Spring Fever

I have once again been tagged for 6 random things about me by Reiza (who had some interesting facts of her own) and by Krissa of HalfAsstic (isn't that the funniest name???) Since we are hopefully headed into some nicer weather and I have major spring fever that shall be my theme for this meme!

1. I would rather be hot than cold.
2. That being said-I don't like to sweat.
3. Even if it is 100 degrees out I have to sleep covered up.
4. I have never, ever, even started a lawn mower.
5. I do not do manual labor.
6. I do not garden. In any way.
7. I have a black thumb.
8. I do not tan. Ever. Needless to say I am rather pale.
9. I love to swim in a pool.
10. I hate to swim in lakes. Especially mucky ones. Where the earth oozes between your toes.
11. I am a mosquito magnet.
12. Despite being a "girly girl" I enjoy camping.

Are you guys tired of me yet?

Breastmilk Kegger

Ava has not been weaned yet. Quiet frankly I don't see it happening anytime real soon. She clearly does not want to stop nursing. Since she is most likely my last baby-I am not in a real big hurry either. Sometimes it can be a bit frustrating as she has gotten rather demanding about it. There is nothing subtle about a toddler poking you in the chest and shouting "eat". But for the most part I think we are both pretty happy in our co-dependence. Plus I feel happy to be in good company. The always memorable Marie has rented her uterus again and is expecting another sweetie...curious as to the gender? Follow the trail...go see CookieBitch for another teaser...

Considering only 20 % of American women breastfeed past 6 months I guess Ava and I are a freak show. Pretty much anyone who is aware of our situation feels the need to express their opinion-freely. In general these are not words of encouragement and support. Mostly criticism and disgust. Recently a co-worker commented "well you never see anyone nurse a baby that old". That would be because people like you make people like me closet nursers. I think you would be surprised how many women nurse in secret or have weaned all together because of condemnation. I myself am ashamed to admit that I no longer nurse Ava in public because I am so weary of the stares, whispers and sometimes down right rude comments.
Does it matter to anyone that The American Academy of Pediatrics encourages mothers to breastfeed exclusively for six months, and there after, breastfeed along with other foods for at least a year, and then, for as long as the baby and mother mutually choose? (The American Academy of Family Practitioners agrees.) Or that The American Dietetic Association recommends breastfeeding for at least one year? How about that The World Health Organization encourages breastfeeding for at least two years?

In Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives, Katherine Dettwyler (an anthropologist) wrote about the natural age of weaning for humans, meaning the length of time humans would likely nurse if cultural expectations did not interfere:

From a biological perspective Dettwyler, has studied the
weaning patterns of other large primates and has theorized that an accurate rule of thumb for
weaning would be when baby quadruples its birth weight (7 X 4= 28 months) or has lived six times its gestation age (6 X 9= 54 months). Dettwyler "does advocate that medical professionals and paraprofessionals, family members, friends, acquaintances and even strangers recognize that human children, like their nonhuman primate relatives are designed to expect all the benefits of breast milk and breastfeeding for a minimum of two and a half years. The information that three or four years of breastfeeding, or even longer, is both normal and appropriate for human infants should be disseminated to heath care professionals and parents alike."

The fact is children will self wean. The actual age of self weaning in the US is between 2 and 1/2 to 3 years. Substantially less than biology would suggest and not so late that you have to worry about sending them to college on the boob. I mean really, do you know anyone who spent their college days nursing and beer bonging?

Back Off

If you CHOOSE to not participate in making decisions that affect you and your family then you may not under any circumstances criticize, blame, belittle or judge the decision maker or the outcome of any said decision. Enough said.

Cold Blooded Killer

Norm has usually been pottied and put to bed by the time Mark gets home from work. However Saturday I got home from work late which meant Norm received his meal way past his usual time. So Mark was left to put him out before bed. Not really that much of a chore.

Sunday morning Peyton put him out and I headed to church. When I returned home Norm was napping in his crate. I noticed an odor and thought that I had better wash his blankets...after I took my nap with Ava.

Later in the afternoon Peyton came SCREAMING into the kitchen "Norm has a rabbit!!! I looked out to see Norm happily carrying the upper portion of a cuddly bunny around the back yard. Gleefully throwing it into the air and catching it, then shaking it wildly. I hollered at him to drop it and he completely ignored me. I do NOT do carcasses. Especially those of cute, fuzzy critters. Luckily my neighbor was home and he quickly came over to take care of it for me. Aside from some tears from Ava and Cade I thought the carnage was over.

While I was getting Ava ready for bed it dawned on me...or should I say the smell reminded me...that I still needed to wash the rabbit killers blankets. So I went to his crate and got on my knees. I reached into his den, grabbed a blanket and pulled it out. Like a scene from Fatal Attraction intestines from a petite lapin fell in to my lap. I jumped up screaming like a B movie queen and scared Her Majesty's half to death.

I managed to beg Amonte to put the remains and blankets into the trash. I was left to clean the crate. Complete with blood, bunny hair and a tooth. Needless to say I did not sleep well last night.

Ticketmaster Sucks

So much for seeing His Holiness. For some reason there was an issue with Ticketmaster and now all of the seats are sold out. Well, that is a lie-they do have some $1000 donor seats. Do you think anyone might be selling them outside??? I Wonder if Mom will babysit anyway.....

TFT: An Affair to Remember

There is a special man that has been in my life for 12 years. He was there the day I graduated from nursing school. I was with him hours before my wedding. He has loved me from skinny to fat. He never tells me no. He always makes time for me. He listens to my thoughts, my dreams and my fears. He makes me laugh-loud. He can make me blush like a school girl. He makes me feel beautiful and confident.

I am ashamed to admit it-but I have cheated on him. More than once. I have never been happy about it. There is nobody better. But at times I have been desperate and in need of a quick fix. He knows about some of these affairs. He has never said a word. He never makes me feel small or judged. He takes me back with open arms. My recent indiscretion is too obvious and bold to let slide though. I found someone else when he was too sick to care for me. Not only that, but this person is his friend. However, his substitute did not exceed my expectations and now I need him more than ever.

How on earth do I tell my hairdresser I have been unfaithful to him again???? And get him to fix my hair....

The Power of Negative Thinking

I'm sure all of you have been on the edge of your seats waiting to hear about our mini spring break get away:

As you know this has been a very difficult winter for my family. Even though we certainly could not financially afford to do anything magical for break-I felt as if we all deserved a little break and hoped it would lift our spirits.

Thursday am started with a quick trip to the beauty shop to make me a little more presentable. After the Marilyn Manson do was tamed we set off to The Great Wolf Lodge in Sandusky Ohio-about a 2 1/2 hour road trip.

