I have a wedgie

I have seriously had my panties in a wad all day. I did have a nice, happy, ray of sunshine post planned but I am so not in the mood. My mother always told me if I didn't have anything nice to say I should keep my mouth shut. But I feel like venting. Since my freaking kids don't listen to me I guess you'll have to.

• Does it not bother anyone else that our home is a total pigsty??? How do you just continue to live in this house and ignore it? Why is all the cleaning my responsibility? Have you people no shame?
• Amonte is still sleeping. He stayed up till 7 am. He has been ignoring his school work and trying to start bullshit between me and the sperm donor.
• I can't stand people that think just because they made the rules that the rules don't apply to them.
• I seriously need Nanny 911. My kids are out of control. They are making me totally insane. I feel like a referee in a cage match.
• I'm going to rip Norm's voice box out if he doesn't SHUT UP.
• I'm completely and totally broke.
• Again with the housework. The laundry is piled up, the sink is full of dishes and the trash is full. Nobody. Cares.
• I have a meeting at work tomorrow that I do not even want to begin to deal with.
• Why do I even bother to cook when nobody will eat it?
• How come it's never my day to sleep in?

See I told you I was on a mission today...and it's not even shark week. Can you imagine what I bitch about when it is. And before you going feeling sorry for my kids that they were stuck at home all day let me give you the run down on them:

• 2 poopy diapers
• 1 refusal to wipe own butt
• 3 baths
• bathroom flooded x 2
• snacks, snacks and more snacks
• screams of "I'm hungry" only to turn their noses up at dinner
• 1 lazy ass teenager snoring in my chair
• numerous time outs
• dog food all over the kitchen floor
• danimals all over the carpet
• 100 tattles
• 6 meltdowns
• 1 short nap
• a daughter covered head to toe in push up pop who then climbed in my bed
• teenagers socks in living room floor
• 2 searches for missing game boy
• stop breathing on me, stop looking at me
• poop humor all day long
• the new name to call is "ugly mutt"
• 1 pack of shredded diaper wipes
• 1 box of wheat thins newly opened dumped in the garbage can
• 1 girl covered in ink moments after bath
• transformer picked up from paint your own pottery last night now has broken arm
• 1 smashed lipstick
• whining. whining and more whining.

Do you want me to keep going? Or are you ready to drink yet. That sounds like a good idea. I have one tiny 6 oz bottle of wine left. I'm a light weight so that should do. Cheers.

Thank you-Come again!

On February 28th someone abandoned this beautiful baby girl in a cab in Queens, New York. The cab driver immediately took her to a firehouse which had been designated as a "safe have. Numerous states have adopted "safe haven" policies as a way to ensure that unwanted infants are left safely. In Michigan for example, you can leave a baby at a fire station, hospital or police station with no questions asked. If the baby is left safely and is unharmed criminal charges are not filed. In the Queens are there are approximately 450 places designated as "safe havens". I'm not sure which is more disturbing: that someone abandoned this beautiful baby in a cab or that Baby Safe Haven is actually working on a partnership with 7-11. Yes, the party store. This would allow people to leave their baby 24 hours a day with a 7-11 clerk. Have any of you ever seen the movie Clerks? Have any of you ever been in a 7-11? Do I need to say more?

Heavy Metal Hangover

Dear Mark,
When I encouraged you to go to the Drowning Pool and Saliva concert last night with your buddies it never once occurred to me to remind you to act your age. In hindsight perhaps I should have warned you that 36 year old men who stay out drinking all night and jumping in the mosh pit tend not to fare well the next morning. However, had I issued such warning I may have missed out on the pleasure of watching you suffer this am. My bad hunney.
XO
Zoe

MeMeMeMe!

Melinda gave me this cute little award! Don't ya just want to hug him? Melinda always has the best give aways and her blog is chock full of need to know information. I'd like to pass it on to Cookiebitch but she hates all things cute and cuddly-and I'm afraid she would hurt me!

witchypoo has tagged me for 7 quirky things about me. Since I am her internet bitch I will quickly comply. Apparently I am a rather quirky person...because even though I have done a few of these I always manage to be able to list a few more goofy things about myself. Who knew.

1. I hate feet. I find them utterly disgusting. I don't like my feet to be touched either...unless I'm having a pedicure. Then it's ok. But only then and by a paid professional.
   
