Monday, October 15, 2007

Osama's got nothing on me

Dear George W.,

Boy, that whole "weapons of mass destruction" stuff sure backfired didn't it. Just so ya know, I had them here in my house all along. They were conceived and designed with my very own blood, sweat and tears. After all the shit I took over The Pledge of Allegiance post and some anti-American hate mail-I got to thinking: maybe I have been selfish not offering up the services of my four very own, highly trained terrorists. Let me fill you in on some of their talents:

  • Still need help finding Osama? Not a problem. Just drop them with in a 100 miles of his vicinity and wait for him to need some "alone time" or to eat a bowl of ice cream without sharing. They are like blood hounds...they will locate him in 30 seconds flat.
  • Forget bamboo shoots under the nails. Use an audio tape of Peyton singing and or humming non-stop as he colors. No need to push repeat. After 5-10 minutes of his coloring they will be begging to spill their guts.
  • Hunger strike? Who can resist a sweet little girl offering to feed you her slimy half chewed morsels? Still not interested? Don't worry she will happily force her little tidbits into their clenched mouths.
  • Need a siren for an air strike? Again I have audio tape-Ava's blood curdling scream as she gets her hair brushed. An entire nation will run for cover.
  • No need to bomb an area to destroy it. Simply leave the boys unsupervised. Destruction is inevitable.
  • Want to punish someone? Have them take a road trip with the little darlings. After 30 miles they will be in the fetal position.
  • Who needs prison? I have 1000 square feet of hell. Laundry, meals, bath time ect. I'm sure the little loves could find thousands of ways to torment and punish.
  • Solitary confinement? No need my bathroom is the size of the bathtub and the terrorist HAVE to be in there if any one else is thus depriving them of any privacy or sense of personal space.
And especially for you GeorgeW, if your tired of Laura reading you the same kiddy book night after night when she tucks you in...they'll be happy to fill in for you. They like the same old book everyday for 365 days.
Sorry, guess I should have spoke up sooner.


Play nice in the sand box or I'll smack you in the face with a shovel.

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