As most of you know traveling with small children can be challenging, infuriating and disappointing. I have found that expecting the worst makes it much more bearable. I am less irritated when Peyton barfs in the car-I knew it was coming. I don't want to plug my ears and scream at the 100th "are we almost there". I accept the fact that they will whine and complain despite the effort and expense we have put forth. Then when they actually enjoy themselves or god forbid behave it's like a little gift. Putting away the unrealistic expectations of the "perfect family vacation" allows the mayhem to be...dare I say...enjoyable?

After the usual fighting, potty stops, snack spills, vomiting and temperature complaints Ava and Cade fell asleep and stayed that way for the last hour on the road. They woke when we pulled into the lodge and they were all oozing with excitement.

Since the whole draw of the lodge is the water park we quickly headed that way. The boys were amazed (as was Mark). However, Her Majesty was less then impressed. In the center of the park is a giant bucket. As the water level in the bucket reaches the top a bell begins to ring. Then gallons of water pour down on to the waiting crowd. This is followed by a heavy mist that blasts the surrounding area. She was totally freaked out. We spent the entire day with her clinging to me like a baby monkey while I downed Pina Coladas. After dinner I did not even attempt to take her back. Mark and the boys went and stayed till close.

Suggestion of entering the water!


The bell is ringing!

The water's dumping!

The mist is blowing!


We spent the whole next day at the water park. After several hours and much pleading I managed to convince Ava to get in the hot tub. That seemed to make her a little more willing to explore. I was then able to get her into the kiddie area to at least splash a bit. She staunchly refused to go down even the tiniest slide. So again I spent most of the day people watching, drinking Pina Coladas and calming her when the bell would start ringing.

The boys were crazy little fish that I hardly saw either day. They went down every slide, had the bucket dumped on them to many times to count and found girlfriends. Huh. Come to think of it I hardly saw Mark either...maybe he had a bikini babe too.

Best Buddies!!!



That evening we went to the clock tower to watch a "bedtime show". The boys were a little bored but Ava really got into it. She put on just as much of a performance as the figurines did. She was dancing and singing up a storm. At bedtime Cade told me it "was the best day ever" and Peyton thanked us for bringing them! SHOCKER!

We headed out early Saturday since Mark had to work. They each picked out something special. Peyton choose a shirt and Cade and Ava grabbed up stuffed wolves. Ava's has been dubbed Willow and it is her constant companion. Too bad the damn thing is-or I should say was-white.

Amonte elected to stay home which I had mixed feelings about. He would not have been able to swim and I think he would have been bored to death. But I missed him and spent the whole time worrying about him. I'm sure I called too often for his liking. I was impressed that when we got home the house was still standing and he had taken care of the dog. I think he really enjoyed having a break from the kids.

We are now suffering the financial consequences of our excursion. But you know what? It was worth it. We all had a good time and my kids exceeded my more realistic expectations. I look forward to our next great adventure.

His Holiness

I am so excited I can hardly stand it! On Saturday, Amonte and I are going to Ann Arbor to hear the Dalai Lama speak. We are attending two-two hour sessions on "Engaging Wisdom and Compassion". Big thanks to mom for watching the terrorists so Amonte and I can become more enlightened!

Jose Eber 911

Note to self:

Just because your best friend's sister is a stylist in an upscale salon does not mean that you should allow your bff (who is a therapist) to color your hair. Well, at least the gray is covered.

Carnival of Crazy: Admission free

I have been tagged by LeeAnn and Anne for seven random things about me. I truly must be a giant freak show because I can always come up with something random and usually a bit odd.

1. I have two tattoos and plan to have more. I love the way it feels.
2. I used to have my belly button pierced but then I got fat. Nobody wants to see that.
3. I have tons of chicken pox scars. I had an absolutely horrid case.
4. When I worked public health my entire office was struck by head lice...including me.
5. When I was pregnant with Ava I wanted to drink Tide...but I didn't.
6. I never wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to work in fashion.
7. I have been clinically depressed since elementary school.
8. I got drunk for the first time in 6th grade.
9. I used to party with rock stars.
10. I hit a cop car-but didn't get a ticket :)
    
11. I have been to driver improvement twice.
12. Once, I threw up a jellyfish.
13. I hate yellow gold.
    
14. I never go anywhere without mascara.

I really stink at tagging people. If you want me to get to know you better go ahead and post seven JUICY things about you.

Ok and try to act shocked. I have more bling. It's The Daily Dose Award. As I am one of witchypoo's daily must reads. Now, I know I am her cyber bitch and all but don't be hate'n.

I am to give this to three of my daily must reads. That is a hard one! Do you think Perez Hilton would accept it? No? Well then : Law student Hot Mama (especially since I screwed up her last award!), Don Mills Diva and Melinda.

No June Cleaver

Days like Tuesday, when I left Ava at the sitters knowing she was sick-I wish I could be at home. Days like Wednesday when I left the kids at the sitter and not a single one of them even wanted to kiss me goodbye-I wish I could be at home.

But for the most part I have no desire to be a stay at home mom. I tried it once and it was not pretty. I'm not structured, scheduled or consistent enough. It was total mayhem seven days a week. Nobody ever knew what was coming next, including me. I had all these grand ideas of field trips, crafts and home cooked meals. What I got was not what I had bargained for.

I'm a better mom when I work. I appreciate my time with my kids more. I look forward to days off with them. They have a schedule...a routine...by sheer necessity. No, it's not always easy. Sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions. I feel guilty a lot.

I have an awesome sitter and that helps. She is all of the things that I am not. My kids eat well balanced meals and are not learning to swear in five different languages when they are with her. She loves them as much as I do. She cares for them like they are her own. Without her I could not manage. It would be unbearable to be away from them all day and not know that they were completely safe.

I think it's easy for women to judge each other. To criticize another womans decisions. No, I probably don't have to work. We could manage. We would have to do without a lot. Mostly my sanity.

If you know a stay at home mom recognize how difficult her job is. If you know a working mother don't assume she doesn't care about the well being of her kids. If you have an awesome care provider thank her every chance you get and make sure she knows how much you appreciate her!

Who Punk'd Peter Rabbit?

Ava in line for the Easter bunny. Literally shaking in her ballet flats.


Ava when I told her we were next. That is not a look of excitement.


Cade in line...not being a "fraidy cat".


This was as close as Cade got to the bunny.


Ava when I told her the Easter bunny was coming!

Easter Revival

Holidays are always chaotic at the love shack and Easter was no exception. As with most occasions I am the one solely responsible for making memories and magic.

Friday, which as I shared before, was a rather lovely day. After our little fender bender I took Cade, Ava and Amonte to the mall to see the Easter bunny. Peyton begged out insisting that the Easter bunny is "gay" and he was simply too "old" to participate in such nonsense. Amonte of course really is too old to see the rabbit-he was just along to look at girls. Cade swore for at least a week that he was "not a fraidy cat" and that the bunny is "harmless". Once we got in line it was a whole another story. We waited at least a half hour with him saying he was going to sit with the bunny -but looking rather anxious. Ava freaked the moment she saw the critter and spent the time clinging to my leg and chewing on her shirt. We never made it past the entrance before they both completely lost it. So no pics this year. I do however have lots of pics of them waiting in line. But for some reason I can't get them up on blogger.

