Big wheels keep on turning

Ever since Peyton could talk he has asked questions. Not just one or two but sometimes hundreds a day. Some basic, some complex, some annoying or even down right concerning. Here is an example of life with Peyton and mind you these questions were asked in a one hour time frame while getting ready or school.

1. 1. What time is it?
2. 2. What day is it?
3. 3. When will it be Saturday?
4. 4. Do I have school today?
5. Why do I have to go to school?
6. Can I play a video game first?
7. Why do I have to eat breakfast?
8. What is protein?
9. Why is it brain food?
10. Will my brain shrink if I don't eat it?
11. Well if you don't eat eggs why do I have to?
12. Why do you call them chicken abortions?
13. Why can't I wear my Green Day shirt again today?
14. Why won't you just cut all the tags out of my clothes?
15. Why do I have to brush my teeth again? I just brushed them last night?
16. Why can't we just live here like animals?
17. Did you pack my lunch? I said I wanted to buy.
18. What bus do I ride home?
19. Are we late yet?
20. Can we listen to Linkin Park?
21. Why can't we listen to Linkin Park at school?
22. What will happen if my name gets moved over today?
23. Why do we have to lock the door?
24. Why can't I ride in the front seat?
25. Why can't I walk to school?

I was going to carry this out to the at least 50 questions he asked this morning but my head hurts already. These are the easy ones, mostly related to complaints as he is NOT a morning person. At night his wheels really get turning and we get deep questions, about God, death, being born, justice ect. Does any one else have a kid like this? How do you deal with relentless streams of questions?

HER name is MORGAN

So last night I just had to know who Amonte's date was. I mean I need to know what color dress so I can help him get flowers and logistics like transportation, ect. OK damn it I JUST WANTED TO KNOW!

M-So who are you taking to homecoming?

A-No response.

M-So who are you taking to homecoming?

A-No response.

M-AAAAMMMMOOOONNNNTTTTEEEE.....WHOOOOO ARE YOUUUU TAKING TO HOOOMMMEEECOMING??? (complete with hand gestures)

A-You don't know her. (AH A RESPONSE)

M-why won't you tell me...I thought we were close *pouting*

A-No response.

M-Is she ugly? Does she weigh 400#? Does she have backne and a mullet?

A-NO. Christ Leave me alone. *kind of smiling*

M- Well if you wont tell me I'll just have to make something up to appease myself.

A-Whatever.

M-*GASP* I KNOW WHO IT IS! OMG It's like totally Brittney the babysitter!


*Brittney the babysitter is my alternate persona. I become Brittney the babysitter,when I need the kids to recall the rules, be distracted, ect. "Like OMG, your mother lets you eat with your feet on the table! Grody, toe jam!" "Like OMG, I do not wipe butts. EWWWW." "Dude, I am not your mom, DO I LOOK like I have ever had a baby? GROSS".

Yes. I am a freak.

M-Peyton! Cade! Come here quick!

A-Ok mom. God her name is Morgan.

M-That's all I wanted and BTW, so glad your not gay.

It's official...he is NOT gay

Amonte really has had no interest in girls. He says he doesn't want to deal with the "drama". I think it's more of a self esteem issue. But then I started wondering...what if...HE'S GAY?

I would be ok with that. I mean I'm a liberal, I have lots of gay friends, it would be ok. Hopefully he would date a REALLY flamboyant gay man who liked to shop and he would be the perfect daughter in law. We could decorate their new house while Amonte sat on the couch grunting and playing PS2. When they adopt we would shop furiously for baby clothes and I would convince them to name their baby girl Roxy or Lola.

But then I got to thinking about the Internet porn he had been caught with. Thoughts of homosexuality lost. So I asked him flat out.."Are you gay?". Needless to say he did not find this funny...funny cause I wasn't trying to be funny. I was trying to keep an open dialogue..you know like they say you should do with teens. WTF? Teens don't want an open dialogue they want you to leave them the fuck alone and let them soak in all the porn the Internet has to offer.