2. When ever I come in contact with someone wearing acrylic nails all I can think about is the obscene number of bacteria living under them.
3. I LOVE to have my eyebrows waxed.
4. I love to pop pimples an pick blackheads. Oh the faces I would love to get my little extractor on.
5. I love the smell of bleach.
6. I have to clean my ears everyday. Yes, I know your not supposed to. But I have to. Ear wax is repulsive.
7. When I grocery shop I organize my food on the conveyor belt so that like things are bagged together. So, I'm a little OCD. Ok?

I tag Jessica Of One Swift Click fame and Keri.

A letter to my body

Dear Body,

Our relationship started out well enough. We had an easy childhood. Free from complications aside from a total lack of coordination. Then puberty hit. Your sudden hatred for me was appalling. You shot me to my adult height in one summer. You gave me breasts when my classmates only had buds. You brought me my period at the tender age of 11. You unleashed the hatred of my best friend and an entire class of 6th grade girls.

But then I discovered boys. Suddenly I viewed you in a new way. You were a tool. You were power. I abused you. I allowed others to use you. You knew when to say enough. You willed life to grow despite the tiny pills I took religiously to remain barren. You were gentle during my pregnancy. You facilitated an easy birth and a quick weight loss.

Life with you was good. Easy. I cared for you when I wanted. Nourished you as I pleased. You remained thin and strong.

Then 30 came. Three babies in a row. Pregnancies where you punished me for my earlier disregard with unrelenting vomiting, high blood pressure, blood clots, pneumonia. But then in regret you again gave me gentle births and allowed me to nurse my babes from my breasts.

You may forgive but you do not forget. You have refused to let go of the baby weight. You have given into gravity. I'm no longer confident inside you. I'm ashamed of you. I call you names. Belittle you. You are an excuse for my sorrow. You have betrayed me.

And I have betrayed you. I have poisoned you. Neglected you. By degrading you I am slowly killing myself. Striping my eyes of light. Allowing the despair to crush my soul.

I want our relationship to be different. I want to change but I don't know how. Will you help me now? Will you be my partner? My friend? Will you forgive me?

Zoe

*for more letters to my body check out BlogHer

Oh Bother

Why do I bother? Really? Mark didn't work tonight so we decided to take the terrorists out to eat. Yeah all four of them. I know what am I crazy? Well, yes. Actually I am. Occasionally I get this misguided belief that maybe, just maybe I could sit down to a meal with my lovely children and be spared public humiliation. I know your all laughing at me. Stop it.

So we ventured out to one of Hicksville's fine dining establishments. By fine dining I mean we had a waitress, there was no buffet and the plates weren't paper. In less than five minutes Amonte had his I-Pod on-Ava had thrown all her silverware on the floor and was trying to pull my shirt off -Peyton and Cade were beating the crap out of each other. Surprisingly, we didn't have to ask for our bill.

After attempting to eat my meal with both Cade and Ava mauling me, Peyton crying to sit with me and Amonte permanently damaging his ear drums I was more than ready to head home to bed. Mark took Peyton to spend the night with my mom and I ventured out into the snow with the three remaining darlings.

Ava is down to only having her pacifier (her "boo") in the car and in bed. Of course "boo" was no where to be found so she SCREAMED the entire way home. This greatly upset Cade and his ultra sensitive ears so he had to scream too. Oh, plus I could hear Amonte's crap rap like I had the head phones on. James Blunt at full blast is not relaxing. Who knew.

Now Ava and Cade are sleeping in my bed with their arms wrapped around each other. Amonte still has his I-Pod on. Mark has assumed his position on the couch and Norm is snoring in his crate. I hope my mom is having as much luck with Peyton Church.

Sweet Dreams.

Love me Love me not

Jennifer did this on her blog and I thought it was cute so I'm going to copy her.

Things I love to hate:

• Glenn Beck


• Country Music


• Formula Sales Reps


• Nestle


• Prejudice, Poverty and Cruelty


• Fur


• George W. Bush


• Bumper stickers


• Walmart

Things I hate to love:

• Coke a Cola-obesity, dental disease and addiction in a can. Yum.