Of course there was also the shopping for things that don't actually exist (but do in the mind of a four year old), searching for things that exist but are impossible to find and returning of purchases made in dire hopes of making up for the inability to procure unobtainable goodies. In the end everyone was happy with their baskets. Well, I say everyone. I have no clue how Amonte felt about his as he spent the weekend at his sperm donors-returned home-went to his room and shut the door never to be heard from again. I have noticed the candy litter on the bedroom floor and Peyton informed me he had watched his movie so I can assume he was pleased.

Easter day was spent lazing around. As we had our dinner on Friday I really didn't feel it necessary to repeat it for just the terrorists and me. They were plenty happy snacking on their baskets. We passed on hunting for eggs in eight inches of snow, but we did manage to color a few dozen. Ava had great fun and kept drinking the egg bath. Luckily it was non-toxic as I don't think I could maintain any amount of sanity with another ER visit. Peyton and Cade tossed a couple at each other-thankfully after they were boiled so no harm. Next year our goal is to make it out of our pj's.

Hope you had a wonderful Easter. Maybe the pics will load later...

Dentist is a PUSHER

Peyton will be a happy drunk. Either that or he'll be the one that you can not convince has had a few too many. I'm not sure which, but I am hoping for the first. Curious as to how I know this? No, I did not ply him with green ale or whiskey on St Patrick's day. Nor do I leave full shot glasses laying around. What kind of a mother do you think I am. Uhh...don't answer that.

About a month and a half ago Peyton's two lower "big" teeth came in behind his baby ones. Although the babies were loose they were not ready to come out and Peyton was a bit squeamish about helping them. He has been blessed with my narrow palate and there is simply not enough room for his adult teeth. The dentist recommended pulling the bottom four. Peyton has always done extremely well at the dentist, but at his last exam they tried to take x rays and he FREAKED out. So they scheduled us for a return visit where he could be sedated. Thus saving them from inevitably having to wear hearing aids.

Last Tuesday we arrived at 8 am for Peyton to be medicated. He chugged down a glass of versed cocktail like a college frat boy. Then we sat in the lobby and waited for it to take affect. Soon he was giggly, babbling incoherently and hallucinating. He was extremely amusing to the entire waiting room which he was enjoying even in his diminished capacity. However, he kept insisting that he could get up and walk. He dropped his book and as I bent down to get it so did he. He promptly fell of the bench and laid splayed all over the floor cracking up.

He went through the extractions without incident and spent the rest of the day laying on the couch dozing and bossing me around. During this time we had numerous conversations about the Tooth Fairy. Peyton was extremely interested as to why she would want his teeth. Cade said that she eats them like popcorn and that they are her favorite food. Peyton thinks she is a little girl who doesn't want to grow up. Every time she looses a baby tooth she replaces it with someone else's.

At bedtime we placed his four pearly whites into a tiny box and put them lovingly under his pillow. He decided to sleep at the other end of his bed. He was very concerned that he would swallow her or perhaps roll over and crush her tiny body. I crept in later and placed a book, four crisp one dollar bills and a note under his pillow. In my teeny, tiniest handwriting I wrote a note from the Tooth Fairy thanking him for so many beautiful teeth. He was thrilled the next morning.

Now the teeth are in my underwear drawer and will shortly be thrown away. I have had several people tell me that they keep their kids teeth. EWWWW.

Pass the Guiness!!

An Irish Blessing

May the blessing of the rain be on you

—the soft sweet rain.

May it fall upon your spirit

so that all the little flowers may spring up,

and shed their sweetness on the air.

May the blessing of the great rains be on you,

may they beat upon your spirit

and wash it fair and clean,

and leave there many a shining pool

where the blue of heaven shines,

and sometimes a star.

Happy St Patricks day! Drink a few beers for me! Damn carbs :(

SUCKER

Yes! That is the word tattooed on my forehead. I even think I may have been born with it. I some how got Tom Sawyered into both taking and picking Amonte up from the freaking teen club. Did I mention it closes at 1am? Or that I have been up since 6 am? Or that I am in carb withdrawal and have a KILLER headache. It is now nearly 12:45. By the time I get back with him Ava should be waking up for her post midnight boob. Cade will be up at 6-"It's morning time mom. When are you gonna get up?" Next will be Peyton-"It's Sunday are you gonna go get me donuts". I am a slave. Shackled by their cuteness, their cuddles and occasional compliments. I wonder how many laser treatments it will take to have this fucker burned off?

Autobiography

Marmarbug tagged me for a meme!!! She loves me.

What were you doing ten years ago? I was working at the U of M in pediatric transplant-killer overtime. Serial dating.

What were you doing one year ago? About the same thing I'm doing now. Pretty lame huh?

Name five of your favorite snacks. Stacy's Cinnamon pita chips, hummus with pita bread, cashews, chocolate covered pretzels and Twizzlers


Name five things you would do if you were a millionaire. Pay off my debt of course, travel to Africa on medical missions, plastic surgery, college funds, lunch with Ekhart Tolle

Name five things you like doing. Reading, sewing, scrapbooking, snuggling with my kids and shopping

Name five things you would never wear again. Big hair, blue eyeshadow, tight ass jeans, a bikini, stretch pants

Name your five favorite "toys". I'll keep this pg. My sewing machine, cell phone, hand held tetris game, guitar hero and pimple extractor

The Proud SAHM tagged me too for 8 things about me. I thought you guys would be sick of my quirks by now but apparently I really am that interesting!

1. I was voted most eccentric in high school.
2. I love men with a since of humor (hence my strong attraction to Jack Black and Old Knudsen). Oh and bald men. Men with accents...and kilts. Oh and men with tattoos!
3. I cry when we pass veal farms.
4. I have no clue what my natural hair color is. I have been coloring it since the 6th grade.
5. I though yogurt was ice cream until 1980.
6. I suffer from motion sickness. You do not want me riding in the back of your van.
7. I can not sleep with any part of my body hanging off the bed. The monsters under the bed will surely get me.
8. I HATE basements. Monsters.

I'm horrible at tagging others. I feel guilty when I do (seriously people I have more guilt than any good Catholic). If you want to-consider yourself slapped!

