Monday, December 15, 2008

Peyton's AARP Card

Dear Peyton,
I know you wished to be 71 one years old this birthday-but you will have to settle for 7. I'm not sure what about 71 is so magical to you. You say that you will know everything then. God knows your quest for knowledge is amazing...but I wish you weren't in such a hurry to grow up. I want you to stay my little boy for as long as you can. To enjoy playing in the warm sun and reading books in my lap. Even in sleep I can see your face wrinkled in thought. Trying to wrap your mind around concepts that a child should not be concerned with. You are an old soul. With an ability to read people and relationships that many adults have not mastered. Your social concious is heart warming...but worrisome that you internalize so much of it. I see great things ahead of you...long before you are 71.
I love you.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Let it Snow...Outside

I had all these witty posts written in my head for the past few days-obviously they never actually found their way out of there. In my defense it has been a rather hectic week. Yes, it is normally crazed at the love shack-but it has been excessively so. Luckily my back is feeling better and the terrorists can no longer taunt me safely from across the room. The holidays seem to have them all worked up-even Her Majesty is getting in on the action. Yeah. She only looks sweet.

Tuesday night I bathed all of the little soot gremlins and allowed Cade extra time to soak since he has not been feeling well. I planted my hindend at the kitchen table and busied myself finishing our Advent project. Seeing as the countdown had already begun I figured maybe I had procrastinated long enough.

From my stack of laminated cubes I saw Ava head to the bathroom. I chose to ignore it and hope for the best. After all she had already poured the $22 bottle of Noodle and Boo shampoo down the drain a week ago. Moments later I heard the sound of laughter above the clammer of my eyelet setting. A cold chill ran down my spine. Experience has taught me that laughter from more than one child simultaneously is almost always bad. Worried that getting up may upset the carefully constructed mess I was making I smartly sent Peyton to observe. Over the pounding that was now in my head I heard the bathroom door shut and lock. Silence. Followed by hysterical laughter. I screamed for Amonte to check on them. No response. No surprise either. I hollered to the terrorists. More laughter.

I cautiously placed my fine specimen of holiday craftiness onto the table and prayed for a miracle. Savily I picked the lock while the kids continued their mayhem (being a juvenile delinquent does come in handy on occasion). I flung the door open and Ava and Peyton made a quick run for it; leaving Cade standing naked in the tub with a fist full of wet goo in his hand and a look of fear on his face.

I surveyed the room with confusion. Aside from the floor looking like the aftermath of a Tsunami I really didn't see anything that could have caused even giggles. I mean flooding the bathroom floor is a fairly regular and uneventful occurrence. My gaze went back to Cade's hand. Then I was struck on the head by something large...and sloppy. Maniacal laughter from the naked one and his accomplices in the hall. Slowly I looked up. The ceiling and walls were covered in giant wads of sopping wet toilet paper. Like a freakish spitball fiesta.

Apparently you can have a snowball fight inside. All it takes is two rolls of toilet paper (of course they have to be the last two in the house), a bubble bath and an evil genius. Here's hoping I make it to the New Year.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Pain in the Bitch

As you know I recently celebrated the 9th anniversary of my 29th birthday. At my request Mark purchased two private Pilate's lessons to get me started. Ok, so I purchased them for me from him. Anyway. My first lesson was awesome. I didn't even sweat...which rocks 'cause princesses hate to sweat. But the next day I sneezed and nearly cried my abs hurt so bad. The trainer must have just been trying to lure me in cause she whooped my ass at the second class. As I was being tortured on the reformer I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. But not wanting to look like a wimp-I kept going.

By Saturday night I could barely move. Sunday I couldn't even get off the toilet without help. Monday I was so painful I was nauseated. A trip to the chiropractor and my Dr. confirmed a lovely pinched nerve. I have to see the chiro every day for two weeks and I'm on some delicious drugs. They estimate I will be off work for a week.

Private Pilate's Lessons: $100
Medical Expenses: $200
Time Off Work: $1200
Being Excused From Housework: PRICELESS

Now who wants to come paint my toenails?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I am experiencing major technical difficulties here at the love shack. Basically because my computer sucks like a hangover after a bottle of Brass Monkey. So-I'm stuck sharing
his holiness's
Amonte's laptop. Let's just say he is none to generous with the person who just happened to give him life. I have contest winners to announce shortly.'..even though my first contest was a bust. Apparently I have a lot of Republican that I'm saying it's a bad thing. Anyway-Amonte is having surgery tomorrow so maybe I can snag the laptop while he is stoned. At least he should be weak enough for me to pry it out of his hands!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Next Thing on My List

Today I am 37 years old. Or at least that is what the kidnappers have brainwashed me to believe. Despite having been cursed by early onset puberty-I am reasonably certain that I am considerably younger. If you ask my children they will quickly tell you that I am a lovely 29 years old and that their father is 50. In case there was ever a doubt-they are geniuses.

I would love to write a flowery post about my beautiful day-but the fact is it was spent at medical appointments, plunging a toilet filled with an entire container of Kandoo wipes, cleaning up dog puke and doing a metric ton of laundry. I lead a charmed life.

I recently read this for my book club. Hopefully no one will be completing my list for me.

20 Things to do Before I'm 40

  1. Loose 60 pounds
  2. Have a tummy tuck
  3. Have my breasts put back where nature inteded them to be
  4. Climb a mountain
  5. Fall in love...or back in love...
  6. Feel confident walking into a room
  7. Get a new tattoo
  8. Have a relationship with God
  9. Go on a trip with friends
  10. Swim naked in the ocean
  11. Make someone elses wish come true
  12. Wear a dress
  13. Treat myself-without guilt
  14. Dance in the rain
  15. Play in the muds
  16. Sleep under the stars
  17. Ride a horse
  18. Say yes to my kids all day
  19. Accept love
  20. Do something in Vegas that stays in Vegas

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

A Change of Seasons

I have walked for nearly 10 hours straight. Mostly uphill. My feet are blistered. My face is sunburned. My lips are chapped. I will certainly have a bladder infection after a gallon of water and no bathroom in sight.
I have been cussed at and called foul names. Threatened and intimidated. Chased by pitbulls and loved on by stray cats. I have had deep conversations with half naked men. I have sat in homes where most people would not even consider knocking on the door. I have heard stories of despair told with eyes full of hope. I have held a sick baby closely so his mother could have a voice.
If I swayed just one person today (or in the past few months), if I got just one person to the polls, if I gave one person a feeling of hope....then it has all been worth it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Help Wanted

Personal stylist for mini fashionista needed asap. Star studded resume a must. Certificate in Diva Management preferred. Ability to work exclusively in shades of pink required. Strict adherence to Her Majesty's fashion rules is imperative. Dislike of Hannah Montana and Camp Rock are essential. Knowledge of kiddie couture a prerequisite. Flexibility, patience and creativity are crucial. Serious inquiries only.  

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Azzdate Version 5.0

So, I bet you all thought we were over the azzdates. No such luck. I can continue to tell glorious tales of Amonte's holey ass. We spent the entire summer battling last years wounds and attending tons of medical appointments with a variety of specialists. As you can imagine Amonte was thrilled to spend his vacation OUT of the water and with his mom packing his butt everyday. By August he was all cleared up and *gasp* even got to go swimming. Oh the wonder of it all! Can you just picture me doing the cabbage patch!!!

But then August 16th rolled around. And what pray tell is so horrid about the middle of August? Well, that is when two more ugly cysts reared their nasty heads. It's now October. And guess what? After a ton of appointments, two more surgeries and a hospitalization...we are back to daily ass packin'. Lovely, no?

