Thursday, January 31, 2008

Every Parent's Worst Nightmare

I found this on Denise's blog and I couldn't resist. Especially since I have some ahhh..."colorful" readers. I'm intrested to see if anyone can top mine. Let's just say my fine was shockingly high. I will post it in the comments.

Whats your fine?????

This actually was quite hilarious! This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. The total Fine Amount with Everything is $1,110.60...

Let's see how many Naughty Readers I have! :) Also, put your fine total in my Comments so that I can see how many of you should be Locked Up! CHECK OUT THE COMMENTS... I was a Naughty Naughty Girl... My total is in there.

You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

> > Smoked pot -- $10
> > Did acid -- $5
> > Ever had sex at church -- $25
> > Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you--$40
> > Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
> > Had sex for money -- $100
> > Ever had sex with the a different race -- $20
> > Vandalized something -- $20
> > Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
> > Beat up someone -- $20
> > Been jumped -- $10
> > Crossed dressed -- $10
> > Given money to stripper -- $25
> > Been in love with a stripper -- $20
> > Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
> > Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
> > Ever drive drunk -- $20
> > Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
> > Used toys while having sex -- $30
> > Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
> > Went skinny dipping -- $5
> > Had sex in a pool -- $20
> > Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
> > Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
> > Cheated on your significant other -- $10
> > Masturbated -- $10
> > Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend-$20
> > Done oral -- $5
> > Got oral -- $5
> > Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
> > Stole something -- $10
> > Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
> > Made a nasty home video -- $15
> > Had a threesome -- $50
> > Had sex in the wild -- $20
> > Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
> > Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
> > Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
> > Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
> > Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
> > Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
> > Went streaking -- $5
> > Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
> > Been arrested -- $5
> > Spent time in jail -- $15
> > Peed in the pool -- $0.50
> > Played spin the bottle -- $5
> > Done something you regret -- $20
> > Had sex with your best friend -- $20
> > Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
> > Had anal sex -- $80
> > Lied to your mate -- $5
> > Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Do you got love for Her Majesty?

Peyton has been less than impressed with his baby sister lately. She is turning into a full fledged two year old. Recent comments include:

  • "Ava, you don't even try to be a nice girl."
  • "Why didn't I get a baby brother?"
  • "Ava needs her own bed mom. You should get her a crate!"
  • "Why do we have to keep her?"
  • "Ava's not as pretty as that baby on TV."
  • "Go away Ava. You stink and your nightgown is ugly."
  • "Gawd Ava. All you do is CRRRRRYYYYYY.

Although, I do have to admit (between you and me) the crate idea was tempting for a moment.

Sunday, January 27, 2008


Today my babysitter, who is also an awesome friend took the 3 little ones to church with her and kept them for the afternoon so I could be at the hospital with Amonte. His sperm donor came in the afternoon and stayed for the dressing change so I was able to run home and do a load of laundry before I had to get the terrorists.

We ordered a pizza and noshed on some yummies my good friend and job partner J made for us. Then we finished up Cade's family project and the boys painted some models they have been wanting to do. Of course Peyton left his paint unattended and Her Majesty smeared it all over her new dress and the table. But seriously, the least of my worries.

Right at bed time the phone started ringing. Amonte was calling from the hospital in horrible pain. To make a long story short they had to do an additional dressing change and it was not pretty. They gave him a Vicoden, doubled his dose of Demerol and gave him 2 doses of Ativan before they could get the pain managed. This was the same scenario I was faced with Wednesday night when I only had the option of Vicoden.

I called his dad and told him to get his ass up there ASAP. Of course he took his sweet ass time so Amonte called and so did his nurse. I called him again and he said Amonte told him not to come. He wanted me. I had 2 kids in bed and one on her way to dreamland. Another on the phone bawling. Nobody, not a single person that I could call to help. I sat on the phone and cried with my son. Then I cried till I was sick and sat by the phone waiting for the nurse to call me back.

I have plenty of people who offer to help. But honestly, when the people that should be helpful and supportive are not- how on earth do you ask anyone else? Plus what do I say? Ummm, yeah I haven't had time to clean my toilet in a month, the laundry is piled up to the ceiling, I really need a nap, my dog needs a bath. I mean are you kidding me? Asking for help and being totally ashamed is just not appealing. Asking for help and being told "no" or worse yet ignored is even worse.

