Do you got love for Her Majesty?

Peyton has been less than impressed with his baby sister lately. She is turning into a full fledged two year old. Recent comments include:

• "Ava, you don't even try to be a nice girl."
• "Why didn't I get a baby brother?"
• "Ava needs her own bed mom. You should get her a crate!"
• "Why do we have to keep her?"
• "Ava's not as pretty as that baby on TV."
• "Go away Ava. You stink and your nightgown is ugly."
• "Gawd Ava. All you do is CRRRRRYYYYYY.

Although, I do have to admit (between you and me) the crate idea was tempting for a moment.

Like...OMG. Totally.

Last night Peyton, Cade and Ava were all playing together in the living room. Nicely. Yeah. I know. Weird. Anyway they were building a fort or something with blankets, couch cushions, ugly dolls ect. I was busy sewing a tutu and only vaguely minding them. Peyton was crawling under the ottoman with a flashlight when he shrieks and scurries out from under it.

Peyton: OH MAN! That scared the CRAP out of me!!!
Me: What happened?
Peyton: I dropped the flashlight and it went right in my eyes!!! I thought I would go blond!!!
Cade: Peyton! Are you blond????

Ahhh yeah Cade. I think he already is. Hopefully he won't go blind though.

The Boss

Tonight:
Peyton: Mom, Can I PLEEEAAASSSEEE eat in the living room?
Me: Ah. No.
Peyton: But I'm 6!!! I'm almost a grown up!

Later:
Cade: You're not the boss of me Peyton.
Peyton: Yeah I am! I'm 6 dude.

Later:
Peyton: Mom, next year I'll be a mean grader. *sigh* Then I have to get a girlfriend and a job.

Ps: This pic was taken after the first "real" snowstorm of the year. Peyton was outside nearly all day. The next morning he came in the bathroom and sat on the floor with a big sigh and asked "Is winter over yet mom? I'm tired of the cold already". When I told him we still had a long way to go he went back to his bed and cried. I feel the same way...do you think he's too young to have him treated for seasonal affective disorder??? :)

Away in the manger

The Christmas decorations are up. Well not at my house but at others. I do not decorate outside for the simple fact that it is colder than a witches tit in a brass bra (I have heard that is really damn cold). If that makes me the Grinch so freakin' be it. But I do drive the darlings around to look at other peoples crap...ahh..I mean decorations. Tonight on the way home from a school function we passed a house with a GIANT plastic manger in their front yard.

Peyton: HOLY SHIT! IT'S BABY JESUS! STOP THE CAR MOM SO WE CAN GET OUT AND SEE HIM!!!!

Cade: AWWWW. Peyton said a bad word! If baby Jesus heard you he'll tell God to tell Santa not to bring you any presents! Can we go look at baby Jesus mom????

No. We did not stop. Yes. The language was dealt with. No. I have no clue where he could have heard such a thing. No. I don't think they realized that wasn't the real baby Jesus...seeing as Cade wanted to take him another blanket.

Part 2

Ok. Now to continue my tag, I don't think I will reach 42 but here goes.

TMI about my offspring:

1. When Ava is really tired she pulls her eyelashes out. I'm terrified she has trichatolamania.
2. Cade calls his boobs "man cans". He insists that one has juice and one has milk. He has a baby doll that he nurses.
3. Cade also has a freakishly long tongue. In fact he can lick his man cans.
4. When Peyton first potty trained he had to be butt ass naked to poop. It didn't matter where we were. It all had to come off. He was also obsessed with Harry Potter at this time. We were shopping at Target and he was following me around in full Harry Potter gear. He had to poop but I wouldn't take him unless he agreed to stay clothed...which he wouldn't. "MOOOOOOOM. Why won't you take me to the potttttyyyyy?" Finally irritated I snapped "Do you think Harry Potter gets butt naked to poop?" To which he responded loudly "UH HUH! Harry Potter does get naked to poop! It's in the 3rd movie and we don't have that one!" Having not seen that one how could I argue? I took him to the potty where he got naked and did his thing.
5. When Peyton was a toddler he loved to wear socks on his hands. All the time. He also loved to wear a pair of rubber rain boots all summer long. By the end of the summer they smelled like ass. Real stinky ass.
6. When Amonte was in the 3rd grade he complained that his butt hurt. Of course he didn't want me to look but he kept complaining and he couldn't even sit down. Finally Mark and I wrestled him to the ground and pulled his pants off. It was summer and we lived in a row of townhouses. The windows were open and he was SCREAMING "Get off me! Get out of my butt!" He had shingles. I was glad we looked.
7. All of my kids are convinced that I can untie their belly buttons.
   