Cat Chow

There is something seriously wrong with Her Majesty. I mean besides the obvious things, like not speaking. Ava loves to watch Animal Planet. Her favs are Meerkat Manor, Living with Wolves (she likes to howl with them) and Giant Cat Diary.
Well the other night we were watching the "big cats". She would become quiet anxious when commercials came on. As if they signaled an end to her viewing pleasure. She was happily chattering away to the cats when I noticed a baby deer like thing hop into view on the screen. Ahhh. Oh no. The horror that is nature was about to unfold before my delicate 2 year olds eyes.
She was fixated as the spotted panther chased down the tiny creature and slaughtered it. With tears in my eyes I turned to look at Ava. I expected a look of sorrow, or confusion. Instead her face was a glow with excitement. She pointed at the TV and began to laugh hysterically. She continued to giggle uncontrollably while the big cat and her baby ripped the little deer to shreds.
Is it any surprise she is a carnivore? What am I raising here people?

Feed me Seymour

Sarcastic Mom aka Lotus had a feeding carnival yesterday. I had good intentions of getting my post done but sadly my family had other ideas. So here I am a day late. But hey, I figure you'd love to hear about my boobies any day.

Let me start by saying I strongly believe that how you feed your baby is a highly personal decision. It is never a choice as simple as breast or bottle. There are so many emotions, personal history's and expectations attached to to nourishing our babies.

I have successfully breastfeed four children for varying degrees of time. But it has not always been easy. Each experience was unique and had its own challenges. But I have to admit that with Cade, I seriously struggled.

The day Cade was born he nursed like a champ. For a glorious 24 hours we had peace. Then I made the mistake of having him circumcised. I personally have strong feelings against circumcision but it was important to my husband. During the circ Cade was given a pacifier. Against my wishes and without my permission. The peace was shattered.

Cade immediately began to refuse the breast. He was suddenly unable to latch. I spent the rest of our stay spoon feeding which did not go over well with the staff. His bilirubin level rose. They told me he would be "retarded" if I didn't give formula. I continued to spoon feed. We were discharged but had to come back daily for bilirubin levels.

The nursery staff barraged me during these checks. Hounding me to give him formula. Even the lactation consultant seemed to blame me. She told me he was over stimulated. I was taking him out too much, too busy. My fault. I left devastated. I was sobbing uncontrollably before I even reached the car.

Once home I continued to struggle at each feeding. Spending at least 30 minutes attempting to nurse while he screamed and then cup feeding him. Pumping, cup feeding, failed attempts. With each day I fell deeper and deeper into a depression. I taught and supported breastfeeding mothers and I couldn't even nurse my own child. I stopped sleeping. I began to pull my hair out. I became anxious, paranoid.

I knew I was in trouble. My ob was amazingly supportive and prescribed meds immediately. Within a week I began to think more clearly. I became indignant. How dare this child not nurse! I became determined. I used all of the resources I had. At 3 weeks old Cade nursed again. It was the middle of the night but I felt the sun shining on us. The weight of those three hideous weeks was lifted. I sobbed tears of joy and relief.

Cade became an expert nurser. So much so that when I returned to work he refused to take a bottle. After three sitters in two weeks I finally found one who would cup feed him...as he had done before. But there was no screaming, no tears, no heartbreak. I knew when I picked him up he would bury his curly blond head in my chest and nurse with ease.

If I had to do it over again would I have been so militant? Would I have allowed my self to become consumed? Would I have accepted our failure and moved on? Maybe, but I know with every bottle I made...the failure, the heartache, the longing would still have been there.

My stubborn little man today

Shamu Sausage

As some of you know I am a semi-vegan. I NEVER eat red meat. I do not eat eggs. On occasion I will eat pork. I will eat chicken, but only if it is white meat, no veins, no skin. I do eat fish. There are several reasons I abstain from red meat. For one, I think it is disgusting. Secondly, cows are cute. Thirdly, raising cattle is horrible for the environment. Which brings me to my thought:

The Norwegian group: The High North Alliance, which represents the interests of coastal communities in the Arctic(READ THIS AS LOBBYIST GROUP) recently became the first group to measure the carbon foot print of whaling. Norway and Japan (the two primary whale hunting nations) have long been seeking validation of their practices.

The survey, focused on whale boats' fuel use, showed that a kilo (2.2 lbs) of whale meat represented just 1.9 kilo (4.2 lbs) of greenhouse gases against 15.8 for beef, 6.4 for pork and 4.6 for chicken.

"Greenhouse gas emissions caused by one meal of beef are the equivalent of eight meals of whale meat," the study said. (YIKES!)

"Basically it turns out that the best thing you can do for the planet is to eat whale meat compared to other types of meat," said Rune Froevik of the High North Alliance. (WTF?????? Talk about lobbyist propaganda!!!!)

As you can imagine the environmental group Greenpeace dismissed the survey, saying almost every kind of food was more climate friendly than meat and that the threat of extinction was more important.

Now I'm all for being green. I mean I don't eat meat anyway. But if you knew eating whale was better for the environment, better for our children's future, would you put down the steak and grub on some blubber? (BTW do you have any clue how they kill whales? If not then you REALLY don't want to know.)

Just curious. By the way if you are interested in knowing your role in climate change check out your carbon foot print here.

Chunks anyone?

You may have notice from yesterdays post that I was not having a good day. I did manage to get the kids in bed on time and I had just settled down in front of the computer when I heard it. Gagging. I turned around and there is Cade "Me not feel good" in a whiny little voice. I tried to race him to the bathroom but he vomited all over the kitchen floor. While I was cleaning that up (and trying to keep Norm from eating it) he vomited in the bathroom sink. Plugging it up with chunks. Have I mentioned before that I don't do vomit?

I managed to get everything cleaned up with out hurling myself and put him on the couch to watch Casper. When Mark got home from work I warned him that Cade was on the couch and not feeling well. Within 5 minutes Mark was back "we have a problem". When he carried Cade to bed he noticed a horrid smell. Peyton had thrown up in his sleep. It was everywhere. He was covered. Mark actually asked me "should we wake him up?" Are you fucking kidding me???? No let's let him sleep in puke all night.

I woke Peyton and showered him. This time I did blow chunks as it smelled really bad and he was plastered with it. I even had to dig it out of one ear. While I cleaned up the bathroom Mark let Peyton drink an entire bottle of water. Guess who puked in his bed 15 minutes later?

It was a lovely end to a stellar day. Luckily today was emesis free. Just complaints of ouchie tummies.

Now here is the questions:

• How the hell do you vomit in your sleep and never even wake up?
• Aside from a time when you were so hammered you passed out-have any of you ever done this?
• What is the best way to clean chunks of clothes and bedding before you wash it? In the summer I use the hose and power blast it off. Luckily for me Norm managed to gobble some of it off the laundry before I got to it.
• Is there anything that gets that rank smell out-once carpet cleaner has failed?

Help a sister out!!!

I feel pretty oh so pretty...