• Reality Tv


• The drama that is Britney Spears life


• Perez Hilton


• Witty T-shirts


• Pacifiers


• Girl Scout Cookies


• The 80's


• My new cell phone


• Rap music

Things I love, love love:

• Cupcakes


• The laughter of children


• Hello Kitty and Chococat


• Buying fabric and scrapbook supplies


• Watching my kids sleep


• The smell of a clean baby


• Rain


• Purses


• New make-up


• Rubbing my cheek on a baby's head


• Creating


• Halloween


• Sloppy kid kisses


• Rob and Big


• Stationary

Curfew Violation

It's 1:15 in the morning. Do you know where your teenager is? Cause I have no freakin clue. Amonte had a date today that fell through. Against my better judgement I let him go out to a teen night club. His dad picked him up at 8:30 and dropped him off there. He was to pick him up. I put minutes on Amonte's phone to be sure I could get a hold of him. No answer on his phone or his dad's. I'm tired of playing on his laptop and want to go to bed. But can I? Umm. No. Not until I know he is home safe and sound.

This had been a pretty good day. Peyton stayed at his friend's house last night. So Cade and I got up early and went to breakfast and then went to one of those "paint your own pottery places". Cade made a robot and I made a cupcake. We had a really nice time and he looked so cute with his new faux-hawk hairdo. He is such a loving and sweet boy when we are alone.

Then we picked up Peyton and came home. Since it is the weekend Peyton was pretty much absorbed in his video games, as was Cade. All of the little ones were asleep by 8. Which left me with a very quiet house! I should have done laundry, paid bills, scrapbooked, cleaned...anything. But I sat on the couch with Amonte's lap top, drank a Coke and listened to music. so very nice and relaxing.

Until now. I'm gonna kick another hole in his ass...as soon as I find him.

College fund or Rehab?

I guess I need to update on Her Majesty. She has hit 2 with full force and has been keeping me rather busy.

• The Saturday that Cade infected everyone Ava and I were working on potty training. The day before I had bought her The Royal Potty which plays music when you go. She was most impressed and was using it frequently. While I was washing her potty for the 100th time Peyton came into the bathroom and announced "you are going to be so mad at Ava" and walked out. I thought "what else is new?" and kept cleaning. Amonte then came home from his dad's and asked "do you really want Ava doing shots of Tylenol?". WTF???? Yes, there she is on the kitchen floor with a little medicine cup tipping back children's Tylenol like an experienced bar whore.
• I called poison control and of course got someone who literally spoke NO English. Nice. My mommy came out to watch the other kids and I dressed Her Naughtiness and drug her to Big Medicines ER. Big medicine has a beautiful new ER and a horrible reputation. I was not amused.
• To make a long story short we spent the remainder of the evening there force feeding her charcoal and being completely ignored by the staff. Except of course the one who walked by and whispered loudly to a co-worker "overdose" and shook her head.
• For Ava's first birthday I had a giant fairy themed party. Unfortunately we had a blizzard that day and the party was pretty much a wash. I really didn't feel right having another huge party for her when Amonte hasn't even gotten to celebrate his 16th yet so I just planned something small. Tuesday my friend CoCo and I took her to Novi for a "girl's day". We went to Build a Bear, had lunch, shopped and got her first real haircut. We drove home from Novi in a snow storm. Do you thing this is some kind of omen??? Mark's dad and and his girlfriend came over, along with Coco and we had pizza, presents and cupcakes.
  

Naming Her creation "LoLa".

Lola and Ava having lunch.

Ava getting her cut and a blow out. I was stunned she let him blow her hair out straight. Afterwards she kept flipping it all around. She was rather impressed with herself.


Opening gifts.

Forcing my love of all things Hello Kitty on her with some crafty cupcakes.

She kept blowing out the candle before we were done singing.

• That same night she got sick. Which was also fairly reminiscent of her first birthday when she was admitted to the hospital shortly after with a horrible case of RSV. Luckily this was minor and she was on the mend by the weekend for her second party at my parents house.

Again with my love for Hello Kitty. This fine confection courtesy of Grandma.

Eating her cake. Actually she merely cut it and spread it around. For some ungodly reason this little freak of nature does not love cake.

Loving on her new cousin Charmin. She is generally not a fan of anyone stealing her thunder and I was a bit worried how she would respond. Luckily she loved him!