Question of the day

Could someone please tell me how a 4 and 5 year old boy can DESTROY a mailbox in a matter of moments? On second thought...I don't think I want to know.

Stanky feet, stanky dog, stanky ???

• Woke up late. This is a daily event. Please feel free to add it to any of my posts.
• Fought with Mark because he has 2 broken hands...no not really. They work just fine...I'm assuming.
• Dropped Ava off at Andreas with a bag of medicine. Felt guilty and relieved.
• Usual bs at work. Web monitor is back on. "Breastfeeding is tooooooo haaarrrddd" WHINERS. Had adult conversation with people who did not wipe their nose on me.
• Took the boys to Kohls for winter wear. I was praying they could hold out till Saturday but when I picked them up at childcare they announced they had worn other kids coats and hats outside to play because their sweatshirts were not warm enough and they had no hats. In my humiliation we went promptly to the store.
• Found coats, hats, gloves and boots. No blood was shed. I still have to cut all the tags out of Peyton's new wares.
• There was a little person at Kohls and Peyton was enthralled. He kept asking "where did that cute little man go?" LOUD.
• Andrea fed Ava dinner for me. Greatly appreciated. However Ava smells like a clove of garlic. We are safe from vampires tonight.
• Speaking of smell: Norm got misted by a skunk. Not sprayed but he certainly walked into some scent. Not pretty.
• Oh and Peyton got new shoes too. When I took his off to try his boots on I nearly puked they smelled so bad. How can a little kid have feet that rank?
• Hmmm. Also rank is a smell around or near my computer. Mark will have to find it tomorrow.
• Amonte bumped the counter and shouted "son of a" to which Peyton quickly replied "BITCH" Cade responded "Peyton said BITCH" Peyton "I did not say BITCH" Amonte cracking up did not help.
• Take my contacts out. Open the bathroom door to find Amonte mooning me and his siblings laughing hysterically. Ummm. He is the one who needs a butt razor.
• After listening to Cade sing Linkin Park tonight I seriously think he has a career as a thrash metal screamer.
• A financial prayer was answered. YAHOO. For that I swear dear lord that I will quit lusting after a certain someone at church.

How was your day??

Somebody has been sleeping in my bed & using my razor

I am grossly behind on my e-mails and blog readings. I plan to try and catch up tonight! It was a busy weekend and today is not shaping up to be anything terrfific. Cade got in bed with me sometime during the night, had an accident, hopped out and went and got back in his bed...never saying a word. I rolled over this morning and was like WTF? So not only am I home with a sick kid (Ava) but I will be taking a trip to the laundrymat...since my comforter surely will not fit in my washer. Mark is working overtime AGAIN tonight. We really need the money but it sucks not having any help...not that he is a ton of help but any is better than none.

Anyway. Enough. Whining. Already.

Heard while in the bathroom yesterday:

Mark: Ava are you gonna comb daddy's hair? (Mark is bald btw)

Cade: You don't have any hair dad.

Peyton: (in is insuated dumb ass voice) No it's all on his butt.

Cade:EWWWW! You should shave that!

Peyton: Yeah! Use mom's razor.

Nice.

Troubles in Toilet Land

It’s official. All of the boys have now landed themselves in a significant amount of toilet trouble. No I am not speaking of constipation…although we have been there too. I’m not referring to a little bit of splashing. I will even overlook the incidents of throwing a siblings toothbrush into the bowl in anger. I am talking about full blown toilet tragedies.

Amonte: being the oldest of course he was the first. He flushed a set of car keys down the toilet. I heard the words “bye-bye” accompanied by the woosh of the toilet. I had no clue what had went down, but I knew it wasn’t good. Luckily we lived in an apartment complex where they could take care of such…well…complex things. It involved a full day of maintenance men and having the toilet removed from the floor and replaced. Not to mention having to use the bathroom at the apartment club house and a serious bleaching of my keys.

Peyton: was about 20 months old and I went to the store foolishly leaving him with his father. Mark fell asleep with Cade. I walked into the house and saw something brown all over the kitchen floor and the fridge. I stepped in water. Lots of water. I heard running water. Peyton was naked. He had pooped. He took his diaper off and flushed it down the toilet. I woke Mark up and went to the coffee house. Teach him to sleep on his watch.

