Cold Blooded Killer

Norm has usually been pottied and put to bed by the time Mark gets home from work. However Saturday I got home from work late which meant Norm received his meal way past his usual time. So Mark was left to put him out before bed. Not really that much of a chore.

Sunday morning Peyton put him out and I headed to church. When I returned home Norm was napping in his crate. I noticed an odor and thought that I had better wash his blankets...after I took my nap with Ava.

Later in the afternoon Peyton came SCREAMING into the kitchen "Norm has a rabbit!!! I looked out to see Norm happily carrying the upper portion of a cuddly bunny around the back yard. Gleefully throwing it into the air and catching it, then shaking it wildly. I hollered at him to drop it and he completely ignored me. I do NOT do carcasses. Especially those of cute, fuzzy critters. Luckily my neighbor was home and he quickly came over to take care of it for me. Aside from some tears from Ava and Cade I thought the carnage was over.

While I was getting Ava ready for bed it dawned on me...or should I say the smell reminded me...that I still needed to wash the rabbit killers blankets. So I went to his crate and got on my knees. I reached into his den, grabbed a blanket and pulled it out. Like a scene from Fatal Attraction intestines from a petite lapin fell in to my lap. I jumped up screaming like a B movie queen and scared Her Majesty's half to death.

I managed to beg Amonte to put the remains and blankets into the trash. I was left to clean the crate. Complete with blood, bunny hair and a tooth. Needless to say I did not sleep well last night.

You too Norman?

Norm is not to be outdone. He has decided that since everything and everyone else is going to hell in a lovely hand basket he will tag along for the ride. Last week he decided to dine on the neighbor dogs feces. Apparently to dogs, another dogs crap is a delicacy. Who knew? Then for 2 days he vomited fecal matter in every room in the house. He also deposited his own fecal matter in several locations. The first night EVER that Ava only woke once, Norm woke times 4. The fourth time I threw his ass into the snow screaming. Which, I am pretty sure is what woke Ava her one and only time.

He has also eaten nearly all the play food from Ava's kitchen. Particularly devastating was the devouring of her little shrimp. They were her favorite. Then last night he choose to urinate all over the living room during family play time. He spent the rest of the evening in doggy lockup.

I'm beginning to think I'm just not a dog person.

Poo Poo splatter

Today I left work early and took Amonte to eat, the movies and shopping for his birthday. We went to Olive Garden and then saw I am Legend. Somebody could have warned me that movie is totally sad. I think I cried nearly the whole way through it...when something wasn't jumping out and nearly making me piss my pants. All in all we had a nice time. I'm sure it won't make up for his surgery tomorrow or the fact that his actual birthday on Saturday will most likely suck but it was nice to spend time alone with him.

However, when we came home I was greeted at the door by a horrible stench. I went to Norms crate fully expecting a nightmare...but he was clean and happy. I found it in the hallway. I giant explosion of doggy doo. Really foul doo. After I got done gagging I went to get my carpet cleaner only to find it not working. Thank god my neighbor lent me hers. It took an hour to clean up and when Mark got home a few minutes ago he could still smell it. Freakin Norm.

Better get Norm an orange sweater

*Whisper* Today is opening day in haystack Michigan. I'm blogging sitting on the floor in the dark for fear some crazed deer killer may think the reflection in the window is deer eyes. I'm terrified to drive down country roads for fear of stray bullets. The buck pole is up and on the radio. *Fetal position-sucking thumb* If Norm gets loose in the next week it is all over for him. All over. I wonder if they would hang him on the buck pole? Would they win a prize?

Stanky feet, stanky dog, stanky ???

• Woke up late. This is a daily event. Please feel free to add it to any of my posts.
• Fought with Mark because he has 2 broken hands...no not really. They work just fine...I'm assuming.
• Dropped Ava off at Andreas with a bag of medicine. Felt guilty and relieved.
• Usual bs at work. Web monitor is back on. "Breastfeeding is tooooooo haaarrrddd" WHINERS. Had adult conversation with people who did not wipe their nose on me.
• Took the boys to Kohls for winter wear. I was praying they could hold out till Saturday but when I picked them up at childcare they announced they had worn other kids coats and hats outside to play because their sweatshirts were not warm enough and they had no hats. In my humiliation we went promptly to the store.
• Found coats, hats, gloves and boots. No blood was shed. I still have to cut all the tags out of Peyton's new wares.
• There was a little person at Kohls and Peyton was enthralled. He kept asking "where did that cute little man go?" LOUD.
• Andrea fed Ava dinner for me. Greatly appreciated. However Ava smells like a clove of garlic. We are safe from vampires tonight.
• Speaking of smell: Norm got misted by a skunk. Not sprayed but he certainly walked into some scent. Not pretty.
• Oh and Peyton got new shoes too. When I took his off to try his boots on I nearly puked they smelled so bad. How can a little kid have feet that rank?
• Hmmm. Also rank is a smell around or near my computer. Mark will have to find it tomorrow.
• Amonte bumped the counter and shouted "son of a" to which Peyton quickly replied "BITCH" Cade responded "Peyton said BITCH" Peyton "I did not say BITCH" Amonte cracking up did not help.
• Take my contacts out. Open the bathroom door to find Amonte mooning me and his siblings laughing hysterically. Ummm. He is the one who needs a butt razor.
• After listening to Cade sing Linkin Park tonight I seriously think he has a career as a thrash metal screamer.
• A financial prayer was answered. YAHOO. For that I swear dear lord that I will quit lusting after a certain someone at church.