• And finally. I do believe that I have created a monster. On a short shopping trip to find a dress for her pictures she had a complete and total meltdown over a pair of shoes. Shoes that she loved, coveted and carried gently all through the Gap. Shoes that I had no intention of buying as they did not match the dress and they were summer shoes. It's freezing here people. I bought her another purse instead.
  

Pass the brie please

Ok, I'm going to whine. Really, really loud. Yesterday I got up and felt like total pond scum. I was audibly wheezy and so weak I had to sit down twice in the shower. I somehow managed to drag my sorry ass to work. I have missed a ton lately and aside from being totally broke I really don't want to get fired. They have been extra supportive but Wednesday my manager asked me if I needed to go to the Employee Assistance program. I was all like "no, I already have a counselor-she knows I'm crazy". Yikes.

So after the shuttle driver leaves me in the dust and I walk into Big Medicine I realize my freaking inhaler is EMPTY. I used the entire thing up in a week. Of course I call the pharmacy and my insurance company refuses to refill it because I have "abused it". Fucking excuse me for wanting to breathe.

Oh great. Their ripping up the nasty old carpet behind the nursing station on this day too. Nothing like the smell of old ass stinky carpet and tons of dust to really turn me into a wheeze bag. By mid afternoon my heart rate was in the 120's and I was really struggling. I called my primary who suggested admitting me to the hospital. Um yeah, that was not happening. So in compromise she sent me to the ER for eval.

Now I was in our illustrious ER about a week ago with Her Majesty (have to blog about that tragedy still) and it was not pretty. My mommy came out and watched the kids and my good friend Andrea drove me in. 6 breathing treatments, an IV bag of fluid and a bolus of steroids later I came home.

Today was back top the Dr. for a shot of steroids in the ass, lots of new medications and the agreement that my lungs are seriously fucked up. I'll be going to see the pulmonologist shortly. For the first time in my life I am really concerned about my health and the impact that this will have on me as I age. I have no intentions of aging gracefully. I intend to fight it kicking, screaming and with surgery. But I fear my lungs may have other plans. Carrying around an oxygen tank does not scream youth.

The Vector

Cade was the one who started it all. Last Saturday I returned from running errands to find him on the couch crying-because his eyes hurt. When Cade has a fever his eyes always hurt. Dear husband doesn't seem to get that. He spent most of the day sleeping and whining. By Sunday he had a cough and runny nose. By Tuesday he was feeling wonderful and happy to pick on the sick ones. However, he still insisted that he was sick too. Cade is our resident hypochondiac. He has discovered that being sick is a wonderful way to get some extra loving...which is probably how I ended up ill...from doting on the petrie dish. After several days of arguing with him about why he in fact does not need medicine he is back to his usually charming self. We are so proud that he is finally learning to share and thank him for his gifts.

Her life in pictures

Ava at 2 years


Ava at 1 1/2


Her Majesty on her first birthday


Preppy Princess at 6 months


Ava on the day of her birth

And the Oscar goes to....

Peyton for best performance as a mistreated child in a tragic comedy!!!!

• Peyton has been a little challenging lately. That in itself is an understatement. He was the second one to get sick last week and of course it was all about the drama...as everything with Peyton usually is. His cough was the worst, his fever was the highest and he did get a raging migraine to go along with it all. He also vomited repeatedly in my bed and never in his. He missed his Valentines party at school which was a huge ordeal as he is quiet the ladies man and was sure the girls all had something extra special for him.
• Recently a classmates father passed away unexpectedly. Sadly, the boy is the one who found his father. The mother and the teacher decided not to discuss it with the class. I found out third hand from another classmates mother when Peyton and her daughter told her. I respect this mothers desire for privacy and to have things remain as normal as possible for her son. However, he is discussing it with his friends and I don't think they are fully able to comprehend the situation without some adult guidance. Since this, Peyton has been having an incredibly difficult time sleeping...which doesn't improve his mood any (or mine). He has also been asking even more questions than usual about god and death. Many that I simply do not have good answers for.
• Yesterday we took him for his dental exam and he totally flipped out. He has never done that before. He has 2 big teeth coming in behind his baby teeth and he is nuts about it. They are going to have to pull 4 lower babies to make room. To do this I will have to bring him back and have him sedated because he was such a mess. He spent the rest of the day asking me repeatedly when he had to go back to the dentist. He even woke me up at 3 am this morning to ask "when?".
• I'm reasonably certain I am raising a pubescent girl as opposed to a 6 year old boy. All I hear lately is "I hate you!", "You're the meanest mom ever!", "You never let me do anything!", "I hate this house and everyone in it!", "I wanna live with someone else!", "Nobody here even loves me!". Add in lots of tears, hysterics and door slamming.
• Yesterday after the dental fiasco took him to see the Spiderwick Chronicals, just the two of us. I felt he really needed some individual time and I wanted to focus on him. We had a great time. He was pleasant, funny and well behaved. I'm not sure who needed it more...me or him. But the second we returned home he threw a roll of toilet paper at his brother and stomped around the house.
• In an effort to make him hate me even more I have banned all video and computer games Monday through Friday. I found he was spending way to much time isolated away from the rest of us filling his head with mush. He has been caught twice hiding in the closet playing his brothers Leapster. Now they are all locked up. I seriously believe he is having withdrawals.

