Shut Yo Mouth

Happy Memorial Day all! Hope that you are all having a wonderful holiday. I can't think of anything related to the day so you are stuck with what is roaming in my head.

My sweet little Cade has a horrible potty mouth. He loves to say things to push your buttons. Shock value is even better. I have tried everything. Both appropriate and inappropriate. Nothing curtails his foul tongue.

• Ignore it-Check
• Soap-Check
• Sassy Sauce (AKA vinegar)-Check
• Rewards-Check
• Punishment-Check
• Charts-Check
• Discussion-Check

And yet the language continues. This goes far beyond the usual toilet talk (you know about poop) that occurs at this age. I am seriously at the end of my rope with it. Hence the soap and sassy sauce..two things I swore I would never do. Some of Cade's favorite things to say:

• Anything regarding bodily functions and add a body part (ex-poophead)

Then throw in some:

• Dumb ass
• Stupid
• Stupid ass
• Stupid ass muttey mutt Mama
• Idiot
• I hate you (or add any name there)
• Fucker

And then to really get me upset:

• I'm stupid
• I'm an idiot
• I hate myself
• Nobody loves me

Let me be clear that we do not tolerate name calling at the love shack. I have never told my children that they are stupid, dumb ect. Nor have I EVER said that I hate them. I won't say I have never sworn in front of them...that would be a lie. Cade seems to get such immense pleasure out using his obnoxious verbage.

• Why?
• What do I do?
• Is duct tape a crime?

Never Surrender

I feel as if I am surrounded by sabatogers. Waiting in the distance for a crack in the armour. Not just working against me, but people and their dreams in general. I'm fighting against my internal underminings. Waging war against workplace subversion. Defending those whose wishes are repeatedly ignored and deamened. I shall not wave my white flag. So if you don't have anything nice or positive to say or if you're simply too ignorant to know how defeating your words are- go find some place else to play.

Cutie Cum Laude

Dear Cade,

I hate to admit it but I had serious doubts about placing you in preschool last year. It wasn't only that you were starting in the middle of the year-I just didn't think you were ready. You had just potty trained, were still taking a nap and averaging at least one huge melt down a day. You were constantly pushing everyone's buttons. You were demanding and inpatient. I was terrified that you would be "that kid"...the one none of the parents can stand. I'm happy to say that I was COMPLETELY wrong.

Tonight you graduated from preschool. Your years unmarred by incident. You were nothing short of a model student. Attentive, curious and polite. You made friends easily and were well liked by both your peers and your teachers. The "Cade Man" has been loved by all.

It's hard to watch my baby boy end this chapter of his childhood. But I do it safe in the knowledge that you will be successful. You are not "that kid". You are my kid. My big boy. I'm so very proud of you.

I love you with all my heart,
Mommy

Bronze? Are you kidding me?

As of one week ago Mark and I have been married for 8 years. 8 long years. I have had several people ask me why I don't mention Mark often or discuss our marriage. The answer to that is simple really. It could be used against me in a court of law. I'm only sort of kidding.

Our marriage has never been easy. We our complete and total opposites. We are diametrically opposed to nearly everything the other believes. Yet some how we are still together.

There are days like today (frequently) that I have to remind myself exactly why I fell in love with him in the first place:

• His sense of humor
• His pretty blue eyes and easy smile
• His ability to make people feel welcome
• He makes awesome potatoes
• He does dishes
• He packs big heat and knows how to use it

Now this may not seem like much. But most days it's what keeps me out of divorce court...or worse yet...prison.

Ps: I did not get bronze...I got a watch. He has been trained well.

This is the end

Last week was a crazy, busy, emotional roller coaster. I am dealing with an issue that directly impacts my family but I do not feel is appropriate to share right now. I'm trying to respect the person who "owns the problem". I am generally a non confrontational person (hard to believe huh?) but this has required me to step outside my comfort zone and I am worried that a good friendship is going to be ruined. *sigh* Anyway. I thought I would just do a quick update of last week but there were a few things I feel deserve their own post. Thanks for bearing with me!

Oh Mother

Fifty things I have learned from being a mom. No, you can't take a class either. It is all on the job, hands on training. Try not to be jealous.

1. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt
2. Silence really is golden...but only if they are all asleep
   
3. Infection control
4. The number for poison control
5. First Aid
6. How to make home made play dough
   
7. How to remove neon food coloring from carpet and walls
8. Never to wash and dry bed sheets covered in glitter glue
9. How to change a diaper on an airplane
10. To organize and maintain 6 peoples schedules
11. How to use a nasal aspirator without waking a baby
12. To evaluate any toys potential use as a weapon
13. To judge the number of diaper wipes you will need within 1 before you even open the soiled nappy up
14. Ice removes gum
15. Goo be Gone is a must
16. Never leave the house without nail clippers
17. 10 edible ways to make and serve Kraft Mac N Cheese
18. How to hold a slippery naked toddler in the shower-without breaking your neck
    
19. Cat litter is a choking hazard
20. Purple pedialyte causes neon green poop
21. Amazing things can fit in ears and noses
22. Frozen peas make great ice compresses
23. Box's are awesome Christmas and Birthday gifts
24. If you hear laughter you'd better look
25. Bathtub crayons are not necessarily washable
26. Finding a spider is less frightening then what you may find in pockets
27. Don't take things personally
28. Sleep is a luxury
29. Laugh alot
30. It's over too soon
31. If the phone rings once at 3am-check your teenagers
32. How to remove vomit from berber carpet
33. Chapstick is edible
34. Kisses work better than band aids
35. It's ok to go to bed mad
36. Pick your battles wisely
37. Be careful what you say...it may come back and bite you in the ass
38. How to take care of a car sick toddler at 80 miles an hour
39. You can survive without eating green vegetables
40. It's ok to sleep in your rain boots
41. Worms make good pets
42. Multi tasking is not optional-it's mandatory
    
43. A Magic Eraser can be your best friend
44. Sharpies do not make good eyebrow pencils or lipsticks
45. Toddlers shouldn't shave without supervision
46. Cabbage patch heads will explode if left in a hot dryer too long
47. Security blankets are better when they are stinky
48. Nail polish is hard to get out of hair
49. Pantyliner's are really just giant stickers
50. If you call a cheese stick a cheese sucker they will eat it
    

Happy Mother's Day!!!

The Longest Post about Nothing Ever

Yesterday was one of those days that just never stopped. I was up at 6 and out the door by 7:45. Dropped Cade at school and headed to my ritualistic Tuesday morning counseling session. Spent an hour working on my self esteem issues. Left feeling as if I had been hit by a truck. Returned home and took one look at Peyton's shaggy hair and thought "damn". His spring concert was that evening and he looked like an urchin. Plus we was to wear "spring clothes" and the kid grew a foot over the winter...leaving him basically with nothing.

I picked Cade up at 11 with Peyton, Ava and dear hubby in tow and headed to our illustrious mall. Our mall doesn't even have a food court if that tells you anything. Peyton is OBSESSED with Tom Morrello from Rage Against the Machine. Tom happens to be bald. I think this may have something to do with the fact that he is in his 40's but Peyton is sure it is a fashion statement. After much debate I agreed to let him have it cut down to the scalp. It was a darn good thing too...because she found a huge blood sucking tick embedded in his little egg head. After I nearly died from humiliation I came around enough to worry about Lyme disease. I quickly called the health dept and they said as long as his little friend was alive we could drop him by and have him tested. I will NEVER put my kids to bed after ball practice without checking their craniums for critters again.

Cade also got a new do. The mohawk he has been wanted for a year. First I had her cut it into a fau hawk. He was not pleased at all. So I figured what the hell. I let one kid shave it bald I may as well let him have his beloved hawk. It actually turned out pretty cute. I wish I would have taken before and during photos-but I'm a slacker and I was having PTSD from the whole blood filled microorganism thing.

Not a great pic but Cade with his "hawk"

Peyton now bald, with tick removed.


Then it was on a mission to find an outfit for Peyton's evening festivities. I picked out the cutest shorts and top and thought I was done. However, the shorts had a faint pink line in them. Peyton announced at the top of his lungs that he was "not wearing pink ever" and whined that I was trying to "make him a girl". I sent him out to wait with Mark and picked a more manly orange top and some plaid shorts. I was rather proud that I managed to escape the evil clutches of the Gap with no purchases for Her Majesty. Will wonders never cease???