The good news (well not really) is that we have a diagnosis. Apparently Amonte's ever so generous sperm donor gifted him with a very rare genetic skin condition called Steatocystoma Multiplex (SM). There is no cure. There is really no treatment. To make matters worse Amonte's symptoms are not presenting in typical SM fashion. University of Michigan is perplexed. His dermatologist is a BEEEotch. The drugs have icky side effects. Our case manager at the insurance company is a dimwit. We have a diagnosis-but yet we are headed nowhere fast.

The quicksand is sucking us both in. Fuck. I hope Amonte's dressings will keep us afloat.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Crazy Eights

I can't believe after my long absence that I even have any readers left! But I do and Denise even tagged me!

8Favorite Tv Shows

  • House
  • Intervention
  • Hell's Kitchen (can't wait for the next one)
  • VH1 reality trash
  • It's always Sunny in Philadelphia
  • John and Kate Plus 8
  • Nancy Grace
  • Chelsea Lately

8 Favorite Restaurants

  • Belle Notte
  • Olive Garden
  • Mongolian Barbecue
  • Los Tres Amigos
  • Anna's
  • Zola's
  • The Blue Nile
  • Joe's Crab Shack

8 Things I Did Yesterday

  • Cried
  • Worked in the Obama office
  • Read Madeline loves Animals about 100 times
  • Fought with the insurance company
  • Used the auto button to lift the trunk on my van and hit the car behind me
  • Sang at the top of my lungs
  • Wore a pipe cleaner bracelet made by Peyton
  • Marveled at the beauty of my sleeping children

8 Things I Love About Fall

  • Halloween
  • Trips to the orchard
  • Picking out and Carving pumpkins
  • Ghosting our family and friends
  • Taking pics of the kids playing in the leaves
  • Sleeping under my comforter
  • My kids excitement over their costumes
  • Hanging my black rose and skull wreath

8 Things I Look Forward To

  • Election day
  • Thanksgiving
  • Church on Sunday
  • Pay day
  • Getting the kids off the bus each day
  • Sleeping in
  • Dinner out
  • Shopping with friends

8 Things I wish For

  • A cure for Amonte
  • To hear Ava say "I love you"
  • For Peyton to harness his energy and creativeness
  • For Cade to always want to snuggle with me
  • For Mark to be the man that I married
  • World Peace
  • A ban on Bratz dolls
  • To be a perfect size 6

I won't tag anyone...but if you want to play along....

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Seven Thieves

A few weeks ago I Twittered asking forgiveness from those I may have wronged. I was immediately inundated with emails asking me if I was ok. I was in fact ok. When I finally realized that I was a total nut I knew I had to get help. I was on meds. I was in counseling. I was doing all of the things that were supposed to make me "better"-but yet I was failing. I was failing spiritually. I had become slack in attending church. I had stopped meditating. I was looking inside and criticizing the filth that had built up. But I wasn't working on coming clean. Not just to myself. But also to those I cared about. Covering it up with a pretty coat of white paint. Still dirty underneath.

Someone who knew my pain gave me The Way. Kabbalah started to give me insight and clarity. Comfort. It enhanced my growth as a christian. Kabbalah gave me the tools to begin transforming myself. The means to let go.

The red string is tied in love. The Twitter was my daily "tune up". An exercise in activating my potential. And no one should worry. I won't go all Madonna on you.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Molehills into Mountains

Since this blog was meant to be a journal of sorts I have lots to update. Letters scratched on napkins, words and events to preserve, photos to cherish, milestones to commemorate. It seems overwhelming to have so much to catch up on when life continues to move forward. I always feel like I'm behind. Not just on my blog-laundry, bills, photos, baby books, scrapbooks. I'm trying to do bits and pieces everyday and enjoy any progress. It seems so easy to build Mountains and so difficult to climb them.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Back in the Saddle

Nearly six months ago the carefully crafted network of thin strings that had lovingly held me together began to fray. First slowly, they loosened and slacked. Then with amazing speed they meticulously destroyed the blueprint of my sanity.

I stopped sleeping. Instead I crept out of bed at night and drove dark country roads. The windows down and music blaring. Thoughts in my head whirling.

Food was no longer necessary or pleasant. I blamed it on my meds. Really, there was simply no life to feed. I began to weigh myself 5 times a day.

I pulled my hair out strand by strand until I had a dime sized bald spot. I took ice cold showers. I watched myself bleed. But yet I felt no pain.

I'm not sure I even recognized it was happening. Of course I felt a thread go every now and again. But somehow I remained oblivious to the fact that I was rapidly coming undone. Until I couldn't breathe. It's strange how strong and undeniable the urge to breathe is. The air around me felt heavy and wet-constantly. I struggled to catch it's life and fill my lungs.

I have had to look hard at myself. I have not liked all that I have seen. I have had to weave my thread bare strings together-to make them stronger. With each new day I breathe a little easier. I love myself a little more. Slowly, I am finding peace.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

5 Taters and counting

Dear Cade-
Five years old. It's hard to believe. Time has gone by so fast. I should have known from day one that you would be my greatest challenge in life. Your stubbornness is truly amazing. I have never met anyone as determined as you. My greatest hope is that you can channel it into something positive. That it will be a strength and not a detriment. Sometimes it's easy for your other qualities to be hidden by your tough exterior. But you are truly a gentle giant. You are so loving and affectionate. You are amazing with animals and babies. You have a goofy sense of humor and a wacky creative streak. Your laughter is infectious. And when I truly look at you-it's those qualities that I see....not the glitter glue, the baby powder or the spray paint or what ever other mischief you have caused. But the softness behind those beautiful blue eyes.
I love you Tater.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Boo Hiss

Ava has a habit. It's more potent than crack. No, I'm not talking about my boobs-although those are apparently highly addictive too. This trumps princesses, pink and chocolate. Serious stuff huh? So how-pray tell- did she get her hands on something so potent? Easy peasy. We gave it to her. Knowing full freaking well she would get hooked and need an intervention worthy
of A & E.

So currently I am in the planning phase. Examining the steps needed to break this vicious cycle-hopefully without bringing everyone in the love shack to their knees.

Gather information about local treatment options and find one.
So the yellow pages and google offered up nothing. Apparently this has to be a
grass roots movement.

Make a clear plan.
Everytime I set a plan in motion something happens. She gets sick or ends up
in the company of an enabler.

Confront the problem.
I have done this with her. She steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that she has an issue.

Be as firm and specific as possible.
I'm a huge sucker.

Show her the reality of the situation.
She is two. This is her reality.

Ask others to help.
This is where you come in.

Don't be afraid to say how you really feel.
Hmmm. How do I feel?

Get professional help.
Again, no specialists in this area of addiction.

Set consequences for the problem.
Obviously this has to happen. Which ones to use? Or do rewards work better?

Offer hope in solving the problem.
I'm hopeful that nobody has ever gone to college with this disorder. However,
there was a girl in my High School that as far as I know never kicked it.

I'm ready. To do battle with the will of a toddler. To destroy what has become second nature to her. Her "boo" is history. No more pacifying her with the pacifier.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Shut Yo Mouth

Happy Memorial Day all! Hope that you are all having a wonderful holiday. I can't think of anything related to the day so you are stuck with what is roaming in my head.

My sweet little Cade has a horrible potty mouth. He loves to say things to push your buttons. Shock value is even better. I have tried everything. Both appropriate and inappropriate. Nothing curtails his foul tongue.

