Singing in the Rain

You'll notice there are NO pictures in this post.  Peyton dreamed of going to the skate/bike park.  He borrowed what was in essence a girls bike with no hesitation what so ever.  In the drizzling rain and cold we walked 2 miles to the park.  We talked about everything.  The most open conversation we have ever had. He let me pull him close. Nearly tall enough for me to rest my chin on his sweaty boy head.

When we reached the park there were several older kids and Peyton was obviously uncomfortable.  He quietly begged me to put the camera away and to not "embarrass" him. I agreed , but it hurt inside acknowledging that we were already reaching the age where mom hugs were shameful.

He spent nearly a half hour hanging out around the edge of the bowl...watching...hesitating.  Taking it all in. He finally warmed up and begin to ride the hills. Do the jumps.  Even impressing some of the big boys.  I was so proud of his mad skills.  And even more appreciative that he did it without concern of his "uncool bike”.

Peyton who has always been a follower, stepped out of his comfort zone and shined brightly in the grey day.

The Brazen Bull

I have never been even remotely excited about the idea of torturing someone. Until now. I would love to take the inventor of Day Light Savings and hang him by his toenails, naked, over a vat of popping hot bacon grease. Even that may be too kind.

Seriously. Did this "person" ever stop to consider the impact on child sleep patterns and thus a mother's sanity??? After failing to fall asleep at a decent hour on Sunday and having to be drug out of bed on Monday-Peyton has turned into a complete and total beast. Unlike a normal sleepy child who gets whiny or lays around-Peyton gets manic.

Last evening was spent with him antagonizing everyone in the house for hours. Burping in his sisters face, calling Cade names, hiding peoples things, throwing stuff, farting on the dog, squealing like a pig, banging on doors...the list goes on. Each episode followed by tearful apologies and then the mayhem resumed.

I expected him to pass out as soon as his head hit the pillow but instead he spent nearly two hours playing the drums on his bunkbed rails and singing Nickleback songs at the top of his lungs. Tonight he is in rare form again. He just inhaled 5 hot dogs and is now trying to erase everything that I type.

Pray. Pray for that evil, sadistic, master of time. Because I plan to do things to him that Amnesty International has never dreamed of.

The future of Rock N Roll

Yesterday in the car:

Peyton: We started a band at school.

Me: Cool! What kind of band?

Peyton: Well. I got fired.

Me: Fired? Why?

Peyton: Robbie fired me cause I asked for day off. He said "no" so I kept running away and I got fired. He wants to work everyday mom!

Dear god. Everyday???? What are his parents teaching this kid???

Peyton's AARP Card

Dear Peyton,
I know you wished to be 71 one years old this birthday-but you will have to settle for 7. I'm not sure what about 71 is so magical to you. You say that you will know everything then. God knows your quest for knowledge is amazing...but I wish you weren't in such a hurry to grow up. I want you to stay my little boy for as long as you can. To enjoy playing in the warm sun and reading books in my lap. Even in sleep I can see your face wrinkled in thought. Trying to wrap your mind around concepts that a child should not be concerned with. You are an old soul. With an ability to read people and relationships that many adults have not mastered. Your social concious is heart warming...but worrisome that you internalize so much of it. I see great things ahead of you...long before you are 71.
I love you.
Mommy

Dentist is a PUSHER

Peyton will be a happy drunk. Either that or he'll be the one that you can not convince has had a few too many. I'm not sure which, but I am hoping for the first. Curious as to how I know this? No, I did not ply him with green ale or whiskey on St Patrick's day. Nor do I leave full shot glasses laying around. What kind of a mother do you think I am. Uhh...don't answer that.

About a month and a half ago Peyton's two lower "big" teeth came in behind his baby ones. Although the babies were loose they were not ready to come out and Peyton was a bit squeamish about helping them. He has been blessed with my narrow palate and there is simply not enough room for his adult teeth. The dentist recommended pulling the bottom four. Peyton has always done extremely well at the dentist, but at his last exam they tried to take x rays and he FREAKED out. So they scheduled us for a return visit where he could be sedated. Thus saving them from inevitably having to wear hearing aids.

Last Tuesday we arrived at 8 am for Peyton to be medicated. He chugged down a glass of versed cocktail like a college frat boy. Then we sat in the lobby and waited for it to take affect. Soon he was giggly, babbling incoherently and hallucinating. He was extremely amusing to the entire waiting room which he was enjoying even in his diminished capacity. However, he kept insisting that he could get up and walk. He dropped his book and as I bent down to get it so did he. He promptly fell of the bench and laid splayed all over the floor cracking up.

He went through the extractions without incident and spent the rest of the day laying on the couch dozing and bossing me around. During this time we had numerous conversations about the Tooth Fairy. Peyton was extremely interested as to why she would want his teeth. Cade said that she eats them like popcorn and that they are her favorite food. Peyton thinks she is a little girl who doesn't want to grow up. Every time she looses a baby tooth she replaces it with someone else's.