How was your day??

Norm's a little teapot

Last night I went to bed and left Norm in the living room to watch tv with Amonte. I figured just because I was off to bed didn't mean Norm had to be. I gave Amonte strict instructions to WATCH him and out him in the crate when he went to bed.

Around 1 am I was awakened by what I thought was the tune of "I'm a little teapot". But when I got oriented I heard nothing so I figured it was a weird ass dream..which I am known to have.

A few minutes later Norms nose is right in my face and he is whiny and shaking. I figured he needed to potty so I got my butt out of bed. He did not follow. I hollered for him to come on. He whined and shook. I thought maybe Sybil was being a bitch and had him cornered. No Sybil. Nothing. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the lid to Ava's teapot. WTF?

I picked it up and it played I'm a little teapot. Norm pissed on the floor. He was TERRIFIED of it. After I got done laughing at him and cleaning up the pee...that part was not funny. I went to the living room where Amonte's lazy ass was watching tv...oblivious to the fact his stupid dog had tried to eat a teapot and was urinating on the floor.

M-Amonte watch this! * push the button and play the tune*
Norm-Runs around in circles with his tail between his legs.
M-*push it again...I'm evil*
Norm-barks and hides under the chair

Repeat scenario x 5.

*Yawn*...give lid to Amonte so he can torture Norm and go back to bed.

Plan to try it again when I get home from work.

Cage fight

Monday I thought I was pretty damn slick and locked Norm in the kitchen while I was at work. When Amonte got home from school Norm was still in there although he had poo'd everywhere. Seeing as Amonte is an oblivious teenager with his own agenda he noticed nothing else. However, when I got home I discovered that the little bastard had jumped the gate, opened the closet and ate another pair of crocs, my last pair of flip flops and yet another pair of soccer cleats. And the ass did it in my bed leaving chunks of plastic all over. Instead of beating him to death which truly was my deepest desire...I went to Meijer and bought him a crate (that is another whole story). I was worried he would resist it but he was very accepting. It's sooooo nice to go to sleep/work and not have to worry about what trouble he is getting into. But he is paying me back in subtle ways...he has stopped eating the cat litter.

Oh my Dog

• 3 pairs of Crocs-$60
• 2 cell phone chargers-$50
• 3 pairs of shin guards-$30
• 1 pair of soccer cleats-$35
• 1 Kenneth Cole diaper bag-$75
• 2 pairs of flip flops-$18
• 1 stuffed bear-$15
• 1 Genevieve stuffed dog-$22
• 2 stuffed lobsters-$14
• 5 books-$45
• 7 action figures-$72
• 1 hospital trip-$298
• 1 neuter-$150
• 1 flea dip/grooming-$45

Having a dog who cleans the cat litter box and his own poo from the backyard: PRICELESS.

Norm is on Misters menu

This morning I was brushing Cade's teeth and we were going through our usual goofiness.

M-Come on let me get Mister all clean (Mister is the rhino who lives in Cade's mouth-um Mister also is a girl and has a baby)

C-Is Mister in the mud hole again?

M- Yeah and he made a big mess. I think he is gaining wait from all that breakfast you ate.

C-What do rhino's eat?

M- I have no clue...we'll have to google it after school.

*Norm walks into the bathroom and knocks Cade down.

C-I know what rhinos eat!

M-Oh yeah tell me!

C-DOGS!

Truly what do rhinos eat???

The saga of Norm

Norm arrived in our neighborhood several months ago. The kids fell in love with him and begged to keep him. We went through all proper procedures and no one claimed him. It was obvious that someone had spent some time training him as he knew basic commands and was housebroken. I told the kids he could stay until we found him another home as I was not truly convinced that he was what we needed in our life. Well the verdict is in. Norm stays. He stays even though:

• He ate an entire lobster (a stuffed one, I mean come on I can't even afford lobster for me!) and ended up with an intestinal blockage that cost me 100's of dollars.
• He has dug wholes in our back yard that could have been made with the use of explosives.
• He has eaten 2 pairs of crocs, 2 pairs of flipflops, a pair of sandals and a variety of toys and books.
• He eats his own feces. He eats out of the cat litter box.
• He is rather gaseous.
• When he got neutered he came home with a cone on his head and was the shame of the neighborhood. This may qualify as animal cruelty...I'm not really sure: but the boys LOVED to put treats in the cone so that he could smell them but not actually get to them. It was damn funny.
• He has urinated in my bed twice when it was shark week.
• He barks nonstop.
• He knocks down her majesty.
• He tortures my cats.

With all this though, he stays. My children adore him. Last night when I woke at 3 am and laid sobbing on the living room floor he curled up next to me (I had tried to make my cat lay with me but the bitch ran off). Now I adore Norm too.