  • Ignore it-Check
  • Soap-Check
  • Sassy Sauce (AKA vinegar)-Check
  • Rewards-Check
  • Punishment-Check
  • Charts-Check
  • Discussion-Check
And yet the language continues. This goes far beyond the usual toilet talk (you know about poop) that occurs at this age. I am seriously at the end of my rope with it. Hence the soap and sassy sauce..two things I swore I would never do. Some of Cade's favorite things to say:
  • Anything regarding bodily functions and add a body part (ex-poophead)
Then throw in some:
  • Dumb ass
  • Stupid
  • Stupid ass
  • Stupid ass muttey mutt Mama
  • Idiot
  • I hate you (or add any name there)
  • Fucker
And then to really get me upset:
  • I'm stupid
  • I'm an idiot
  • I hate myself
  • Nobody loves me
Let me be clear that we do not tolerate name calling at the love shack. I have never told my children that they are stupid, dumb ect. Nor have I EVER said that I hate them. I won't say I have never sworn in front of them...that would be a lie. Cade seems to get such immense pleasure out using his obnoxious verbage.
  • Why?
  • What do I do?
  • Is duct tape a crime?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Never Surrender

I feel as if I am surrounded by sabatogers. Waiting in the distance for a crack in the armour. Not just working against me, but people and their dreams in general. I'm fighting against my internal underminings. Waging war against workplace subversion. Defending those whose wishes are repeatedly ignored and deamened. I shall not wave my white flag. So if you don't have anything nice or positive to say or if you're simply too ignorant to know how defeating your words are- go find some place else to play.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Cutie Cum Laude

Dear Cade,

I hate to admit it but I had serious doubts about placing you in preschool last year. It wasn't only that you were starting in the middle of the year-I just didn't think you were ready. You had just potty trained, were still taking a nap and averaging at least one huge melt down a day. You were constantly pushing everyone's buttons. You were demanding and inpatient. I was terrified that you would be "that kid"...the one none of the parents can stand. I'm happy to say that I was COMPLETELY wrong.

Tonight you graduated from preschool. Your years unmarred by incident. You were nothing short of a model student. Attentive, curious and polite. You made friends easily and were well liked by both your peers and your teachers. The "Cade Man" has been loved by all.

It's hard to watch my baby boy end this chapter of his childhood. But I do it safe in the knowledge that you will be successful. You are not "that kid". You are my kid. My big boy. I'm so very proud of you.

I love you with all my heart,

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Bronze? Are you kidding me?

As of one week ago Mark and I have been married for 8 years. 8 long years. I have had several people ask me why I don't mention Mark often or discuss our marriage. The answer to that is simple really. It could be used against me in a court of law. I'm only sort of kidding.

Our marriage has never been easy. We our complete and total opposites. We are diametrically opposed to nearly everything the other believes. Yet some how we are still together.

There are days like today (frequently) that I have to remind myself exactly why I fell in love with him in the first place:

  • His sense of humor
  • His pretty blue eyes and easy smile
  • His ability to make people feel welcome
  • He makes awesome potatoes
  • He does dishes
  • He packs big heat and knows how to use it
Now this may not seem like much. But most days it's what keeps me out of divorce court...or worse yet...prison.

Ps: I did not get bronze...I got a watch. He has been trained well.

Monday, May 19, 2008

This is the end

Last week was a crazy, busy, emotional roller coaster. I am dealing with an issue that directly impacts my family but I do not feel is appropriate to share right now. I'm trying to respect the person who "owns the problem". I am generally a non confrontational person (hard to believe huh?) but this has required me to step outside my comfort zone and I am worried that a good friendship is going to be ruined. *sigh* Anyway. I thought I would just do a quick update of last week but there were a few things I feel deserve their own post. Thanks for bearing with me!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Oh Mother

Fifty things I have learned from being a mom. No, you can't take a class either. It is all on the job, hands on training. Try not to be jealous.

  1. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt
  2. Silence really is golden...but only if they are all asleep
  3. Infection control
  4. The number for poison control
  5. First Aid
  6. How to make home made play dough
  7. How to remove neon food coloring from carpet and walls
  8. Never to wash and dry bed sheets covered in glitter glue
  9. How to change a diaper on an airplane
  10. To organize and maintain 6 peoples schedules
  11. How to use a nasal aspirator without waking a baby
  12. To evaluate any toys potential use as a weapon
  13. To judge the number of diaper wipes you will need within 1 before you even open the soiled nappy up
  14. Ice removes gum
  15. Goo be Gone is a must
  16. Never leave the house without nail clippers
  17. 10 edible ways to make and serve Kraft Mac N Cheese
  18. How to hold a slippery naked toddler in the shower-without breaking your neck
  19. Cat litter is a choking hazard
  20. Purple pedialyte causes neon green poop
  21. Amazing things can fit in ears and noses
  22. Frozen peas make great ice compresses
  23. Box's are awesome Christmas and Birthday gifts
  24. If you hear laughter you'd better look
  25. Bathtub crayons are not necessarily washable
  26. Finding a spider is less frightening then what you may find in pockets
  27. Don't take things personally
  28. Sleep is a luxury
  29. Laugh alot
  30. It's over too soon
  31. If the phone rings once at 3am-check your teenagers
  32. How to remove vomit from berber carpet
  33. Chapstick is edible
  34. Kisses work better than band aids
  35. It's ok to go to bed mad
  36. Pick your battles wisely
  37. Be careful what you may come back and bite you in the ass
  38. How to take care of a car sick toddler at 80 miles an hour
  39. You can survive without eating green vegetables
  40. It's ok to sleep in your rain boots
  41. Worms make good pets
  42. Multi tasking is not optional-it's mandatory
  43. A Magic Eraser can be your best friend
  44. Sharpies do not make good eyebrow pencils or lipsticks
  45. Toddlers shouldn't shave without supervision
  46. Cabbage patch heads will explode if left in a hot dryer too long
  47. Security blankets are better when they are stinky
  48. Nail polish is hard to get out of hair
  49. Pantyliner's are really just giant stickers
  50. If you call a cheese stick a cheese sucker they will eat it
Happy Mother's Day!!!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Longest Post about Nothing Ever

Yesterday was one of those days that just never stopped. I was up at 6 and out the door by 7:45. Dropped Cade at school and headed to my ritualistic Tuesday morning counseling session. Spent an hour working on my self esteem issues. Left feeling as if I had been hit by a truck. Returned home and took one look at Peyton's shaggy hair and thought "damn". His spring concert was that evening and he looked like an urchin. Plus we was to wear "spring clothes" and the kid grew a foot over the winter...leaving him basically with nothing.

I picked Cade up at 11 with Peyton, Ava and dear hubby in tow and headed to our illustrious mall. Our mall doesn't even have a food court if that tells you anything. Peyton is OBSESSED with Tom Morrello from Rage Against the Machine. Tom happens to be bald. I think this may have something to do with the fact that he is in his 40's but Peyton is sure it is a fashion statement. After much debate I agreed to let him have it cut down to the scalp. It was a darn good thing too...because she found a huge blood sucking tick embedded in his little egg head. After I nearly died from humiliation I came around enough to worry about Lyme disease. I quickly called the health dept and they said as long as his little friend was alive we could drop him by and have him tested. I will NEVER put my kids to bed after ball practice without checking their craniums for critters again.

Cade also got a new do. The mohawk he has been wanted for a year. First I had her cut it into a fau hawk. He was not pleased at all. So I figured what the hell. I let one kid shave it bald I may as well let him have his beloved hawk. It actually turned out pretty cute. I wish I would have taken before and during photos-but I'm a slacker and I was having PTSD from the whole blood filled microorganism thing.