Don't worry. There are no Oscar parties in his near future or anything else fun for that matter.

Wheezer

Nope. Not the band. Me. I have lots of updates. Some funny, some sad. Some just messed up. But I'm going to start with the lamest first. Me. Cause I know how much you all love me. I like to think you enter my little piece of the world to laugh with me...but yeah I know. It's at me. But hey that's cool too.

I have been sick as hell. It started with the flu and nicely progressed into a cheerful case of Acute Asthmatic Bronchitis. My nursing career has done wonders for my health. I had never had a cough in my entire life prior to joining this caring profession. But now I have had so many cases of pneumonia that I have asthma.

Of course I waited four days before going to the Dr. because I was diligently trying to care for everyone else and and make Ava the perfect cupcakes for her birthday. When I nearly passed out putting Ava into the car after her Dr. appointment I finally broke down and went.

After nearly five days on steroids I am still wheezy and now I am bitchy too. However, I can at least make it to the potty with out nearly going into respiratory arrest so I guess that is some improvement. I'm sure I have lost a few brain cells along the way due to hypoxia so be sure and dumb down your comments.

In other news, I tried to go top Achievers (said to be scrapbook heaven) only to find it closed for the day : "due to circumstances beyond our control". No big deal it's only an hour drive. Did a few new scrap pages. Happy with some. Need to post pics. Get right on that. Started "dieting" have lost 4 pounds so far. Of course a head full of snot and coughing up lung tissue does kinda stifle your appetite. Got to see my adorable nephew "Charmin" but couldn't kiss all over him since I'm a sicky. Went to a very disappointing breastfeeding conference. Disappointing in that it was not well presented (although the info was great) and in the knowledge that it will never happen at Big Medicine....where breastfeeding is still like *SIGH*.

Hmm. That's it for me. Oh, I guess you could add fight with Mark, contemplate selling Norm to research and watching too much bad TV. I'm super exciting aren't I? Now I know you'll really be interested when I post on the terrorists!

SOS

The terrorists have unleashed germ warfare of tsunami proportions on the love shack. Only Amonte has been immune. I think he may be the mastermind behind the whole thing. He most likely bribed the little petri dishes with some of that candy well wishers have been sending. Must crawl back to bed. Please. Send. Nyquil. By. The. Case.

Hairy palms and Rosey cheeks

The lovely Tasmania devil Veronica has me thinking about masturbation. Um, not in the way you are thinking ya dirty birds. Although I guess if I were to masturbate there would be worse things to think of...like goats...in purple fancy pants.

Anyway, I'm WAY of course with this. As the mother of 3 boys I am constantly saying: "keep you're hands off that", "what do you have a hold of", "keep the horse in the barn". Boys simply can not keep their hands off that thing. A trait that they apparently never grow out of...but that is another post. Personally I think it has something to do with the trauma ofcircumcision...again another post.

For the most part the boys are happy to play with their inch worms through their undies or in the tub. I can generally redirect them with the above comments. However, I came into the living room last night to find Cade butt ass naked on the couch giving himself a good fondle. Yikes.

I don't want my kids to be embarrassed of their body's or ashamed of their sexuality but I feel there needs to be some limits put on just where and when they can toss one off. I calmly told him that was something he needed to do in his bedroom. He was much too interested in Sponge Bob to go there, so he put on some undies and went back to laughing at barnacle jokes.