As most of you know the past few months have not exactly been a cake walk here at the love shack. There has been illness, drama, frustration and just plain craziness. Seriously without my friends (both real and cyber) and my family I don't know how I would have made it through this time. I feel like it is hopefully winding down. Amonte may be headed back to school soon and things are returning to their normal state of chaos. I have several of you that I want to thank:

Mary, Lisa and Amy: 3 sisters who have been amazingly faithful to both my blog and me personally. They recently sent Amonte a care package that totally made his day and mine. These girls are truly amazing friends, women and mothers.

witchypoo: I may be her cyber bitch but she takes good care of me. She is an awesome listener with a great sense of humor. Full of practical advice and I know her healing vibes have been so helpful in healing Amonte's ass.

Michelle: Who sent me the cutest freakin hello kitty easter book from Etsy. I adore it and can't wait to put easter pics in it. For her friendship and support. She has also started a cyber fat camp. Hopefully with her in my cornerI can loose some pudge. Be watching for that on what shall be know as fat camp Friday. I'm even going to take pics of my fat and post them.

Holly: For listening and friendship. For sending me a super cute purse. And inspiring me to create. I wish my craftiness could equal hers.

My coworkers at big medicine: I know I am prone to bitching about my work and the politics. I try not to do much of it here so I don't get Dooce-ed. But during these past months my boss and co-workers have been amazing. From bringing us meals, cleaning my house, doing my laundry, donating money and vacation time to help us financially. Seriously I'm not sure what I would have done without you.

My mom: For the metric ton of laundry she did and for rushing to the house x2 to watch the kids for er visits.

Jeannine: For listening and more laundry. For being the one person who I know "gets" me.

Andrea: For watching my kids for free so I could take Amonte to his various appts. For taking me to the er and staying all night. For your awesome friendship to me and my children.

All of my readers: I'm a comment whore what can I say. Your comments, support and friendship have made the past few months bearable. I can not thank you enough.

XOXO

Zoe

I have a wedgie

I have seriously had my panties in a wad all day. I did have a nice, happy, ray of sunshine post planned but I am so not in the mood. My mother always told me if I didn't have anything nice to say I should keep my mouth shut. But I feel like venting. Since my freaking kids don't listen to me I guess you'll have to.

• Does it not bother anyone else that our home is a total pigsty??? How do you just continue to live in this house and ignore it? Why is all the cleaning my responsibility? Have you people no shame?
• Amonte is still sleeping. He stayed up till 7 am. He has been ignoring his school work and trying to start bullshit between me and the sperm donor.
• I can't stand people that think just because they made the rules that the rules don't apply to them.
• I seriously need Nanny 911. My kids are out of control. They are making me totally insane. I feel like a referee in a cage match.
• I'm going to rip Norm's voice box out if he doesn't SHUT UP.
• I'm completely and totally broke.
• Again with the housework. The laundry is piled up, the sink is full of dishes and the trash is full. Nobody. Cares.
• I have a meeting at work tomorrow that I do not even want to begin to deal with.
• Why do I even bother to cook when nobody will eat it?
• How come it's never my day to sleep in?

See I told you I was on a mission today...and it's not even shark week. Can you imagine what I bitch about when it is. And before you going feeling sorry for my kids that they were stuck at home all day let me give you the run down on them:

• 2 poopy diapers
• 1 refusal to wipe own butt
• 3 baths
• bathroom flooded x 2
• snacks, snacks and more snacks
• screams of "I'm hungry" only to turn their noses up at dinner
• 1 lazy ass teenager snoring in my chair
• numerous time outs
• dog food all over the kitchen floor
• danimals all over the carpet
• 100 tattles
• 6 meltdowns
• 1 short nap
• a daughter covered head to toe in push up pop who then climbed in my bed
• teenagers socks in living room floor
• 2 searches for missing game boy
• stop breathing on me, stop looking at me
• poop humor all day long
• the new name to call is "ugly mutt"
• 1 pack of shredded diaper wipes
• 1 box of wheat thins newly opened dumped in the garbage can
• 1 girl covered in ink moments after bath
• transformer picked up from paint your own pottery last night now has broken arm
• 1 smashed lipstick
• whining. whining and more whining.

Do you want me to keep going? Or are you ready to drink yet. That sounds like a good idea. I have one tiny 6 oz bottle of wine left. I'm a light weight so that should do. Cheers.

Thank you-Come again!

On February 28th someone abandoned this beautiful baby girl in a cab in Queens, New York. The cab driver immediately took her to a firehouse which had been designated as a "safe have. Numerous states have adopted "safe haven" policies as a way to ensure that unwanted infants are left safely. In Michigan for example, you can leave a baby at a fire station, hospital or police station with no questions asked. If the baby is left safely and is unharmed criminal charges are not filed. In the Queens are there are approximately 450 places designated as "safe havens". I'm not sure which is more disturbing: that someone abandoned this beautiful baby in a cab or that Baby Safe Haven is actually working on a partnership with 7-11. Yes, the party store. This would allow people to leave their baby 24 hours a day with a 7-11 clerk. Have any of you ever seen the movie Clerks? Have any of you ever been in a 7-11? Do I need to say more?

Heavy Metal Hangover

Dear Mark,
When I encouraged you to go to the Drowning Pool and Saliva concert last night with your buddies it never once occurred to me to remind you to act your age. In hindsight perhaps I should have warned you that 36 year old men who stay out drinking all night and jumping in the mosh pit tend not to fare well the next morning. However, had I issued such warning I may have missed out on the pleasure of watching you suffer this am. My bad hunney.
XO
Zoe

MeMeMeMe!

Melinda gave me this cute little award! Don't ya just want to hug him? Melinda always has the best give aways and her blog is chock full of need to know information. I'd like to pass it on to Cookiebitch but she hates all things cute and cuddly-and I'm afraid she would hurt me!

witchypoo has tagged me for 7 quirky things about me. Since I am her internet bitch I will quickly comply. Apparently I am a rather quirky person...because even though I have done a few of these I always manage to be able to list a few more goofy things about myself. Who knew.

1. I hate feet. I find them utterly disgusting. I don't like my feet to be touched either...unless I'm having a pedicure. Then it's ok. But only then and by a paid professional.
   
2. When ever I come in contact with someone wearing acrylic nails all I can think about is the obscene number of bacteria living under them.
3. I LOVE to have my eyebrows waxed.
4. I love to pop pimples an pick blackheads. Oh the faces I would love to get my little extractor on.
5. I love the smell of bleach.
6. I have to clean my ears everyday. Yes, I know your not supposed to. But I have to. Ear wax is repulsive.
7. When I grocery shop I organize my food on the conveyor belt so that like things are bagged together. So, I'm a little OCD. Ok?

I tag Jessica Of One Swift Click fame and Keri.

A letter to my body

Dear Body,

Our relationship started out well enough. We had an easy childhood. Free from complications aside from a total lack of coordination. Then puberty hit. Your sudden hatred for me was appalling. You shot me to my adult height in one summer. You gave me breasts when my classmates only had buds. You brought me my period at the tender age of 11. You unleashed the hatred of my best friend and an entire class of 6th grade girls.