Ok, I'm way off track now. Anyway, as I was trying to plan my life I asked him if he was going to homecoming on Friday...cause I really want to go to this scrapbook thing with the CLM and I need to know...NOW! He mumbled something about having to get a guest pass. A guest pass??? My heart skipped a beat. "For a girl?" I asked. He shot me a look that left a third degree burn right between my eyes (bye bye unibrow). "Who is she?" No answer....eventually mumbles something unintelligible and walks away. " Hey I need to know if your going with a GIRL because then you have to get her flowers and you are going to need something new to wear." No answer.

I'm pretty sure he is going with a girl. I'm pretty sure he is not gay. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to cart his ass to homecoming and skip scraping...which I'm pretty sure I will be bummed about. I'm pretty sure I will miss his future man-wife. I'm pretty sure that I'm relieved too.

Red dye causes genetic mutation in rhinos

MacKenzie (http://mackenziesmasterpiece.blogspot.com/) was nice enough to do some research for me on rhinos.

Black rhinos eat bushes and parts off of trees which is why that have the upper lip that works like a large finger. And white rhinos usually eat grass but also like to plow up the ground with their horn to eat mineral salts. They are strictly vegetarians.


When I shared this info with Cade (thinking he would be excited), he looked at me as if I has sprouted a third eye and announced "Mister is a green rhino. And green rhinos ONLY eat dogs." He then stalked away in a huff. WTF. I guess Mister is one giant genetic mutation. Probably from consuming red dye...he does live in Cade's mouth after all.


Saturday I found him a tiny little white rhino figurine at the Toy House and since we had a bad morning I picked up up for him as a surprise. He was thrilled...even though it's not green.

Wow, I'm a dumb ass

Yes D- was my grade. Yikes. It was hardddd! *whining* Try it yourself and let me know what you get!

Holiday Inn Horrors

Peyton was invited to a classmates birthday party at the Holiday Inn this evening. His mother had very generously allowed Cade to come and participate also and all the parents were invited to stay. This was a bit awkward for me as I knew no one and since the great weight gain of the 21st century I am self conscious and anxious around people I don't know. This causes me to either talk way too much or not at all...coming across as a total bitch. Anyway, everyone was nice enough and the actual party itself was pleasant. The Holiday Inn itself is in pretty pathetic shape and in my humble germ a phobe opinion the pool should be condemned by the health department. After spending four "entertaining" hours there I would like to Share some advice, criticism...what ever you'd like to consider it:

• If you leave a troop of children unattended at the pool, especially those unable to swim or simply to young to be left unattended, they will be "parented" by other parents. Even though we would prefer to simply enjoy our own children we don't care to watch yours drown.
• If said unattended children do a cannon ball onto my youngest sons head they will be spoken to firmly and if I could find the offenders parent so would they.
• A bra and panties is NOT acceptable swimwear for a pubescent girl. Especially one whose name happens to be Modesty.
• Please do not allow your young boys to swim in boxer shorts that are to big. the water only stretches the...it's not pretty.
• Thirteen year old boys should not have tattoos...much less four jailhouse style done in Ole E lettering.
• Six year olds do not make good babysitters for 8 month olds and should never be left to push them in a swing unsupervised. Ugly things happen.
• Poooter is not a nickname that should be bestowed on anyone.
• Preteen/Teenage girls should not be in the parking lot of said establishment (which happens to be along the highway) in string bikinis doing cheers.
• As a manager: if customers complain about rowdy, unattended children hurdling themselves into the pool and hanging off the balcony you may want to get of your fat ass and investigate. BTW we live in a letigious society and when said child falls from the balcony to his death the parent will surely show their face and proceed quickly with a lawsuit.