Next we had the misfortune of eating at Applebee's. It literally is the only place to dine in the mall unless you want pretzels. It is always horrible and I have no clue why we continue to put ourselves at risk for food poisoning. The kids behaved about equal to the service we had. Lovely meal. Wonderful company.

Finally, I made the mistake of dropping into one of the shoe stores in search of sandals for the boys. I found some really cute Nike's marked $9.99 in each of their sizes. When I had Mark bring them into try them on only Cade like them. To make a long story short we headed to the cashier with a pair of sandals for Cade and some Crocs for Ava. This particular store only keeps 1 shoe in a box and they have to go to the back and get a mate. No big deal right? Well 20 minutes later she brings us a mate for Cade, same size, same type of shoe, but different style. WTF. 10 minutes later I find the mate and they ring up at $19.99. They could have been $50 at this point and I wouldn't have cared. I just wanted the hell out of there. Peyton decided he wanted Skeechers Airators so we headed to JCPenney's. Quickly found them and thought we were on our way when we realized Ava was carrying a purse full of hair goodies from the shoe store. We walked them back and the lovely sales girl had no clue.

Finally we took Peyton's little blood sucking friend to the health department for eval. They assured Mark it was a dog tick but sent it off for testing. Peyton spent the rest of the evening telling people he had a dog "dick" in his hair. Nice.

We somehow managed to get everyone out the door and to the concert not only on time but CLEAN. I know I was stunned too! The moment we sat down Amonte asked for money for a drink and then disappeared and never came back. The concert was fun and the kids all did a great job.

Cade and his friend trying to scare me.

Ava when she saw her brother on the stage.
.
Peyton posing after a great success.

Ava busted for throwing rocks.

As we were leaving Amonte showed up. Apparently he had decided to go time for the track team. Peyton was not amused at all by this. His feelings were quiet hurt. I was totally pissed but Amonte cares less what I think or feel. I do believe he felt bad for wounding his brother. Peyton is still making him pay for it today.

We finished up the evening at The Dairy Queen which was a total mad house. There were several ball teams there and lots of families from the concert. We got the kids their goodies and let them eat them in the back of the truck. Ava made a complete mess and managed to look adorable while doing so.


Needless to say everyone was wiped out and went to bed with no major drama. Yet another miracle. I'm not worthy.

Cleaning out my Bloggy Closet

As you may have noticed my blog has a new look. I'd like to thank the ever talented Jill for the new header. I adore vintage tattoos (and am considering getting a sparrow soon) so this was perfect! Teeni commented that she missed the "now let's go shopping"...I think I do too...but I also miss "quick get the duct tape". I agonize over this stuff wayyyyy too much. I'm just trying to find a theme that works for me and that I can leave alone.

Anywho. You may have noticed that I have been posting very often or visiting as frequently. There are several reasons for this. For starters the "man" pretty much has me on lock down during the 9-5. Then, you have the fact that I am freaking lazy. Top it off with the HOURS I spend reading and writing and it just became too much. I started to not even care if I posted and felt way too much guilt about not commenting. So basically I am giving myself 30 minutes a day to read and post. Anymore than that and I find I am neglecting other things that I enjoy doing and giving up much needed sleep.

So hopefully you will still love me!!!

Spring Fever

I have once again been tagged for 6 random things about me by Reiza (who had some interesting facts of her own) and by Krissa of HalfAsstic (isn't that the funniest name???) Since we are hopefully headed into some nicer weather and I have major spring fever that shall be my theme for this meme!

1. I would rather be hot than cold.
2. That being said-I don't like to sweat.
3. Even if it is 100 degrees out I have to sleep covered up.
4. I have never, ever, even started a lawn mower.
5. I do not do manual labor.
6. I do not garden. In any way.
7. I have a black thumb.
8. I do not tan. Ever. Needless to say I am rather pale.
9. I love to swim in a pool.
10. I hate to swim in lakes. Especially mucky ones. Where the earth oozes between your toes.
11. I am a mosquito magnet.
12. Despite being a "girly girl" I enjoy camping.