But then I discovered boys. Suddenly I viewed you in a new way. You were a tool. You were power. I abused you. I allowed others to use you. You knew when to say enough. You willed life to grow despite the tiny pills I took religiously to remain barren. You were gentle during my pregnancy. You facilitated an easy birth and a quick weight loss.

Life with you was good. Easy. I cared for you when I wanted. Nourished you as I pleased. You remained thin and strong.

Then 30 came. Three babies in a row. Pregnancies where you punished me for my earlier disregard with unrelenting vomiting, high blood pressure, blood clots, pneumonia. But then in regret you again gave me gentle births and allowed me to nurse my babes from my breasts.

You may forgive but you do not forget. You have refused to let go of the baby weight. You have given into gravity. I'm no longer confident inside you. I'm ashamed of you. I call you names. Belittle you. You are an excuse for my sorrow. You have betrayed me.

And I have betrayed you. I have poisoned you. Neglected you. By degrading you I am slowly killing myself. Striping my eyes of light. Allowing the despair to crush my soul.

I want our relationship to be different. I want to change but I don't know how. Will you help me now? Will you be my partner? My friend? Will you forgive me?

Zoe

*for more letters to my body check out BlogHer

Oh Bother

Why do I bother? Really? Mark didn't work tonight so we decided to take the terrorists out to eat. Yeah all four of them. I know what am I crazy? Well, yes. Actually I am. Occasionally I get this misguided belief that maybe, just maybe I could sit down to a meal with my lovely children and be spared public humiliation. I know your all laughing at me. Stop it.

So we ventured out to one of Hicksville's fine dining establishments. By fine dining I mean we had a waitress, there was no buffet and the plates weren't paper. In less than five minutes Amonte had his I-Pod on-Ava had thrown all her silverware on the floor and was trying to pull my shirt off -Peyton and Cade were beating the crap out of each other. Surprisingly, we didn't have to ask for our bill.

After attempting to eat my meal with both Cade and Ava mauling me, Peyton crying to sit with me and Amonte permanently damaging his ear drums I was more than ready to head home to bed. Mark took Peyton to spend the night with my mom and I ventured out into the snow with the three remaining darlings.

Ava is down to only having her pacifier (her "boo") in the car and in bed. Of course "boo" was no where to be found so she SCREAMED the entire way home. This greatly upset Cade and his ultra sensitive ears so he had to scream too. Oh, plus I could hear Amonte's crap rap like I had the head phones on. James Blunt at full blast is not relaxing. Who knew.

Now Ava and Cade are sleeping in my bed with their arms wrapped around each other. Amonte still has his I-Pod on. Mark has assumed his position on the couch and Norm is snoring in his crate. I hope my mom is having as much luck with Peyton Church.

Sweet Dreams.

Love me Love me not

Jennifer did this on her blog and I thought it was cute so I'm going to copy her.

Things I love to hate:

• Glenn Beck


• Country Music


• Formula Sales Reps


• Nestle


• Prejudice, Poverty and Cruelty


• Fur


• George W. Bush


• Bumper stickers


• Walmart

Things I hate to love:

• Coke a Cola-obesity, dental disease and addiction in a can. Yum.


• Reality Tv


• The drama that is Britney Spears life


• Perez Hilton


• Witty T-shirts


• Pacifiers


• Girl Scout Cookies


• The 80's


• My new cell phone


• Rap music

Things I love, love love:

• Cupcakes


• The laughter of children


• Hello Kitty and Chococat


• Buying fabric and scrapbook supplies


• Watching my kids sleep


• The smell of a clean baby


• Rain


• Purses


• New make-up


• Rubbing my cheek on a baby's head


• Creating


• Halloween


• Sloppy kid kisses


• Rob and Big


• Stationary

Curfew Violation

It's 1:15 in the morning. Do you know where your teenager is? Cause I have no freakin clue. Amonte had a date today that fell through. Against my better judgement I let him go out to a teen night club. His dad picked him up at 8:30 and dropped him off there. He was to pick him up. I put minutes on Amonte's phone to be sure I could get a hold of him. No answer on his phone or his dad's. I'm tired of playing on his laptop and want to go to bed. But can I? Umm. No. Not until I know he is home safe and sound.

This had been a pretty good day. Peyton stayed at his friend's house last night. So Cade and I got up early and went to breakfast and then went to one of those "paint your own pottery places". Cade made a robot and I made a cupcake. We had a really nice time and he looked so cute with his new faux-hawk hairdo. He is such a loving and sweet boy when we are alone.

Then we picked up Peyton and came home. Since it is the weekend Peyton was pretty much absorbed in his video games, as was Cade. All of the little ones were asleep by 8. Which left me with a very quiet house! I should have done laundry, paid bills, scrapbooked, cleaned...anything. But I sat on the couch with Amonte's lap top, drank a Coke and listened to music. so very nice and relaxing.

Until now. I'm gonna kick another hole in his ass...as soon as I find him.

College fund or Rehab?

I guess I need to update on Her Majesty. She has hit 2 with full force and has been keeping me rather busy.

• The Saturday that Cade infected everyone Ava and I were working on potty training. The day before I had bought her The Royal Potty which plays music when you go. She was most impressed and was using it frequently. While I was washing her potty for the 100th time Peyton came into the bathroom and announced "you are going to be so mad at Ava" and walked out. I thought "what else is new?" and kept cleaning. Amonte then came home from his dad's and asked "do you really want Ava doing shots of Tylenol?". WTF???? Yes, there she is on the kitchen floor with a little medicine cup tipping back children's Tylenol like an experienced bar whore.
• I called poison control and of course got someone who literally spoke NO English. Nice. My mommy came out to watch the other kids and I dressed Her Naughtiness and drug her to Big Medicines ER. Big medicine has a beautiful new ER and a horrible reputation. I was not amused.
• To make a long story short we spent the remainder of the evening there force feeding her charcoal and being completely ignored by the staff. Except of course the one who walked by and whispered loudly to a co-worker "overdose" and shook her head.
• For Ava's first birthday I had a giant fairy themed party. Unfortunately we had a blizzard that day and the party was pretty much a wash. I really didn't feel right having another huge party for her when Amonte hasn't even gotten to celebrate his 16th yet so I just planned something small. Tuesday my friend CoCo and I took her to Novi for a "girl's day". We went to Build a Bear, had lunch, shopped and got her first real haircut. We drove home from Novi in a snow storm. Do you thing this is some kind of omen??? Mark's dad and and his girlfriend came over, along with Coco and we had pizza, presents and cupcakes.
  

Naming Her creation "LoLa".

Lola and Ava having lunch.