Not a great pic but Cade with his "hawk"

Peyton now bald, with tick removed.

Then it was on a mission to find an outfit for Peyton's evening festivities. I picked out the cutest shorts and top and thought I was done. However, the shorts had a faint pink line in them. Peyton announced at the top of his lungs that he was "not wearing pink ever" and whined that I was trying to "make him a girl". I sent him out to wait with Mark and picked a more manly orange top and some plaid shorts. I was rather proud that I managed to escape the evil clutches of the Gap with no purchases for Her Majesty. Will wonders never cease???

Next we had the misfortune of eating at Applebee's. It literally is the only place to dine in the mall unless you want pretzels. It is always horrible and I have no clue why we continue to put ourselves at risk for food poisoning. The kids behaved about equal to the service we had. Lovely meal. Wonderful company.

Finally, I made the mistake of dropping into one of the shoe stores in search of sandals for the boys. I found some really cute Nike's marked $9.99 in each of their sizes. When I had Mark bring them into try them on only Cade like them. To make a long story short we headed to the cashier with a pair of sandals for Cade and some Crocs for Ava. This particular store only keeps 1 shoe in a box and they have to go to the back and get a mate. No big deal right? Well 20 minutes later she brings us a mate for Cade, same size, same type of shoe, but different style. WTF. 10 minutes later I find the mate and they ring up at $19.99. They could have been $50 at this point and I wouldn't have cared. I just wanted the hell out of there. Peyton decided he wanted Skeechers Airators so we headed to JCPenney's. Quickly found them and thought we were on our way when we realized Ava was carrying a purse full of hair goodies from the shoe store. We walked them back and the lovely sales girl had no clue.

Finally we took Peyton's little blood sucking friend to the health department for eval. They assured Mark it was a dog tick but sent it off for testing. Peyton spent the rest of the evening telling people he had a dog "dick" in his hair. Nice.

We somehow managed to get everyone out the door and to the concert not only on time but CLEAN. I know I was stunned too! The moment we sat down Amonte asked for money for a drink and then disappeared and never came back. The concert was fun and the kids all did a great job.

Cade and his friend trying to scare me.

Ava when she saw her brother on the stage.
Peyton posing after a great success.

Ava busted for throwing rocks.

As we were leaving Amonte showed up. Apparently he had decided to go time for the track team. Peyton was not amused at all by this. His feelings were quiet hurt. I was totally pissed but Amonte cares less what I think or feel. I do believe he felt bad for wounding his brother. Peyton is still making him pay for it today.

We finished up the evening at The Dairy Queen which was a total mad house. There were several ball teams there and lots of families from the concert. We got the kids their goodies and let them eat them in the back of the truck. Ava made a complete mess and managed to look adorable while doing so.

Needless to say everyone was wiped out and went to bed with no major drama. Yet another miracle. I'm not worthy.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Cleaning out my Bloggy Closet

As you may have noticed my blog has a new look. I'd like to thank the ever talented Jill for the new header. I adore vintage tattoos (and am considering getting a sparrow soon) so this was perfect! Teeni commented that she missed the "now let's go shopping"...I think I do too...but I also miss "quick get the duct tape". I agonize over this stuff wayyyyy too much. I'm just trying to find a theme that works for me and that I can leave alone.

Anywho. You may have noticed that I have been posting very often or visiting as frequently. There are several reasons for this. For starters the "man" pretty much has me on lock down during the 9-5. Then, you have the fact that I am freaking lazy. Top it off with the HOURS I spend reading and writing and it just became too much. I started to not even care if I posted and felt way too much guilt about not commenting. So basically I am giving myself 30 minutes a day to read and post. Anymore than that and I find I am neglecting other things that I enjoy doing and giving up much needed sleep.

So hopefully you will still love me!!!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Spring Fever

I have once again been tagged for 6 random things about me by Reiza (who had some interesting facts of her own) and by Krissa of HalfAsstic (isn't that the funniest name???) Since we are hopefully headed into some nicer weather and I have major spring fever that shall be my theme for this meme!

  1. I would rather be hot than cold.
  2. That being said-I don't like to sweat.
  3. Even if it is 100 degrees out I have to sleep covered up.
  4. I have never, ever, even started a lawn mower.
  5. I do not do manual labor.
  6. I do not garden. In any way.
  7. I have a black thumb.
  8. I do not tan. Ever. Needless to say I am rather pale.
  9. I love to swim in a pool.
  10. I hate to swim in lakes. Especially mucky ones. Where the earth oozes between your toes.
  11. I am a mosquito magnet.
  12. Despite being a "girly girl" I enjoy camping.

Are you guys tired of me yet?

Breastmilk Kegger

Ava has not been weaned yet. Quiet frankly I don't see it happening anytime real soon. She clearly does not want to stop nursing. Since she is most likely my last baby-I am not in a real big hurry either. Sometimes it can be a bit frustrating as she has gotten rather demanding about it. There is nothing subtle about a toddler poking you in the chest and shouting "eat". But for the most part I think we are both pretty happy in our co-dependence. Plus I feel happy to be in good company. The always memorable Marie has rented her uterus again and is expecting another sweetie...curious as to the gender? Follow the trail...go see CookieBitch for another teaser...

Considering only 20 % of American women breastfeed past 6 months I guess Ava and I are a freak show. Pretty much anyone who is aware of our situation feels the need to express their opinion-freely. In general these are not words of encouragement and support. Mostly
criticism and disgust. Recently a co-worker commented "well you never see anyone nurse a baby that old". That would be because people like you make people like me closet nursers. I think you would be surprised how many women nurse in secret or have weaned all together because of condemnation. I myself am ashamed to admit that I no longer nurse Ava in public because I am so weary of the stares, whispers and sometimes down right rude comments.
Does it matter to anyone that The American Academy of Pediatrics encourages mothers to breastfeed exclusively for six months, and there after, breastfeed along with other foods for at least a year, and then, for as long as the baby and mother mutually choose? (The American Academy of Family Practitioners agrees.) Or that The American Dietetic Association recommends breastfeeding for at least one year? How about that The World Health Organization encourages breastfeeding for at least two years?

In Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives, Katherine Dettwyler (an anthropologist) wrote about the natural age of weaning for humans, meaning the length of time humans would likely nurse if cultural expectations did not interfere:

From a biological perspective Dettwyler, has studied the
weaning patterns of other large primates and has theorized that an accurate rule of thumb for
weaning would be when baby quadruples its birth weight (7 X 4= 28 months) or has lived six times its gestation age (6 X 9= 54 months). Dettwyler "does advocate that medical professionals and paraprofessionals, family members, friends, acquaintances and even strangers recognize that human children, like their nonhuman primate relatives are designed to expect all the benefits of breast milk and breastfeeding for a minimum of two and a half years. The information that three or four years of breastfeeding, or even longer, is both normal and appropriate for human infants should be disseminated to heath care professionals and parents alike."

The fact is children will self wean. The actual age of self weaning in the US is between 2 and 1/2 to 3 years. Substantially less than biology would suggest and not so late that you have to worry about sending them to college on the boob. I mean really, do you know anyone who spent their college days nursing and beer bonging?

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Back Off

If you CHOOSE to not participate in making decisions that affect you and your family then you may not under any circumstances criticize, blame, belittle or judge the decision maker or the outcome of any said decision. Enough said.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Cold Blooded Killer

Norm has usually been pottied and put to bed by the time Mark gets home from work. However Saturday I got home from work late which meant Norm received his meal way past his usual time. So Mark was left to put him out before bed. Not really that much of a chore.

