Still breathing

It has been a little over a week since Mark left. It's amazing how much can change in such a short period of time.

• Peyton and Cade are no longer at their beloved babysitters. I had no way to get Cade from preschool to her home. They are both in childcare now and neither of them have ever really been in that type of setting. They are acting out quiet a bit...yelling, name calling, hitting (yes they always do that but this is to the extreme). Mark has seen them once and it was a nightmare after he left.


• Ava is without her brothers at Andrea's. Child care does not accept them under 3 years. She seems to be doing ok...I think Andrea has more time to spoil her.


• Amonte seems unfazed...but his relationship with Mark has been strained for the past few months. I think he feels relieved.


• Poor Norm is home alone way longer than he is used to now. He is having separation anxiety and destroying everything. I know I said he stays...but I'm about to change my mind.


• The cats will now sleep on my bed...they hate Mark.


• As for myself: I fluctuate by the minute. I feel overwhelmed, relieved, angry, resentful, hopeful, shameful and afraid all at the same time. I have cried more than I ever thought possible...not just tears but deep gut wrenching cries that leave me feeling completely wrung. I sleep very little and eat nothing (hey maybe I'll lose some weight!).

Every difficult moment I tell the kids "We can get through this together. It's going to get better. We'll be ok."

Tuesday my crappy ass van finally died. While stuck on the side of the road I put my head on the steering wheel and cried. Then I felt Cade's hand on my shoulder and he said "We'll be ok mom."

We'll be ok. One breath at a time.