At bedtime we placed his four pearly whites into a tiny box and put them lovingly under his pillow. He decided to sleep at the other end of his bed. He was very concerned that he would swallow her or perhaps roll over and crush her tiny body. I crept in later and placed a book, four crisp one dollar bills and a note under his pillow. In my teeny, tiniest handwriting I wrote a note from the Tooth Fairy thanking him for so many beautiful teeth. He was thrilled the next morning.

Now the teeth are in my underwear drawer and will shortly be thrown away. I have had several people tell me that they keep their kids teeth. EWWWW.

And the Oscar goes to....

Peyton for best performance as a mistreated child in a tragic comedy!!!!

• Peyton has been a little challenging lately. That in itself is an understatement. He was the second one to get sick last week and of course it was all about the drama...as everything with Peyton usually is. His cough was the worst, his fever was the highest and he did get a raging migraine to go along with it all. He also vomited repeatedly in my bed and never in his. He missed his Valentines party at school which was a huge ordeal as he is quiet the ladies man and was sure the girls all had something extra special for him.
• Recently a classmates father passed away unexpectedly. Sadly, the boy is the one who found his father. The mother and the teacher decided not to discuss it with the class. I found out third hand from another classmates mother when Peyton and her daughter told her. I respect this mothers desire for privacy and to have things remain as normal as possible for her son. However, he is discussing it with his friends and I don't think they are fully able to comprehend the situation without some adult guidance. Since this, Peyton has been having an incredibly difficult time sleeping...which doesn't improve his mood any (or mine). He has also been asking even more questions than usual about god and death. Many that I simply do not have good answers for.
• Yesterday we took him for his dental exam and he totally flipped out. He has never done that before. He has 2 big teeth coming in behind his baby teeth and he is nuts about it. They are going to have to pull 4 lower babies to make room. To do this I will have to bring him back and have him sedated because he was such a mess. He spent the rest of the day asking me repeatedly when he had to go back to the dentist. He even woke me up at 3 am this morning to ask "when?".
• I'm reasonably certain I am raising a pubescent girl as opposed to a 6 year old boy. All I hear lately is "I hate you!", "You're the meanest mom ever!", "You never let me do anything!", "I hate this house and everyone in it!", "I wanna live with someone else!", "Nobody here even loves me!". Add in lots of tears, hysterics and door slamming.
• Yesterday after the dental fiasco took him to see the Spiderwick Chronicals, just the two of us. I felt he really needed some individual time and I wanted to focus on him. We had a great time. He was pleasant, funny and well behaved. I'm not sure who needed it more...me or him. But the second we returned home he threw a roll of toilet paper at his brother and stomped around the house.
• In an effort to make him hate me even more I have banned all video and computer games Monday through Friday. I found he was spending way to much time isolated away from the rest of us filling his head with mush. He has been caught twice hiding in the closet playing his brothers Leapster. Now they are all locked up. I seriously believe he is having withdrawals.

Don't worry. There are no Oscar parties in his near future or anything else fun for that matter.

Unfit for human habitation

In the car out of the blue :

Peyton: I think I'll clean my room in 2015.

Me: Dude, that's in like 7 years.

Peyton: Duh. I know that already.

Me: Don't ya think that is kinda gross?

Peyton: Well maybe for you, but I won't mind.

Should I notify the health department before the neighbors do?

Six and one to grow on

Dear Peyton,

Saturday you turned six. It's only fitting that I am late posting this because you love to torture me with "are we late yet?" anytime we have to leave the house. Generally we are and you love to remind me.

Your mind never stops. You frequently tell me your "head hurts from thinking too much" or that you "couldn't sleep because you were thinking". You have an amazing thirst for knowledge. You love to sit in the bathroom while I get ready and ask me a million questions. At night you like to curl up on my bed and have "deep talk" with me. When I don't have the answers you say "Google it".

You love music. You hear a song once and you know nearly all the words. You can not color without singing. You can not poop with out singing...but that's ok...at least you don't have to get butt naked anymore!

You have a killer sense of humor and are quiet the show off. This and your good looks have made you the rock star of the K set.

You are sensitive and caring. You are strong and brave. You are growing up so fast. I hold the tiny hand print ornament that you made for Christmas just after your first birthday and I am filled with such a wide range of emotion: Sorrow, longing, pride, happiness and wonder. You are an amazing young man and I am so proud to be on this journey with you. As much as I love you being my little boy-I look forward to seeing the man you will become.

All the love in my heart. Forever,
Mommy

Cyber Porn

Peyton loves to use my camera to take pictures. I'm cool with it as long as he is careful and sometimes he gets some interesting shots. Tonight I was sitting on the couch nursing Ava and he hollers "Wait!!! Let me get the camera and take a picture of your boobs so we can put them on My Space!". What exactly was Amonte looking at? Hmmm....