Ava getting her cut and a blow out. I was stunned she let him blow her hair out straight. Afterwards she kept flipping it all around. She was rather impressed with herself.


Opening gifts.

Forcing my love of all things Hello Kitty on her with some crafty cupcakes.

She kept blowing out the candle before we were done singing.

• That same night she got sick. Which was also fairly reminiscent of her first birthday when she was admitted to the hospital shortly after with a horrible case of RSV. Luckily this was minor and she was on the mend by the weekend for her second party at my parents house.

Again with my love for Hello Kitty. This fine confection courtesy of Grandma.

Eating her cake. Actually she merely cut it and spread it around. For some ungodly reason this little freak of nature does not love cake.

Loving on her new cousin Charmin. She is generally not a fan of anyone stealing her thunder and I was a bit worried how she would respond. Luckily she loved him!

• And finally. I do believe that I have created a monster. On a short shopping trip to find a dress for her pictures she had a complete and total meltdown over a pair of shoes. Shoes that she loved, coveted and carried gently all through the Gap. Shoes that I had no intention of buying as they did not match the dress and they were summer shoes. It's freezing here people. I bought her another purse instead.
  

Pass the brie please

Ok, I'm going to whine. Really, really loud. Yesterday I got up and felt like total pond scum. I was audibly wheezy and so weak I had to sit down twice in the shower. I somehow managed to drag my sorry ass to work. I have missed a ton lately and aside from being totally broke I really don't want to get fired. They have been extra supportive but Wednesday my manager asked me if I needed to go to the Employee Assistance program. I was all like "no, I already have a counselor-she knows I'm crazy". Yikes.

So after the shuttle driver leaves me in the dust and I walk into Big Medicine I realize my freaking inhaler is EMPTY. I used the entire thing up in a week. Of course I call the pharmacy and my insurance company refuses to refill it because I have "abused it". Fucking excuse me for wanting to breathe.

Oh great. Their ripping up the nasty old carpet behind the nursing station on this day too. Nothing like the smell of old ass stinky carpet and tons of dust to really turn me into a wheeze bag. By mid afternoon my heart rate was in the 120's and I was really struggling. I called my primary who suggested admitting me to the hospital. Um yeah, that was not happening. So in compromise she sent me to the ER for eval.

Now I was in our illustrious ER about a week ago with Her Majesty (have to blog about that tragedy still) and it was not pretty. My mommy came out and watched the kids and my good friend Andrea drove me in. 6 breathing treatments, an IV bag of fluid and a bolus of steroids later I came home.

Today was back top the Dr. for a shot of steroids in the ass, lots of new medications and the agreement that my lungs are seriously fucked up. I'll be going to see the pulmonologist shortly. For the first time in my life I am really concerned about my health and the impact that this will have on me as I age. I have no intentions of aging gracefully. I intend to fight it kicking, screaming and with surgery. But I fear my lungs may have other plans. Carrying around an oxygen tank does not scream youth.

The Vector

Cade was the one who started it all. Last Saturday I returned from running errands to find him on the couch crying-because his eyes hurt. When Cade has a fever his eyes always hurt. Dear husband doesn't seem to get that. He spent most of the day sleeping and whining. By Sunday he had a cough and runny nose. By Tuesday he was feeling wonderful and happy to pick on the sick ones. However, he still insisted that he was sick too. Cade is our resident hypochondiac. He has discovered that being sick is a wonderful way to get some extra loving...which is probably how I ended up ill...from doting on the petrie dish. After several days of arguing with him about why he in fact does not need medicine he is back to his usually charming self. We are so proud that he is finally learning to share and thank him for his gifts.

Her life in pictures

Ava at 2 years


Ava at 1 1/2


Her Majesty on her first birthday


Preppy Princess at 6 months


Ava on the day of her birth

And the Oscar goes to....

Peyton for best performance as a mistreated child in a tragic comedy!!!!

• Peyton has been a little challenging lately. That in itself is an understatement. He was the second one to get sick last week and of course it was all about the drama...as everything with Peyton usually is. His cough was the worst, his fever was the highest and he did get a raging migraine to go along with it all. He also vomited repeatedly in my bed and never in his. He missed his Valentines party at school which was a huge ordeal as he is quiet the ladies man and was sure the girls all had something extra special for him.
• Recently a classmates father passed away unexpectedly. Sadly, the boy is the one who found his father. The mother and the teacher decided not to discuss it with the class. I found out third hand from another classmates mother when Peyton and her daughter told her. I respect this mothers desire for privacy and to have things remain as normal as possible for her son. However, he is discussing it with his friends and I don't think they are fully able to comprehend the situation without some adult guidance. Since this, Peyton has been having an incredibly difficult time sleeping...which doesn't improve his mood any (or mine). He has also been asking even more questions than usual about god and death. Many that I simply do not have good answers for.
• Yesterday we took him for his dental exam and he totally flipped out. He has never done that before. He has 2 big teeth coming in behind his baby teeth and he is nuts about it. They are going to have to pull 4 lower babies to make room. To do this I will have to bring him back and have him sedated because he was such a mess. He spent the rest of the day asking me repeatedly when he had to go back to the dentist. He even woke me up at 3 am this morning to ask "when?".
• I'm reasonably certain I am raising a pubescent girl as opposed to a 6 year old boy. All I hear lately is "I hate you!", "You're the meanest mom ever!", "You never let me do anything!", "I hate this house and everyone in it!", "I wanna live with someone else!", "Nobody here even loves me!". Add in lots of tears, hysterics and door slamming.
• Yesterday after the dental fiasco took him to see the Spiderwick Chronicals, just the two of us. I felt he really needed some individual time and I wanted to focus on him. We had a great time. He was pleasant, funny and well behaved. I'm not sure who needed it more...me or him. But the second we returned home he threw a roll of toilet paper at his brother and stomped around the house.
• In an effort to make him hate me even more I have banned all video and computer games Monday through Friday. I found he was spending way to much time isolated away from the rest of us filling his head with mush. He has been caught twice hiding in the closet playing his brothers Leapster. Now they are all locked up. I seriously believe he is having withdrawals.

Don't worry. There are no Oscar parties in his near future or anything else fun for that matter.

Wheezer

Nope. Not the band. Me. I have lots of updates. Some funny, some sad. Some just messed up. But I'm going to start with the lamest first. Me. Cause I know how much you all love me. I like to think you enter my little piece of the world to laugh with me...but yeah I know. It's at me. But hey that's cool too.

I have been sick as hell. It started with the flu and nicely progressed into a cheerful case of Acute Asthmatic Bronchitis. My nursing career has done wonders for my health. I had never had a cough in my entire life prior to joining this caring profession. But now I have had so many cases of pneumonia that I have asthma.

Of course I waited four days before going to the Dr. because I was diligently trying to care for everyone else and and make Ava the perfect cupcakes for her birthday. When I nearly passed out putting Ava into the car after her Dr. appointment I finally broke down and went.