There. I think thats it. But what was truly sad about the evening was that the other guests were regarding these children in total disgust. When in fact they were acting just as you would expect a group of children to act with no supervision and apparently no history of parenting. It is not the children we should be looking at, but the parents (using that term loosely).

On a lighter note...

Last night I was dreaming that I was making a blog out of thousands of tiny pieces of scrapbook paper with the help of a giant cricket. Odd huh? Suddenly I was awakened by a bright light and searing pain in my right eye socket. While Ava Judge was twisting herself about like a little contortionist she forcefully kicked me right in the eye. I expected it to be bruised today but luckily it was not. On the down side though it was uncomfortable to curl my eyelashes and you know what a freak I am about my eyelashes!

The worst is yet to come

Let me start by saying that I truly and deeply love all of my children. However, I will admit to having moments when I do not especially like them. I can deal with Amonte constantly moving in slow motion. I can handle Peytons smart ass mouth and energy. I can cope with Ava's refusal to speak and her OCDish habits. But Cade pushes me to my breaking point on nearly a daily basis.

He has been "hard to love" since the day he was born. He was not a particularly cute newborn (although he turned into an adorable baby!), he cried nonstop and never seemed to be content. As he grew this did not change. Cade is loud, demanding and whiny. He is aggressive and can say extremely hurtful things. He knows every button to push. Nothing I say or do ever seems to appease him. He seems to take the greatest pleasure in ruining even the smallest things for everyone. Even simple tasks are a great strain when Cade is involved. I have lost my patience totally with him on more than one occasion and said and done things that I never believed myself capable of.

Cade scares me. He brings out the worst in me and exposes every single one of my weaknesses, my flaws. I feel helpless and tired. Nothing in me seems to instinctively know how to handle him. Nothing I have read has given me any confidence. What's so hard is that he truly is a very sweet, loving, funny, smart little boy. He is probably the most affectionate of all my children and certainly the most sensitive. I feel like his exceptional qualities get overlooked so often because his negative behavior is so in your face.

I love him and am so proud of him in so many ways...so why is it still so hard?

Plague of the Parenting book

Any one who has met my darling little Peyton knows he is a bit precocious. He is a teenager in a 5 yr olds body and makes it very clear that he does not wish to be treated like a little boy. I have been reading a parenting book (or 2 or 3) trying to improve my skills. Peyton has decided to take this as an opening for sucker punches.

A week or so ago:
P-What are you reading?
M-A book on how to be a better mom.
P-Oh. You need that.

Few days later:
Peyton in trouble for the 100th time that day and very angry about losing playstation privileges.
P- (SCREAMING)You need to go read your book some more because you are not a nicer mommy.

Just this am:
Peyton as usual will not get ready in a timely fashion.
M-Peyton Church what is your deal? Could you just get dressed already? Why do we go through this every morning?
P-I don't know. Maybe you should do something with me.
M-Yeah like what?(I could think of a few things believe me but they all fall into the category of inappropriate)
P-Duh, isn't there something in your book?

In case you are wondering he is still alive and I did not follow any parenting techniques in dealing with his smart ass.

Still breathing

It has been a little over a week since Mark left. It's amazing how much can change in such a short period of time.

• Peyton and Cade are no longer at their beloved babysitters. I had no way to get Cade from preschool to her home. They are both in childcare now and neither of them have ever really been in that type of setting. They are acting out quiet a bit...yelling, name calling, hitting (yes they always do that but this is to the extreme). Mark has seen them once and it was a nightmare after he left.


• Ava is without her brothers at Andrea's. Child care does not accept them under 3 years. She seems to be doing ok...I think Andrea has more time to spoil her.


• Amonte seems unfazed...but his relationship with Mark has been strained for the past few months. I think he feels relieved.


• Poor Norm is home alone way longer than he is used to now. He is having separation anxiety and destroying everything. I know I said he stays...but I'm about to change my mind.


• The cats will now sleep on my bed...they hate Mark.