Super freaks...or super stars??? You decide!

In case you guys didn't already know: my two youngest boys are super stars. Plain and simple. They are hot stuff, like their momma.

Peyton is the new face of Nicole Barczak Photography.

If that wasn't enough to just make me truly the proudest mother on earth already: yesterday when I picked up Cade one of the childcare workers said "go look on the bathroom wall". My first though was-dear god what has he done now??? She assured me it was good...and it was! There are 3 pictures of Cade showing step by step how to wash and dry your hands! He is the poster boy for post potty hygiene *wiping away a tear*.

Peyton says it's because Cade is the best hand washer in childcare. I thought that was a pretty nice thing for him to say. I have seen Cade wash his hands and I do believe he should be a surgeon...or maybe he'll have OCD and be a germophobe. Either way-soooo proud.

Narcs are us

Peyton is our resident tattletale...or as Amonte "lovingly" calls him our narc. Today was tattling at it's finest:

Peyton: MOOOOOM!!!! Ava is doing something boring!!!!!

Oh for the shame of it all Ava.

Wow. This daily stuff is rough.

Missing the science gene

As you could see from my 8th grade science test I am not a rocket scientist. I am afraid that I may have unintentionally passed this to my offspring in the form of some type of genetic mutation...most likely caused by the excessive consumption of chai lattes during the early months of pregnancy.

The other night we were in the kitchen having dinner (yeah it was a hot -n- ready pizza...but that still qualifies as dinner and we were all eating together which adds nutritional value to any meal) when Peyton noticed a bee. Now a year ago this would have required us to activate our emergency evacuation plan and administer an obscene amount of benadryl to act as a sedative. But since the "cool" kid on the bus catches them with his hat and kills them this is no longer an issue.

P-Hey! Catch that bee! I want some honey on my pizza.
M-Eww. Honey on pizza? Besides how do I get the honey?
P- Duh! You don't know?
M-No, please tell me.
P-You squeeze it from their butts!
M- Really, I thought it came from a hive.
P-NOOO. You squeeze it from their butts. But you might want to kill it first cause they get really mad....just like you do when daddy smacks your butt.

Hopefully he will excel in math.

Big wheels keep on turning

Ever since Peyton could talk he has asked questions. Not just one or two but sometimes hundreds a day. Some basic, some complex, some annoying or even down right concerning. Here is an example of life with Peyton and mind you these questions were asked in a one hour time frame while getting ready or school.

1. 1. What time is it?
2. 2. What day is it?
3. 3. When will it be Saturday?
4. 4. Do I have school today?
5. Why do I have to go to school?
6. Can I play a video game first?
7. Why do I have to eat breakfast?
8. What is protein?
9. Why is it brain food?
10. Will my brain shrink if I don't eat it?
11. Well if you don't eat eggs why do I have to?
12. Why do you call them chicken abortions?
13. Why can't I wear my Green Day shirt again today?
14. Why won't you just cut all the tags out of my clothes?
15. Why do I have to brush my teeth again? I just brushed them last night?
16. Why can't we just live here like animals?
17. Did you pack my lunch? I said I wanted to buy.
18. What bus do I ride home?
19. Are we late yet?
20. Can we listen to Linkin Park?
21. Why can't we listen to Linkin Park at school?
22. What will happen if my name gets moved over today?
23. Why do we have to lock the door?
24. Why can't I ride in the front seat?
25. Why can't I walk to school?

I was going to carry this out to the at least 50 questions he asked this morning but my head hurts already. These are the easy ones, mostly related to complaints as he is NOT a morning person. At night his wheels really get turning and we get deep questions, about God, death, being born, justice ect. Does any one else have a kid like this? How do you deal with relentless streams of questions?

Plague of the Parenting book

Any one who has met my darling little Peyton knows he is a bit precocious. He is a teenager in a 5 yr olds body and makes it very clear that he does not wish to be treated like a little boy. I have been reading a parenting book (or 2 or 3) trying to improve my skills. Peyton has decided to take this as an opening for sucker punches.

A week or so ago:
P-What are you reading?
M-A book on how to be a better mom.
P-Oh. You need that.

Few days later:
Peyton in trouble for the 100th time that day and very angry about losing playstation privileges.
P- (SCREAMING)You need to go read your book some more because you are not a nicer mommy.

Just this am:
Peyton as usual will not get ready in a timely fashion.
M-Peyton Church what is your deal? Could you just get dressed already? Why do we go through this every morning?
P-I don't know. Maybe you should do something with me.
M-Yeah like what?(I could think of a few things believe me but they all fall into the category of inappropriate)
P-Duh, isn't there something in your book?

In case you are wondering he is still alive and I did not follow any parenting techniques in dealing with his smart ass.