Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Itchy and Bitchy

I have hives. All over my back. No it is not an allergic reaction. They are stress induced and I brought them on myself. Completely.

I have to say in my younger years I didn't give a shit what people thought of me. I spoke my mind freely and passionately. I wore what I wanted. I had a great body. I flaunted it. I wasn't afraid of new situations. I welcomed the challenges.

A few years ago all that changed. I got fat. 3 babies after 30 does that. I became self conscious, anxious and insecure.

I had been quietly coping with this in my own self destructive way. However, a few months ago I joined a moms group. I lurked on the discussion board for weeks before I introduced myself. I avoided the playgroups and skipped moms night out (MNO). Before my first play date I broke out in hives everywhere. I told myself "I have my kids with me if all else fails". How pathetic a grown woman leaning on some preschoolers. But I went and it wasn't bad. I met some nice people and made some new friends. I went a few more hives...despite the fact that I am older and fatter than all the other moms.

The last play date was at the apple orchard. I rearranged my whole schedule so I could go. The other "advanced maternal age" mom was there too. It started out as a good enough time. But wait...these moms are young. Skinny. Cute and fashionable.

(Note here: I happen to LOVE fashion. However fashionable clothes on a fat girl makes you look like a fat girl trying to be cute. I spend my $$$ on my kids clothes. I wear what fits. But I DO KNOW what is in style).

I began to feel anxious again. Really anxious. I had no interaction with the other moms. This was in part because I made no effort. My thought process: They think I'm old, fat and frumpy. Who knows if they thought this or not. I may be all of those things...but I'm also funny, smart and kind. I had hives when I left.

Last night was MNO. I begged Mark to watch the kids. I had to go straight from work in my scrubs. I fussed over my afro and even put on lipstick. I was the only one who showed up. I felt like a middle aged loser. I went home and cried. *Do you hear my tiny violin playing*
Peyton told me he thought I was "cool". I felt better and soothed myself with some Mango ice cream.

Now I know this was not a personal diss. Shit just happens. What I hate is that I let it consume me. What I hate more is I have let my weight change me completely. My weight has stopped me from meeting new people, from taking on new challenges and from living out my dreams. I guess it's time to do something about it.


  1. so wish you lived near here. would love to have a moms night out.

    one night i got invited to some sort of make-up party and i thought it might be fun to go. i was didn't know the girl but she sent the invites out to the neighborhood. anyway, i was the only one who showed up. didn't even want to buy anything but how could i not? it made me break out something awful.

    hang in there.

  2. I'm sorry that you didn't get the night out that you had hoped for.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself Zoe.

  3. Sorry you had a bad night out. Try to relax about yourself.

  4. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

    I'm in the same boat... this Friday I'm planning to go to my first playgroup from an online mom's group, and I'm kind of freaking out. I'm very shy around people I don't know & don't know how to start coversations on my own. I too deal with the "I'm fatter than everyone else" issue too.

    Too bad you don't live nearby, we could hang out...

  5. Dude, I love the times that I have met up with you at the park and also had a GREAT time when we went scrapbooking with Nicole too! Don't let this one event drag you down and stop you from doing more! Unfortunately I didn't vote for Tuesday although, I so wanted to be there, but had Lukas' swim lessons in the evening and knew that would be a lot of running around. At least you've made an attempt to go to the get-togethers, a lot of the moms haven't even gone and some of those have been in CLM for months!!

  6. Zoe-from what you put out on your blog you have a personality that would be a lot of fun to be around in many situations! Now true, many of us do not know what you look like because you don't post pics of you, just the kids & adorable-Norm! But many great people come in many great forms & anyone worth being around will overlook that! I know that putting yourself out there & getting stood up by friends &/or acquaintances is painful & I hope you will give it another try :) You deserve the fun too!

  7. Hey Zoe. We haven't had a chance to meet up yet, I haven't been able to attend any of the events you have made it to. :( However, I read your blog often, and I SO look forward to meeting you. You are friggin HILLARIOUS, and your blog is one of the blogs I look forward to most. I'm so sorry that no one made it out on Tuesday, I wanted to go badly, but I could not find a sitter. Hopefully we will have a chance to meet up soon, I look forward to it.

  8. Zoe, I love your blog and think you have a awesome personality! I think you would be a lot of fun to hang out with. You would would be the friend that makes you laugh so hard you would spit your drink out your nose:)

  9. I'm a chubby chica but I don't let that stop me! I am not into name-brand fashion, but I am probably the fat girl trying to look cute, which is fine with me!
    Sorry the MNO didn't work out...WTF were the other mom's at???

  10. Hey Zoe. If my hubby hadn't of called and said he was gonna be late that night I would have gone even if it was just you and I there! I just couldn't find someone to watch TJ for me on such short notice.
    Don't be so hard on yourself!
    You have such a great personality and your blog is a riot! I am so looking forward to meeting you!

  11. Thanks ya'all! I needed that!!!!

  12. Well, although I am not into my 30's yet, I will be turning 30 in about 2 months. But, I'm a military wife. And, amongst other military wives, I am the one of "advanced maternal age." LOL. Plus, most military wives seem quite immature. I think because a lot of them marry straight out of high school, and never got the chance to live their own life. They have no real life experience to build on. I avoid play groups because I'm so uncomfortable, and I definitely don't fit in. So, I can totally relate to you on that one. And, don't feel bad about the crying. At least you didn't cry over a stupid hair cut (or rather, dye job). It is the worst one I have had EVER. I've never cried over my hair...until today. I came home and bawled my eyes out! Hang it'll get better!

  13. I'm soooo late to this party, but I have to comment. I was looking through your archives and loved this post. Mostly because I could have written it (well, I've only had 2 kids, but you get the point). I gained 25 lbs before getting pregnant, due to a prescription drug, then gained another 40+ lbs with pregnancy. I'm now so self conscious about myself, wondering if others are thinking "Wow, she could stand to lose a few pounds". I, too,used to be fit and I just can't get into the groove of being overweight. I did finally lose a few lbs last fall, but I'm still 10-15 lbs from where I'd rather be. I do let it consume me. And I shouldn't. I love how candid you are.


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