• As for myself: I fluctuate by the minute. I feel overwhelmed, relieved, angry, resentful, hopeful, shameful and afraid all at the same time. I have cried more than I ever thought possible...not just tears but deep gut wrenching cries that leave me feeling completely wrung. I sleep very little and eat nothing (hey maybe I'll lose some weight!).

Every difficult moment I tell the kids "We can get through this together. It's going to get better. We'll be ok."

Tuesday my crappy ass van finally died. While stuck on the side of the road I put my head on the steering wheel and cried. Then I felt Cade's hand on my shoulder and he said "We'll be ok mom."

We'll be ok. One breath at a time.

Testosterone and the Teenage brain

Last night I heard the phone ring at about 9:30 but Amonte answered it and I thought nothing else about it. This morning when I got up late (as usual, remember I have no freaking alarm clock) I found the phone lying on the table beeping low battery. As I was hanging it up I noticed that 9:30 call was from my babysitter:

M-What did Andrea want last night?

A-Nothing

M-Ok, no message? (knowing Andrea wouldn't have called for nothing)

A-Oh. Yeah something about she has jury duty today.

M-ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS LAST NIGHT?

A-Why was is important? (Total blank look on his face)

Nothing like trying to find a babysitter at 6am. Thanks again to my dear mother for bailing my sorry ass out. Geesh..."was it important"?????? Are all those teenage hormones deleting brain cells????

Norm is on Misters menu

This morning I was brushing Cade's teeth and we were going through our usual goofiness.

M-Come on let me get Mister all clean (Mister is the rhino who lives in Cade's mouth-um Mister also is a girl and has a baby)

C-Is Mister in the mud hole again?

M- Yeah and he made a big mess. I think he is gaining wait from all that breakfast you ate.

C-What do rhino's eat?

M- I have no clue...we'll have to google it after school.

*Norm walks into the bathroom and knocks Cade down.

C-I know what rhinos eat!

M-Oh yeah tell me!

C-DOGS!

Truly what do rhinos eat???

The saga of Norm

Norm arrived in our neighborhood several months ago. The kids fell in love with him and begged to keep him. We went through all proper procedures and no one claimed him. It was obvious that someone had spent some time training him as he knew basic commands and was housebroken. I told the kids he could stay until we found him another home as I was not truly convinced that he was what we needed in our life. Well the verdict is in. Norm stays. He stays even though:

• He ate an entire lobster (a stuffed one, I mean come on I can't even afford lobster for me!) and ended up with an intestinal blockage that cost me 100's of dollars.
• He has dug wholes in our back yard that could have been made with the use of explosives.
• He has eaten 2 pairs of crocs, 2 pairs of flipflops, a pair of sandals and a variety of toys and books.
• He eats his own feces. He eats out of the cat litter box.
• He is rather gaseous.
• When he got neutered he came home with a cone on his head and was the shame of the neighborhood. This may qualify as animal cruelty...I'm not really sure: but the boys LOVED to put treats in the cone so that he could smell them but not actually get to them. It was damn funny.
• He has urinated in my bed twice when it was shark week.
• He barks nonstop.
• He knocks down her majesty.
• He tortures my cats.

With all this though, he stays. My children adore him. Last night when I woke at 3 am and laid sobbing on the living room floor he curled up next to me (I had tried to make my cat lay with me but the bitch ran off). Now I adore Norm too.

Where on earth did all this come from???

While getting ready for bed tonight Cade announced that I had "white hair". How thoughtful of him to notice. Upon further inspection it turns out I had like a 100 of them (dear reader please note I am prone to exaggeration). 100 of them and what me with no tweezers (gee I sure hope Mark is enjoying them) and no money to visit my beloved hairdresser. *Sigh* What next?

My top 10

It's hard for me to post at work...without my pictures and with constant interruptions. It's hard to post at home..with the terrorists and my pure lack of motivation. Today I am particularly unmotivated. So here it is what you all have been waiting for my very own TOP 10 (in really no particular order). Here are the things I can't live with out.