But worse yet, Amonte will most likely be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. How the hell will I mange this dressing on oral pain meds? Alone.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Azzdates Version 3.0

Do not attempt to download this file. You will be forced to eat hospital food and pay too much money for magazines in the gift shop.

Amonte was admitted to the hospital today. No bitching needed. I called my wonderful pediatrician this am in tears and shared the whole sored story. He was promptly assigned a room.

My wonderful friend Rachel was his nurse and took excellent care of him. They gave him Demerol prior to the dressing change which helped the pain dramatically. It made him really silly and chatty and then he passed out. Hopefully he will get some much needed rest tonight as will I.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

My big Bad

I'm behind again. I don't know how it happens. One moment my reader is empty and the next it says 1000+. I will get caught up. I swear I will. I love to read your bloggies and I can't bring myself to click mark as read. It causes me great anxiety. Weird huh? Big shout outs and welcome to a few new readers and some outed lurkers!!! I love it when my lurkers come out!!! Makes me immensely happy. Again, weird huh? So be watching for me..please don't stop lovin' me cause I'm a slacker. That would hurt. Yeah, I know...weird.

Azzdates Version 2.0

Do not attempt to download this file. Financial data will be stolen and used to pay for gas to multiple medical appointments, numerous prescriptions, supplies and compensation of lost wages.

Since the last azzdate there have been numerous changes. Some good. Some bad. Some unknown.

  1. Amonte saw the GI Dr. last week. They were not particularly impressed with the symptoms but did feel there may be a remote possibility of Crohns. They ordered a CT scan and referred us to a pediatric surgeon (the same one Dermatology did).
  2. Monday we received a call from the Dermatology fellow to tell us that all biopsy's were negative. "Good luck getting a diagnosis. " Thanks.
  3. Monday received an anxious call from pediatric surgical/endocrinologist wanting us to come at 3pm that afternoon. Met with the head of dept who is also a professor. He was impressed with the wounds and perplexed by their presentation. He firmly believes it does not fit the pattern of HS. Yahoo. However, he needs to explore more so a third surgery was scheduled for today. Boo. Hiss.
  4. Back to Ann Arbor on Tuesday for Ct Scan. Ct Scan completely negative. Hip Hip Hooray.
  5. Up at 5 am to head for Livonia for surgery. Zero hours of sleep night before due to baby with a fever and power outage. No power=no alarm clock. I was terrified I would over sleep even once the power came back. Got lost in the hood. Arrived at surgery center with moments to spare. Professor performed through exam under general anesthesia. No fistulas. Yeah baby. Large amount of tunneling and poor granulation of abscesses. Both areas enlarged. Shit. Professor presents information as generally positive but confusing. Does suggest that there is a strong possibility this may be Subcutaneous Crohns Disease...which is rare and untreatable. Damn. Numerous biopsies were taken and we must await results for any chance of diagnosis. Fudge.
  6. Professor suggests change in wound care regime. Sounds simple and painless. Hot diggity Dog.
  7. Quick case of diarrhea requires emergent wound care. Not simple. Not painless. U of M resident on call=no help. Pediatrician out of town=no help. Pediatrician on call="you're not my patient"=no help. Fuck me. Seriously. Tears and screaming ensued. I cried harder and longer tonight than I have in did Amonte. Boo. Hooo. Hoo.
  8. Tomorrow somebody better do something to help this kid. I want him admitted to the hospital for pain management and wound care. I'm going to be a bitch on a mission. I'm one step from a nervous breakdown. One tiny half step. Warned.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Surgical 16

Dear Amonte,

I have been wanting to write this letter for weeks now. However, with everything that has been going on it never seemed like the right time. I know that this is not how you imagined turning 16. It certainly isn't what I would have wanted for you. The past two months have been so painful for you. Both physically and emotionally. But in this I have learned something new about you. You are stronger than I have ever given you credit for.