Cade: had his adventure on Halloween afternoon. I put Ava down for her nap and my loving husband told me “take a nap with her…Cade is nearly asleep watching a movie”. I though “oh hell yes!!!”. 45 minutes later my walnut bladder was screaming so I staggered into the bathroom…lights off. Cold, water covered my socks. I flipped on the light. The potty contains a full roll of toilet paper and numerous panty liners. I had to put on gloves and scoop the dissolving tissue into the garbage. Yum-O.

Me: What the hell happened in here?
Cade: Me don’t know.
Me: Really? You have no clue why the toilet is stuffed and overflowing?
Cade: Ummm. Amonte came home and took a poop and then left out the front door. He didn’t even wash his hands!!!
Me: Well that is interesting because Amonte is still in school.
Cade: Ummm. Me think it was Ava then.
Me: Ah, she is taking a nap.
Cade: Norm?
Me: In his crate.
Cade: *Sigh* Me did it.

Ya think??? What's the fascination here? Help a sister out!

Large ears are good for listening

Over heard while I was in the bathroom last night, pieces of a conversation:
Peyton: Wanna see something cool?
Peyton: Go get the scissors.
Peyton: No get mom's really sharp ones.
Peyton: Keep Ava over there in case something goes wrong.

Pieces of a conversation overheard this morning:
Cade: Dad said no.
Peyton: Ask mom.
Cade: No dad said no.
Peyton: But mom is the boss.
Cade: No dad is, he is bigger.
Peyton: Yeah but only by a tiny bit and remember mom has the check book.

Glow in the dark karate *HI-YAH*

Conversation in the car today:
Me: Wow. You guys have been really good today. Did you get hit by lightening???
Cade: Yeah. This morning before I got up it hit me.
Me: Really? You got hit by lightening? Did it hurt?
Cade: Yeah. He hit me right in the eye.
Me: The lightening did?
Cade: Yeah and in the pie hole too.
Peyton: I'm starving.
Me: Are we talking about lightening still?
Cade:Yeah. That little flashing bug. Him keeps getting me. He does karate chops on my tummy. *sigh*
Me: OHHHH. The lightening bug.
Cade: Yeah. He kicked me right in the eye.
Me: I'm so sorry to hear that!
Cade: Then, he pooped in my bed.
Me: Gross...lightening bug poop.
Peyton: I'm starving to death.
CAde: Yeah. Umm. Ummm. I buried him in a hole.
Me: Oh, where did you bury him?
Cade: In another world.
Me: What world is that?
Peyton: Most likely Michigan State. It's gross there. I'm starving.
Cade: Yeah that's where.

M-GO BLUE!

Cookin' bacon for Jesus

My kids love to say grace-but since we are new to this whole religion thing sometimes grace is...uh...intresting to say the least. Tonight grace started an all out fist fight...because someone was "doing it wrong".

Cade- *SCREAMING* That is not what you say! You're doing it all wrong! AVA DON'T EAT YET I'M NOT DONE.

Peyton- Shut up I AM TO DOING IT RIGHT! MOM AVA IS EATING AND WERE NOT DONE.

* Both crying, kicking each other and pulling hair. Ava happily eating. Norm drooling. Amonte oblivious as usual.*

Me-I really don't think God cares what you say or how you say it as long as your thankful. For all God cares you could say "Thank God we're having bacon tonight!"

Cade- Does God like bacon? *sniffle*

Me-Who doesn't like bacon? *semi sarcastic*

Peyton-You don't.

Me-Yeah well I don't count.

Peyton-Does Jesus like bacon?

Me-Sure. Jesus like bacon too.

Cade-Can we say grace again?

Me-Yeah go ahead.

Cade- Dear God, we love bacon. Hear our prayer.

Peyton-And we are thankful for mommy cooking the bacon even though she is a vegetable.

I didn't have the heart to tell him it's "vegetarian". If the lord doesn't like bacon, I hope he has a sense of humor.

Baby boys do grow up.

*Amonte entered the 10th grade on Tuesday. He of course over slept and missed the bus (yes on the very first day) and had to be taken to school. Silly me, I wanted to take a picture of him and he was all kinds of pissed off at me. It's hard enough that he is 15 and in High School, but then Peyton started kindergarten the very next day.