1. Coke. It has caffeine. It is a food group.
2. My eyelash curler and Maybelline Great Lash in blackest black. That is like the cheapest stuff ever and it works. I go NO WHERE with out my eyelashes done.
3. Purell. Germs. Ewww.
4. Tide with febreeze. It even makes Amonte's cross country clothes smell good.
5. Cinnamon Life cereal. It's a meal any time of day.
6. Trashy reality TV. No matter how bad my life is, how many mistakes I've made...at least I haven't sunken that low. It's comforting to watch someone elses train wreck.
7. Mini carpet cleaner. Kids and a dog. Need I say more.
8. Chai lattes...hot or cold...for when I feel icky.
9. Ebay. All things in life are better when you can shop in your pj's.
10. Hugs and kisses from my darling little terrorists. With them I am completed.

Fungi Phobia

Everyone who knows me knows I have a major (by major I mean near panic level) fear of mushrooms. EWWW. I mean even typing this blog is making the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my palms are getting sweaty.

So what was in the cafeteria today? Fungi soup and sliced fungi to slather some type of flesh in (oh did I mention I have multiple food issues…food rules will be another blog). So of course my dear friends that I ate lunch with had to have the fungi soup and describe it to me. Bitches.

Now some of my friends are very supportive of my dysfunctional fear. I have a friend who is designated to pick shrooms of my food should they (gasp) happen to arrive on pizza, in Chinese ect. My neighbor knows I will NOT take my kids outside if the giant softball fungi is growing in the back yard…she will come kill it.

My husband is not understanding. He once chased me through the house with a Martha Stewart magazine devoted to shrooms and rubbed the pages on me. I called a divorce lawyer and cancelled my subscription to Martha. Amonte even loves to torment me by ordering them on his flesh burgers and then showing them to me.

Why on earth would anyone want to eat fungus anyway? They grow in dirty basements and moldy places. They smell like mold. Ugg. You may laugh but I was once saved from eating a dead fly simply because I was picking mushrooms very meticulously off a chipati. I have to go take a shower now…I feel dirty.

What the hell have I done to deserve this?

My day basically started at 1 am. Up with Ava. Up again at 2:30 when Mark got home from work. Up at 3:30 to let Norm out. Up at 5 to pee. Up at 6 with Cade who as usual was demanding, loud and unpleasant...of course waking his sister. Everyone wanted a different breakfast. We were out of milk and even worse I was out of Coke. I wrestled everyone in the bathtub and hated myself for having not done it last night but I was to freakin tired.
Drove to Grass Lake for a soccer meeting only to find out after 2 hours of sitting in a hot room being humiliated by my children's rotten behavior that I was NOT the only parent willing to coach and that in actuality there are only 2 families on our team. My boys and 3 of Holly Frey's boys. Who needs a coach? So I was hot, pissed, tired and hungry by the time we left there and so were the kids. Ava passed out in the care only to have the boys wake her up as soon as we got home.
I got Peyton ready to go have his pics taken by Nicole with Cade crying the whole time because he couldn't go. Peyton was great for Nicole and announced in the car that he wants to marry her...but 5 minutes later he was whining, pouting and beating his brother with a playstation controller.
I should have just given up then. But no, my stupid ass decides to take them all to the Crossing to get school shoes for Cade, dog food and diapers. What the HELL was I thinking? I'll spare you all of the gory details: there was crying, screaming, name calling, shoving, running and general mayhem. I became so enraged that I left a full cart in Target and went home with nothing. By that time I was so frustrated I screamed at them all the way home like some type of disturbed mental case. *Sigh*
I feel like such a bitch now. I knew they were tired and hungry but I had my own agenda. I always think we can do something without drama and it never happens. I have these unrealistic expectations of what my life should be. I need to just come to terms with the fact that it is what it is. My kids are not perfect nor will they ever be and punishing them for my own stupidity is just...well...stupid. Add all this to my guilt complex. God, now I'll never sleep tonight.