After nearly five days on steroids I am still wheezy and now I am bitchy too. However, I can at least make it to the potty with out nearly going into respiratory arrest so I guess that is some improvement. I'm sure I have lost a few brain cells along the way due to hypoxia so be sure and dumb down your comments.

In other news, I tried to go top Achievers (said to be scrapbook heaven) only to find it closed for the day : "due to circumstances beyond our control". No big deal it's only an hour drive. Did a few new scrap pages. Happy with some. Need to post pics. Get right on that. Started "dieting" have lost 4 pounds so far. Of course a head full of snot and coughing up lung tissue does kinda stifle your appetite. Got to see my adorable nephew "Charmin" but couldn't kiss all over him since I'm a sicky. Went to a very disappointing breastfeeding conference. Disappointing in that it was not well presented (although the info was great) and in the knowledge that it will never happen at Big Medicine....where breastfeeding is still like *SIGH*.

Hmm. That's it for me. Oh, I guess you could add fight with Mark, contemplate selling Norm to research and watching too much bad TV. I'm super exciting aren't I? Now I know you'll really be interested when I post on the terrorists!

SOS

The terrorists have unleashed germ warfare of tsunami proportions on the love shack. Only Amonte has been immune. I think he may be the mastermind behind the whole thing. He most likely bribed the little petri dishes with some of that candy well wishers have been sending. Must crawl back to bed. Please. Send. Nyquil. By. The. Case.

Hairy palms and Rosey cheeks

The lovely Tasmania devil Veronica has me thinking about masturbation. Um, not in the way you are thinking ya dirty birds. Although I guess if I were to masturbate there would be worse things to think of...like goats...in purple fancy pants.

Anyway, I'm WAY of course with this. As the mother of 3 boys I am constantly saying: "keep you're hands off that", "what do you have a hold of", "keep the horse in the barn". Boys simply can not keep their hands off that thing. A trait that they apparently never grow out of...but that is another post. Personally I think it has something to do with the trauma ofcircumcision...again another post.

For the most part the boys are happy to play with their inch worms through their undies or in the tub. I can generally redirect them with the above comments. However, I came into the living room last night to find Cade butt ass naked on the couch giving himself a good fondle. Yikes.

I don't want my kids to be embarrassed of their body's or ashamed of their sexuality but I feel there needs to be some limits put on just where and when they can toss one off. I calmly told him that was something he needed to do in his bedroom. He was much too interested in Sponge Bob to go there, so he put on some undies and went back to laughing at barnacle jokes.

How do you keep the U in masturbation at your home...with out it becoming an US?

What I meant to say

Nicole told me about this on Swistle's blog: List 12 things that were left unsaid. "Each one should be directed at someone in particular. You don't say who you're saying each thing to, and you don't give a ton of backstory---you just say it".

1. I know you did the best you could. But your best wasn't good enough and it still isn't.
2. I know that I have always been a disappointment to you and I will continue to be. It doesn't hurt me anymore.
3. I wish we didn't end things the way we did. It always felt like after everything we had been through-there shouldn't have been a reason to write this.
4. I know who you are. I knew all along. But I was too scared to confront you.
5. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I just wasn't attracted to you and I couldn't get past that.
6. I did everything I could to push you away so I could blame you for our breakup.
7. I knew it was a mistake as soon as I said yes. But I was too proud to take it back.
8. I'm ashamed that we were ever friends. It disgusts me the way you treat your hubby. You are abusive and sick.
9. I wish you would leave me alone and stop pretending to be my friend.
10. I'm sorry I can't be the person you wish I was.
11. Why did you open that door again? Wasn't breaking my heart once enough for you.
12. Your facial hair disgusts me and for gods sake chew with your mouth shut!
    

Old McDonald has a goat

Karen is having a contest to win something from her rockin' Etsy Store. Simply post your most emabarrasing moment on your blog or in her comments. Winner takes all.

Many years ago a well meaning boyfriend took Amonte and I to the Toledo Zoo for the day. It was the hottest day of the summer with a heat index well into the 100's. I wore a short thin sun dress with only a scanty pair of thongs under it. Ok, I was like 22. Hawt and skinny. I could so pull it off then.

We spent the afternoon ogling the animals and eating ice cones. When we came to the petting zoo Amonte refused to go in alone. No problem. I lurve me some goats. One particularly friendly goat made his way right over to me. Darling baby. I petted him and gave him some goodies. When I went to walk away he grabbed my dress and got a bit grumpy. I petted and sweet talked him some more and again tried to make my escape.

This time the little bugger stuck his head up my dress. I tried desperately to keep my dress down and shove him out from under it. He was having none of that. He grabbed a hold of my panties and begin to pull. By now we were drawing a crowd. Of course nobody, including my date was coming to my aid.

I continued to try and discreetly dislodge the heinous pervert from under my dress. Suddenly there was a loud RIP noise and the evil creature ran off with my panties. He stops. Looks at me victoriously. Then proceeds to eat my undies in front of an audience.

I spent the rest of the afternoon commando. Amonte told everyone who would listen all day long and for the next 6 months that a goat ate his mom's panties. My boyfriend thought it was his lucky day. He was so wrong.

Go Giants!

Go Giants! Go Giants! Go Giants! * I'm doing the cabbage patch*

I just watched the Giants win the Super Bowl! Yeah! Of course my screaming when Eli hustled out of the pocket with hands all over him woke up Ava. But I'll gladly pay the fine.

I'm not sure what makes me happier: that the Giants won...or that the smug, arrogant bastard Randy Moss did not have the winning touch down.

Now I'm going to sit by the phone and hope that Eli calls and asks me to go to Disney with him. Umm...do you think it would be too kinky to ask him to invite his brother?

Azzdates Version 4.0

Do not attempt to download this file. Your ass will look like swiss cheese. Your fortune cookie fortunes will be depressing and life will never be the same.

Yesterday Amonte and I drove to The University of Michigan in a blizzard to get the results of his biopsys'. We rode mostly in silence. Both nervous. I think we both knew to expect the worst. We both laughed when I said, "I know this is nothing. Everything will be negative. This is all gonna be from those fucking wrestling matts".

An hour later we weren't laughing. We received the worst of all the possible diagnosis. It is in fact Cutaneous or Metastatic Crohn's Disease. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. There are only a handful of cases. There is no real treatment or cure. The wounds he has may heal or may not. He may get more or may not. Lots of questions and no answers.

Amonte has been quiet. I know he is struggling. He has been lashing out at me. Which hurts. I feel helpless and hopeless-as I'm sure does he.

Friday we go back to The U to speak with the gastroenterologists again. We are hopeful they will be able to provide more information. Until then he continues with daily wound care. Pain meds. The unknown. The silence. The dread.