1. Live dangerously: Stop wearing panties and be sure everyone with a camera phone knows it. Learn to swallow fire.
  2. Education: Learn to swear proficiently in 5 foreign languages.
  3. Eat better: Scrape the icing of my cake.
  4. Do something for my community: Invest in industrial amount of Depo-provera. Dump into community water system...cause people in these here parts should not be breeding like they are.
  5. Do something for the environment: Buy a mini horse. Use it as a lawn mower. Compost it's waste in my neighbors yard. Hey if Rob and Big can have one so can I.
  6. Reduce my spending: Shoplift on a regular basis.
  7. Exercise: Find an 18 year old boyfriend and have LOTS of sex.
  8. Loose weight: Get breast enhancement to give appearance that waist is smaller. Set scale back 30 pounds.
  9. Be more proactive at work: Staple the tongues of all pediatricians who refuse to do frenulectomies to the floor of their mouths.
  10. Be a better person: Have my meds increased. Keep the voices in my head inside my head.
  11. Be a better wife: Let him have a girlfriend...then he won't care about what I won't do.
  12. Travel more: Tour all local public restrooms. Set up a website with a rating system for other travelers with small bladders.
  13. Read more: Get subscriptions to US, People and In Touch.
  14. Care more about my appearance: Shave my legs before the hair is so long I can braid it.
  15. Take up a new hobbie: Learn to cast spells. May my enemies grow extreme amounts of long, thick, coarse nipple hair.
Of course I am not going to tell you which ones. *Sigh* Now what to do this year?

Monday, January 5, 2009

17 Wonders

Dear Amonte-
You have to admit while this birthday is not exactly stellar it is by far better than last year. 2008 is in the past. It was a year that has forever changed your life. It brought with it pain and despair. But I hope that you can also see the wonders it held. Amidst all of the hopelessness- strangers reached out to you, answers were revealed, you built a relationship with Christ and found a strength and passion inside yourself that I don't think you knew existed. I hope that 17 brings you comfort, healing and much deserved peace and joy.
Happy Birthday. You're still my McLovin.

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