Sunday morning Peyton put him out and I headed to church. When I returned home Norm was napping in his crate. I noticed an odor and thought that I had better wash his blankets...after I took my nap with Ava.

Later in the afternoon Peyton came SCREAMING into the kitchen "Norm has a rabbit!!! I looked out to see Norm happily carrying the upper portion of a cuddly bunny around the back yard. Gleefully throwing it into the air and catching it, then shaking it wildly. I hollered at him to drop it and he completely ignored me. I do NOT do carcasses. Especially those of cute, fuzzy critters. Luckily my neighbor was home and he quickly came over to take care of it for me. Aside from some tears from Ava and Cade I thought the carnage was over.

While I was getting Ava ready for bed it dawned on me...or should I say the smell reminded me...that I still needed to wash the rabbit killers blankets. So I went to his crate and got on my knees. I reached into his den, grabbed a blanket and pulled it out. Like a scene from Fatal Attraction intestines from a petite lapin fell in to my lap. I jumped up screaming like a B movie queen and scared Her Majesty's half to death.

I managed to beg Amonte to put the remains and blankets into the trash. I was left to clean the crate. Complete with blood, bunny hair and a tooth. Needless to say I did not sleep well last night.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Ticketmaster Sucks

So much for seeing His Holiness. For some reason there was an issue with Ticketmaster and now all of the seats are sold out. Well, that is a lie-they do have some $1000 donor seats. Do you think anyone might be selling them outside??? I Wonder if Mom will babysit anyway.....

TFT: An Affair to Remember

There is a special man that has been in my life for 12 years. He was there the day I graduated from nursing school. I was with him hours before my wedding. He has loved me from skinny to fat. He never tells me no. He always makes time for me. He listens to my thoughts, my dreams and my fears. He makes me laugh-loud. He can make me blush like a school girl. He makes me feel beautiful and confident.

I am ashamed to admit it-but I have cheated on him. More than once. I have never been happy about it. There is nobody better. But at times I have been desperate and in need of a quick fix. He knows about some of these affairs. He has never said a word. He never makes me feel small or judged. He takes me back with open arms. My recent indiscretion is too obvious and bold to let slide though. I found someone else when he was too sick to care for me. Not only that, but this person is his friend. However, his substitute did not exceed my expectations and now I need him more than ever.

How on earth do I tell my hairdresser I have been unfaithful to him again???? And get him to fix my hair....

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Power of Negative Thinking

I'm sure all of you have been on the edge of your seats waiting to hear about our mini spring break get away:

As you know this has been a very difficult winter for my family. Even though we certainly could not financially afford to do anything magical for break-I felt as if we all deserved a little break and hoped it would lift our spirits.

Thursday am started with a quick trip to the beauty shop to make me a little more presentable. After the Marilyn Manson do was tamed we set off to The Great Wolf Lodge in Sandusky Ohio-about a 2 1/2 hour road trip.

As most of you know traveling with small children can be challenging, infuriating and disappointing. I have found that expecting the worst makes it much more bearable. I am less irritated when Peyton barfs in the car-I knew it was coming. I don't want to plug my ears and scream at the 100th "are we almost there". I accept the fact that they will whine and complain despite the effort and expense we have put forth. Then when they actually enjoy themselves or god forbid behave it's like a little gift. Putting away the unrealistic expectations of the "perfect family vacation" allows the mayhem to be...dare I say...enjoyable?

After the usual fighting, potty stops, snack spills, vomiting and temperature complaints Ava and Cade fell asleep and stayed that way for the last hour on the road. They woke when we pulled into the lodge and they were all oozing with excitement.

Since the whole draw of the lodge is the water park we quickly headed that way. The boys were amazed (as was Mark). However, Her Majesty was less then impressed. In the center of the park is a giant bucket. As the water level in the bucket reaches the top a bell begins to ring. Then gallons of water pour down on to the waiting crowd. This is followed by a heavy mist that blasts the surrounding area. She was totally freaked out. We spent the entire day with her clinging to me like a baby monkey while I downed Pina Coladas. After dinner I did not even attempt to take her back. Mark and the boys went and stayed till close.

Suggestion of entering the water!

The bell is ringing!

The water's dumping!

The mist is blowing!

We spent the whole next day at the water park. After several hours and much pleading I managed to convince Ava to get in the hot tub. That seemed to make her a little more willing to explore. I was then able to get her into the kiddie area to at least splash a bit. She staunchly refused to go down even the tiniest slide. So again I spent most of the day people watching, drinking Pina Coladas and calming her when the bell would start ringing.

The boys were crazy little fish that I hardly saw either day. They went down every slide, had the bucket dumped on them to many times to count and found girlfriends. Huh. Come to think of it I hardly saw Mark either...maybe he had a bikini babe too.

Best Buddies!!!

That evening we went to the clock tower to watch a "bedtime show". The boys were a little bored but Ava really got into it. She put on just as much of a performance as the figurines did. She was dancing and singing up a storm. At bedtime Cade told me it "was the best day ever" and Peyton thanked us for bringing them! SHOCKER!

We headed out early Saturday since Mark had to work. They each picked out something special. Peyton choose a shirt and Cade and Ava grabbed up stuffed wolves. Ava's has been dubbed Willow and it is her constant companion. Too bad the damn thing is-or I should say was-white.

Amonte elected to stay home which I had mixed feelings about. He would not have been able to swim and I think he would have been bored to death. But I missed him and spent the whole time worrying about him. I'm sure I called too often for his liking. I was impressed that when we got home the house was still standing and he had taken care of the dog. I think he really enjoyed having a break from the kids.

We are now suffering the financial consequences of our excursion. But you know what? It was worth it. We all had a good time and my kids exceeded my more realistic expectations. I look forward to our next great adventure.

His Holiness

I am so excited I can hardly stand it! On Saturday, Amonte and I are going to Ann Arbor to hear the Dalai Lama speak. We are attending two-two hour sessions on "Engaging Wisdom and Compassion". Big thanks to mom for watching the terrorists so Amonte and I can become more enlightened!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Jose Eber 911

Note to self:

Just because your best friend's sister is a stylist in an upscale salon does not mean that you should allow your bff (who is a therapist) to color your hair. Well, at least the gray is covered.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Carnival of Crazy: Admission free

I have been tagged by LeeAnn and Anne for seven random things about me. I truly must be a giant freak show because I can always come up with something random and usually a bit odd.

  1. I have two tattoos and plan to have more. I love the way it feels.
  2. I used to have my belly button pierced but then I got fat. Nobody wants to see that.
  3. I have tons of chicken pox scars. I had an absolutely horrid case.
  4. When I worked public health my entire office was struck by head lice...including me.
  5. When I was pregnant with Ava I wanted to drink Tide...but I didn't.
  6. I never wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to work in fashion.
  7. I have been clinically depressed since elementary school.
  8. I got drunk for the first time in 6th grade.
  9. I used to party with rock stars.
  10. I hit a cop car-but didn't get a ticket :)
  11. I have been to driver improvement twice.
  12. Once, I threw up a jellyfish.
  13. I hate yellow gold.
  14. I never go anywhere without mascara.
I really stink at tagging people. If you want me to get to know you better go ahead and post seven JUICY things about you.

Ok and try to act shocked. I have more bling. It's The Daily Dose Award. As I am one of witchypoo's daily must reads. Now, I know I am her cyber bitch and all but don't be hate'n.