Are you guys tired of me yet?

Breastmilk Kegger

Ava has not been weaned yet. Quiet frankly I don't see it happening anytime real soon. She clearly does not want to stop nursing. Since she is most likely my last baby-I am not in a real big hurry either. Sometimes it can be a bit frustrating as she has gotten rather demanding about it. There is nothing subtle about a toddler poking you in the chest and shouting "eat". But for the most part I think we are both pretty happy in our co-dependence. Plus I feel happy to be in good company. The always memorable Marie has rented her uterus again and is expecting another sweetie...curious as to the gender? Follow the trail...go see CookieBitch for another teaser...

Considering only 20 % of American women breastfeed past 6 months I guess Ava and I are a freak show. Pretty much anyone who is aware of our situation feels the need to express their opinion-freely. In general these are not words of encouragement and support. Mostly criticism and disgust. Recently a co-worker commented "well you never see anyone nurse a baby that old". That would be because people like you make people like me closet nursers. I think you would be surprised how many women nurse in secret or have weaned all together because of condemnation. I myself am ashamed to admit that I no longer nurse Ava in public because I am so weary of the stares, whispers and sometimes down right rude comments.
Does it matter to anyone that The American Academy of Pediatrics encourages mothers to breastfeed exclusively for six months, and there after, breastfeed along with other foods for at least a year, and then, for as long as the baby and mother mutually choose? (The American Academy of Family Practitioners agrees.) Or that The American Dietetic Association recommends breastfeeding for at least one year? How about that The World Health Organization encourages breastfeeding for at least two years?

In Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives, Katherine Dettwyler (an anthropologist) wrote about the natural age of weaning for humans, meaning the length of time humans would likely nurse if cultural expectations did not interfere:

From a biological perspective Dettwyler, has studied the
weaning patterns of other large primates and has theorized that an accurate rule of thumb for
weaning would be when baby quadruples its birth weight (7 X 4= 28 months) or has lived six times its gestation age (6 X 9= 54 months). Dettwyler "does advocate that medical professionals and paraprofessionals, family members, friends, acquaintances and even strangers recognize that human children, like their nonhuman primate relatives are designed to expect all the benefits of breast milk and breastfeeding for a minimum of two and a half years. The information that three or four years of breastfeeding, or even longer, is both normal and appropriate for human infants should be disseminated to heath care professionals and parents alike."

The fact is children will self wean. The actual age of self weaning in the US is between 2 and 1/2 to 3 years. Substantially less than biology would suggest and not so late that you have to worry about sending them to college on the boob. I mean really, do you know anyone who spent their college days nursing and beer bonging?

Back Off

If you CHOOSE to not participate in making decisions that affect you and your family then you may not under any circumstances criticize, blame, belittle or judge the decision maker or the outcome of any said decision. Enough said.

Cold Blooded Killer

Norm has usually been pottied and put to bed by the time Mark gets home from work. However Saturday I got home from work late which meant Norm received his meal way past his usual time. So Mark was left to put him out before bed. Not really that much of a chore.

Sunday morning Peyton put him out and I headed to church. When I returned home Norm was napping in his crate. I noticed an odor and thought that I had better wash his blankets...after I took my nap with Ava.

Later in the afternoon Peyton came SCREAMING into the kitchen "Norm has a rabbit!!! I looked out to see Norm happily carrying the upper portion of a cuddly bunny around the back yard. Gleefully throwing it into the air and catching it, then shaking it wildly. I hollered at him to drop it and he completely ignored me. I do NOT do carcasses. Especially those of cute, fuzzy critters. Luckily my neighbor was home and he quickly came over to take care of it for me. Aside from some tears from Ava and Cade I thought the carnage was over.

While I was getting Ava ready for bed it dawned on me...or should I say the smell reminded me...that I still needed to wash the rabbit killers blankets. So I went to his crate and got on my knees. I reached into his den, grabbed a blanket and pulled it out. Like a scene from Fatal Attraction intestines from a petite lapin fell in to my lap. I jumped up screaming like a B movie queen and scared Her Majesty's half to death.