*We walked Peyton to the bus stop (and Mark got irritated with me for taking pics of him getting on the bus-I was holding everybody up) and then followed him to school. I swore I wouldn't cry but before I left the classroom I looked back at him sitting at his table...in his big boy clothes he picked him self...with the haircut he chose...looking like a little boy who was nervous and wanted his mom and I broke down. Cade took my hand and said "It's ok mom, me still a little boy". The he smiled and said "but me go to school next week then you just have Ava". Wow rub some salt in that wound Cade. The good news is-Peyton hates the long days and came home and told me he does NOT want to be grown up anymore. He does not want to be 15 or 81, he wants to be a baby boy again.

*Cade starts preschool on Tuesday. My boys are all growing up so fast. I see them changing right before my eyes, struggling to be a big boys when they are still so small, wanting independence but still wanting a hand to hold, needing their mom and disliking me for it. I know my job is to help them grow into strong independent men...but somedays I miss just holding them in my arms.

He did WHAT????

Tonight was total and complete chaos. After a crappy day in general I came home to a million things to do. I put Ava in the tub and sent the little boys into the back yard to play. Amonte of course was glued to the computer and who the hell knows what Mark was doing. Just as I get shampoo in Ava's hair Peyton comes SCREAMING into the house:

P-"MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM"

M- "For gods sake what is it now?"

A-Screaming bloody murder because she hates having her hair washed.

P-"It's Cade mom, come look quick!"

M-"Peyton, I'm trying to wash up Ava unless he is bleeding it will have to wait."

P-"No MOM! Really come look, it's really , really bad."

M-Not concerned...but maybe I should be...no I'm used to the drama. "What is it Peyton?"

P- "He is POOPED in the yard MOM!"

M-"HE DID WHAT???"

P-"HE POOPED IN THE YARD!"

M-Dragging Ava covered in soap and screaming out of the tub and to the back door. "Cade! What the HELL are you doing?"

C-Butt naked. Talking to the neighbors who are cooking out. Very calm and matter of fact, "Me had to poop."

P-"It's ok Mom, I'll get the pooper scooper."

Are you freaking kidding me?

Acrobatics and antaganizm

Peyton Church is a tried and true acrobat. If it can be climbed, he will find a way up it. If it can be jumped from, he's already off it. We had these straps hanging from our patio waiting for Mark to hang Ava's swing (um, it's still not up)...apparently they were just too much temptation for Peyton to handle. Only problem is he can't reach them. These is where his sisters cozy coupe comes in to the plan. Luckily he kicked her out of it before he pushed it over, climbed on top of it, grabbed a hold of the straps, kicked it out of the way and jumped. Of course he had a perfect 10 landing to the amazement of his younger brother. Cade of course wanted to try then too. Peyton willingly helped him on top of the car, held it for him while he reached for the straps, then as Cade cried because he was scared Peyton kicked the car out from under him leaving him dangling frantically in the air. Peyton then had to taunt him "jump baby katie". Poor Cades arms finally gave out and he fell to the ground. Peyton cracked up...but not for long because Cade made a quick recovery and chased him down. He may be younger and smaller but he is much stronger. And what do you ask was I doing while this was going on? Why drinking a coke and reading InStyle magazine...DUH!

Naked in the neighbors yard

My boys never wear clothes. The second they walk in the door they strip down to their undies and it's a fight to get anything back on them. It is a common site to see two small boys running around our yard in undies and crocs. I don't mind them being half naked in our yard but it is distressing when they go visit the neighbors in this state. Peyton came in the house tonight with tomatoes the neighbor had given him...while in his undies. They love to do yard work with the elderly man next door...in their undies. They hang out with the teenagers next door...in their undies. And of course if you are already half naked outside why on earth would you bother to come in the house to pee for god sake? UGG.

Doesn't she know all things are weapons?

My grandmother is 82, so I guess I should cut her some slack...but for gods sake she gave my two youngest boys potentially lethal weapons yesterday. I guess to an old lady it seemed like a sweet gift that would make 2 small boys happy. But my boys are...well they are boys. She purchased them METAL garden tools. Sharp metal garden tools that are rather large and dangerous looking. So not only are they digging and hoeing up my entire yard (which looks like crap anyway) but they are chasing each other down the driveway with hoe, shovel or rake in hand threatening to beat each other (It a little disturbing to see a small child wearing only his underwear and crocs running angrily with a shovel in hand) . These threats are frequently carried out and I have serious concerns that shovel could take an eye out. Does anyone want any gardening tools? Why does this woman hate me?