It's no secret that I have babied you. Spoiled you. I spent so many years trying to make up for the absence of your father and for all the mistakes I made while learning to be a mother. I never gave you a chance to figure things out for yourself. When anything was difficult I swooped in and took over. This time, I can't take over. I can do nothing to help you. But my helplessness has let your true strength shine.

You have handled yourself with an amazing amount of courage, dignity and humor. You have faced pain and uncertainty calmly. You have never once lashed out at anyone trying to help you. You have found the comical in a situation I could never see the humor in.

I am so very proud of you. For if 16 is any indication of the man you are growing into all those who know you are truly blessed.

"Bow down to me, cause my ass is holy!" I'm bowing. But not because of the huge holes in your hiney. But because you are an amazing young man with a bright future.

Happy belated sweet 16 McLovin.



You too Norman?

Norm is not to be outdone. He has decided that since everything and everyone else is going to hell in a lovely hand basket he will tag along for the ride. Last week he decided to dine on the neighbor dogs feces. Apparently to dogs, another dogs crap is a delicacy. Who knew? Then for 2 days he vomited fecal matter in every room in the house. He also deposited his own fecal matter in several locations. The first night EVER that Ava only woke once, Norm woke times 4. The fourth time I threw his ass into the snow screaming. Which, I am pretty sure is what woke Ava her one and only time.

He has also eaten nearly all the play food from Ava's kitchen. Particularly devastating was the devouring of her little shrimp. They were her favorite. Then last night he choose to urinate all over the living room during family play time. He spent the rest of the evening in doggy lockup.

I'm beginning to think I'm just not a dog person.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Up your nose with craft supplies

Just in case ya all thought Amonte was the only one keeping me busy, I thought I would set the record straight. Saturday before last we were enjoying a leisurely afternoon (recovering from the prior evenings total and complete melt down). The boys in their underwear, me and Ava in PJ's had just settled in for a long afternoon of movies. I headed to the kitchen to fix some snacks. Cade follows just seconds behind SCREAMING that his nose hurts. I rubbed it. I kissed it. No better. He then announces there is a "bean" in it, although he staunchly denies putting anything up there. I look. Nothing. So we blow. And blow some more. MMMM. Green snot. "There ya go Cade! There is your green snot bean! Yahoo!". To this he replies that his bean is in fact pink. Pink??? I only got green here dude. After much questioning he admits to shoving a pink bead up his right nostril.

Further exam under bright light reveals bead. Wonderful. I make fun of kids who do this shit. Now it's my kid, karma is a bitch. I grab the tweezers and of course he goes nuts. As does Ava who tries to rip them from my hands as I put them up his nose. Norm also goes ape shit and tries to attack me. After 3 failed attempts I called my Mom. Praying she would come sit with the others while I drug Cade to the walk in. Poor Mom, she obliged.

We sat at the clinic for over in hour. Cade slyly trying to dig in his nose. What Dr. should be working? Yes, that's right. One that I see on a frequent basis at Big Medicine. And here I am. Unshowered. My kid in his slippers with a pink bead up his nose. Not even a manly bead. A pink one. Lovely child laid perfectly still for removal. Discharge instructions read "Maintain safe environment to prevent reoccurrence". Yes, that's me. Negligent mom.

Upon return home Mom had folded baskets of laundry. She even tackled the daunting task of mating socks. While putting the clothes away I noted that she had placed Ava's swimsuit bottoms and diaper covers with my panties. I'm not sure if I should be flattered...or if my Mom is truly losing it. Either way, it felt good.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Gag me with a giant spoon.

Last week witchypoo tagged people for helpful household hints and neglected me. I think this is because she knows I am the Goddess of Domestic Zeroism. I think she mind travels through my laundry room. Yikes. So any who, she sensed my hurt and tagged me for 6 quirky things about me. Me quirky?