I managed to beg Amonte to put the remains and blankets into the trash. I was left to clean the crate. Complete with blood, bunny hair and a tooth. Needless to say I did not sleep well last night.

Ticketmaster Sucks

So much for seeing His Holiness. For some reason there was an issue with Ticketmaster and now all of the seats are sold out. Well, that is a lie-they do have some $1000 donor seats. Do you think anyone might be selling them outside??? I Wonder if Mom will babysit anyway.....

TFT: An Affair to Remember

There is a special man that has been in my life for 12 years. He was there the day I graduated from nursing school. I was with him hours before my wedding. He has loved me from skinny to fat. He never tells me no. He always makes time for me. He listens to my thoughts, my dreams and my fears. He makes me laugh-loud. He can make me blush like a school girl. He makes me feel beautiful and confident.

I am ashamed to admit it-but I have cheated on him. More than once. I have never been happy about it. There is nobody better. But at times I have been desperate and in need of a quick fix. He knows about some of these affairs. He has never said a word. He never makes me feel small or judged. He takes me back with open arms. My recent indiscretion is too obvious and bold to let slide though. I found someone else when he was too sick to care for me. Not only that, but this person is his friend. However, his substitute did not exceed my expectations and now I need him more than ever.

How on earth do I tell my hairdresser I have been unfaithful to him again???? And get him to fix my hair....

The Power of Negative Thinking

I'm sure all of you have been on the edge of your seats waiting to hear about our mini spring break get away:

As you know this has been a very difficult winter for my family. Even though we certainly could not financially afford to do anything magical for break-I felt as if we all deserved a little break and hoped it would lift our spirits.

Thursday am started with a quick trip to the beauty shop to make me a little more presentable. After the Marilyn Manson do was tamed we set off to The Great Wolf Lodge in Sandusky Ohio-about a 2 1/2 hour road trip.

As most of you know traveling with small children can be challenging, infuriating and disappointing. I have found that expecting the worst makes it much more bearable. I am less irritated when Peyton barfs in the car-I knew it was coming. I don't want to plug my ears and scream at the 100th "are we almost there". I accept the fact that they will whine and complain despite the effort and expense we have put forth. Then when they actually enjoy themselves or god forbid behave it's like a little gift. Putting away the unrealistic expectations of the "perfect family vacation" allows the mayhem to be...dare I say...enjoyable?

After the usual fighting, potty stops, snack spills, vomiting and temperature complaints Ava and Cade fell asleep and stayed that way for the last hour on the road. They woke when we pulled into the lodge and they were all oozing with excitement.

Since the whole draw of the lodge is the water park we quickly headed that way. The boys were amazed (as was Mark). However, Her Majesty was less then impressed. In the center of the park is a giant bucket. As the water level in the bucket reaches the top a bell begins to ring. Then gallons of water pour down on to the waiting crowd. This is followed by a heavy mist that blasts the surrounding area. She was totally freaked out. We spent the entire day with her clinging to me like a baby monkey while I downed Pina Coladas. After dinner I did not even attempt to take her back. Mark and the boys went and stayed till close.

Suggestion of entering the water!


The bell is ringing!

The water's dumping!

The mist is blowing!


We spent the whole next day at the water park. After several hours and much pleading I managed to convince Ava to get in the hot tub. That seemed to make her a little more willing to explore. I was then able to get her into the kiddie area to at least splash a bit. She staunchly refused to go down even the tiniest slide. So again I spent most of the day people watching, drinking Pina Coladas and calming her when the bell would start ringing.

The boys were crazy little fish that I hardly saw either day. They went down every slide, had the bucket dumped on them to many times to count and found girlfriends. Huh. Come to think of it I hardly saw Mark either...maybe he had a bikini babe too.

Best Buddies!!!



That evening we went to the clock tower to watch a "bedtime show". The boys were a little bored but Ava really got into it. She put on just as much of a performance as the figurines did. She was dancing and singing up a storm. At bedtime Cade told me it "was the best day ever" and Peyton thanked us for bringing them! SHOCKER!