I am to give this to three of my daily must reads. That is a hard one! Do you think Perez Hilton would accept it? No? Well then : Law student Hot Mama (especially since I screwed up her last award!), Don Mills Diva and Melinda.

No June Cleaver

Days like Tuesday, when I left Ava at the sitters knowing she was sick-I wish I could be at home. Days like Wednesday when I left the kids at the sitter and not a single one of them even wanted to kiss me goodbye-I wish I could be at home.

But for the most part I have no desire to be a stay at home mom. I tried it once and it was not pretty. I'm not structured, scheduled or consistent enough. It was total mayhem seven days a week. Nobody ever knew what was coming next, including me. I had all these grand ideas of field trips, crafts and home cooked meals. What I got was not what I had bargained for.

I'm a better mom when I work. I appreciate my time with my kids more. I look forward to days off with them. They have a schedule...a sheer necessity. No, it's not always easy. Sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions. I feel guilty a lot.

I have an awesome sitter and that helps. She is all of the things that I am not. My kids eat well balanced meals and are not learning to swear in five different languages when they are with her. She loves them as much as I do. She cares for them like they are her own. Without her I could not manage. It would be unbearable to be away from them all day and not know that they were completely safe.

I think it's easy for women to judge each other. To criticize another womans decisions. No, I probably don't have to work. We could manage. We would have to do without a lot. Mostly my sanity.

If you know a stay at home mom recognize how difficult her job is. If you know a working mother don't assume she doesn't care about the well being of her kids. If you have an awesome care provider thank her every chance you get and make sure she knows how much you appreciate her!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Who Punk'd Peter Rabbit?

Ava in line for the Easter bunny. Literally shaking in her ballet flats.

Ava when I told her we were next. That is not a look of excitement.

Cade in line...not being a "fraidy cat".

This was as close as Cade got to the bunny.

Ava when I told her the Easter bunny was coming!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Easter Revival

Holidays are always chaotic at the love shack and Easter was no exception. As with most occasions I am the one solely responsible for making memories and magic.

Friday, which as I shared before, was a rather lovely day. After our little fender bender I took Cade, Ava and Amonte to the mall to see the Easter bunny. Peyton begged out insisting that the Easter bunny is "gay" and he was simply too "old" to participate in such nonsense. Amonte of course really is too old to see the rabbit-he was just along to look at girls. Cade swore for at least a week that he was "not a fraidy cat" and that the bunny is "harmless". Once we got in line it was a whole another story. We waited at least a half hour with him saying he was going to sit with the bunny -but looking rather anxious. Ava freaked the moment she saw the critter and spent the time clinging to my leg and chewing on her shirt. We never made it past the entrance before they both completely lost it. So no pics this year. I do however have lots of pics of them waiting in line. But for some reason I can't get them up on blogger.

Of course there was also the shopping for things that don't actually exist (but do in the mind of a four year old), searching for things that exist but are impossible to find and returning of purchases made in dire hopes of making up for the inability to procure unobtainable goodies. In the end everyone was happy with their baskets. Well, I say everyone. I have no clue how Amonte felt about his as he spent the weekend at his sperm donors-returned home-went to his room and shut the door never to be heard from again. I have noticed the candy litter on the bedroom floor and Peyton informed me he had watched his movie so I can assume he was pleased.

Easter day was spent lazing around. As we had our dinner on Friday I really didn't feel it necessary to repeat it for just the terrorists and me. They were plenty happy snacking on their baskets. We passed on hunting for eggs in eight inches of snow, but we did manage to color a few dozen. Ava had great fun and kept drinking the egg bath. Luckily it was non-toxic as I don't think I could maintain any amount of sanity with another ER visit. Peyton and Cade tossed a couple at each other-thankfully after they were boiled so no harm. Next year our goal is to make it out of our pj's.

Hope you had a wonderful Easter. Maybe the pics will load later...

Monday, March 24, 2008

Dentist is a PUSHER

Peyton will be a happy drunk. Either that or he'll be the one that you can not convince has had a few too many. I'm not sure which, but I am hoping for the first. Curious as to how I know this? No, I did not ply him with green ale or whiskey on St Patrick's day. Nor do I leave full shot glasses laying around. What kind of a mother do you think I am. Uhh...don't answer that.

About a month and a half ago Peyton's two lower "big" teeth came in behind his baby ones. Although the babies were loose they were not ready to come out and Peyton was a bit squeamish about helping them. He has been blessed with my narrow palate and there is simply not enough room for his adult teeth. The dentist recommended pulling the bottom four. Peyton has always done extremely well at the dentist, but at his last exam they tried to take x rays and he FREAKED out. So they scheduled us for a return visit where he could be sedated. Thus saving them from inevitably having to wear hearing aids.

Last Tuesday we arrived at 8 am for Peyton to be medicated. He chugged down a glass of versed cocktail like a college frat boy. Then we sat in the lobby and waited for it to take affect. Soon he was giggly, babbling incoherently and hallucinating. He was extremely amusing to the entire waiting room which he was enjoying even in his diminished capacity. However, he kept insisting that he could get up and walk. He dropped his book and as I bent down to get it so did he. He promptly fell of the bench and laid splayed all over the floor cracking up.

He went through the extractions without incident and spent the rest of the day laying on the couch dozing and bossing me around. During this time we had numerous conversations about the Tooth Fairy. Peyton was extremely interested as to why she would want his teeth. Cade said that she eats them like popcorn and that they are her favorite food. Peyton thinks she is a little girl who doesn't want to grow up. Every time she looses a baby tooth she replaces it with someone else's.

At bedtime we placed his four pearly whites into a tiny box and put them lovingly under his pillow. He decided to sleep at the other end of his bed. He was very concerned that he would swallow her or perhaps roll over and crush her tiny body. I crept in later and placed a book, four crisp one dollar bills and a note under his pillow. In my teeny, tiniest handwriting I wrote a note from the Tooth Fairy thanking him for so many beautiful teeth. He was thrilled the next morning.

Now the teeth are in my underwear drawer and will shortly be thrown away. I have had several people tell me that they keep their kids teeth. EWWWW.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Pass the Guiness!!

An Irish Blessing

May the blessing of the rain be on you

—the soft sweet rain.

May it fall upon your spirit

so that all the little flowers may spring up,

and shed their sweetness on the air.

May the blessing of the great rains be on you,

may they beat upon your spirit

and wash it fair and clean,

and leave there many a shining pool

where the blue of heaven shines,

and sometimes a star.

Happy St Patricks day! Drink a few beers for me! Damn carbs :(

Saturday, March 15, 2008


Yes! That is the word tattooed on my forehead. I even think I may have been born with it. I some how got Tom Sawyered into both taking and picking Amonte up from the freaking teen club. Did I mention it closes at 1am? Or that I have been up since 6 am? Or that I am in carb withdrawal and have a KILLER headache. It is now nearly 12:45. By the time I get back with him Ava should be waking up for her post midnight boob. Cade will be up at 6-"It's morning time mom. When are you gonna get up?" Next will be Peyton-"It's Sunday are you gonna go get me donuts". I am a slave. Shackled by their cuteness, their cuddles and occasional compliments. I wonder how many laser treatments it will take to have this fucker burned off?


Marmarbug tagged me for a meme!!! She loves me.

What were you doing ten years ago? I was working at the U of M in pediatric transplant-killer overtime. Serial dating.

What were you doing one year ago? About the same thing I'm doing now. Pretty lame huh?