  1. Most of my quirks have to do with food. Those of you who know me are probably snickering right now. Stop it cause you look ugly when you do that and your face may freeze that way.
  2. I have a major fear of mushrooms. Just typing the word makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. This is a RATIONAL fear people. They are a FUNGUS. They get HUGE. They have HAIR. They grow in moldy, dirty dank, stinky places. Ewww.
  3. I prefer divided plates. I can not eat food that is touching. I especially hate it if their "juices" run together. Gag me.
  4. I do not eat any food in a scoop form except for ice cream. You know how they use an ice cream scoop for mashed potatoes or mac n cheese and it's all in a little ball? BARF.
  5. I do not eat gravy. Period. It is used to disguise nastiness.
  6. I do not eat lumps of any sort. Nothing smooth should be lumpy. It is a law. Obey it.
This is only the beginning of what I lovingly refer to as my "food rules". Any one wanna make me dinner?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Unfit for human habitation

In the car out of the blue :

Peyton: I think I'll clean my room in 2015.

Me: Dude, that's in like 7 years.

Peyton: Duh. I know that already.

Me: Don't ya think that is kinda gross?

Peyton: Well maybe for you, but I won't mind.

Should I notify the health department before the neighbors do?

Azzdates Version 1.0

Please do not attempt to download this file. Your computer will seriously compromised. Holes will develop in your spy ware. Virus protection will be rendered useless. You will be spammed with vast amounts of porn. You have been warned.

Please forgive Friday's cryptic post. I had been given some new information on Amonte's condition and I was feeling rather overwhelmed. I had not yet shared with him and I thought it only appropriate that we had discussed it before I spilled to all of you.

Amont's has been going to the wound care clinic for the past week now. The nurses there are wonderful and very knowledgeable. They discovered several other abscesses (including a very large one) during care. This lead them to the conclusion that Amonte may be suffering from a condition known as Hidradenitis Suppurativa.

Monday we went to the University of Michigan to see the infectious disease doctor. They quickly referred us to both dermatology (who we saw that day) and to a GI specialist who we see tomorrow. To make a very long story short-they believe it could be 1 of 3 possibilities:

  1. It was MERSA to begin with. For whatever reason cultures did not show it because of abx he was previously on.
  2. It is HS. A definitive diagnosis is difficult until you have suffered multiple outbreaks. They may be able to tell my doing a surgical biopsy. We are being referred to a surgeon who specializes in this area of diagnosis and treatment.
  3. It could be Crohn's disease. This usually peaks around age 15 and may show only skin involvement prior to all of the GI symptoms. Hopefully GI will be able to share more tomorrow.
Needless to say all of this is extremely overwhelming for both Amonte and I. None of these are wonderful options. Please continue to pray for him. And I will be keeping you updated as we know more.

Thanks again for all of your kind words of encouragement, your prayers and your phone calls. You guys freakin rock!

Friday, January 11, 2008

The rain is falling

Today has been a day wrought with information, discovery, agony and despair. Knowing that nothing will ever be right again. Nothing will ever be the same. Trapped. Unwinding slowly from the inside out. I have to get centered. Focused. I have to stop pretending to be brave. To be strong. I have to summon true strength and courage from deep with in. I have to accept what may be...what is. Some one needs me now.

I am a slacker. This much is true. But this time any lack of blogging, reading or responding to e-mails is not related to my procrastination. I am fighting. Battling. Reading the map of the road before me. No longer looking for shortcuts or escape routes. Slapping on a new layer of duct tape. Maybe, just maybe...I will reach my destination a better person. Until I do, wish me a safe trip. Because the journey before me may just be what breaks me.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Egging it on

Here at the love shack I promote self expression. I try to get them to "use their words" and desire them to be creative. I mean anybody can say stupid or butthead! Do you want to be common? I also encourage them to try new things. For example this Christmas Peyton and Cade discovered that like big brother Amonte they love eggnog! Personally I can only swallow the stuff if it is rum laden.

The other night I was hanging up clothes in the bedroom and I could hear the three little ones "playing together".

Peyton: Your an eggnogger!

THUNK. Loud laughter.

Cade: No! You're an eggnoger!

THUNK. More laughter.

This went on for a while. Calls of "eggnogger" and laughter. I already know laughter at my house is bad. I should have went and looked.

Next thing I know Cade is SCREAMING! He comes running to me holding his eye and bawling.

Me:What happened????

Cade: (Through the sobs)Ava egged me!!