We headed out early Saturday since Mark had to work. They each picked out something special. Peyton choose a shirt and Cade and Ava grabbed up stuffed wolves. Ava's has been dubbed Willow and it is her constant companion. Too bad the damn thing is-or I should say was-white.

Amonte elected to stay home which I had mixed feelings about. He would not have been able to swim and I think he would have been bored to death. But I missed him and spent the whole time worrying about him. I'm sure I called too often for his liking. I was impressed that when we got home the house was still standing and he had taken care of the dog. I think he really enjoyed having a break from the kids.

We are now suffering the financial consequences of our excursion. But you know what? It was worth it. We all had a good time and my kids exceeded my more realistic expectations. I look forward to our next great adventure.

His Holiness

I am so excited I can hardly stand it! On Saturday, Amonte and I are going to Ann Arbor to hear the Dalai Lama speak. We are attending two-two hour sessions on "Engaging Wisdom and Compassion". Big thanks to mom for watching the terrorists so Amonte and I can become more enlightened!

Jose Eber 911

Note to self:

Just because your best friend's sister is a stylist in an upscale salon does not mean that you should allow your bff (who is a therapist) to color your hair. Well, at least the gray is covered.

Carnival of Crazy: Admission free

I have been tagged by LeeAnn and Anne for seven random things about me. I truly must be a giant freak show because I can always come up with something random and usually a bit odd.

1. I have two tattoos and plan to have more. I love the way it feels.
2. I used to have my belly button pierced but then I got fat. Nobody wants to see that.
3. I have tons of chicken pox scars. I had an absolutely horrid case.
4. When I worked public health my entire office was struck by head lice...including me.
5. When I was pregnant with Ava I wanted to drink Tide...but I didn't.
6. I never wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to work in fashion.
7. I have been clinically depressed since elementary school.
8. I got drunk for the first time in 6th grade.
9. I used to party with rock stars.
10. I hit a cop car-but didn't get a ticket :)
    
11. I have been to driver improvement twice.
12. Once, I threw up a jellyfish.
13. I hate yellow gold.
    
14. I never go anywhere without mascara.

I really stink at tagging people. If you want me to get to know you better go ahead and post seven JUICY things about you.

Ok and try to act shocked. I have more bling. It's The Daily Dose Award. As I am one of witchypoo's daily must reads. Now, I know I am her cyber bitch and all but don't be hate'n.

I am to give this to three of my daily must reads. That is a hard one! Do you think Perez Hilton would accept it? No? Well then : Law student Hot Mama (especially since I screwed up her last award!), Don Mills Diva and Melinda.

No June Cleaver

Days like Tuesday, when I left Ava at the sitters knowing she was sick-I wish I could be at home. Days like Wednesday when I left the kids at the sitter and not a single one of them even wanted to kiss me goodbye-I wish I could be at home.

But for the most part I have no desire to be a stay at home mom. I tried it once and it was not pretty. I'm not structured, scheduled or consistent enough. It was total mayhem seven days a week. Nobody ever knew what was coming next, including me. I had all these grand ideas of field trips, crafts and home cooked meals. What I got was not what I had bargained for.

I'm a better mom when I work. I appreciate my time with my kids more. I look forward to days off with them. They have a schedule...a routine...by sheer necessity. No, it's not always easy. Sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions. I feel guilty a lot.

I have an awesome sitter and that helps. She is all of the things that I am not. My kids eat well balanced meals and are not learning to swear in five different languages when they are with her. She loves them as much as I do. She cares for them like they are her own. Without her I could not manage. It would be unbearable to be away from them all day and not know that they were completely safe.

I think it's easy for women to judge each other. To criticize another womans decisions. No, I probably don't have to work. We could manage. We would have to do without a lot. Mostly my sanity.

If you know a stay at home mom recognize how difficult her job is. If you know a working mother don't assume she doesn't care about the well being of her kids. If you have an awesome care provider thank her every chance you get and make sure she knows how much you appreciate her!

Who Punk'd Peter Rabbit?

Ava in line for the Easter bunny. Literally shaking in her ballet flats.


Ava when I told her we were next. That is not a look of excitement.


Cade in line...not being a "fraidy cat".


This was as close as Cade got to the bunny.


Ava when I told her the Easter bunny was coming!