Name five of your favorite snacks. Stacy's Cinnamon pita chips, hummus with pita bread, cashews, chocolate covered pretzels and Twizzlers

Name five things you would do if you were a millionaire. Pay off my debt of course, travel to Africa on medical missions, plastic surgery, college funds, lunch with Ekhart Tolle

Name five things you like doing. Reading, sewing, scrapbooking, snuggling with my kids and shopping

Name five things you would never wear again. Big hair, blue eyeshadow, tight ass jeans, a bikini, stretch pants

Name your five favorite "toys". I'll keep this pg. My sewing machine, cell phone, hand held tetris game, guitar hero and pimple extractor

The Proud SAHM tagged me too for 8 things about me. I thought you guys would be sick of my quirks by now but apparently I really am that interesting!

  1. I was voted most eccentric in high school.
  2. I love men with a since of humor (hence my strong attraction to Jack Black and Old Knudsen). Oh and bald men. Men with accents...and kilts. Oh and men with tattoos!
  3. I cry when we pass veal farms.
  4. I have no clue what my natural hair color is. I have been coloring it since the 6th grade.
  5. I though yogurt was ice cream until 1980.
  6. I suffer from motion sickness. You do not want me riding in the back of your van.
  7. I can not sleep with any part of my body hanging off the bed. The monsters under the bed will surely get me.
  8. I HATE basements. Monsters.

I'm horrible at tagging others. I feel guilty when I do (seriously people I have more guilt than any good Catholic). If you want to-consider yourself slapped!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Cat Chow

There is something seriously wrong with Her Majesty. I mean besides the obvious things, like not speaking. Ava loves to watch Animal Planet. Her favs are Meerkat Manor, Living with Wolves (she likes to howl with them) and Giant Cat Diary.
Well the other night we were watching the "big cats". She would become quiet anxious when commercials came on. As if they signaled an end to her viewing pleasure. She was happily chattering away to the cats when I noticed a baby deer like thing hop into view on the screen. Ahhh. Oh no. The horror that is nature was about to unfold before my delicate 2 year olds eyes.
She was fixated as the spotted panther chased down the tiny creature and slaughtered it. With tears in my eyes I turned to look at Ava. I expected a look of sorrow, or confusion. Instead her face was a glow with excitement. She pointed at the TV and began to laugh hysterically. She continued to giggle uncontrollably while the big cat and her baby ripped the little deer to shreds.
Is it any surprise she is a carnivore? What am I raising here people?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Feed me Seymour

Sarcastic Mom aka Lotus had a feeding carnival yesterday. I had good intentions of getting my post done but sadly my family had other ideas. So here I am a day late. But hey, I figure you'd love to hear about my boobies any day.

Let me start by saying I strongly believe that how you feed your baby is a highly personal decision. It is never a choice as simple as breast or bottle. There are so many emotions, personal history's and expectations attached to to nourishing our babies.

I have successfully breastfeed four children for varying degrees of time. But it has not always been easy. Each experience was unique and had its own challenges. But I have to admit that with Cade, I seriously struggled.

The day Cade was born he nursed like a champ. For a glorious 24 hours we had peace. Then I made the mistake of having him circumcised. I personally have strong feelings against circumcision but it was important to my husband. During the circ Cade was given a pacifier. Against my wishes and without my permission. The peace was shattered.

Cade immediately began to refuse the breast. He was suddenly unable to latch. I spent the rest of our stay spoon feeding which did not go over well with the staff. His bilirubin level rose. They told me he would be "retarded" if I didn't give formula. I continued to spoon feed. We were discharged but had to come back daily for bilirubin levels.

The nursery staff barraged me during these checks. Hounding me to give him formula. Even the lactation consultant seemed to blame me. She told me he was over stimulated. I was taking him out too much, too busy. My fault. I left devastated. I was sobbing uncontrollably before I even reached the car.

Once home I continued to struggle at each feeding. Spending at least 30 minutes attempting to nurse while he screamed and then cup feeding him. Pumping, cup feeding, failed attempts. With each day I fell deeper and deeper into a depression. I taught and supported breastfeeding mothers and I couldn't even nurse my own child. I stopped sleeping. I began to pull my hair out. I became anxious, paranoid.

I knew I was in trouble. My ob was amazingly supportive and prescribed meds immediately. Within a week I began to think more clearly. I became indignant. How dare this child not nurse! I became determined. I used all of the resources I had. At 3 weeks old Cade nursed again. It was the middle of the night but I felt the sun shining on us. The weight of those three hideous weeks was lifted. I sobbed tears of joy and relief.

Cade became an expert nurser. So much so that when I returned to work he refused to take a bottle. After three sitters in two weeks I finally found one who would cup feed he had done before. But there was no screaming, no tears, no heartbreak. I knew when I picked him up he would bury his curly blond head in my chest and nurse with ease.

If I had to do it over again would I have been so militant? Would I have allowed my self to become consumed? Would I have accepted our failure and moved on? Maybe, but I know with every bottle I made...the failure, the heartache, the longing would still have been there.

My stubborn little man today

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Shamu Sausage

As some of you know I am a semi-vegan. I NEVER eat red meat. I do not eat eggs. On occasion I will eat pork. I will eat chicken, but only if it is white meat, no veins, no skin. I do eat fish. There are several reasons I abstain from red meat. For one, I think it is disgusting. Secondly, cows are cute. Thirdly, raising cattle is horrible for the environment. Which brings me to my thought:

The Norwegian group: The High North Alliance, which represents the interests of coastal communities in the Arctic(READ THIS AS LOBBYIST GROUP) recently became the first group to measure the carbon foot print of whaling. Norway and Japan (the two primary whale hunting nations) have long been seeking validation of their practices.

The survey, focused on whale boats' fuel use, showed that a kilo (2.2 lbs) of whale meat represented just 1.9 kilo (4.2 lbs) of greenhouse gases against 15.8 for beef, 6.4 for pork and 4.6 for chicken.
"Greenhouse gas emissions caused by one meal of beef are the equivalent of eight meals of whale meat," the study said. (YIKES!)
"Basically it turns out that the best thing you can do for the planet is to eat whale meat compared to other types of meat," said Rune Froevik of the High North Alliance. (WTF?????? Talk about lobbyist propaganda!!!!)
As you can imagine the environmental group Greenpeace dismissed the survey, saying almost every kind of food was more climate friendly than meat and that the threat of extinction was more important.

Now I'm all for being green. I mean I don't eat meat anyway. But if you knew eating whale was better for the environment, better for our children's future, would you put down the steak and grub on some blubber? (BTW do you have any clue how they kill whales? If not then you REALLY don't want to know.)

Just curious. By the way if you are interested in knowing your role in climate change check out your carbon foot print here.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Chunks anyone?

You may have notice from yesterdays post that I was not having a good day. I did manage to get the kids in bed on time and I had just settled down in front of the computer when I heard it. Gagging. I turned around and there is Cade "Me not feel good" in a whiny little voice. I tried to race him to the bathroom but he vomited all over the kitchen floor. While I was cleaning that up (and trying to keep Norm from eating it) he vomited in the bathroom sink. Plugging it up with chunks. Have I mentioned before that I don't do vomit?

I managed to get everything cleaned up with out hurling myself and put him on the couch to watch Casper. When Mark got home from work I warned him that Cade was on the couch and not feeling well. Within 5 minutes Mark was back "we have a problem". When he carried Cade to bed he noticed a horrid smell. Peyton had thrown up in his sleep. It was everywhere. He was covered. Mark actually asked me "should we wake him up?" Are you fucking kidding me???? No let's let him sleep in puke all night.

I woke Peyton and showered him. This time I did blow chunks as it smelled really bad and he was plastered with it. I even had to dig it out of one ear. While I cleaned up the bathroom Mark let Peyton drink an entire bottle of water. Guess who puked in his bed 15 minutes later?