How do you keep the U in masturbation at your home...with out it becoming an US?

What I meant to say

Nicole told me about this on Swistle's blog: List 12 things that were left unsaid. "Each one should be directed at someone in particular. You don't say who you're saying each thing to, and you don't give a ton of backstory---you just say it".

1. I know you did the best you could. But your best wasn't good enough and it still isn't.
2. I know that I have always been a disappointment to you and I will continue to be. It doesn't hurt me anymore.
3. I wish we didn't end things the way we did. It always felt like after everything we had been through-there shouldn't have been a reason to write this.
4. I know who you are. I knew all along. But I was too scared to confront you.
5. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I just wasn't attracted to you and I couldn't get past that.
6. I did everything I could to push you away so I could blame you for our breakup.
7. I knew it was a mistake as soon as I said yes. But I was too proud to take it back.
8. I'm ashamed that we were ever friends. It disgusts me the way you treat your hubby. You are abusive and sick.
9. I wish you would leave me alone and stop pretending to be my friend.
10. I'm sorry I can't be the person you wish I was.
11. Why did you open that door again? Wasn't breaking my heart once enough for you.
12. Your facial hair disgusts me and for gods sake chew with your mouth shut!
    

Old McDonald has a goat

Karen is having a contest to win something from her rockin' Etsy Store. Simply post your most emabarrasing moment on your blog or in her comments. Winner takes all.

Many years ago a well meaning boyfriend took Amonte and I to the Toledo Zoo for the day. It was the hottest day of the summer with a heat index well into the 100's. I wore a short thin sun dress with only a scanty pair of thongs under it. Ok, I was like 22. Hawt and skinny. I could so pull it off then.

We spent the afternoon ogling the animals and eating ice cones. When we came to the petting zoo Amonte refused to go in alone. No problem. I lurve me some goats. One particularly friendly goat made his way right over to me. Darling baby. I petted him and gave him some goodies. When I went to walk away he grabbed my dress and got a bit grumpy. I petted and sweet talked him some more and again tried to make my escape.

This time the little bugger stuck his head up my dress. I tried desperately to keep my dress down and shove him out from under it. He was having none of that. He grabbed a hold of my panties and begin to pull. By now we were drawing a crowd. Of course nobody, including my date was coming to my aid.

I continued to try and discreetly dislodge the heinous pervert from under my dress. Suddenly there was a loud RIP noise and the evil creature ran off with my panties. He stops. Looks at me victoriously. Then proceeds to eat my undies in front of an audience.

I spent the rest of the afternoon commando. Amonte told everyone who would listen all day long and for the next 6 months that a goat ate his mom's panties. My boyfriend thought it was his lucky day. He was so wrong.

Go Giants!

Go Giants! Go Giants! Go Giants! * I'm doing the cabbage patch*

I just watched the Giants win the Super Bowl! Yeah! Of course my screaming when Eli hustled out of the pocket with hands all over him woke up Ava. But I'll gladly pay the fine.

I'm not sure what makes me happier: that the Giants won...or that the smug, arrogant bastard Randy Moss did not have the winning touch down.

Now I'm going to sit by the phone and hope that Eli calls and asks me to go to Disney with him. Umm...do you think it would be too kinky to ask him to invite his brother?

Azzdates Version 4.0

Do not attempt to download this file. Your ass will look like swiss cheese. Your fortune cookie fortunes will be depressing and life will never be the same.

Yesterday Amonte and I drove to The University of Michigan in a blizzard to get the results of his biopsys'. We rode mostly in silence. Both nervous. I think we both knew to expect the worst. We both laughed when I said, "I know this is nothing. Everything will be negative. This is all gonna be from those fucking wrestling matts".

An hour later we weren't laughing. We received the worst of all the possible diagnosis. It is in fact Cutaneous or Metastatic Crohn's Disease. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. There are only a handful of cases. There is no real treatment or cure. The wounds he has may heal or may not. He may get more or may not. Lots of questions and no answers.

Amonte has been quiet. I know he is struggling. He has been lashing out at me. Which hurts. I feel helpless and hopeless-as I'm sure does he.

Friday we go back to The U to speak with the gastroenterologists again. We are hopeful they will be able to provide more information. Until then he continues with daily wound care. Pain meds. The unknown. The silence. The dread.