Ok, ladies and gentleman. It's time for our final award of the night. This was a close one. But after careful consideration and review of the tapes the Mommy Dearest Award goes to.....drumroll.....Zoe from Michigan Center!!!! *The crowd goes wild...camera flashes to Zoe sobbing in her chair* Come on up her Zoe and accept your golden hanger! *Zoe crawls to the stage sniffling* Ya know you weren't even in the top ten until Monday....lets show the tape!
*On the big screen: Zoe screaming, screaming some more...throwing a half eaten croc at the dog...more screaming...kids getting in the car to go to church....camera zooms in on Peyton-looking soooo pitiful. Tear tracks on his dirty cheeks. "Mommy, when you are so angry, I feel like you don't even want to be my mommy."* Go a head Zoe give us a few words! *Zoe takes golden hanger and beats announcer to a bloody pulp in a tearful fit of rage.*
Seriously, I'm a screamer. I hate this about myself. I never used to be and I swore I never would become my mother...but I have. I know I have to stop. I desperately want to stop. The regret I feel after an "episode" is so deep, so painful...its cuts into my soul...it weakens me...it breaks my heart.
In a lot of the blogs I read lately there seems to be this theme of being overwhelmed....engulfed in the daily chaos of our lives. Struggling to breathe. Wanting to be good mothers and fighting our inner demons. I know I'm not alone in this...but I feel so alone. I feel like I am on the fringe..like all the "other mothers" are so capable. I just feel tired. Some days I just want to let the chaos, the despair swallow me...but I know my kids deserve so much more. I want them to have so much more. So I struggle, I apologize, I pray, I read, learn and examine. I hope when it is all said and done...I am good enough. Worthy enough to be their mother...which is a job I covet more than anything.
Friday, October 12, 2007
No Wire Hangers EVER!!!!
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You are doing a good job :)
ReplyDeleteI am overwhelmed too! I always thought being grown up would be different than this! i think I want to be little again. Looking back when I was little, I always thought my mom had everything together. She must have felt like this too though, right?!?!
I feel like more often than not I lose my temper with Porter. I try so hard to stay calm, but my god I cannot stand it when I'm Just.Trying.To.Finish.My.Hair and he won't stop whining or getting into things. It'd take me 20 mintues to do my hair if I didn't have to stop every 2 minutes to figure out what the hell he wants. I am a yeller, too. My mom was, and I always said I would never be like that. GRRR>..
ReplyDeletetake a deep breath zoe, you are not alone. it's definitely not easy. have faith and know that tomorrow is another day. =) now i have to practice this too! seriously, don't be so hard on yourself.
ReplyDeletesometimes i feel like, i just want to get through the day, but then i remember these guys are only going to be little once. remember our kids are the most important things, all the other headaches can wait. hang in there. =)
Oh my God . . . I SO could have written that post myself. And what's worse, my children are little! They have no idea what Mommy is screaming about, just that she is screaming.
ReplyDeleteWhen did everything become so hard? I know my mother must have had the same feelings, but yet she gives me that smug, "I don't know what your problem is" look - is it punishment for the way we behaved as children? Or their generations cruel way of making us feel inadequate?
If the kids are still alive at the end of the day, you are Mom of the Year in my book.
I think to myself everyday (& am reminded daily by my DARLING husband & children ** read heavy sarcasm here **) what a crappy mother I am! I know the whole 'I Have Become My Mother' routine all too well. I just tell my kids to behave & be perfect & I wouldn't have to be so mean & yell :)Sometimes when I read your posts I have to laugh & think from my mind to blog, we think a lot alike!
ReplyDeleteLina
I wish I could scream. Instead I keep it bottled up and pretend I am happy. I've been doing it for years.....
ReplyDeletedear anonymous...you are going to explode. let it out. let it all out.
ReplyDeleteAsking for forgiveness is huge. When I lose it with Olivia, the hardest thing to do is to humble myself to the point of asking a TODDLER to forgive her FULL-GROWN mother. But that's what we need. Seriously. Because pride is the root of so many sins.
ReplyDeleteSo keep it up. :-) No mother is perfect - we're all works-in-progress.
And by "keep it up"... I was referring to the struggling, apologizing, praying, learning, reading, and examining. Not the screaming. Just so we're clear.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how well I can relate to this...especially after the past couple of days. My mom was a screamer. I vowed never to be one. But, more and more lately, I find myself yelling at my kids. This 18 month deployment that my husband is on needs to be over. NOW. I never appreciated how much stress he aleviated when he came home from work at night. I will never take that for granted again. In the meantime, God help me to keep my sanity with these two screaming mi-mi's that I have. The last week seems to have been exceptionally tantrun-filled.
ReplyDelete