It was a lovely end to a stellar day. Luckily today was emesis free. Just complaints of ouchie tummies.

Now here is the questions:

  • How the hell do you vomit in your sleep and never even wake up?
  • Aside from a time when you were so hammered you passed out-have any of you ever done this?
  • What is the best way to clean chunks of clothes and bedding before you wash it? In the summer I use the hose and power blast it off. Luckily for me Norm managed to gobble some of it off the laundry before I got to it.
  • Is there anything that gets that rank smell out-once carpet cleaner has failed?
Help a sister out!!!

I feel pretty oh so pretty...

As most of you know the past few months have not exactly been a cake walk here at the love shack. There has been illness, drama, frustration and just plain craziness. Seriously without my friends (both real and cyber) and my family I don't know how I would have made it through this time. I feel like it is hopefully winding down. Amonte may be headed back to school soon and things are returning to their normal state of chaos. I have several of you that I want to thank:

Mary, Lisa and Amy: 3 sisters who have been amazingly faithful to both my blog and me personally. They recently sent Amonte a care package that totally made his day and mine. These girls are truly amazing friends, women and mothers.

witchypoo: I may be her cyber bitch but she takes good care of me. She is an awesome listener with a great sense of humor. Full of practical advice and I know her healing vibes have been so helpful in healing Amonte's ass.

Michelle: Who sent me the cutest freakin hello kitty easter book from Etsy. I adore it and can't wait to put easter pics in it. For her friendship and support. She has also started a cyber fat camp. Hopefully with her in my cornerI can loose some pudge. Be watching for that on what shall be know as fat camp Friday. I'm even going to take pics of my fat and post them.

Holly: For listening and friendship. For sending me a super cute purse. And inspiring me to create. I wish my craftiness could equal hers.

My coworkers at big medicine: I know I am prone to bitching about my work and the politics. I try not to do much of it here so I don't get Dooce-ed. But during these past months my boss and co-workers have been amazing. From bringing us meals, cleaning my house, doing my laundry, donating money and vacation time to help us financially. Seriously I'm not sure what I would have done without you.

My mom: For the metric ton of laundry she did and for rushing to the house x2 to watch the kids for er visits.

Jeannine: For listening and more laundry. For being the one person who I know "gets" me.

Andrea: For watching my kids for free so I could take Amonte to his various appts. For taking me to the er and staying all night. For your awesome friendship to me and my children.

All of my readers: I'm a comment whore what can I say. Your comments, support and friendship have made the past few months bearable. I can not thank you enough.



Sunday, March 2, 2008

I have a wedgie

I have seriously had my panties in a wad all day. I did have a nice, happy, ray of sunshine post planned but I am so not in the mood. My mother always told me if I didn't have anything nice to say I should keep my mouth shut. But I feel like venting. Since my freaking kids don't listen to me I guess you'll have to.

  • Does it not bother anyone else that our home is a total pigsty??? How do you just continue to live in this house and ignore it? Why is all the cleaning my responsibility? Have you people no shame?
  • Amonte is still sleeping. He stayed up till 7 am. He has been ignoring his school work and trying to start bullshit between me and the sperm donor.
  • I can't stand people that think just because they made the rules that the rules don't apply to them.
  • I seriously need Nanny 911. My kids are out of control. They are making me totally insane. I feel like a referee in a cage match.
  • I'm going to rip Norm's voice box out if he doesn't SHUT UP.
  • I'm completely and totally broke.
  • Again with the housework. The laundry is piled up, the sink is full of dishes and the trash is full. Nobody. Cares.
  • I have a meeting at work tomorrow that I do not even want to begin to deal with.
  • Why do I even bother to cook when nobody will eat it?
  • How come it's never my day to sleep in?
See I told you I was on a mission today...and it's not even shark week. Can you imagine what I bitch about when it is. And before you going feeling sorry for my kids that they were stuck at home all day let me give you the run down on them:
  • 2 poopy diapers
  • 1 refusal to wipe own butt
  • 3 baths
  • bathroom flooded x 2
  • snacks, snacks and more snacks
  • screams of "I'm hungry" only to turn their noses up at dinner
  • 1 lazy ass teenager snoring in my chair
  • numerous time outs
  • dog food all over the kitchen floor
  • danimals all over the carpet
  • 100 tattles
  • 6 meltdowns
  • 1 short nap
  • a daughter covered head to toe in push up pop who then climbed in my bed
  • teenagers socks in living room floor
  • 2 searches for missing game boy
  • stop breathing on me, stop looking at me
  • poop humor all day long
  • the new name to call is "ugly mutt"
  • 1 pack of shredded diaper wipes
  • 1 box of wheat thins newly opened dumped in the garbage can
  • 1 girl covered in ink moments after bath
  • transformer picked up from paint your own pottery last night now has broken arm
  • 1 smashed lipstick
  • whining. whining and more whining.
Do you want me to keep going? Or are you ready to drink yet. That sounds like a good idea. I have one tiny 6 oz bottle of wine left. I'm a light weight so that should do. Cheers.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Thank you-Come again!

On February 28th someone abandoned this beautiful baby girl in a cab in Queens, New York. The cab driver immediately took her to a firehouse which had been designated as a "safe have. Numerous states have adopted "safe haven" policies as a way to ensure that unwanted infants are left safely. In Michigan for example, you can leave a baby at a fire station, hospital or police station with no questions asked. If the baby is left safely and is unharmed criminal charges are not filed. In the Queens are there are approximately 450 places designated as "safe havens". I'm not sure which is more disturbing: that someone abandoned this beautiful baby in a cab or that Baby Safe Haven is actually working on a partnership with 7-11. Yes, the party store. This would allow people to leave their baby 24 hours a day with a 7-11 clerk. Have any of you ever seen the movie Clerks? Have any of you ever been in a 7-11? Do I need to say more?

Friday, February 29, 2008

Heavy Metal Hangover

Dear Mark,
When I encouraged you to go to the Drowning Pool and Saliva concert last night with your buddies it never once occurred to me to remind you to act your age. In hindsight perhaps I should have warned you that 36 year old men who stay out drinking all night and jumping in the mosh pit tend not to fare well the next morning. However, had I issued such warning I may have missed out on the pleasure of watching you suffer this am. My bad hunney.


Melinda gave me this cute little award! Don't ya just want to hug him? Melinda always has the best give aways and her blog is chock full of need to know information. I'd like to pass it on to Cookiebitch but she hates all things cute and cuddly-and I'm afraid she would hurt me!

witchypoo has tagged me for 7 quirky things about me. Since I am her internet bitch I will quickly comply. Apparently I am a rather quirky person...because even though I have done a few of these I always manage to be able to list a few more goofy things about myself. Who knew.

  1. I hate feet. I find them utterly disgusting. I don't like my feet to be touched either...unless I'm having a pedicure. Then it's ok. But only then and by a paid professional.
  2. When ever I come in contact with someone wearing acrylic nails all I can think about is the obscene number of bacteria living under them.
  3. I LOVE to have my eyebrows waxed.
  4. I love to pop pimples an pick blackheads. Oh the faces I would love to get my little extractor on.
  5. I love the smell of bleach.
  6. I have to clean my ears everyday. Yes, I know your not supposed to. But I have to. Ear wax is repulsive.
  7. When I grocery shop I organize my food on the conveyor belt so that like things are bagged together. So, I'm a little OCD. Ok?
I tag Jessica Of One Swift Click fame and Keri.

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