Baby boys do grow up.

*Amonte entered the 10th grade on Tuesday. He of course over slept and missed the bus (yes on the very first day) and had to be taken to school. Silly me, I wanted to take a picture of him and he was all kinds of pissed off at me. It's hard enough that he is 15 and in High School, but then Peyton started kindergarten the very next day.

*We walked Peyton to the bus stop (and Mark got irritated with me for taking pics of him getting on the bus-I was holding everybody up) and then followed him to school. I swore I wouldn't cry but before I left the classroom I looked back at him sitting at his table...in his big boy clothes he picked him self...with the haircut he chose...looking like a little boy who was nervous and wanted his mom and I broke down. Cade took my hand and said "It's ok mom, me still a little boy". The he smiled and said "but me go to school next week then you just have Ava". Wow rub some salt in that wound Cade. The good news is-Peyton hates the long days and came home and told me he does NOT want to be grown up anymore. He does not want to be 15 or 81, he wants to be a baby boy again.

*Cade starts preschool on Tuesday. My boys are all growing up so fast. I see them changing right before my eyes, struggling to be a big boys when they are still so small, wanting independence but still wanting a hand to hold, needing their mom and disliking me for it. I know my job is to help them grow into strong independent men...but somedays I miss just holding them in my arms.

He did WHAT????

Tonight was total and complete chaos. After a crappy day in general I came home to a million things to do. I put Ava in the tub and sent the little boys into the back yard to play. Amonte of course was glued to the computer and who the hell knows what Mark was doing. Just as I get shampoo in Ava's hair Peyton comes SCREAMING into the house:

P-"MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM"

M- "For gods sake what is it now?"

A-Screaming bloody murder because she hates having her hair washed.

P-"It's Cade mom, come look quick!"

M-"Peyton, I'm trying to wash up Ava unless he is bleeding it will have to wait."

P-"No MOM! Really come look, it's really , really bad."

M-Not concerned...but maybe I should be...no I'm used to the drama. "What is it Peyton?"

P- "He is POOPED in the yard MOM!"

M-"HE DID WHAT???"

P-"HE POOPED IN THE YARD!"

M-Dragging Ava covered in soap and screaming out of the tub and to the back door. "Cade! What the HELL are you doing?"

C-Butt naked. Talking to the neighbors who are cooking out. Very calm and matter of fact, "Me had to poop."

P-"It's ok Mom, I'll get the pooper scooper."

Are you freaking kidding me?

Salesmen from hell

Yesterday I had the misfortune have a garage sale with my children present. This was a bad idea for numerous reasons. It was not a particularly busy day and I really needed to make as much money as I could since I desperately need to buy the boys back to school clothes. I had hoped that Mark would keep them in the house at least until he went to work but apparently that makes anchoring the couch to the floor to difficult so he sent them all outside.

• Woman looking at shirt of Cade's. "Hey Peyton that's the shirt I was wearing when you made me laugh and chocolate milk shot out my nose!" Woman puts shirt back.
• Woman looking at Peyton's shirt. "Mom how come every time I used to wear that shirt I would puke?" Woman puts shirt back.
• Woman looking at Ava's dress. "Mom that's the dress Ava was wearing when she pooped out her diaper at Meijers." No sale on the dress.
• Peyton riding my body by jake ab scissor. P-"How come you never use this mom?" M-"I got pregnant with Ava right after I bought it" P-"What does it do?" M-"It makes your tummy flat." Peyton to the heavy woman standing by him-"You should buy this!" She left with nothing.
• Woman picks up toy that Ava has never played with and has ignored all day. Ava reaches for it screaming bloody murder and falls to the ground. Woman hands her the toy and leaves with nothing.

So much for back to school clothes.