Apparently they were "egging" each other with Ava's 1/2 dozen wooden eggs that she got for her kitchen....resulting in an ouchy eye and a few dents in the wall.

I have to say"eggnogger" is some inspired name calling. And as an added bonus my daughter does not throw like a girl (unlike her mother). Since egging has been mastered I will have to offer some inventive opportunities for TP'ing.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

She's ALIVE!!!!!!!

I'm back. Did you miss me? Things have been crazy busy since Amonte's surgery. I want to thank all of you for your kind words and prayers. It was much appreciated. I am trying to get caught up on my reading and I have tons of stuff to blog about.

Amonte's surgery went well. However the surgeon said he had to be much more "aggressive" this time. The area is considerably larger and deeper. The first packing was on Saturday...his birthday. To put it mildly it did not go well. It was excruciatingly painful. Sunday and Monday were no better.

I spent all day on the phone Monday calling in every suggestion and favor I could round up. Today we skipped the home health visit and went to the wound clinic. Luckily my brothers MIL is a nurse practitioner there and squeezed us in. Talk about a life saver. For starters they were able to make the entire procedure significantly less painful and make it only every other day. Unfortunately they also found 2 other abscesses that needed care and packing. Yikes.

We have an appointment with infectious disease at the University of Michigan on Monday. However, all of the wound cultures have been negative as of yet. We are leaning towards maybe a dermatological issue. Who knows. We anticipate another 4 weeks of wound care before he can return to school. (Anyone like to tutor????) He will miss the church ski trip which he was really looking forward to and the second segment of drivers ed and his birthday party are on hold. He is rather depressed, bored and lonely. I feel helpless and am spoiling him with video games which I know is not the answer.

Please continue to pray for him and send us some good healing vibes....

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Poo Poo splatter

Today I left work early and took Amonte to eat, the movies and shopping for his birthday. We went to Olive Garden and then saw I am Legend. Somebody could have warned me that movie is totally sad. I think I cried nearly the whole way through it...when something wasn't jumping out and nearly making me piss my pants. All in all we had a nice time. I'm sure it won't make up for his surgery tomorrow or the fact that his actual birthday on Saturday will most likely suck but it was nice to spend time alone with him.

However, when we came home I was greeted at the door by a horrible stench. I went to Norms crate fully expecting a nightmare...but he was clean and happy. I found it in the hallway. I giant explosion of doggy doo. Really foul doo. After I got done gagging I went to get my carpet cleaner only to find it not working. Thank god my neighbor lent me hers. It took an hour to clean up and when Mark got home a few minutes ago he could still smell it. Freakin Norm.

Like...OMG. Totally.

Last night Peyton, Cade and Ava were all playing together in the living room. Nicely. Yeah. I know. Weird. Anyway they were building a fort or something with blankets, couch cushions, ugly dolls ect. I was busy sewing a tutu and only vaguely minding them. Peyton was crawling under the ottoman with a flashlight when he shrieks and scurries out from under it.

Peyton: OH MAN! That scared the CRAP out of me!!!
Me: What happened?
Peyton: I dropped the flashlight and it went right in my eyes!!! I thought I would go blond!!!
Cade: Peyton! Are you blond????

Ahhh yeah Cade. I think he already is. Hopefully he won't go blind though.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Well ain't this a kick in the ass

I hate snow. Yes. I know. I have said it before. But I REALLY hate snow. I woke up this morning to a winter wasteland. I was not amused. But as I drove down the empty streets to work I found myself feeling peaceful, calm. It truly was beautiful...from the warmth of my car. I needed those few moments of solitude. I sat in the car listening to James Blunt and gazing at the drooping tree branches. Knowing that the remainder of this week will be an ass kickin' good time. Literally. Amonte went back to the surgeon yesterday. He is not healing well and a large abscess has formed. He will be going to surgery on Friday. The day before his 16th birthday. More wound packing. More IV's. No back to school. An ouchy birthday. I feel so bad for him right now and completely helpless. I wish it was my ass and not his. I wish we had answers. I wish he had his life back. I wish I could fill the loneliness he feels right now. I wish.....

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